Guest marriage: How it works and who chooses it
The Modern family no longer has a standard. The boundaries of the “norm” are gradually blurred, and the choice is no longer limited to the traditional model. And although many people continue to see sacred meaning in the words “traditional marriage”, not everyone thinks that this model suits them. We have already talked about how different partnerships can be, and now we have decided to talk in detail about the guest marriage.
Who is suitable guest marriage
In guest marriage, it is important that the partners do not have a common house or apartment, they meet periodically - visiting each other or on neutral territory. The frequency of meetings and the development of relations in general depend on the distance between partners: it can vary from a few steps between neighboring houses to long flights. Sometimes guest marriage can be the result of: distance between partners, frequent business trips, or hard work; in other cases, the guest format is an informed choice.
The popularity of this model is largely due to the fact that it allows partners to maintain relationships and live in different countries. But there are couples who choose the guest format, living in the same city: now the family ceases to be a "survival unit", that is, the economic need to live together, is gradually eliminated. For building intimate relationships, many don’t have to live together - but it’s worth remembering that guest marriage, despite seemingly “openness,” remains monogamous.
Famous couples choose it. For example, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton lived in neighboring houses for a long time, connected by an underground tunnel. Monica Bellucci's relationship with Vincent Cassel was built in the same way: for some time the partners lived in different countries.
Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton lived in neighboring houses for a long time, connected by an underground tunnel.
Family psychologist Daria Grosheva explains that the modern family is transforming: before the couple got married quite early, the divorce process was more complicated and was reproached by society: “Without a man, a woman turned out to be defenseless, so the question of marriage was very serious. and, by and large, they don’t need each other. That is, to be together today means just to enjoy the time spent together and to love each other. "
In such a situation, living together is necessary only if both partners want it. “I know examples of couples who have successfully lived in a guest marriage for many years, while having a separate budget. They, however, plan large purchases and a joint future,” says Daria Grosheva. In her opinion, this format of relationships is suitable for people who value personal space more. It can also be chosen by partners who have sufficient experience of different relationships. In many ways, guest marriage for them is the best way to keep the balance of meetings and partings.
Different spaces
Nadezhda, who has chosen the guest marriage format, says that she lived in Moscow with her parents, and her partner - in St. Petersburg with friends. When the girl decided to move to Petersburg, she realized that after living with her parents, she wanted a separate apartment and personal space. After some discussion, the couple decided that a separate life would be the best option for both. Played a role and the difference in graphics and rhythm of life. Hope works in an office, and her young man plays in a group. “The guest format for me is endless pluses, and the main one is the opportunity not to slip into domestic conflicts, not to argue because of dirty socks and the one who does the dishes, not to irritate the partner with his habits. problematic issues can be solved with a ten-minute conversation and hugs, but on the telephone for some reason, everything seems to be much more dramatic, "says the girl.
Now partners live forty minutes apart, meet three times during the working week and spend weekends together. They travel together and make general purchases, although they have a separate budget. The couple have been together for more than five years, and the guest marriage suits them completely. "I think this scenario is optimal until a child appears (by the way, we are not planning at all). We are good in this kind of relationship. Will we ever live together? Maybe if we have a big a house that has enough space for privacy, and staff who are able to help with solving everyday problems, "says Nadezhda.
Distance
Elena lives in Petersburg, and her partner is in Catania. They began to communicate on business issues, but in the end they began a romantic relationship that lasts for more than three years. Partners meet about once every three months and stay away from each other for no longer than three weeks: it is difficult for them to fall out of life for a longer period. As long as they live “with open skype” and support guest marriage, but they have a life together in their plans, Elena admits.
Guest marriage for a couple is a necessary measure, but with its advantages. One of the main ones is private space. "In general, we are not bad compatible in everyday life, but there are things that are annoying. On the other hand, the joy of the meeting allows us to perceive many unpleasant moments, especially domestic ones, without nervous tension," Elena shares her experience. In Europe, she continues, personal space and private life is a serious value, so that in moments of co-residence problems with personal boundaries do not arise for a couple. True, they have to go through the lapping stage almost every time.
Partners meet about once every three months and stay away from each other for no longer than three weeks; while they live "with open skype"
"In the format of a guest marriage, personal communication is always a holiday. The lifestyle itself changes for the time of our meetings: we indulge each other, constantly give each other signs of attention, have dinner in good restaurants more often than separately - there is a feeling of celebration or vacation. More One pleasant bonus of guest relations is the absence of the notorious “dirty socks.” We don’t have time to bother each other: it reminds me of a prolonged period of falling in love, but with a certain amount of stability, ”says Elena.
At the same time, the girl says that such relationships sometimes seem purely declarative to her - formally, they exist, but at the level of daily sensations are invisible: "As a result, you have all the obligations of a permanent partnership, but very few bonuses: but no one is to blame - these are the circumstances. " With the advent of the child, the feeling only intensified. “With the birth of a baby, the balance in a pair always changes: gender stereotypes and biologically determined things are also felt here. In our situation, when a husband sees our life mainly through Skype, these moments become aggravated,” says Elena. in the Russian reality, everything connected with children is sacred, and the mother ceases to be a social unit: culture requires you to give up your interests. It’s hard to cope with this without regular help from a partner. High degree of uncertainty, and this is uncomfortable. But I am learning to be independent and live with flexible plans, not to adjust my professional life to a relationship. "
Rhythms
By guest marriage partners can push not only distance but also lifestyle: for example, the curator and art critic Lisa Savina had a partner from Moscow, and she chose the guest marriage model rather because of the dynamic rhythm of life and work. “I live as a sea captain - I don’t linger in the city for more than a few days. In such a situation, it’s not very important for me where exactly the person lives. , I can still stop with him, "- says Lisa. She believes that the traditional family is possible when partners meet at the age of twenty: “they look in one direction” and are formed together as a “single organism”. At forty, it is already difficult to adapt to another person: everyone has their own habits.
"Many women now go to guest marriages, and even if they live with their husband, they are constantly on business trips. Now I don’t imagine life with another person if our lifestyle doesn’t coincide: when a person leads a sedentary lifestyle, and you always movement is unlikely to be comfortable. Besides, personal space is important for me, I like to be alone, especially in the morning: living together in such a case is possible only in a big house, where you can go to different rooms, "Lisa explains.
She sees the guest marriage model as a temporary one, and sees its main problem in the emotional dependence between partners - as relations develop, it usually gets stronger. “Sooner or later, one of the partners or both will begin to strive for global unification. The hormonal background of the love period requires the constant presence of an object of love, so guest marriage is more a pragmatic structure,” Lisa believes.
Photo: Jakub Krechowicz - stock.adobe.com, vvoe - stock.adobe.com, Lucocattani - stock.adobe.com
