Return to yourself: How to live grief, not avoiding it
Living loss is just as importantas much as the taboo topic. The mourning reaction is triggered when we experience any significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of identity. So, sorrow accompanies emigration, a change of work, and indeed any change of status - like the appearance of a chronic disease. Even if it is not fatal, a person still loses the expected future, which causes heavy feelings.
Our society avoids everything connected with death and loss - and the topic of grief because of this also turns out to be closed. Practically everything that we are accustomed to in the context of experiencing loss is an unproductive way to deal with what happened. Those who are faced with parting are advised to quickly throw out all things and general photos and start searching for a new partner. Those who are injured, sick or have lost their jobs are told to "rejoice in what they are." And about death or a deadly disease in general they speak with difficulty, preferring not to mention what may cause a sharp reaction.
It is believed that mourning after the death of a loved one, divorce or separation after a long relationship lasts at least a year and a half, and often several years - although the severity of experiences, of course, dulled over time. Griefing is a long process, but it is important to live it in order to regain oneself — oneself.
Text: Yana Shagova
Stages of grief
Everyone is well aware of the grief scheme of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, according to which there are from five to twelve stages - as in this picture. Most often you can hear about five: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The Kubler-Ross model is good for specialists in helping professions who are facing someone else's grief: doctors, psychologists, social workers, hospice workers, and so on. However, analyzing your own state in this way is not easy. For example, in denial, people are often found much longer than it seems to them - for several weeks or even months. This stage, together with the shock that precedes it, is often mistaken for depression, the final stage preceding the coming out of grief — because of this, a person may mistakenly assume that he will soon become better.
In addition, the stages often do not proceed in the sequence described above. The process of mourning is accompanied by a variety of intense feelings: guilt and shame, anger and fear. They can replace each other as they please - and any reasons that are not directly related to loss can become a trigger for them. For example, a person engulfed in anger after the death of a parent can be angry at a partner, at children, at acquaintances whose parents are alive, or even just at colleagues and passengers in the subway. Anger accompanies loss because something good is taken away from us: a relationship, a loved one, health or opportunity. The world turns out to be unfair to us, and we are angry at it and at the individual people in it.
Often, people, not realizing that they go through the "normal" process of mourning, quarrel with friends, part with partners or leave work
Wines and shame are characteristic of any traumatic experience. But when we are confronted with a loss, they can spread to any other areas: for example, we can become dissatisfied with our work or appearance, decide that we are not paying enough attention to our relatives, and so on. Griefing does not always mean that a person will feel depressed - he may experience bursts of great anxiety, even panic. This can happen, even if everything bad seems to have happened - for example, he has already parted with a partner, or a close one has already died. Anxiety can be tied to the cause of loss (“I don’t know at all how to organize a funeral, everything goes wrong”), and, at first glance, is not at all related to it (“I’ll fail the project and they will fire me”). Only in the final stages of mourning comes a feeling of depression and depression. At this moment, a person may feel that besides his loss he has other realistic reasons because of which he is in decline: he did not take place in the profession, in relationships, life “did not succeed”. The grief as if paints everything in gloomy tones.
All this is important to know in order to better understand your feelings. Often, people, not realizing that they go through the "normal" process of mourning (as far as grief can be called "normal"), make decisions under the influence of strong feelings overwhelming them. Argue with friends, part with partners, leave work or curse the team when this could have been avoided. Understanding what is happening in our psyche, we can more carefully treat ourselves and our loved ones.
Mourning Tasks
There is another, more convenient for personal use model proposed by psychologist William Vorden and described in the translation of Varvara Sidorova. It does not rely on the stage, but on the tasks of grief that the person facing the loss must go through in order to return to normal life.
There are four tasks in total. The first of them can be compared with the stage of denial in the Kubler-Ross model - this is a recognition of the fact of loss and irreversibility of the situation. In an attempt to avoid pain, our psyche is trying to replace reality with an illusion, telling us that nothing seemed to have changed. It is in this state that the parting partners assure everyone that they will remain friends, they will even go on vacation together and go to friends' parties. A person who has been diagnosed with diabetes continues to eat fast food and sweets, without thinking about the consequences.
People whose psyche is difficult to cope with this task, do not go to the funeral of loved ones. They can rationalize it differently: "I can not take time off from work" or "I want to remember her alive (his life)." But the meaning of the funeral, in addition to sharing grief with others, is precisely to recognize sweat and its irreversibility. The tradition, which frightens many people, to kiss the deceased on the forehead or stroke the hand helps to the same: bodily sensations help us to finally realize the death of a loved one - the dead body feels very different from the living to the touch.
It is possible to deny not only the loss itself, but also its significance (after all, if something is not important, it is as if it is not). For example, we did not get on well with a deceased relative and we can say that we are not worried about his death, because the relationship was bad. Or devalue the worries about divorce, saying that they have already “fallen out” and “burned out”, and now we just want to rejoice that they are finally free. Indeed, when a difficult relationship ends for us, or a person who is painfully dying and has been ill for a long time, both joy and relief can accompany loss — this is normal. But we will grieve, even though the relationship could be bad. Losing a relationship or a person, we lose a future in which that person would be, forced to rebuild all his life, and also recognize that improvement is impossible.
In the process of this first task, we may, for example, see people vaguely similar to a deceased person in a crowd or think: “We will have to tell about this to him / her,” and only then realize that there is no one to tell. It happens that the separated spouses are drawn to type a message to the former partner in order to share some impression, as they did during the marriage. Such a state at the first time after the loss is normal: it creates a “buffer” for the psyche, helping to gradually realize the fact of loss. But if it drags on for years, the person gets stuck in eternal mourning. On the one hand, he avoids the pain of loss, because no matter how it comes to it. But on the other - he also loses the opportunity to return to a full life, build new relationships and get fresh impressions.
One of the frequent manifestations of such a "jam" is an attempt to save the room and all the things of the deceased in their previous form, as if he could return at any moment; or, for example, the fascination with spiritualism and the desire to communicate with the soul of the deceased, as with a living person. The attempt to maintain the status quo after separation is a phenomenon of the same order: people deny that the content of their relationship has changed - and cannot remain the same.
It is necessary to make a reservation that all this applies to religious people. Even if a person believes in the afterlife, where he will meet with loved ones, he needs to recognize that this meeting will take place only after the allotted life. In such a situation, it is also necessary to restructure thinking and accept the fact of loss.
Immersed in pain, a man is afraid that he will never leave it. In fact, everything is quite the opposite - living pain makes the way out of the state feasible.
The second task of grief is to recognize pain and relive it, the denial of loss also “protects” us from it. Indeed, this stage sometimes seems unbearable: the grieving psychologists' clients often ask how long the experiences will last and whether they will end at all. Immersed in pain, a man is afraid that he will never leave it. In fact, everything is quite the opposite - living pain makes the way out of the state feasible. Attempting to escape, on the contrary, forces the psyche to get stuck in this stage - sometimes for years.
Unfortunately, this method of escape from hard experiences is not only practiced, but even encouraged. It is believed that if a person experiences “too much” after a divorce or even after the death of a loved one, with him “something is not in order”. In fact, it is uncomfortable for others to be close to a person who has experienced acute grief, because it hurts their own memories of the loss - perhaps not experienced. It is from this feeling that people can give "invaluable" advice: a woman who has a miscarriage is told to get pregnant again as soon as possible, a couple just divorced - to start going on dates with other people after two weeks, because you have to "move on."
The tradition of mourning, which almost disappeared today, just gave a person the opportunity to “legally” express pain and present it to the world around. Seeing a man in black or with a mourning bandage on his sleeve, everyone understood that they were dealing with a grieving person. This removed the need for a person to explain every time why he was depressed (this can be very hard), why he would refuse invitations or not want to spend time in a noisy company. Commemoration, one of the few traditions that have survived to this day, makes it possible to share grief with loved ones, share warm memories of the dead, and feel the support of other people who are experiencing the same thing. In addition, they "measure out the time" (three days, nine days, forty days from the moment of death) and thus do not allow the psyche to get stuck in the illusion that time has stopped and the deceased is still near.
Attempting to “slip through” this stage leads to traumatization. It looks as if the person very quickly recovered from the loss and began to live on. In fact, the unlived pain remained inside, and the person will “fall” into it again and again, marveling at why the theft of the bag or the unsuccessful presentation causes such a storm of heavy feelings.
The third task of grief, according to the concept of Worden, is to rebuild the structure and its environment. Loss changes lives: if we lose a person because of death or separation, we may lose part of our identity (“I am no longer a married person”), as well as the functions that this person performed in our life. Of course, this does not mean that relationships are reduced to functions, but the disappearance of even the most everyday things (“The husband has always engaged in repairing the car”), not to mention the emotional moments, firstly, it reminds us of loss again and again, and secondly inevitably reduces the quality of life.
This task is relevant, and when we lose part of the opportunities due to illness or injury: "I can no longer enjoy sports (or professionally) go in for sports", "I can no longer give birth", "I will not travel anymore." After we realize the reality of this loss and survive the pain of having been deprived of our desired future, it is time to think what, then, to fill the void that has formed.
It is possible to go to this stage when the pain of loss is no longer so strong and there is an opportunity to reflect on the vital. The parting partners think who they would like to communicate with and spend their time with now, go to the cinema, cafe or go on vacation - and if they want to do it alone. Adult children who have lost their elderly parents are thinking who to turn to for advice and support. Widows and widowers think how to arrange life without a dead spouse.
Unfortunately, sometimes the third task is ahead of others or goes along with them - when the person who left us performed some vital functions, for example, he earned a significant part of the family budget. Again, it is considered that this is a favorable factor (“But she has children, she has someone to live for,” “Now you need to look for work, but you’ll get distracted”). In fact, this greatly complicates the grief: instead of more smoothly living the denial, and then the pain of loss, a person is forced to actively solve problems in the outside world - although he does not have the internal resources to do so.
It is believed that if a person is "too much" worried, then with him "something is wrong." In fact, it is uncomfortable for others to be close to someone who has experienced acute grief.
The fourth task is to change the attitude towards the person whom we have lost, or towards the former life and opportunities that it gave. Despite the apparent ease, sometimes this stage lasts a long time - it all depends on how much a person has managed to cope with the previous three. At this stage, we accept the fact of loss and can develop a new attitude towards who or what we have lost. It is believed that sadness and pain are replaced by sadness and bright memories remain. An athlete who has lost his career after a serious injury is still sad, but now he can remember the joy after winning competitions, is proud of the fact that his life was such a rich and interesting period. Those who have lost a close relative remember him not with acute melancholy, but with sadness and gratitude for the experienced moments. When thinking about a former partner or partner, we remember jointly experienced moments, vacations, common jokes. We are grateful for the fact that this relationship was in our life, but without a sharp regret that they ended.
Trapped in grief
At any stage of serious loss, it is desirable to enlist the support of a psychotherapist. In grief, it is very important to find support in the outside world, to share it with another, more stable person, because we ourselves at this moment cannot be stable. But especially the therapy is necessary for those people who find in themselves the signs of unfinished or "frozen" mourning.
Not fully lived grief can manifest itself in different ways - for example, a person does not grieve at what would seem to be a significant loss. “I was diagnosed with asthma, and I had to give up basketball, but I don’t remember that I was somehow very worried. I was distracted by something.” "Mom died when I was in senior grade, so I didn’t have time for tears - I was preparing for exams." "I do not remember the divorce. Everything was normal: went to the registry office and divorced." An alarming sign and, on the contrary, a very emotional attitude to the loss, even after many years. For example, ten or fifteen years have passed, but a person is still stifled with tears when he talks about a deceased friend or relative. Or the couple divorced a few years ago, but the anger against the former partner who broke off the relationship remains the same.
In grief, it is very important to find support in the outside world, to share it with another, more stable person, because we ourselves cannot be stable at this moment.
Prompt that the process of mourning was disrupted, maybe our body. Those whose loved ones died of illness or injury may suddenly develop similar symptoms, although they do not have the same condition. For example, the late mother suffered from emphysema, and her daughter develops a syndrome of hyperventilation caused by psychological causes. Or, after the death of a person close to cancer, oncophobia begins in a person: he endlessly “discovers” the symptoms of one or another form of cancer, is undergoing tests, is in constant fear. Prolonged depression, self-destructive behavior, an abrupt change in lifestyle immediately after a loss (for example, a sudden move, an abrupt change in work, etc.) can also signal that the "frozen" grief continues to affect life.
Dealing with unlived grief alone is difficult. You can try to write to the person you lost as a result of separation or death, a letter telling about your feelings - but not send it. You can try other practices: keeping a diary, writing down memories, - the truth is, there is no guarantee that they will help themselves. Occasionally they may even worsen the condition, immersing a person in too heavy memories. In any case, it is important to live the grief in order to move on despite the loss - and you should not be afraid to ask for help for this.
Images: Zebra Finch - stock.adobe.com (1, 2, 3)