How to survive a public shame?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to survive a public shame?
All of us at least once yes publicly manifested themselves complete idiots. A moment of shame takes a second, but the aftertaste of it can last for years, making it difficult to sleep, work and live happily. It seems that everyone around you remembers how you screwed up, and laugh behind your back. So how to get rid of this feeling?
Olga Miloradovapsychotherapist
Surely each of us had situations when one thought of which gives rise to a dream of a fantastic reality, where you can rewind time and do everything differently. Or, at worst, erase all those who were present during the painful episode, the memory. At the same time, it is not so important what exactly happened: maybe you screwed up at a public report, or maybe you were caught by a naked boyfriend's parents. But basically the emotion that characterizes the whole horror of any such situation is shame. Let's try to figure out where it comes from. For example, if the child thought that some things cause the parents to reject, or even disgust, then he must give up these things, from the parts of his "I", otherwise he experiences universal horror that he will never be loved. Such a fear of non-compliance with expectations and subsequently causes shame.
In the experience of shame, there is always a certain evaluator, not the one before whom, as it seems to us, a failure occurred, but the imaginary carrier of the right values. Shame is a socialized self-loathing, self-rejection. Accordingly, it is not bad to try to understand: what is so terrible in what happened, for what are you ready to renounce yourself? Will this misunderstanding affect your future life? Try to imagine this in the big picture: how much would it be significant in 5 years? After 10? Well, in the end, the energy of shame is the energy for changing and transforming one’s self. Even if the report did not succeed, it’s a speech experience, an opportunity to understand how to prepare for it better, and change something. And as for her mom's boyfriend, she understands you much better than it seems, he was born to her somehow. Or in a pinch, you can understand that it may be better to stay away from both the boyfriend and mother.