Sacrifice is my second name: How to observe the interests of a partner without harming yourself
Family therapists speak with one voice that the support and responsiveness of partners towards each other is the main guarantee of a strong marriage. But what if support has become somewhat one-sided? How to take into account the interests of the partner, without stepping on his throat? Here are five rules to balance.
Voluntary work and the right to refuse
Yes:
partner understands that you can not always be at his disposal. "Of course, stay at home, since you're tired. Come together another time."
Not:
according to the partner, you are obliged to provide any help or attention as soon as they are needed. "What does it mean to talk in the evening?" It happened to me! "
Any support - active or emotional - requires a great resource from the supporter. A partner may ask for support at any time, but this does not mean that you must agree at any time. The good old rule works here: first put on the oxygen mask. You can support someone only with strength, time and voluntary desire. Attempts to do this through force significantly worsen the relationship.
It is curious that sometimes support through force occurs even without the requirements of a partner. Traditional ideas about gender roles prescribe a woman to be compliant, docile and put the interests of loved ones in the first place. Even if a couple says something different and the partner doesn’t really expect any exploits, you still break, abandon everything, go with him to each rehearsal of his rock band or listen to his long story about difficult relationships at work, when you most want to sit in silence after a hard day. Because otherwise, the feeling of guilt for "unfeminine" and "unsupportive" behavior simply eats you from the inside.
What to do? Discuss this situation with a psychotherapist. Discuss it with a partner, again and again. In the case of aggressive behavior ("What are you so tired of?") - the boundaries should be set fairly tightly. Just tired, and everything, I'm sorry. There is an alarming reaction, when the refusal of immediate support is perceived as rejection. In such cases, the designation of terms helps: "in a week I will be able to go with you," "in a couple of hours we will definitely talk."
And when heroism and sacrifice are your second name, clarifying agreements help: "Let me tell you when you really need my support and presence, and at other times I will not feel guilty for periodic refusals, knowing that not so critical. " It works in a situation where the partner is set up peacefully and does not require infinite feedback.
The ability to allocate time for you two is a priority
Yes:
Relationships in priority, even if the partner is very passionate about something. "Well, let me put it off, and we will go out for dinner and have a romantic evening."
Not:
You are endlessly asked to wait, because now the partner is busy. "Sex and chat? Come on in two weeks. You know what a crucial period I have now."
No doubt, such a period of “everything in two weeks, dear (dear)” can happen to every person or even to a couple. But if you began to feel a regular lack of attention, communication, bodily contact - in short, a shortage of the relationship itself, this is a reason to sound the alarm. Unfortunately, the partner is not always ready to hear it from the first time.
The argument can be very rational. In the soft version, the partner can convince you that he is building relationships: “You understand that I work around the clock, because I earn money for us, for our family! So I express my love,” “I develop this project to we had a steady income in the future. " And in extreme cases, you may even be appointed guilty (guilty): "You're just an egoist (ka). You want me to drop everything and sit with you."
The problem is that a stable income or success will not replace the relationship itself: the presence of the partner, his attention, time spent together. The need for human contact cannot be paused, so that after two weeks or six months, press "Play" again as if nothing had happened.
What to do? To thank the partner for taking care of the financial (business, etc.) side of the relationship and honestly say that you are sorely lacking his attention and contact with him. And that this becomes critical. In a good case, you will find how to make up for it: telephone conversations in the middle of a busy day, ritual fifteen minutes of embraces before bed or in the morning over a cup of coffee. In a couple's life there are very tense periods when there is really little time for communication. But it is important the desire of both to go forward and maintain safe, stable contact.
Unfortunately, if, after several attempts at a serious conversation, the partner did not hear you and did not change the order of priorities, it means that he is not ready to do that. It is useless to try to make a fuss or beg, over and over again telling your feelings: with a man demonstrates his choice. It remains only to decide how this situation suits you. Well, if you can do it with the support of relatives and / or a psychotherapist - such choices are always made difficult.
Reciprocity
Yes:
partner also supports your interests. "I also care about what you like. An interesting series, you say?"
Not:
his / her interests are more important, and, of course, there is an explanation! "Your hobby is simply nonsense, and I have a matter of life / earnings /" socially useful "occupation."
In a harmonious couple, the interests of both partners are about the same, and no matter how large or insignificant they look from the outside. Volunteering to go to a children's tourist camp is good. Playing cars on the phone is good too. It is easy to devalue other people's hobbies, because we do not know from the inside, which gives a person clay modeling, karting or even, oh, horror, an evening hang on Facebook. Perhaps for him it is a valuable resource. And we have no right to judge.
When the interests of one of the partners begin to demean aloud - this is a bad sign. Usually, rational argumentation is brought in (another bad sign). For example, this: my site brings money from affiliate advertising, and your knitting - stupid trinkets. My volunteering is a contribution to the future of humanity, and your anime is entertainment for those who are too lazy to think. Sometimes partners start relationships from the standpoint of equality, but later someone’s projects, hobbies or main occupation start to bring in big money and take a lot of time, and the interests of the second one thus begin to look secondary, insignificant.
What to do? It is very important to slow down the process and not to support such a balance of forces. To regain the right to our own interests and defend their importance and value: "Sorry, but I like it, and I want to do it." You do not have to make excuses and make rational arguments like that yoga makes you calm and collected and after it you can do your homework with full dedication. It is enough that you find it interesting and enjoyable.
Help, but not shifting responsibility
Yes:
request for help. "Can you listen to the theses for my tomorrow presentation and suggest something? I’m really worried."
Not:
shifting responsibility to the uncomplicated. "Why didn't you tell me that the images in the slide went ?! I set me a laughing stock in front of the management and partners."
Unless your project is general and the presentation is not signed by two names at once, the author is responsible for the result. An assistant may notice flaws or not notice, give good advice or completely failed. Help is not project management, nor leadership or mentoring. This is a friendly and interested attention to what your partner wants to share, and feasible participation. Sharing responsibility is not too honest.
What to do? Sympathize, but not take responsibility for yourself: "I am sorry that everything went wrong." If the accusation is thrown at the moment of exaltation, there is a chance that the person will quickly come to his senses and apologize. If the attacks continue, it is a reason to designate my own boundaries of responsibility: "Forgive me, I am not ready to monitor the quality of your work. For me, help is to participate as much as possible."
Do not replace the help of "shadow self-realization"
Yes:
"I liked so much helping you to make a speech. It seems I also need to think about organizing a seminar."
Not:
"All day at work I was thinking how to organize this project. Why don't you want to listen ?!"
Julia Cameron, author of the best-selling book “The Way of the Artist,” called such people “shadow artists”. These are those who are afraid to engage in creative work because of fear of criticism, poverty or failure. Instead, he chose a “substitute” career (for example, a film critic or art consultant), which allowed him to be “nearby” or became a partner of a creative person. Cameron’s book is dedicated to creativity, but you can just as easily imagine "businessmen-shadows" or "project managers-shadows."
This is a subtle point. Of course, we like to help in what we ourselves understand and are interested in. And sharing responsibility with someone is not as scary as taking all the blows on yourself. It is important that you do not become a “shadow figure” behind the partner’s back, only because you are afraid to manifest yourself separately and independently. No matter what you help him with - creativity, business, organizing a cinema club for friends or moving up the career ladder - it is important to notice when the motive of aid is replaced by the motive of “shadow” self-realization.
A good marker of what you are no longer helping, too carried away by the role of "second guitar" and afraid to perform solo - aggression. You are angry with your partner, because your ideas are better, but he does not accept them. You are angry because he did not achieve the results you wanted “for him”. And terribly angry when you hear back: "Listen, but this is still my business (career, song, and so on)."
What to do? Recognize that you want to be realized in some area. Admit your fear, which obviously exists. And then you can go in different ways: try in one way or another to realize their abilities or abandon this idea. Recognition and honesty with yourself are two conditions without which your relationship with a partner and a relationship with yourself will deteriorate.
Photo: phanuwatnandee - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)
