Life after coming-out: Heroes of the legendary "Poster" number are telling

The famous issue of the magazine "Poster" with a collective coming out came out in February 2013. The cover in the colors of the rainbow was a response to the upcoming law on gay propaganda - after six months it was accepted. The project consisted of thirty very frank interviews, a third was accompanied by photographs of the narrators. After almost six years, we decided to track down the heroes of this issue and find out how life works after public recognition of homosexuality and whether they remained in a country where homophobia is enshrined in law.

Pavel Vardishvili

Irina Sketch

Ruslan Savolainen

Vladimir Kulikov

Anna Yermolaeva

Dmitry Kurmyshev

Vladimir Musaev

Vitaly Matveev

Renat Davletgildeev

Peter Resurrection

Alexander Smirnov

Vera Skovita

Yana Mandrykina

I remember my feelings before the release of the magazine - it was, of course, fear. The fact is that no one knew anything, the parents did not know. The day before I called my mother, and my mother, though quite advanced, was convinced that the law on gay propaganda was normal. She thought that a gay person could do. I explained to her: "No, mom, you are mistaken, this is impossible," but I did not mention myself. I was then thirty-five years old.

But when the magazine came out, I just called her and said: "Mom, we argued with you a while ago, so that you know - I am gay." She was stunned a bit, asked why I was just talking to her about it now. I replied that the magazine will be released tomorrow and my interview will be there.

At three o'clock in the morning she sent me a message: "Do not worry, I'm always with you." It was so touching. She wrote that she loves me very much, and that makes no difference. And she attributed at the end: "Well, come on, maybe we won't talk to grandmother for the time being." I agreed: "Yes, let's not let grandma."

In general, I was terribly worried. Besides, I am still a director at work, I have a business, a lot of subordinates, colleagues, partners. But when the magazine came out, I was greatly relieved. Exactly what the person who spoke to me told me about. It's like a concrete slab - hop, and dropped. And you become yourself.

I am a director, I have a business, a lot of subordinates, colleagues, partners. But when the magazine came out, I was greatly relieved.

Almost all of my employees came to me and asked for an autograph, said: "Yana, you are super cool." I posted it on Facebook, and there was not a single person with a negative reaction at all. Some left-wing people wrote in the comments: "Are you not afraid that this will affect your business?" What came to the crowd of people, my clients, and replied: "We basically do not care."

I have never regretted this act, but I consciously went for it, thought what I was doing, weighed, analyzed. When I was offered an interview, I discussed it with all my gay friends, bankers, doctors. And everyone told me: "Yang, are you out of your mind, do not even think about telling." And I said: "Okay, then this is all the more necessary to do, since everyone discourages it so much"

Only an awkward situation came out with my pseudonym: I did not plan any pseudonyms, I thought that there would be a first and last name, but without a photo, but I was persuaded to withdraw - then I asked the last name to be removed. Editors decided to put a pseudonym "Mikhailov". Well at least not Stas, it would be funny.

My life after the interview has changed only for the better. I can say for sure - this was my turning point. I began to feel completely different. When I experienced euphoric stress, I realized that now I accepted myself, I proved to myself, I don’t have any omissions with me anymore.

When this happens, you just add up a puzzle. You just start living your life and stop living someone else's. It used to be like this: a birthday for parents, a birthday for friends, a birthday for colleagues. Five or six different lives, each with a clearly defined script. This is just insane. And after the interview, this has ceased to be necessary, and now I just live.

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Vera Skovita

I remember the day when I gave the interview, the place, the setting - it was a cafe, and people would occasionally eavesdrop, smile, round their eyes or leave. And I do not remember the day of the issue. I definitely bought several copies and presented it to someone, as a result I don’t have this magazine myself. Those who shared their impressions said it was a great, cool experience. Several of my friends also gave interviews for this publication, and I found out about it after the fact. I met someone later, and it turned out by chance that we were “from the same issue”.

The reaction in the social networks was mainly from the subscribers of the public, which I was at the time of adminil with friends. Some of them closely followed what they write and do admin panel. It seems to me that if there were a photo, there would be much more messages. Someone from my friends or girlfriends might not like the interview itself: it sounded too categorical, as if I despised all men, and depreciated my experience with them. And it is not. But in any case, I received no negative feedback.

The general feeling that people are taught to divide everything into white-black, into enemy friends

I would love to move to another country. Living here since the release of the magazine has become much more difficult both morally and emotionally. I changed my job, including because of the crisis in Russia's relations with other countries. I left a foreign company for freelancing. Now I am engaged in teaching and translation. It is uncomfortable for me to discuss some topics with others, because I am against xenophobia, intolerance and poisoning. I want to live in a world where people a priori respect each other, value otherness, take care of themselves and loved ones, are careful in their statements. I burnt out as an activist, and I just want to live in safety and self-development, and not to survive and to prove something. The only reason I stay in Russia is that I do not have enough money.

According to my feelings over the past five years, a mood of hostility and danger has appeared, it is broadcast through state-run media. I remember that in the first years in St. Petersburg I admired people, freedom, opportunities, participation in promotions. Now even a trip in transport can be potentially unsafe. It seems to me (perhaps because of fatigue) that many people have become even more intolerant to those who look unusual or translate alternative ideas. The general feeling that people are taught to divide everything into white-black, into enemy friends. At the same time, I am glad that some people, on the contrary, began to read, listen and analyze the flow of information more attentively, the feminist movement suddenly began to be felt everywhere. Many people in my environment and not only began to talk about personal boundaries, about variability, about health (mental, emotional and physical), about the value of healthy relationships. As if the degree of despair and gloom at the state level influenced the fact that people had the strength to resist, take care of themselves and create something new. It's great.

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Alexander Smirnov

The day when that sign number of "Poster" came out, I remember perfectly. He wrote some press releases and looked at his watch - he was waiting for dinner. Around noon, I went to Tverskaya and bought two copies of the magazine in the nearest kiosk. I understood that I would leave one for myself, and put the other on the table to my boss. For me it was important that colleagues (Alexander was an employee of the Moscow mayor's office. - Note ed.) read the interview with my feed.

At the end of the working day, leaving the office, the spokesman for the deputy mayor approached the table and handed the magazine. He said that he has a lot of material about me. He added that the text is scandalous, and went home. That evening my boss called me and said that she fully supported me.

The next day at work was tense. It seemed to me that now everyone is just discussing my public coming out. It was uncomfortable, although no insults were addressed to me.

A day later, the same boss called and said she wanted to meet me in the evening after work. We crossed about ten o'clock in some Lyubertsy cafe. It is clear that they did not plan to talk about anything good with me. The first thing I heard dispelled all doubts. "Sasha, have you ever thought to leave the country for good?" - she said. "Even so?" - I asked. For the next twenty minutes I was forced to quit voluntarily. The situation was described in such a way that either I quit my job or our entire department was dispersed. "You understand, Marat (Moscow Deputy Vice Mayor Marat Khusnullin. - Approx. ed.) - a Muslim, he will not understand this, and in general he will decide that I framed him before the elections, "- the boss told me directly. Zammera really wouldn’t understand, not the fact that he would fire everyone, but at that moment in the cafe It really seemed to me that I had set everyone up. The fate of single mothers, the prospect of paying loans in banks, the monthly payments for rented housing and the education of children all suddenly began to depend on my decision. So they explained to me. that the relationship with my colleagues at that time changed once and for all Gda. I left. I quit after a day. I didn’t see any more of the press staff.

It is clear that they did not plan to talk about anything good with me. The first thing I heard dispelled all doubts. "Sasha, have you ever thought to leave the country for good?" - she said

Life has changed, and not only because I was left without work. After the material in the "Poster" for six months, I gave a few dozen interviews on the topic of LGBT rights protection. Journalists and producers came to me themselves, and I did not refuse anyone in the comments. Then I still believed that something could be changed, I was all in a fight. Then, at one of the protests, the skinheads beat me and the police detained me. But I made another conclusion - ten people took part in the action, which was actively announced. For the whole of Moscow - ten people! With street activism in Russia, I decided to quit.

The desire to bring the truth to people has not disappeared anywhere, so Facebook has become the main platform for the educational struggle. At first, I did not even understand that most homophobes do not need answers. People often ask, not in order to understand the complex issue, but to humiliate. For a long time I did not pay attention to insults and responded essentially. But even if you ignore the insults, not the fact that the conflict will be able to repay. When a person is determined to fight, he will fight. Threats in social networks - a separate chapter of that period. It is worth saying that my facebook has always been open for comments by strangers. I have never had "for my own" texts. At some point, there were too many people who wanted to deal with me personally. And hypothetical threats in PM turned into phone calls from undetectable numbers. Then there was an insulting inscription in the entrance. I did not understand how I could protect myself. In the social networks of the offender is easy to block, but in real life? I tried to go out less, since remote work on writing advertising texts allowed it. And then flew off to rest in Spain. Still not allowed a thought about immigration.

It was in Spain that he first realized his, let's say, popularity. In one of the nightclubs an unfamiliar guy approached me and said in Russian that he was my Facebook subscriber. It was nice.

I left Russia in the fall of 2014, a year and a half after the material in the "Poster". I was forced to leave. I thought it was time to think about my own security. He flew to the USA without a language, without much money and without clear plans for life.

Starting all over again at forty is very difficult. Starting all over again in a foreign country is doubly difficult. But I have never regretted my cooperation with Afisha and the decision to leave Russia. I flew to New York for security and freedom, and I got them. And when they say that we (Russians) don't need anyone here, I remember that I didn't need anyone in my native country either, to say the least.

I continue my active life on Facebook, telling about life in New York and less and less fighting with ideological enemies. But sometimes, unexpectedly for myself, I can break off. For example, he blocked one of the heroes of the very rainbow release of "Posters". The stranger suddenly began to prove to me that the scale of homophobia in Russia is exaggerated, and indeed, he says, he does not believe that I was forced to leave because of threats. He, in his words, was not threatened by anyone after the material in the “Poster”. True, it immediately became clear that in that number he spoke under an assumed name, the text was not accompanied by a photograph, and indeed he was not talking about the facts of discrimination or murder, but about going to nightclubs. Such a character. By the way, he considers himself a patriot. And to me, fortunately, even from school days the ideas of cosmopolitanism were closer.

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Peter Resurrection

To be honest, there was a slight impression from the Afisha interview: the changes that took place in our society did not seem so depressing at that time, and none of my friends who would have had anything to do with activism would see the issue.

I am one of the co-founders of the LGBT human rights organization "Coming Out", but now our paths have diverged. I advise "Soldiers' Mothers" on medical issues - on granting people of military age a delay for medical reasons or for exemption from the army. But medicine remains my main job, I am still a practicing resuscitator. I came to activism and medicine for the same reason. Because of the passionary thought that it is necessary to make the world better around and help people.

And from another job, having learned about my orientation and advocacy activities, I was fired. There was a completely ugly scandal with shouts and insults

Patients never asked questions about my activism: when a person comes to intensive care, he is rarely able to say anything intelligible at all, sometimes he doesn’t even know his relatives. With colleagues, everything was more complicated. At one of my works, everything became known about me. Once I installed Viber on my phone and didn’t click a checkmark there, so it synchronized all my social networks with a new account. So my colleagues saw me stormy all barricades against the background of the rainbow flag. Of course, they were very surprised, but continued to live on. And from another job, having learned about my orientation and advocacy activities, I was fired. There was a completely ugly scandal with shouts and insults. At first I was shocked by this situation, very upset, and then I thought that this was protection from not very decent people.

Insults on social networks write to me almost all the time, for me it is everyday. I generally do not react at all, I just send people to the ban, because it is useless to argue with them. Rather, perhaps, it is useful, but when such a shaft of negatives is pouring on you, it is impossible to conduct some kind of therapeutic conversation with each of the homophobes and misanthrope, there are not enough resources. Well, experience shows that very many of them are just trolls, who are pleased to cause people suffering.

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Renat Davletgildeev

I accidentally found out that my friends are rushing to hand out an interview to the “Poster”, that such a number is being prepared. And I thought, um, how interesting. We then worked on "Rain" with Olga Utkina, who, in fact, was one of the authors of the project. I walk up to Olya and say: "Listen, why don’t they ask me? I'm gay." She says: "I wonder why it is true. Are you open?" I answer: "Well, as for friends openly, I never made public statements, but I am ready." The hussars leaped out, there was a feeling - I am brave, then be silent. Olya came to work the next day with four bottles of white wine. We scared drunk in the dressing room, and I threw out everything that could be thrown out to her.

When the number came out, I called my mother for dinner and said: "And you do not want to go to St. Petersburg? Do you want to relax?" In principle, I had conversations with my mother before, but I understood that I needed to send her somewhere for a while so that this story would settle down. She says, "What is it?" I: “Well, tomorrow, this issue of the magazine“ Afisha ”will just come out, you, of course, you know everything about me, but maybe this publicity will be unpleasant for you, suddenly someone of your acquaintances does not know, you will start call, ask, what are you, really your son is blue. " She said: "Your life is what you want, then do it, I know that you always climb somewhere, you can not live in peace."

And at work I was greeted abruptly. Whether Natasha Sindeeva, or Sasha Vinokurov came up with a magazine: "Come on, sign something."

I was worried about my grandmother, I never had such conversations with her. She knew very well where I work, was interested in my life, my ethers and was generally well acquainted with the Internet and social networks. Thank God, her party was sitting in the VC and Odnoklassniki, and not on Facebook, so everything went smoothly. But it was still scary. Especially before talking with mom, she suddenly thinks: "Well, why, son? You live normally, live farther."

And at work I was greeted abruptly. Whether Natasha Sindeeva, or Sasha Vinokurov (the founders and investors of Dozhd. - Note ed.) came up with a magazine: "Well, come on, sign something." There was another man in that material with Rain. And we, of course, all talked about the importance of freedom and openness. But I still felt uneasy at the fact that I had spoken there, a little embarrassing for all these intimate details. My preferences in sex should not become the subject of universal knowledge, I should not oblige the editor or the illuminator to know who I sleep with. Но как-то так само собой вышло.

Многие люди писали мне благодарности в соцсетях, подходили на улице, знакомились в барах, типа, привет, спасибо за этот поступок, горжусь тобой. Где-то неделю всё кипело, гремело. Куча людей добавились ко мне в друзья - и никто не хейтил. Ну или просто на радостях я эту информацию в себя не пускал. Then there was another era. Now, after the story of Zhirinovsky, 90% of what I received is threats, negativity, mate. And then no, there was some kind wave.

I never had the feeling that everything was for nothing. I always tell friends, acquaintances and gays: the best thing that can happen to you is coming out, you open up, and this can never be used against you. You cannot have a single complex, fear, you understand that there is nothing to compromise you, there is nowhere to find fault with you, you cannot be frightened, it is impossible to blackmail, because you yourself have already told everything. And this maximum honesty frees and liberates. I didn’t regret about that number, but would gladly do it again, if I had such an opportunity. You are experiencing something like a purification - as if passing through a ritual.

The “Playbill” came out in 2013, there was then a little certainty in all of us that with such actions, with such magazines, with such frank conversations, we could change something in our heads, rewind it back. We thought we had the right, the power and the voice. It seemed that we even had a choice - from the president and the soup in the restaurant to the one with whom to sleep. But it turned out that none of this is anyway.

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Vitaly Matveev

When the magazine came out, I experienced mixed feelings, because my story against the general background seemed rather incoherent and stupid to me, but in any case it was nice that Poster did it. It was important to do. And now, despite the legislation and all the difficulties, you need to continue to educate people. For me personally, it was easy to participate in the Billboard initiative: I am independent, I left my parental home quite early and always existed in harmony and understanding with myself. I guess I can call myself psychologically strong. But I understand that for many people such an interview has become a great feat, because we are talking about a country where there are a lot of reasons to be afraid of making your orientation public, and many of them are blackmailing. For me, openness is freedom: you don’t need to hide from anyone, invent any stories.

I told everything to my parents eleven years ago, as soon as I figured it out for myself and returned to Russia after three years working abroad - first in England, and then in Japan, where I left almost immediately after defending my thesis. Recognition happened almost by chance, I did not plan a conversation. The fact is that one of my friends after a divorce from his wife after some time began to meet with a guy. My mother found out about the divorce and asked how they were doing now. I said that everything is good and that both have already arranged a new personal life. With whom they arranged, he also told, because my friend is openly gay and had no idea about the information. There was a pause, followed by a clarifying question with the corresponding epithet addressed to my friend. I still remember how this word was aroused by rumor, and my temples pounded. Of course, I personally perceived the insult, but in response I asked only to choose words when it comes to my friends. Mom guarded such an answer, and she continued: "What are you protecting him? Maybe you, too?" I said, "Yes. Maybe I, too. The photo of my boyfriend you just saw." In Japan, I met a guy from Israel. Parents saw us together in the photographs, but I did not dedicate them in detail, so by default he passed as a friend.

Soon my mother returned. For quite a while she didn’t say anything at all and nervously switched channels. In the end, it broke through

In response to such recognition, silence reigned for some time. I must say, my parents are religious people, especially father, so I always thought that there would be more problems with him. It was he who broke the first silence: "In what sense? Are you with the men, or what? Do you understand that this is a sin?" At this point, Mom silently retired to the next room. I understand that for her it was a shock.

As for the father, he knew that I was an atheist and for me the word "sin" does not make much sense. To my surprise, after a minute, we quite calmly discussed some near-scientific issues, to which the conversation turned from the topic of "naturalness and unnatural homosexuality." Soon my mother returned. In her mind it was clear that she carries the news much harder. For quite a while she didn’t say anything at all and only nervously switched TV channels. In the end, it broke through. I think, and without details it is clear that I have not heard anything pleasant.

The fact is that it was with my mother that I always had the closest relationship, so this reaction just shocked me. Father, it seems, too. At that time I lived in Moscow, and with my parents I was just visiting in the Tula region. Then for the first time in my life I just left home in the middle of the night - to spend the night in a hotel. While I was going, I was literally beaten up, and my father did not stop telling my mother that she was wrong and asked her to apologize to me. I remember how it struck me, because I always imagined that it would be more problems with him, but it turned out that he was the one to defend me.

In the morning I went to Moscow, but the next day my parents called me and said that everything was in order. Mom said: "Everything is fine, we love you." And the father added: "Do not be silly, come back." Maybe I was lucky, but for all these years I have never faced an open negative reaction to my orientation. I am also convinced that openness in this matter is the main way to fight obscurantism. In general, with age, you begin to clearly understand that the circle of people whose opinion on your account matters is very limited. The opinion of the majority is not important: life is short and you will not please everyone.

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Vladimir Musaev

When that issue of the Afisha magazine was being prepared, I had already planned to leave Russia, so it was easier for me than for many people who had committed this brave deed. I have never had regrets, I was glad that I had the opportunity to participate in this.

I left because my young man made me an offer and we were going to live together. Someone needed to move, to me in London or to him in Moscow. The choice was obvious. We had a big wedding, we are fine. Recently, we somehow bought an apartment, I still can not realize it.

After the magazine was published, I was recognized several times in London and asked about this publication. There was no such thing in Moscow, however, once on one conservative news portal there was a rather negative feedback. I was still thinking on the way to Moscow, and suddenly they would stop me right now at passport control. But nothing happened.

I was still thinking on the way to Moscow, and suddenly they would stop me right now at passport control. But nothing happened

We - my husband and I - have become in a strange way the face of "gay propaganda", every two to three months I receive various links to materials about this. Photos from our wedding leaked somewhere, although they are closed on Facebook, and now they are used to illustrate the news about America's "gay propaganda". That is, the photos where we cut the cake are used as stock.

I was even advised to go to court. But we decided not to. Why? Probably because we look good in these photos, we are happy there. If someone is against gay marriage, let him look at the pictures and make a conclusion.

Now I can't even imagine how it is when you feel embarrassed to hold your boyfriend by the hand, and at work you have to hide something. I lived with a girl who was my neighbor and my "girl" at work. Everyone thought we were dating. I can't understand how I did it then. And then I could not imagine how they would live now.

Five years later, I just don’t remember how it was before, because being gay in London is absolutely natural and normal. My life has changed dramatically over the past five years for the better.

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Dmitry Kurmyshev

In fact, that day was one of the most ordinary - I remember, I was sitting in the office, and one of my colleagues came up to me with a number and said: "All right, you're now a star." Honestly, I did not even immediately understand what I was talking about. And then a colleague put the magazine on my desk, and I thought: "Damn, I would rather see."

I also remember how I didn’t like my photo - and the thought bored me that now the whole country will look at me in a photo that I don’t like. Then I showed the magazine to my mother, and she was very proud of me, despite the fact that at first I was not too happy that everything was so. But the bottom line is that moms love us for who we are and accept us. My Mom is the best.

I showed this number to several friends, but not for the purpose of boasting that I am in a magazine, but to show: it’s not so scary to speak openly to the whole country that you are gay. At that time I had a lot of friends who asked how I told my parents about this, how I shared with friends how my life had changed.

It seems to me that it was much more interesting to be gay ten or fifteen years ago. At that moment, gay was considered a rebel

I had no thoughts and regrets about the interview. For me, this is the same thing as DJing: I want to share what I have inside, to give people positive emotions. There was no negative reaction to my orientation either. Probably, I am a happy person - I was always openly gay, from the very beginning, at school, all the teachers knew about me, and at the university too. I was accepted the way I am, not condemned, they saw in me a normal person.

On the contrary, after the release of the magazine I received a lot of feedback, people found me and wrote that they liked the story very much and that it inspired them to be more open and live their lives.

It seems to me that in a week they stopped writing, everything calmed down, and my life was what it was, and it remained so. There was no problem with work either. What has changed in Russia? It seems to me that it was much more interesting to be gay ten or fifteen years ago. At that moment, gay was considered a rebel. I remember there were more interesting events, more clubs, people were more creative. I wanted to stand out. I was one of those who acted this way — this was reflected in both clothing and behavior.

Now even the gay events at which I speak are no different from ordinary parties, except that there are fewer girls. People behave normally - I am even happy about it. Now it is difficult to distinguish between gay and straight. This is probably good. Well, when all is well. People stopped clashing on this topic. Now being gay in Russia is normal.