Swipe Method: How I went on dates through Tinder for a year
Applications and dating sites have long been part of our lives. - we use them almost as often as messengers and social networks. Right before our eyes, they are changing the mechanisms of communication and the way we meet people. We asked Natalya Arefyeva, who had been dating Tinder for a year, had a meeting with 22 men, and told her why she had a more difficult relationship online than it seems at first glance.
I am 27 years old and I work as an office manager. I have never had long breaks between relationships: one flowed smoothly into another, and small novels happened between them. After five years of marriage with a young man and the subsequent separation, the idea that I urgently need to find someone did not leave me. We live in the Internet era: we order food and clothes online, we also communicate more on the Web - so I calmly relate to acquaintances in social networks.
At first, I met young people from the VKontakte group, which my friend advised me to do. I was not afraid of a specific audience "VKontakte". I do not know, maybe I was lucky for good people, maybe the reason is that I myself was the initiator of dating. Then I switched to Tinder: I was tired of stumbling "VKontakte" on guys with girls, and I decided that there are more people who purposefully want to meet. It was easy to search, there are a lot of interesting people in the application, and I often reciprocated. I often had to write first, but it didn’t bother me: a person will either answer or not, and nothing terrible will happen in either case. Men most often answered me positively, sometimes they were surprised. Some wrote that they were here only because of sex - I swept aside them right away. But I was not offended when they offered sex: I understand that we are all different and everyone is looking for something different.
Tinder was written to me by people who were already in a relationship, were married or were going to get married - they didn’t talk about it right away, but they confessed somewhere in the fourth message. I did not communicate with such people because I did not understand why I needed this: it would be unpleasant for me if I knew that the man has another one. Was I afraid to meet someone who is already in a relationship and hides it? I didn't even think about it. But I knew that if a person is looking for relationships in social networks, then, most likely, I’m not the only girl with whom he corresponds with, and after me he will surely go on another date. Probably, I myself behaved the same way.
Meetings began to resemble interviews with standard questions.
To those who I liked, I always offered to meet: mimicry, voice, manner of speaking - all this causes more sympathy than just correspondence. Most of the time I was disappointed, and these were single dates: all the time it seemed to me that something was missing in a person, something was not catching. I saw some minor flaws that repelled me, and thought that maybe on the next date, it would be better with another person. Because of such a wide choice, you stop appreciating a person and see positive qualities in him, pay attention only to what you don’t like. It turns out that you immediately stop putting efforts on a date - and even if a person then writes you, you merge him because of some minor flaws. In the end, you realize that not a single person does not have everything that you need - this discovery upset me very much.
With online dating, everything happens faster than with classic dates - I don’t know, maybe this is a general trend, and we want everything to happen faster in our life. On the first date, I was in a panic, I was shaking all over. After a long relationship, I had no idea what it was like to go on a date, I didn’t know what to say, what would happen if I didn’t like the person. But then all the meetings went over and started reminding interviews with the same standard questions and answers - about hobbies, hobbies, work. I realized that you cannot go on dates with a bad mood - no one wants to listen about problems, people are drawn to the positive.
The first person I met through Tinder impressed me the most. We walked with him, talked, but did not work out - in the end we became friends, not a couple. I am glad that I met him, he changed my idea of men: I didn’t like him at all externally, but his character and manners made me reconsider my attitude towards nice guys. In the future, I have already paid attention not so much to the appearance as to the manner of communication, values, tastes of the young man, his plans for the future. I like listening more than talking, so I mostly asked men to talk about themselves. I came across open people - most often it was those who were not born in Moscow: I was wondering how they moved to the capital, who they work with, is it difficult for them to live here. Many guys understand that the first meeting is like an interview with standard questions.
In 70% of cases, I liked guys, although I don't have the most ordinary appearance: red curly hair, the length and shape of which I constantly change, many tattoos on my body, symbolizing different stages of life (especially I like tattoos on my arm), piercing. I was looking for something that would hook me, and I was upset that everything was not right: apparently, with age, demands on a partner and fears grow, and loneliness delays. As for the appearance of those with whom I met, there were no disappointments - but people turned out to be softer and more modest than they seemed on social networks. All my disappointments were probably related to what I thought up for myself. It seems to me that nobody liked me, there is no fault of the men themselves - they all tried to show themselves from the best side.
I remember how I decided to install Tinder: I was on the subway, I was completely lonely and sad, and I decided to see what would happen. I don’t know how it happened, but then I couldn’t live without him: if I had free time, I had to go to the app, look at the men, after that I felt less lonely. When meetings didn’t work and I didn’t like something in a person, I again visited Tinder, looked at the users and felt calmer. It frustrated me because I understood that the search can last forever: every day someone comes to Tinder and it’s very hard to stop at one thing. It delays: over time, I stopped worrying when I went on dates. When it became sad for me and I was afraid that I would live alone all my life, I went into the app and admired the guys - it all looked like a game or a search for clothes in an online store. Tinder changes: you stop appreciating a partner and pay more attention to disadvantages than to virtues. With age, requests to partners grow; I think we are always trying to find someone better.
I was ashamed that I stopped appreciating those with whom I meet, that every time I tried to find someone better.
Another disadvantage of online dating is that you have nothing in common. If you meet through friends, you have one social circle and you can meet the company. A stranger is much harder: you need to look for common topics, points of contact. It is probably annoying that you immediately see a person as a potential partner - and since nothing binds you anymore, it seems to me, the interest disappears.
Thanks to Tinder, I realized that you should not be afraid to write first and go to meetings: even if there is no second date, you can have a good time — go to a concert, have a coffee, and visit the exhibition. Live communication is much more interesting, albeit more difficult, and Tinder allows shy girls and men to express themselves. But during the time that I used the application, I was disappointed in myself: I was ashamed that I stopped appreciating those with whom I met, that every time I tried to find someone better.
I admit, I haven’t deleted Tinder yet, but I stopped using it. I left him to travel in order to find interesting people in another country to talk to. I want to say that I have a new relationship, but it did not happen thanks to a dating site. I thought about what exactly hooked me up in this man. Perhaps the fact is that when we met, we did not think of each other as potential partners, but began to communicate as friends. I realized that it was more suitable for me to start communicating easier, in a friendly way.