How to cope with jealousy
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to cope with jealousy?
We are all jealous. Beloved man - to another girl or even to work, absorbing most of his time. Parents - to brothers and sisters, and even to the neighbor's daughter, which they regularly set an example. A friend is her cheerful friend, who will always find time to meet after work. Even our own children are jealous of their fathers and grandmothers, although we understand that this is stupid. Quarrels on the basis of jealousy can ruin any relationship. It is almost more difficult to cope with jealousy than with other negative emotions. Is it necessary to suppress it? Where does jealousy come from? And how to learn to control such emotions?
Olga Miloradovapsychotherapist
If jealousy were absolute evil, it probably would have simply not existed. In a sense, it was inherited by us: in order to survive, our ancestors had to compete, and in order to compete - to experience some kind of emotion. In ancient times, it was these emotions that prompted the male conqueror to kill the child of the previous male defeatist. Sadly, it was in this way that the most competitive genes survived. In a sense, jealousy helps in our day - it does not allow to relax and turn into a sluggish body with a bag of chips in front of a computer on the couch. It motivates, gives tone.
If we are talking about jealousy in a romantic relationship, the very idea that someone is jealous of another person can flatter you, but actions performed in jealous delirium will definitely not delight anyone, whether it is convulsively checking someone else's mail or immediately admitting in treason.
The main problem of jealous people is considered to be low self-esteem
If we exclude from the discussion those cases where jealousy is justified, it’s probably no secret and no news that low self-esteem is considered to be the main problem of jealous people. This theory is based on attachment styles that have been formed on the basis of our early interaction with parents and often persist or at least affect what style of attachment we will have in relationships with a partner. Globally, these styles can be divided into two groups. The first will include a reliable style - most often it is characteristic of children growing up in a family of loving, self-confident parents. In the second - three unreliable: anxiously ambivalent, avoiding and disorganized. Without going into details, one can say that in many ways their names speak for themselves. However, to suggest whether any of the unreliable styles are characteristic of you, try to answer the following questions. Do you have a constant feeling of emptiness or a sense of worthlessness? Did the atmosphere of love and tranquility reign in your house or did anxiety sometimes hang in the air? Perhaps you were brought up in an atmosphere of constant repression and repression? Did you feel that parents can be trusted, that behind them - like a stone wall, did they instill a sense of reliability?
If one of these questions seriously hurts you and you have problems controlling your jealousy, then there is a chance that your attachment style is far from reliable. The good news is that the styles are rather labile and are amenable to change due to both the acquisition of new experience and other life circumstances. Bad - if these problems are still relevant for you, then, to change the style of affection that is characteristic of you, it is better to turn to a qualified specialist. The doctor will help you build self-esteem and work out intractable problems.
Do not suppress or ignore your emotions - acknowledge their presence and allow them to be
On the other hand, jealousy can be caused not only by low, but also high self-esteem. For example, you can be jealous because you are sure that you should be more attentive to you and any distraction to someone degrades your sense of dignity. Or maybe jealousy is a reflection of your values: you so sincerely and vehemently believe in monogamy, love, loyalty and absolute honesty to each other, that any appearance of a threat to your magic dream castle - even such necessary as personal space - seems to you to be take away the most precious and holy.
What steps should be taken to prevent jealousy to destroy your relationship? First, it’s worth remembering that emotions and behavior are not the same thing, your emotions themselves do not carry destructive power, but actions are very much the same. Take for yourself as a fact that yes, I am jealous. Track these emotions. Do not try to suppress or ignore them, you must recognize their presence and allow them to be. Yes, you are jealous, but this does not mean that jealousy causes your deeds and actions. You should not obey these emotions and thoughts. Try to feel, returning mentally to unpleasant situations that cause a feeling of jealousy, that anxiety and anger increase. Again - do not try to suppress them, let these feelings be. Conscious returning back and meaningful living of the situation anew gradually reduces tension, allows anger to dissolve. And if you managed to gain this awareness once, then by experiencing something similar in the future, you will more easily cope with jealousy.
Accept the fact of uncertainty as the law of physics or the fact of the infinity of the universe. You cannot be sure that you will be loved forever. No one can guarantee that you will never be parted. But the more you try to enlist this guarantee, look for reinforcements and evidence for it, the more chances you have to destroy everything. Some anxiety uncertainty spurs so that they are willing to break off relations, just to not wait for them to leave. Try to stay here and now, and not to stay in the future - the only way you can get joy from what you have.
Remember: if someone is with you, it means he needs it for some reason.
Try to evaluate your requests for your relationship, how realistic they are. Maybe you think that your partner should not like anyone other than you? Maybe it seems to you that a child from a previous marriage has forever tied your partner with the former (-im) and you will never be as close to him? People like other people, and it would be strange if, having met you, a loved one would lose a sense of sympathy for others, and at the same time, a libido. In the end, children from other relationships, though not dissolve, but do not signal a higher relationship between parents. Remember: if someone is with you, he needs it for some reason.
Instead of seeking stability in relationships with the help of jealousy and the accompanying negative reinforcement, try to reconfigure to the opposite pole. Instead of sarcastic comments, try to notice something good and feel free to pay compliments. We believe by default that flattering is shameful, and based on this, in principle, we stop saying something good to each other. But something caustic and caustic is fun and a sign of a sharp mind. Even so, leave it somewhere outside, not inside your relationship. Even if instead of the banal "I see you without me" I would just say "thank you" - a lot of things will change, no matter how small and insignificant this act may seem. Perhaps it is just such small changes that will gradually strengthen your fragile relationship, and jealousy will gradually run out completely or it will remain just a bit.