With a partner, colleague or friend: How to part with a person so that everyone is ok
"To part so as not to offend anyone" - a phrase that sounds more like an oxymoron. No wonder: one can hardly imagine a parting where no one’s feelings will be hurt - especially if the initiative comes from only one side. Nevertheless, there are ways to make any parting — be it a love, friendship, or working relationship — more ethical and neat and minimize possible resentment. We have collected several techniques that can help in different situations. Of course, we do not take into account extreme options such as an abuse and a threat to life and health: here we should not think about the "ethical" situation and the feelings of a person - we must first take care of ourselves and our own safety.
alexander savina
Parting with a partner
Breakup with a partner or partner is probably the first thing we think about when we hear the word “parting”. For many, it is, naturally, one of the most complex. The first thing that is advised in such cases, in order to reduce the degree of stress, is not to delay the process. No matter how difficult the decision may be and no matter how much you want to delay an unpleasant conversation, constant postponement will not solve the problem, but will only make it worse: if you worry that you are upsetting the person, imagine how much worse it will be when he or she understands that you have long wanted to end the relationship. Of course, it is not necessary to chop off the sleeper either - such a serious decision is worth considering in order, if you wish, to try to improve the situation by talking with a partner or partner - or referring to a specialist together. In each case, you need confidence: if you constantly change your mind, a person on the other side of the breakup will be doubly insulting.
Sometimes there is a natural desire to skip the conversation and go directly to the guest, but experts do not advise doing so, even if the relationship was fleeting. “Inner confusion of feelings or personal confidence sometimes lead to a desire not to explain at all, but simply to disappear from all radars, not to respond in messengers, not to see each other, to pretend that nothing happened, - psychologist Maria Dolgopolova argues. - It happens that experience the parental family has the idea that talking about the completion of communication (or other refusal) will not work calmly. There will be only a cry, manipulation, obsession - and so on until you take an impenetrable position and completely stop the dialogue. So why not start right away with no discussion? "
It is better to say everything clearly, but honestly, without leaving room for double interpretations and false hope.
The psychologist notes that the victims of ghosting are under a double blow: they have not only to survive the gap, but also to ask themselves the inevitable question: "Don't I deserve at least a short explanation for this choice?" "Directly voiced a proposal to say goodbye, in the case when the safe conditions of the dialogue are preserved, is the most favorable option for both those who propose to leave and those who learn about it,” says Maria Dolgopolova. “Those who end the relationship will not have to cope with two wounds instead one inescapable - the need to come to terms with the choice of a partner or a partner. And the one who offered, will have the opportunity to constructively experience a sense of guilt. " Otherwise, according to the expert, “leaving the past in the past” will be much more difficult, and the feeling of guilt may become “chronic.”
Inevitable conversation can be less painful for all participants, if you prepare for it in advance. Think about where you would like to express your feelings: for example, in a too crowded place, it can be more difficult for a person to cope with emotions if he or she believes that it is necessary to “keep face” by all means, although it is not easy to keep calm The only exception is the situation of access and the threat to your security: if you are alone with a person you will be afraid, it is better not to do it) You do not need to come up with a detailed script, but if you haven’t at least decided on what exactly you are going to say, there is a risk of speaking things in the heat of emotions that you will regret later.
It is better to say everything clearly, but honestly, without leaving room for double interpretations and false hope. “Even if you don’t want to hurt a person, clichéd explanations or lies will only add resentment,” says Jonathan Bennett, an expert at the dating agency. “Although you don’t need to explain in detail why you are parting, banality and false excuses (like, it's not you, I’m going to make things worse. "
Dismissal
If you think about it, dismissal is also a separation, even if at this moment we stop working relationships, not personal ones; Nevertheless, it can also be problematic and remind of itself after months. Career consultant Ksenia Avdey says that she often encounters situations where employers do not know how to say goodbye to employees who for some reason did not cope with the task. “The main mistake is that they try to present the dismissal as a mistake of one person, and build on the statement of the alleged“ truth ”about which employee is not well done, the consultant says.“ The second, equally serious, mistake is that feedback cannot be formulated or is not given at all. A person enters the labor market with a fairly tarnished professional self-esteem, and this does not help either him or the company. "
According to Avdey, the dismissal will be less offensive for an employee if several factors are taken into account - first of all, the responsibility for what is happening lies on both sides: Each party must bear this responsibility. Believe me, it will be difficult for a person over the coming months - explain better what happened and define the scope of your responsibilities to him. "
Perhaps a person will want to get feedback and understand what caused the situation, but insults will not help either him or the company.
As in the case of any other conversation, you will have to prepare - to think over the course of the conversation, while not forgetting about the legal side of the issue and the company's plans for the future. Ksenia Avdey recommends that you come up with a response proposal in advance to the employee - compensation or, for example, the opportunity to refine while searching for a new job. In case of serious violations, you can use the option of dismissal in one day.
As in the case of any other parting, the experts recommend speaking concretely and correctly, without humiliating the person: perhaps he or she wants to get feedback and understand what caused the situation, but insults will not help him or the company. Probably, the employee will be more comfortable to collect things not in front of the entire office, but, for example, after the end of the working day. If a person does not know how to tell colleagues about what happened, the employer should offer help in formulating an explanation. The specialist also advises to formulate a plan for the transfer of cases: "It is your responsibility to collect all the necessary knowledge and data for the company and prevent the disclosure of important information (sign the NDA and other non-proliferation documents)."
Parting with a friend
Not so long ago, we already talked in detail about parting with friends. For some reason it is customary to treat friendship less seriously than partnership, although the loss of friendship can be very painful. The important difference from the break-up with a partner or partner here is that the friendship often fades away by itself - and if it suits both parties of the relationship, everything happens without serious consequences. Difficulties begin where one of the participants is not ready to transfer the relationship to a friend area (and then the question arises whether the situation will change or not) or when the relationship becomes toxic and no longer brings joy to someone in the couple.
Unlike breaking with a partner or a partner, in such situations it can be more difficult to understand how to act, each situation is individual, so the methods will depend on the circumstances. Somewhere it might be appropriate that in a romantic relationship would call ghosting: soft refusals from meetings under polite pretexts. In this case, nothing prevents, for example, to see the general company calmly and avoid embarrassment. This technique will work in a situation where before you were united by a common cause - say, work, study or hobby.
Experts advise not to go into details and not to describe in detail what the other person is not comfortable with - it’s enough to mark your boundaries.
In other cases, you may need a "final" conversation - as is the case with parting with a partner or partner, it should be polite and correct. Experts advise to pay attention to specific things that you do not like in a relationship, but do not go to the charges and the more insults. For example, you can say: “I don’t like you discussing me behind my back all the time. Sorry, but I don’t want to see anymore” or “Lately we’ve been doing that we swear. I need a break,” it all depends from what seems most appropriate and sincere in a particular situation. In this case, you should be prepared for the fact that the reaction will be more emotional, and meetings (for example, if you have mutual friends or you work in the same office) will become awkward and strained. It may be that a person wants to change, and the relationship with you will be more important than toxic habits. But this, of course, does not mean at all that you must continue to communicate - especially if a person has done something that does not fit into your value system at all.
As in other partings after a close relationship, experts advise not to go into details and not to describe in detail what the other person does not like you - it’s enough to mark your boundaries. "There is no guarantee that this will help another person and help him to accept the loss. Your friend only has to go all this way on his own," says psychologist Irene Levine.
Photo: Iris De La Torre (1, 2)
