How to relax during sex?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to relax during sex?
It seems to us that we are not embarrassed by anything - we can be arbitrarily free-thinking in words, calmly joke on slippery topics and have fun discussing 50 types of porn with friends. However, when it comes to the point, our self-confidence sometimes disappears somewhere: it is impossible to say, it is even worse to do, and the thoughts of “how I look” and “whether he likes” clash into my head. In general, it is very difficult to relax, the pleasure from sex turns out to be blurred or completely absent, and admitting that you are tense also does not come out. As a result, many people prefer to pretend that everything is okay, so as not to get upset once again and not to scare off the partner. Definitely enough to endure it, but where to start?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
Most of us had no chance to shape our ideas about sex based on real-life observations. Someone, of course, was “lucky,” and he might even have been watching parents making strange sounds in the night. Someone managed to spy on his older brother or sister. But nevertheless, these examples are rather rare and hardly influenced your ideas about what sex should look like. The real trend in this area, of course, set the movie. And it’s not so important what films we are talking about, be it a romantic story with a pair of perfect characters indulging in love on the ocean, or porn, in which the actors show amazing flexibility or the complete absence of a gag reflex. The truth is in one thing: the cinema sets the standards impossible, and unnecessary in real life, to which we nonetheless desperately strive.
Regardless of what exactly caused your excitement, whether it is self-doubt, shame, anxiety, guilt, scanty sexual experience - all this often comes down to two main problems that concern you. The first is a concern that you may not be satisfying your partner. The second is a frustration at the fact that you are not experiencing anything particularly pleasant, but do not want to upset him. You do not know how to show your dissatisfaction or tell your partner how to change the situation for the better and what you really want. And of course, all this is accompanied by attempts to draw in the stomach, turn around as a profitable side instead of comfortable, beautifully scatter hair over the pillow. In general, look like a movie. And in the end, we have two people trying to do something spectacularly, the pleasure of which, due to such tense circumstances, is rather difficult to get.
Often women miss a foreplay to prevent a partner from seeing cellulite or small breasts.
The most important way to avoid such situations of mutual misunderstanding (as well as many other problems) is to talk with each other. Paradoxical as it may sound, it’s much easier to start a frank conversation with a casual or at least new partner. If you have just met and no one owes anything to anyone, then even if something goes wrong, you can always go into the night and never meet again.
Moreover, if you start a relationship (even for one night) with a dialogue, this greatly reduces the chances that something will go wrong. Not necessarily sitting at the table to make a plan, who and what loves in sex. It is much more natural to direct and correct something already in the process, perhaps hinting about your fantasies and preferences in playful messages at night. Most importantly, you should never portray what you do not feel, and put up with what you absolutely do not want. If your partner basically does not want to admit that no means no, and not at all "maybe", then this is already a good reason to say goodbye to him once and for all.
Even if you are extremely shy, at least try to start with the phrases that "yes, I like that" or "that was good." Besides the fact that this will direct the partner in the right direction, moving in the right direction will give him confidence, and he, believe me, is likely to be as nervous as you are. Do not rush to get to the point, until you really feel excited. It seems that so much is said about the importance of foreplay that even children know about it. But often girls may try to miss this stage, if only because it is here that the partner has the opportunity to properly see cellulite, too small / large breasts, some scars - in general, something that you think is not your strongest side.
Here, of course, we are talking about the problems of accepting yourself the way you are in general. But if you have to say situationally: first, a person has already liked you, he is attracted to you - and this at least suggests that you are not a cow or a dinosaur at all. Yes, under the clothes we all look different than in clothes, and there may be surprises. But imagine that you are excited, and suddenly you are told: is it not too thin legs, a bulging belly, or a hairy chest? Perhaps, you did not even notice anything of the above before, or everything seemed quite normal to you - and here you are offered not to think about a pink elephant. Therefore, despite the recommendation to discuss what worries you, at this particular moment forget about it.
Even if you have been together for eight years and every time you are simulating an orgasm, it is still not too late to change something.
Do not concentrate on your imaginary flaws. Imagined at least because if for you, for example, the breast size is stereotypically significant, then the partner, perhaps, is the last thing to worry about. Maybe it is important for him that you have plump palms. Often it helps to defuse tensions and the share of humor. Since sex in real life can be somewhat awkward or at least inelegant, why not joke about it. The main thing is that the joke does not touch on potentially traumatic topics, otherwise, instead of a relaxed atmosphere, you can achieve even greater tension. Remember that not every sex should end with an orgasm. However, you, the girls, most likely, remember this, but it is also a good idea to bring this to the less knowledgeable side.
And last but not least: it may turn out that you are ready to talk, but there is nothing much to say to you. In the sense that you still do not know what you want or how to achieve it. Experiment. Perhaps for starters alone. If it does not frighten you, then together with your partner. In the end, the mere fact of studying oneself can become an interesting and unifying game.
And even if you have, for example, eight years together and every fifth (or first) time pretend to orgasm and do not carry tenderness, without which, it seemed to a partner, you cannot live - even then it is not too late to change something. If you find it hard to say directly that everything has always been wrong, say that you want to try something new, that you have new fantasies and needs. The main thing is that in the end you can feel comfortable in your own bed. And not in bed either.