“It’s as if they’re hooked up to electric wires”: Parents about the homosexuality of their children
One of the main newsmakers last week was Kevin Hart: an American actor was appointed leading the next Oscar. The social networks immediately recalled to him homophobic tweets seven years ago, after which Hart himself refused to conduct the ceremony. In the ill-starred publications, the actor made ambiguous jokes and admitted that he would not allow his child to grow up gay. "If my son comes home and plays dolls with his daughters, I will break them and tell him to stop this geystvo," he wrote in 2011. Later tweets were removed, but the Internet remembered them. “I decided to refuse to participate in the Oscars this year,” Kevin now writes. “I don’t want to divert attention from an event that such amazing talented artists will celebrate. I sincerely apologize to the LGBT community for tactless words."
Hart's case is indicative - even the most progressive people are often afraid of coming out of their own child. Adoption depends largely on the culture and mood in society: 90 percent of Japanese parents, for example, are ready to accept their child’s sexual orientation or gender identity, while in Russia the number of those who condemn voluntary same-sex relationships for the first time in twenty years has exceeded 80 percent. We talked to parents about how they learned about the homosexuality of their children and what changed the recognition.
Text: Anton Danilov, author of the Telegram channel "Promeminizm"
Larisa
45 years
From an early age I began to notice that the son was different from his peers: he was not interested in the traditionally “boyish” fun, he played with the girls. And in kindergarten, and in school for the most part he was surrounded by friends. From time to time I was visited by the thought: "What if my son is gay?" Once I shared my fears with my mother, to which she asked: "Even if so, will he cease to be your son? Will you be less in love with him?" "Of course not," I thought. I drove this thought away from me, but the sixth sense did not let me down: my son is gay.
The first thing I felt after recognizing my son was shock, rejection. Thoughts began to swarm in my head: "Why did this happen to me, in our family? What did I do wrong?" For some reason I blamed myself. I started to read a lot on this topic, but reading didn’t reassure me particularly. I understood that my child was also hard, he was worried about whether he would be accepted as he was, if his relatives would not turn away. His dad did not live with us for a long time, and the rest of the family (grandmother, aunt) took this fact calmly.
Up to this point, the son had girls, and I was happy for them: it seemed to me that my suspicions were not confirmed. After the coming-out, he continued the relationship with one of them, and I helped in every way: I talked for a long time with my son, took him to the sea with the girl, and rented a house for them there. But all in vain: with a girl, he eventually remained on friendly terms and since then he has been dating only with men.
Of course, I was angry. But I never had the thought of completely eliminating my son from life, forgetting about him. It is now I understand that the coming-out should not be taken as a misfortune or universal grief. Homosexuality is not a flaw, it is just a feature. With a man, everything is fine! Yes, despite the acceptance, sometimes I ask myself: "What if everything was different?" After all, it is clear that every parent makes plans: here the child will grow up, finish his studies, marry, lead children. And when you learn about his sexual orientation, you realize that in our country these plans are crumbling. But our plans are just our plans, life very often makes its own adjustments. And the child will remain a child, and the real parent will always love him. My son grew up a kind, sensitive, educated young man. He has his personal life, which he lives as he sees fit. I really want to hope that he is happy. Isn't that what every mom wants?
Andrew
46 years
It became obvious that the boys are not interested in my daughter, even before she confessed that she was a lesbian. I came to this conclusion when she was 12–13 years old, and then only asserted herself in her assumption. And smoothly, we came to the conclusion that, at sixteen, the daughter asked me to perform at the Living Library as the father of a lesbian. She didn’t have to make any recognition and say it out loud: we always communicated very openly and she understood that I already knew everything. We did not silence this topic, but we did not make explanatory conversations either. After the coming-out of my daughter in our life has not changed absolutely nothing: I have always been a normal attitude towards the representatives and representatives of the LGBT community.
When the daughter decided everything for herself, she didn’t hide her orientation from anyone else. Her mother calmly reacted to the recognition, and grandmothers and grandfathers do not fully understand what is at stake, therefore, "just not smoked." I can not say that I worry about her - she does not give reasons for this. She is now twenty years old, she is an adult. She makes decisions herself and takes responsibility. When she has problems that she cannot solve or does not know how, I take part - but only to teach them how to solve them in the future. With the first girl Polina, I, unfortunately, never met.
Masha
46 years
In the distant sixteen years I wrote out the literary magazine "Youth" by mail. They published wonderful authors and authors, whose poems and prose were not to be found on the shelves of Soviet bookstores. Once, when I took out another magazine from my mailbox, I read the intriguing story by Valeria Narbikova with the equally intriguing title “About Ecolo”. The main character was called Petrarch, in abbreviated form - Peter. I fell in love with this story and therefore decided that I had found the most beautiful name for my daughter.
Many years later, I got married and became pregnant, walked with a rounded belly and called him Petya. To the question "What if there is a girl?" I replied that there was a girl there, but for some reason everyone decided that I was joking so much and smiled sweetly. But I was not joking - so Petya came into the world. Of course, my Petya was exactly like Petya, whom I read about: she was a girl who looked like a boy. Lazala on the fence, played football and robots and did not wear dresses - but she had long blond hair and a crowd of fans. In the kindergarten of some "suitors" there were three things with which she secretly kissed. I was sure that I have the most beautiful girl in the world - and because she is a little different from everything, she became even more beautiful.
In the winter of 2009, we moved to St. Petersburg. Petya went to the gymnasium, the boy Vanya fell in love with him there, who all spring stood in our front door waiting for her to leave, and he would shove another note in her hand. And then Petya became sad - and so much that she decided to disperse her fans, but she herself announced that "the boys are fools, they are normal" and that she wants to "be friends only with Lena and Nastya." Then Petya said that she wanted to have a short haircut. I, of course, allowed her and expected some kind of ordinary car, but she left the salon with her shaved nape. And so it went to her! I admired my “girl-boy” and, in my opinion, even told her that she looked like a beautiful boy. I did not see in her desire to look like all girls nothing unusual. And then Petya began to cry a lot. She told me that she was in love, and with whom she did not tell. I did not extort from her, in whom, and waited for her to want to share. In the spring, she called on the phone that she loves Lena and that this is terrible, because Lena loves Nastya, and Nastya left her. I remember that at that time I was walking down the street and I had a small shock discharge in my heart - as if electric wires were connected to my hands. She listened to her tears in the tube, walked along a familiar street, her legs were weakened, and everything around was already different. The whole life is different, my girl is different, she is now crying into the phone and says that she is not like everyone else, and no one loves her.
I remember that I went to some small park on Ligovsky and cried a little. Then she called her beloved one and told about the disaster of a lifetime. And he took it so calmly, as if he was even glad that at last everything fell into place. I then called Petya, saying that everything would work out, that she was beautiful and beautiful, interesting and wonderful. That there will definitely be a person who will love her, just the time has not come yet. And I will always be there, I will love and support her in all matters and undertakings, because I am her mother. I don't care if she likes boys or girls. The main thing is that she is happy with this person. And if she is happy, I will be happy too.
With Lena, Petya ended up having a three-year love “one-sided”: Petya loved her, and Lena was friends with her. Then she had other girls who still come to visit. I am very warm and good with them. They are still very close to me, although each has its own personal life. I sometimes feel scared that Petya will not be able to find a mate for himself forever. "Forever" is a stupid word: I know that there is no forever, but sometimes I really want to believe that it does happen. She categorically does not want children, even through artificial insemination - for her it is unbearable physically. And I am also scared that I will die, and she will remain alone.
Margarita Alekseevna
77 years
We had an ordinary Soviet family: the husband worked as a senior foreman at the Severonikel plant, I worked as a kindergarten teacher, and then I got a job as head of cash operations at the State Bank. We had two sons, who were born six years apart. I find it difficult to talk about their childhood, because it was the same as the other children in the Soviet Union: we worked all year, and in the summer we often went to Sochi and to relatives in Chernigov. I noticed that my younger son Philip often tried on my dresses, used lipstick, but did not attach much importance to this. He worked in a drama group, and I believed that these transformations were part of his hobby for theater. And no one from the relatives thought anything bad.
At school, the son studied well and was very independent, I did not control his performance. Most of the time he devoted his passion for theater. Once we knocked on the door. There was the mother of one of the students of this group, who assured us that her daughter was pregnant by our son. She was seventeen, he was fourteen. Philip, of course, denied everything, and we believed him. But in a small town you could not hide a stitching in a bag, so this story very quickly got publicity. People on the street pointed at us, shouting something indecent after. I remember this story forever.
After school, the son wanted to enter the theatrical institute in Moscow, but he did not enter and went into the army. That was in 1986. Having already returned from the army, he began to live separately: my father and I presented him with a small apartment. He had a friend, whose name was Arthur, they often went somewhere together, even came to visit us sometimes. I knew that Arthur often stayed overnight with my son. Once he called us on his home phone and said: "Your son is blue, and we are not friends." I listened, and the whole body literally froze. Later I found out that they had a bad fight, and he decided to take revenge on my son in this way, because we did not know about his inclinations. To say that I experienced horror is to say nothing. I cried a lot and was afraid that other people would recognize it. And my son also cried - it was a dead end, and we did not know what to do in such a situation. Oddly enough, but my husband reacted to this more simply, or simply did not show it. Then in communication we simply began to avoid this topic. One day, my son gave me a tape of the film "Our Sons". Watching him, I was horrified: the main character becomes infected with HIV and dies from AIDS. I began to fear that my son was also sick, but then he explained to me that this film was about acceptance, not about illness.
Now my son and I communicate well, but we don’t touch on the subject of his personal life. It seems to me that that connection with a seventeen-year-old girl broke his life for him: perhaps, if it were not there, he would be just like everyone else. I can not say that I finally accepted the orientation of my son, I rather just put up with her. He is still my child, and I love him very much.
Alexander
63 years
Masha is my second child, my only daughter. When she was born, I was very happy. We did not deny her anything, but we did not spoil either. Her character began to manifest itself in childhood: Masha is independent and very strong, probably, to her mother. She never complains about anything, and if you put pressure on her, she immediately goes into her "shell". In 2010, her mother died, and we, including the three Yorkshire terriers, were left alone.
When she was in school, I did not notice anything. At the institute, I had some suspicions - although it would be more correct to call them not suspicions, but just thoughts. At school, Masha and her friends often came to visit us, but I was never interested in her personal life. Why should I climb with the questions "Do you have a boy?" or "Who is your boy?" If a person wants, he will tell. When I was growing up, I didn’t tell anyone about my personal life: I don’t like it when they climb into my soul.
I have always been calm towards homosexuality. I have a few gay friends, they are great guys. I have never bothered, but I also don’t like to talk about it, especially considering our homophobic environment. Here I am - heterosexual, I have my own life, my principles. Why should I climb to others, knowing that they are different? This is not a disease, they do not get worse. Drugs are worse - that's what I always followed in my daughter's life.
There has never been any “scrap” in our house, I did not tell her that it is necessary to get married or that she needs to give birth. I learned about Masha's orientation only two or three years ago. The daughter had already graduated from the university and started working. She said: "Dad, you just do not be afraid. I live with a girl, I'm a lesbian." “Okay, so what? You didn’t stop being my daughter,” I replied. It didn’t become a shock for me, life on this recognition was not over. I remember when I looked in the mirror and told myself that I did everything correctly.
I did not tell any of my relatives about the recognition of my daughter and I am not going to do it. People sometimes ask me when Masha will get married, but in that case I advise you to ask her - and the conversation ends there. I don't care what other people think. I believe that sexual orientation is the least shocking. Masha speaks openly about her orientation, but at the same time she is not an activist, she does not climb the barricades. I have always supported it and will continue to support it further.
Nina
61 year
When my son was small, he was already not like all the other boys of his age. He was tender and tender. He was very homely, he loved to play with dolls. I saw that he was somehow not so, but did not think about homosexuality. When my son was taken to the army, I, knowing about the raging hazing, began to fear that they could treat him there as a homosexual man. From where this thought and this fear came from, I still do not understand - after all, then there were only my guesses and experiences, which I in every way drove away from myself.
After the army, the son went deep into gender studies, but he never revealed his secret to me. I calmed down a bit, deciding that everything seemed to me that I was just very worried about him. And the son began to give me various scientific articles on gender studies. Sometimes materials about homosexuality came across - but then I did not perceive them as something separate. I read everything my son gave. He asked if I understood everything, if I had any questions. I, of course, was incomprehensible, but I did not really go into it either. I thought that he was just enlightening me, but I didn’t really need it.
My younger sister often came to us. When the son was not at home, she loved to conduct a tour of his room. I didn’t like it because she had questions. I didn’t have them - even though I saw rainbow flags and different posters in my son’s room. I really trusted my son to doubt him or his occupation.
Then I began to realize that I calmed down too quickly regarding my son’s homosexuality. He tried to tell me, but I did not hear - because I did not want to hear. When we talked heart to heart, he carefully tried to lead me to confession. "Mom, maybe you will stop loving me and generally throw me out of the house when you learn something about me that you can't even talk about ..." I was hurt to hear it, I puzzled and did not understand: my boy does not drink, does not smoke , he does not climb on basements and attics, is engaged in science - what did he do that, that he cannot even tell me? I didn’t want to talk about it with my sister and always switched to other topics right away. It was difficult for me to admit to myself that my suspicions were not in vain.
My questions to my son were often confused. Sometimes I hit the target, and sometimes he tried several times to formulate for me what I wanted to ask. Ultimately, I learned about his homosexuality, and now I am very grateful to him for his patience, the desire to convey information to me, to open the curtain to another world. The world of people forced to remain silent, keep back and hide. By the time my son told me about his relationship, I already accepted and loved all LGBT people I had time to meet. My son's partner was no exception.
Now I’m worried that I don’t live to see the day when homosexual people in our country will be accepted by law and by society. Я познакомилась с замечательными, образованными и интересными ЛГБТ-людьми и их родителями - и мне бы очень хотелось однажды увидеть их всех счастливыми. Я научилась не просто слушать, но и слышать своего сына. А он научил меня шире смотреть на мир.
The editors of Wonderzine thank the group "Coming Out" and personally authoring the telegram-channel "Washed Hands" to Sasha Kazantsev for their help in organizing the interview.
Photo: Marem - stock.adobe.com, Jenny - stock.adobe.com