Together or separately: Do partners need to sleep in the same bed?
Olga Lukinskaya
A typical plot of American cinema: the couple quarrels, and the husband, expelled from the family bedroom, goes to the living room sofa. A bedroom with a large bed is presented as the center of life in a couple, where children are not allowed or talk about work, where important confessions are made and tears are shed, where they have sex and, of course, have a rest. Nevertheless, according to the National Sleep Fund of the United States, a quarter of the couples actually sleep separately - in different beds or even rooms, without hiding that this is how they get better sleep. Let's see what is still more useful - sleep in the same bed with a partner or separately - and what scientists think about it.
It is impossible to say for sure when joint sleep in a couple became the generally accepted norm of the Western world - for example, in the aristocratic circles of Europe, it was accepted that everyone has their own bedroom, or even more than one. Of course, the less wealthy majority did not have to choose: people slept in one room or one bed with their whole families, not only because of lack of space, but also to warm up or not be afraid of the dark. The historian Roger Ekirch, the author of a book about how people used to spend the night in antiquity, notes that being in a dark bedroom brings together and gives you the opportunity to talk about the most intimate, not necessarily with your husband or wife - think of the possibility of securing secrecy after a rebound in summer camp.
Joint dream - it is something like a signal "we have everything in a pair of good" for others. Sometimes people are embarrassed to admit that they are sleeping with a partner separately - suddenly, someone will think that there is a problem with relationships. Some experts insist that joint sleep is important for the "exchange of energy", however, without additional explanation of what kind of energy it is and whether it can be exchanged in other ways. The argument “to sleep separately is just not quite right” looks unconvincing, as the opinion that the parents sleep in the same bed is an important example for children. Children read love and warm relations between parents from a multitude of trifles, and to demonstrate them it is not necessary to rest together.
An important question is how joint or separate sleep correlates with sex life. Perhaps eight hours spent in the same bed increase the likelihood of spontaneous sex - but at the same time, frequent awakenings, lack of sleep and, in general, poor quality rest negatively affect the libido. If you constantly do not get enough sleep and do not feel rested, then, most likely, you will not be up to sex. At the same time, experts say that those who sleep in different rooms need only make a little more conscious effort to maintain intimacy - to allocate time for hugs, intimate conversations and, in fact, sex.
Hugs and physical contact are beneficial - they help bring people closer by producing the "love hormone" oxytocin. But physical proximity is not synonymous with sleeping in the same bed, especially if you cannot sleep together. Couples come to separate sleep for different reasons: it may be the snoring of one of them or the tendency to constantly toss and turn (especially if the bed is not wide enough), a different schedule, when one lies down or gets up earlier and inadvertently wakes the other, a different comfortable temperature, when the blanket is all night pull in different directions. The result is one - for many people, a separate dream means an opportunity to have a good rest and be more cheerful during the day. Good mood and recuperation are also positively reflected in the relationship.
Many couples sleep together simply because they do not have an extra room. The housing problem continues to spoil the sleep quality of a significant part of the world's population.
As psychologist Alexander Serov notes, sleeping separately is often perceived as an indicator of conflict in a couple and, if there was no direct discussion, there is space for joint insults and mutual complaints. One of the partners may feel guilty for not wanting to sleep together, "as is customary," or anger at himself or a partner because he cannot sleep and is forced to experience discomfort. The second partner may feel rejected and unattractive. But the relationship is unlikely to become stronger if one of the partners chronically lack sleep and remain in an irritable mood. Trust, openness and the ability to calmly discuss problems are the basis of healthy relationships, including sexual ones. If a partner is offended by your desire to sleep separately, it is worth talking and telling what the reason is. Yes, joint sleep in a pair is a generally accepted alignment, but if you do not get enough sleep and suffer from snoring, heat, or a partner’s alarm clock too early, you should break the habit and listen to common sense.
Discuss whether there is any value at all for your couple to sleep together - and what is the need behind it. According to Alexander Serov, during the conversation, agreements may arise that are suitable for you: it is possible that you will be sleeping separately only on responsible working days, and there will be no such need before the weekend. Or, for example, there will be a tradition to lie together in bed before going to bed or in the morning, and sleep all the same separately. It is important to remember that often the joint state is interfered with the state with which you need to seek medical help. If one of the partners has bruxism (gnashing of teeth), snoring or forever restless sleep, it is important not only to ensure peace of mind for the second (that is, to sleep separately), but also to start solving these problems by consulting a doctor.
According to Toronto scientists, nearly forty percent of Canadian couples sleep in individual beds. For Russia there is no such statistics, but we suspect that it would be distorted: many couples sleep together simply because they do not have an extra room. The housing problem has spoiled not only Muscovites - it continues to spoil the sleep quality of a significant part of the world's population. Sleeping together or separately, each couple decides for herself - and it would be great for everyone to be able to go into their own bedroom, focusing only on their well-being.
Those who do not have the opportunity to go to different bedrooms can still improve the quality of their joint sleep. It makes sense to spend money on a wide bed and a comfortable mattress - and it is better to put the bed in such a way that you can get up from it on the right and on the left without climbing through the partner. Buy night lamps with adjustable brightness, so as not to wake each other by turning on the light, or not to interfere with falling asleep, reading before bedtime. If the lighting is difficult to adjust, and one of you is seriously hampered by the light, it may be useful to have a good sleep mask. With the noise will help to finish the earplugs, and with a difference of comfortable temperatures - separate blankets. Finally, we should not forget about basic sleep hygiene: it’s not too late to go to bed, to abandon gadgets in the bedroom, not to abuse stimulants and to play sports.
Photo: nastazia - stock.adobe.com, Pro3DArt - stock.adobe.com