What to do if you are affected by domestic violence
We continue to explain point by point.what is domestic violence, what types of violence there are, what are their causes and how to fight it. Today we are talking about specifics: what to do if you find yourself in a situation of domestic violence, have learned that someone you know is suffering from it, or even suspect the abuser’s inclinations.
The editorial team thanks the psychotherapist Olga Miloradova, the candidate of psychological sciences and the founder of the St. Petersburg Crisis Center for Women "INGO" Natalia Khodyreva, the director of the independent charity center for survivors of sexual violence "Sisters" Maria Mokhova, as well as the specialists of the National Center for Prevention violence "anna".
How to understand that you are experiencing domestic violence?
This may seem strange, but violence against you is not always easy to identify. With physical violence, it is becoming more and more clear: if your partner has a habit of applying force to you, this is it. It is not necessary that they be beatings, it is also considered to pinch your mouth or wring hands. Sexual and especially psychological violence is more complicated. The situation is aggravated by attitudes in society, which prevent us from looking at things objectively. For example, sex under "unobtrusive" coercion is considered to be in the order of things, and a woman is not supposed to deny her husband - otherwise she will consider herself a bad wife. Economic and psychological manipulations, in turn, can be very sophisticated and not obvious, and the abuser seeks to convince that it is you who are to blame, and often he succeeds.
In addition, violence is not continuous, but is a cycle, developing in a certain pattern. A long period of tension inevitably follows a period of detente (in fact, the actual act of violence): it could be a fight, a scandal, or a scene that degrades you. However, reconciliation always follows, the abuzer asks for forgiveness and promises never to do so again. There comes a "peaceful" period, which psychologists also call the "honeymoon": relations, as it were, normalize or even get better. But in the end, the cycle of violence inevitably repeats. It is these alternations of “black” and “white” stripes that confuse the victims. Many people can live like this for years, not noticing that all situations develop along the same lines, not analyzing it or hoping every time that everything will be corrected now. Unfortunately, everything is rather the opposite: in most cases the duration of these periods will be shortened (especially between tension and discharge), aggressive actions will be tightened (up to the threat to your life), and the rest period may disappear completely.
How to understand that your partner is prone to violence?
It is better to avoid problems than to solve them as they arise - which is why prevention of domestic violence is so important. There are a number of warning signs that directly or indirectly indicate that your partner has a tendency to suppress you or he already does. This can be understood as a whole by tight control over contacts, jealousy, disrespect for your desires and needs. If we talk about men, they often have a high level of gender stereotypes and believe that a woman should be “brought up”.
It is worth thinking seriously if you noted that your close person (who may be parents) constantly controls where you are, forces you to spend time at home, and also forbids you to communicate with someone from your friends or family members. He can control your expenses and make you report at the slightest expense. A bad sign, if a partner reads your email or messages, listens to your conversations, prohibits someone to call up and chat or use the phone or social networks altogether. In this case, aggressor partners tend to shift all the blame for the problems in the relationship solely on you, they systematically criticize you for any trifles, blame all the failures, periodically make fun of you or things important to you, especially in the presence of outsiders. Go
A bad sign, if intoxicated or under the influence of psychoactive substances, your partner easily goes into a rage, ever hit or threatened to hit your pet, and also threatened to hurt you or did it: roughly grabbed hands, pushed, hit. It is especially dangerous if a man begins to threaten and there are weapons at home. Forcing you to have sex against your will or forcing you to do something unpleasant in your generally desirable sexual relationship is also partner violence.
What if this is my case?
It is very important to remember that the cause of domestic violence is only in the aggressor, and first you need to understand what this type of personality is. It is believed that this is a person who has difficulty with controlling the aggression, but everything is more complicated. There are various reasons for such behavior, but more often it is cultivated for years: it is adopted from the parent or the environment. A person gets used to this kind of relationship, as he sees how powerful and effective tools are manipulation and control.
Running headlong at the first hint of violence, as well as staying and enduring, are equally unconstructive reactions, but sometimes it is very difficult to make an informed decision without help. Often the first act of physical violence causes shock to the injured party - as Natalia Khodyreva notes, this is the moment when you need to contact the crisis center, and not hide the fact of violence and adapt to the situation. First of all, you need to figure out how your partner evaluates their actions. It is one thing if he understands that he is wrong, but for some reason he is unable to control himself. Quite another thing - if he is convinced that he is right and believes that violence in relations is acceptable (“beating means love”). Unfortunately, the latter is more common.
In which case it is necessary to break the relationship irrevocably?
If the abuzer does not see a problem in his behavior, then he will never admit that he is guilty of something - in his opinion, you will always be guilty. He will never give up his manipulations, most likely because he does not know how differently. He knows what he is doing and what he wants to achieve; it is not an impulsive flash. Therefore, changing your behavior, hoping that it will cease to cause aggression in your partner, is useless: no matter what you do, the rapist will still continue to beat or humiliate you. Just because he has a need to constantly and completely control you - he does not know how to build relationships otherwise. We must accept the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to cope with the situation and you will not be able to help in any way. Most unsupported by the actions of the rapist’s promises of change are lies, guaranteeing calm only until the next outbreak.
Is it possible to save such a relationship?
To correct the situation without breaking the relationship, perhaps only if the abuser wants to change. To do this, he will most likely need to contact a psychotherapist or even a psychiatrist and learn how to control his behavior. If a partner shows violence in your address and does not want to change, but for some reason you make the decision not to leave him and remain in the cycle of violence, then you risk your life, and if you have children, your children’s life. Often, women are stopped by the fact that children need a father - but in fact, if you think about and not look for an excuse for a situation, then children do not need a father who commits violence. As the psychotherapist Olga Miloradova emphasizes, “emotional, verbal violence also harms health: people who have suffered this type of violence often have diseases such as a stomach ulcer or psoriasis, not to mention depression, suicidal tendencies, post-traumatic stress disorder and propensity to alcoholism or drug addiction. "
Many people think that you can try to contact a family psychologist - but the practice of joint counseling in case of domestic violence has one big drawback. The fact is that it takes into account the views of both parties to the conflict. In a situation of domestic violence, this is not applicable, as part of the blame is thus transferred to the injured party. Some countries practice a restorative approach aimed at preserving the family, but there are also laws in place that provide coercive medical and psychological assistance to rapists and protect victims of violence. Also in the world there are psychotherapeutic and educational programs for men who abuse their loved ones. The purpose of such groups is to teach men to realize the real reasons for their actions and their seriousness, and also to talk about their feelings, to be able to negotiate, not to be aggressive and to understand that no one has the right to control and authority over another.
How to convince a partner to seek qualified help?
If you are convinced that you need to maintain these relationships for any very weighty reasons, your partner should recognize that he is the cause of the problem, agree to qualified help, start receiving it and, most importantly, change behavior. Changes should be lengthy, not just unsubstantiated promises and apologies. In the case when a partner who has committed violence against you admits his guilt, but does not take any action, the psychotherapist Olga Miloradova recommends that you act simply, but decisively: “Tell your partner that you are leaving, and until he starts to receive help, any contacts between you are impossible. " Moreover, we must really go, and not just threaten it.
How to break out of a violent relationship?
We'll have to gain strength, because the injured partner in such a relationship is extremely depressed and it is very difficult to break away from the perpetrator. There are many factors that influence the decision to part. For example, not everyone has a separate housing or the ability to rent it - meanwhile, it is very important for a decision to be safe, close to people you can trust. Material obstacles are only part of the problem. The most difficult thing is to psychologically break free from such a relationship: fear for oneself or for a child, constant coercion to sex, and a set of emotional humiliations simply deprive one’s willpower. According to Natalia Khodyreva, according to one of her clients, “it was not even the rape of her ex-spouse, but the complete emotional destruction, such that she wanted to“ step through the window ”.
It is important to understand that you are not the only one; this problem has been studied and ways to solve it are known. Yes, it’s very scary to be alone, especially if self-esteem and self-confidence are already greatly undermined by the rapist. At this point, you have to admit that you need help, and ask for help not only from your friends, but also to the crisis center, where people who know the problem well work. There they will support, explain how to believe in yourself and start a new life, help you to make applications, file for divorce.
What to do if someone you know suffers from domestic violence?
A person in such a situation needs help, but you cannot put pressure on him. Support and accept, do not blame. The victim or the victim must be heard, if necessary, and the possibility of shelter, to advise the psychological service, helpline and so on. If the person himself does not believe that he is being subjected to violence, one should not prove that she or he is a victim: if you insist on this, you will most likely cause a rejection reaction and you will simply stop communicating. You can try to gently ask leading questions, listen more and talk less, do not give value judgments. You can try to give examples of some situations where at first it was like that, and then this and that happened, to offer your help "if anything happens." It is important to reanimate self-esteem and remind a person that life is safe, without beatings and humiliation - this is the right of everyone.
How to behave during an incident to survive?
During a quarrel, you should try not to succumb to provocations: for example, if you are insulted, you should try to remain as calm as possible. Remember that everything you do and say will be used against you. Unfortunately, there are no universal rules of behavior if you have already been physically abused. Maybe someone will stop if you start to cry or show that you are in pain, the other is only further provoke. The best way to stay alive is to leave home or hide and call the police.
If you live in a situation of domestic violence and understand how real the threat to life is, then, first of all, you need to think about a safety plan for an emergency. Prepare documents, money, find a safe place to live, to survive the stress and make a decision in safety, agree with neighbors, relatives. Carry a telephone with you to call the police or call your neighbors. Make a "panic button" - hotkey with the number of a friend or relative. If you call the police, it is better to call not on duty, but on 02, since there all telephone calls are recorded. Give as many details as possible. However, in a critical situation, there may be no time at all. Run.
What to do immediately after the incident: who to contact, where to go?
Immediately after the incident, you must contact the emergency room and fix the injuries received, if any, and contact the police. Do not hesitate to contact crisis centers: there are people who know what it is like for you now and can provide psychological and legal assistance, if necessary, provide temporary accommodation. For example, in Moscow and in St. Petersburg there are both state crisis centers and non-state ones. Russian toll-free hotline for women victims of domestic violence: 8-800-7000-600. There is an emergency psychological assistance service where everyone can call 051 (from mobile 8-495-051), and a helpline for women affected by domestic violence: (495) 473-63-41.
How to protect yourself from prosecution partner abuser?
Change the phone number, internet passwords, locks in the apartment. Do not accept calls from unknown numbers. Try at least for the first time not to be alone. If there is a need to meet with the abuser, do it in a public place. If he threatens to harm you or your children - be sure to inform the police.
One of the most painful moments in this period is a change of residence, which is almost the only opportunity to escape from the persecution of the abusive partner. The injured party is forced to leave her home, they actually survive from there, and the abuser remains in a privileged position. The draft law on the prevention of domestic violence, which has now been submitted to the Russian government for consideration, provides for intervention and protection of the state: the abuser will be asked to leave the place of residence regardless of who owns it. However, so far the law has not been passed, and there are no protection orders in Russia, so that they will have to take care of their own security or with the help of relatives.
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