If you can’t refuse: How to learn to say no
Text: Yana Shagova
Failure to refuse brings many problems and troubles.: unnecessary meetings, unnecessary business, responsibility that should not lie on you at all, constant fatigue and much more. What to do if you want to stop adjusting to everyone, and how to learn to refuse? We will not promise quick success: the process will be long, but the result is worth it.
How to track down the problem
This is an important job. You have to analyze your behavior and feelings in those moments when, instead of "no," you are squeezed (or cheerfully, but falsely) say: "Yes, of course, come on ..." Watch best in the field: as soon as you have a painful feeling that you agreed to something absolutely not close to you, unpleasant and undesirable - note how it happened. Better yet, record these moments: keep a diary, make notes in the phone, notepad, and the like. Mark what happened, who asked or suggested you, what feelings you had, what you thought and what you said out loud.
It is good if there is an opportunity to do this with the support of a psychotherapist, because behind an inability to refuse, there are usually a number of questions: this may be a disregard for yourself and your needs, fear of authority, fear of being a bad person and even the idea that in life you have to pay. " Here are a few questions that you should think about yourself.
1
Who is harder for you to refuse?
Someone is afraid of reputable people - shy before officials, doctors, older people. And someone, on the contrary, easily comes into conflict with the authorities, but cannot refuse the weaker, younger and defenseless - even if the "weak and defenseless" has long since passed out of childhood and openly abuses the sympathy of others.
Sometimes it is connected with gender: someone is easier to bear the pressure of men, someone - women. It is worth thinking about figures from childhood: reputable men are often afraid of those who had a tough, possibly aggressive father or stepfather, and women - those whose mother, grandmother or other close relative resorted to pressure and emotional blackmail. These are very conditional examples, the connection may be less unambiguous - but if you notice that it is more difficult for you to refuse a certain group of people, think about what characters from your life they look like.
Observe in what circumstances, in what circumstances it is most difficult for you to defend yourself. Maybe you will find that failures are most difficult to give in a particular area: at work, when communicating with relatives or in personal life. This is an occasion to think about what is happening in this part of life, in relations with these people. What are your attitudes about work, friendship, marriage and relationships, family ties?
Often, our ability to keep boundaries is influenced by mood and the extent to which we are cheerful. In what physical and moral condition do you agree on what you really do not want? It is easy to press on many when they are upset, tired, frightened, have not slept. But someone has another problem: they are ready to help everyone and give in when they are in good shape and good mood, and in such a state they are gaining an unbearable amount of work.
2
What feeling is pushing to say yes?
Maybe this feeling of shame or guilt. For example, for refusing to someone who really needs your help, and then you will be a "heartless" and "callous" person. Or for the fact that you are more prosperous, well-off, healthy - and therefore consider that you should help those who have less money, who are ill and do not have other privileges available to you. Or for the fact that you do not work disinterestedly, but receive wages and bonuses, and still want to leave work no later than eight.
It will be useful to understand what is behind the shame and guilt. For example: "To remind the management of the promised increase is ugly, because then I will give out my mercenary intentions." Where does this idea come from, that you need to work on enthusiasm, and not for money? Who thinks so in your family or environment? Under what circumstances? How does this thought affect you now? Or, for example, when you first heard that it was “embarrassing” to be more successful and successful, and this needed to be “compensated” by helping others, for example, driving them to your car, borrowing money, helping with connections?
Or maybe you say a firm "no" to you is a feeling that you are insignificant compared to others, are below them? It seems to such people that they cannot claim a good attitude, a decent life, fair treatment - and if they suddenly receive them, they must somehow “repay”.
In the worst case, this feeling generally tells the person that he walks on this earth and breathes air "in debt." In this case, you must seek psychological help. This feeling is already spoiling life, and in extreme cases it is simply dangerous: it makes you succumb to manipulation, can push and make you stay in an abusive relationship, tolerate mistreatment from relatives, friends, colleagues, agree to dangerous adventures or disadvantageous offers - in a word , harm yourself.
3
Are you afraid that you will fall out of love?
Often, the fear of refusing is the fear of spoiling the relationship, losing loved ones, and being alone. It seems to us that people will leave us if we cease to cede all the time. But it is important to realize that “beloved” and “convenient” are completely different things. First, people who love you just comfortable (-s), hardly ever love you. It is rather like use. And those who truly love you will be rejected. Although at first they may wonder if this is completely new behavior for you.
Rumors about how easy it is to love a person who tries to please everyone is also greatly exaggerated. Next to such a person, it is embarrassing: others feel his stiffness and also begin to experience tension. When you become overly compliant (and) and obliging (), you put the second person in a position where he seems to be obliged to answer you the same - also move your boundaries or feel self-conscious and selfish (and this is not the most pleasant choice).
Finally, the constant shifting of boundaries is not in vain and sooner or later will make you angry and irritable. And instead of saying: “No, but let's be different, it’s uncomfortable for me,” you agree, because you feel that you cannot refuse, and then you sabotage the initiative or attack your interlocutor with reproaches ( do you understand how difficult it was for me to trudge to the other side of the city after work? "). This is a trap of excessive compliance: you are trying to think out for others, but in return you are waiting for the same. Although it would be more convenient for everyone to think for themselves, and then simply agree.
How to start saying no
Once you understand the reasons, you can begin to practice - and gradually develop the skill to deny others. We talk about several techniques and principles that can help with this.
1
Do not think out for others
Stop entering another position - think first (and secondly too) for yourself. Answer the question directly. You can supplement the refusal with an alternative offer, or you can offer nothing if you have no ideas. "Are you comfortable on Wednesday?" “No, completely uncomfortable. I can on Tuesday or Friday.” "Do you want to go for a walk?" - "I do not want to walk at all, I'm tired."
As a rule, this is followed by the following question, like: "Then, maybe, let's watch a movie?" If the interlocutor reacts aggressively or starts accusing you (“Sorry, I don’t want to walk at all today.” - “Yes? Well, maybe we can stop seeing each other at all?”), You are probably dealing with a manipulator. This is definitely an aggressive reaction, and it is worth clarifying its reasons - but not agreeing to the offer only out of fear or unwillingness to offend.
Around people who cannot say no, there are usually a bunch of manipulators of various stripes. This is partly a joke, of course, but imagine that for every five of your no's, your inner circle leaves one manipulator. What a relief!
2
Clarify or ignore veiled requests
"The salary is next week, I have two last thousand in my wallet for food, and here is the move ... And I don’t have a car ... So I got it!" - is it please help with the transport of things? Not. Practice not seeing veiled requests. If an adult really needs a free service, and even such a serious and troublesome, he can muster up courage and ask her directly. In this form, a person’s hazy reasoning about a difficult fate is obtained - you can sympathize with or even transfer the conversation to another topic. By the way, it may be that a person simply waits for sympathy and shares his feelings - then he will be delighted with moral support.
There is a second option for the brave. Just ask directly: "It seemed to me, or do you want to ask me for help with the move?" By the way, this question is a clarification, not a promise. And if the interviewee admits that he wanted to ask for help, you can still say: "Sorry, no."
3
Refuse to make excuses
If you find it difficult to refuse, excuses are a trap. Shame or unwillingness to spoil the relationship pushes you to apologize for your "no" and explain it in detail - but failure in this case sounds much less convincing. “You understand, I can’t offer you to stay with me. Just that week my mother will come ...” - you are justified. The interlocutor can say: "Let me take the tickets a week later, when will your mother leave?" At this point, it becomes even more difficult to refuse. Firstly, because the person seems to have entered your position (although in reality he is simply trying to insist on a convenient option). Secondly, because the first part of your refusal will contradict the second: you will have to admit that you used your mother as an excuse. If the truth is that after the arrival of your mother you are not ready to take someone else away, but you want to relax, then say: "Sorry, I can't." Can advise a good hotel.
Are you a freelancer or are you working on a project job and absolutely do not want to take on a new project? Give up immediately. In this case, the reason can be called, but you need to clearly observe the boundaries. If you think the price is insufficient, call the one you really agree on, and not the arithmetic mean. If you are not satisfied with the time - call realistic terms. Your job is not to be comfortable or convenient. Your job is to fulfill your duties professionally, nothing else.
By the way, if you are trying to be ashamed of, for example, for a deadline or for a price, most likely it is a bad employer (client, contractor), and it’s better not to deal with it at all. As a rule, a person who deemed your price too high will be surprised, or he will turn to a cheaper contractor, or simply say: "Unfortunately, we cannot offer such money." Ask for a discount in the end. But indignation at the “wrong” price or “too slow to complete the task”, and in the most neglected cases of trying to tell you “what kind of money your work actually costs” (usually for some reason it turns out that it is very small), nothing more than a splash of aggression and a desire to push through.
4
Learn to see manipulation and aggression
Grieving in response to a refusal is natural: we cannot demand that people rejoice when they hear our "no." They can be annoyed or even offended. What then is a manipulative reaction? It is inadequate to shame you for something you shouldn’t be ashamed of: that you don’t want to go to the movies for an action movie, because you don’t like this genre, that you don’t like Japanese cuisine and you ask to choose another cafe that you are busy this weekend and can only meet on the following.
The situation when you are trying to shift all the responsibility and require large concessions instead of searching for the third option should also be on the alert. For example, it is convenient for you to meet on Wednesday, and your boyfriend - on Friday, but instead of trying to find a compromise, he is angry that you will not move everything and will not come when it is convenient for him. And even makes far-reaching conclusions from this: "Probably, you just don't love me, and fitness is more important to you than meetings with me."
An extreme case is when a request goes beyond your basic needs (food, sleep, safety, physical comfort), and even knowing this, the person is violently offended by the refusal or is behaving aggressively. “Sorry, I cannot come to visit you so late in the evening, I’m afraid to walk alone in that area,” you say to your friend, and in response you hear that two dark alleys should not become an obstacle to strong friendship and that, probably, you just do not want to communicate with her.
Or your family asks you to schedule joint business on an early morning or late evening when you are still (already) asleep, and are deeply outraged by your refusal, attributing to you laziness, unwillingness to participate in family matters and neglecting them (although you simply declared your right sleep well). You are trying to force feed or forcibly put on a diet and are angry when you refuse. Friends are unhappy that in the middle of a walk you want to go to a cafe, because without food, in their opinion, you can easily suffer another hour or two. You are very tired, and your husband is angry at the denial of sex and accuses you that you do not like him and do not want. All these are examples of inadequate reactions: no one can demand that you neglect your physical well-being.
But even in less threatening cases, the inability of a person to recognize your “no” does not bode well. Of course, if you go somewhere on the fifth sentence, you say that the day doesn’t suit you and you don’t like the place and at the same time you don’t offer anything in return - the person will probably think that they simply do not want to see him or her. Perhaps this is true, and then you should say it directly and explain the reason. But it’s bad when, in response to the cautious: “Sorry, I can't until the weekend. Let's choose a convenient day next week?” - accusations like “Work is dearer to you than friends”, “I forgot my own mother”, “You have become something very busy” are coming down on you. We can and should react to this by firmly defining our borders: “Sorry, but I’m really busy. I can only offer ...” If the situation repeats over and over again, unfortunately, the only way out is to increase the distance. You are not considered an equal person, having their own separate affairs, interests and needs.
Photo: tortlecat - stock.adobe.com, Dmitri Stalnuhhin - stock.adobe.com