Why we are jealous of partners to the former - and how to stop doing it
Unfortunately, a sense of jealousy about the past partner familiar to many. Often, learning about the former passions of a loved one, we unwittingly begin to compare ourselves with them - and the result is not in our favor. We understand what to do if the painful attacks of jealousy are repeated from time to time.
It happens that there really is a reason for jealousy - when a partner has not broken the link with the former or former, although he is in a relationship with you. He calls up or e-mails with her or him, walks coffee as a friend, or meets at common events.
People can maintain friendships after a break or remain in a partner if they have children in common. It is important that your pair should still be in priority. For example, before making an appointment with someone on the weekend, it would be good for a partner to check with you and with joint plans. If you manage a general budget, it is not worth lending money to the former or former without your consent (of course, this is not about alimony, but about sudden and unscheduled amounts).
A sense of distrust and resentment may appear (and quite naturally) if it turns out that a partner with a former or former has secrets from you. Shared secrets create intimacy - it turns out that your loved one does have a past relationship in one form or another. Such a situation, if it does not suit you and hurts, is worth discussing, and the sooner the better. Even if it's scary.
The chance for a long and happy future is with the couple in which partners become the closest people to each other. And this means coordination of plans primarily with each other, responsibility for oneself and for a partner and trust in relations with him. In the theory of family systems, this is called the “marital subsystem,” it is the basis and backbone of the family. Two partners are close to each other, and third parties should not be wedged into the system’s borders: former partners, old and new friends, parents and even children.
This does not mean that they should be neglected - just one of them, ideally, should not become closer than a partner. For example, with the advent of children, the family expands and develops, but spouses must not only remain parents, but also perform the functions of spouses. The older generation - the parents of each of the partners - may also be close people to a son or daughter, but they still belong to the other, the parent subsystem and should not stand as close as a spouse or partner. If this happens after all, the boundaries of the subsystems are violated, and the pair ceases to be strong.
The same with the former: friendship can be maintained, provided that the last partner or partner does not violate your unity. In practice, this is difficult to implement, given that the former partners have many shared memories and emotions, and often even after parting, feelings that are not fully experienced still persist. So if you both value relationships, you may need to agree on minimizing communication with the former and making it as personal and emotional as possible. For example, to meet only at general parties, where the current partner will be, but not to drink coffee alone.
Another case where you may feel that your loved one has not completed an emotional break with a past partner is if he or she constantly talks about this person. He remembers insults or pleasant moments, to the place or not to the place he inserts into the conversation: "But Anna always told me in such cases ..." or "Kostya could not tolerate it." In such situations, it is difficult not to be jealous: there is a feeling that there is a third person in the relationship, even if in reality he has not communicated with your partner for a long time.
You can observe in what situations a person regularly mentions a past connection. Some try to complete their emotional separation in this way, especially if the relationship was long and ended not too long ago. Others, referring to the former, manipulate the partner: “punish” for inattention or provoke jealousy. In any case, explain that you are hurt by the constant mention of the former or former. If you suspect that the partner is trying to manipulate you in this way, try asking him directly what he or she is missing. Does the partner feel valuable and necessary only when he is jealous? Would you like more of your attention, and is this an easy and guaranteed way to attract it? He is also jealous and thus wanted to strike a “retaliation” instead of speaking the situation?
This and the following points suggest that the partner’s past is indeed left behind, but the thought that he or she loved someone before you still hurt. You continue to monitor the pages of the former, to compare their appearance, successes and achievements with their own and to be tormented that you seem worse on their background.
The reasons may be different. For example, the inner voice whispers that, probably, you were chosen only because the applicant “better” refused. And then the appearance in your surroundings or simply the presence in the past of a partner of a person who seems to you better than you is painful - as if you are compelled to prove that you are worthy of love. As if it is necessary to surpass the one to whom your partner paid attention once in the past - according to criteria that you consider important or your partner admires from success in career and popularity to body type or eye color. .
In fact, this so-called cognitive distortion is a logical error in the constructions, which we do not notice, because the wrong attitudes seem to us an indestructible axiom. In this case, it turns out that it is impossible to disprove that very feeling of second-rate - the conviction that you have been chosen "according to the residual principle"; further under this arguments are selected. The judgment looks rational, although its promise is incorrect: if your partner chooses you and the relationship develops, then it is you who are better for him in this segment of life. You no longer need to prove anything and excel anyone. Those old relationships for some reason did not work out, which means they had no future. And your union develops, therefore, you fit each other more.
Usually, the desire to compete goes hand in hand with a sense of inferiority and second-rate: to feel better, you need to win someone. And if there are no real competitors, you can "draw" figures from the past near your partner. It is important to trace the origins of the desire to necessarily compete with someone. As a child, did you transmit the idea that parental love should be won - with excellent grades, good behavior, neat dress? Do you feel that without struggle and effort unworthy of love, that no one will give it to you just like that? And that "you can not relax," even if you have already chosen?
These ideas are safer to disassemble in the office of a psychologist. Usually behind them are the deficit of unconditional love, the feeling of inferiority and powerlessness before any disapproval, brought from childhood, which transfer to adulthood and to relationships with partners. And then it turns out that you do not feel safe in any situation: even if you are chosen, loved and appreciated, you are constantly tense and think that this love is unstable.
Love is mythologized - both in our mind and in culture. For example, many agree with the idea of “one love for life” - this is a popular plot of films, novels and songs. It is assumed that a person meets only “the same” or “the very one” once, their relationship may be formed or not, but this love will remain the strongest in his or her life. Belief in this myth makes one suffer: “But what if I am not the same? Suddenly, this was his last partner, and I am only a substitute?”
The myth of the only love in life is very romantic, but infantile: love appears in him as some separate entity that takes hold of a person and which he cannot control, as if in the grip of the elements. With some stretch, this can be correlated with a feeling of euphoric love in the first stage of the novel. But relationships are not only a strong passion that lasts from a few weeks to a few months. You recognize each other (with the inevitable disappointments), establish contact, build a common one - from a common language ("Please do not call me Lenusik, I hate it") to a general life, finances and life plans.
This process cannot be called uncontrollable, even if you have strong feelings. Therefore, parting at any stage of a relationship is a conscious action: this is how people recognize that they no longer fit each other. Even if the initiator of the separation was only one partner, this indicates that the relationship did not exist. Usually, over time, the one who has left, also recognizes this and finds a positive experience both in relationships and in parting. And then the choice of a new partner and the relationship with him or her become not a gesture of despair, but a conscious step to create a new, more harmonious couple.
Photo: Silkstock - stock.adobe.com, eldadcarin - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)