Is it possible to change a man?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
Is it possible to change a man?
Every girl, at least once in her life, has dreamed of completely removing certain features from her partner and replacing them with others, external or internal. So that the nose was like that of an eagle and spoke of hardness, so that the hands were manly, and the three-day stubble looked beautiful and did not pierce. To be both strong and caring, peacefully withstand the ICP and stopped loving football. Well, or at least to just stop throwing socks all over the apartment. Can I change a man and do I need to do this?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
Meeting someone, sadly, we somehow first of all pay attention to external qualities. And if we dream of spending our whole life in the company of a partner, climbing Everest, then subconsciously we are unlikely to be a sweet, thin, slender young man, who, perhaps, is engaged in just these ascents. A tall and strong guy who will give your heart, in fact, can get involved in the study of dead languages and spend their days in the library. But the question is not how to choose a man according to his interests, but what to do with the person with whom we have already fallen in love.
Love does not guarantee you the same attachment to the habits, friends and "sweet" tricks of your lover. Someone is persecuted by stale socks that endlessly appear from all the cracks, others are freaked out by the habit of snapping their fingers, third (oh my God!) Brings the habit of hanging pants to the window sash to white heat. What is this red rag for you? If it isn’t there, it’s fine (although it’s hard to believe), if it does, then at first you really didn’t think that you could easily get rid of this detail, which seemed to you once full of sweet immediacy and turned your world into a little personal hell? Are men impossible to change, or is this your personal pedagogical failure?
The man who put all his essence on the altar of love, sooner or later will begin to despise himself
On the one hand, men do change. Women change. People change. Over time, circumstances, experience - everything changes. Not that globally and radically, but still. The question is rather whether men change for women? To begin with, recall the experience of relationships in which for you have changed completely and without thinking. This means not all sorts of reasonable things like compromises, but directly all the way. You don’t like that he loves beer - and after a couple of weeks you only watch it in combination with an adorable wine; you don’t like his friends - and after a while they either gradually disappear completely or appear extremely rarely and in situations that in no way disturb you. When all these changes accumulate and your man becomes so much a man of your dreams that more closely resembles your shadow, it becomes somehow scary and very uncomfortable, as a result of which most normal women will prefer to flee out of such relationships right there. It is worth noting, however, that for manipulative women who prefer submissive and malleable material, this will be just that.
The man who put all his essence on the altar of love will sooner or later begin to despise both himself and the one who made him sacrifice with all this (if he is not the rag man mentioned earlier, making up the perfect pair of manipulator, but this is already a pathology) , and then the situation will explode and everything will come to decay. So men change. But not because of whining, complaints and prohibitions, but because of the maturity that appears over time. Summarizing the experience of previous relationships. Understanding something important in these. Growing up, the transition from complete nihilism to the possibility of recognizing at least that with which he himself agrees. To the ability, in the end, to listen between the lines, so that in another request to go to the gym to hear is not an absurd demand to look like Keith Harington, but concern for health and the fear that he will die before you.