Checklist: 7 Signs That You Have More Friends Than It Seems
Alexandra Savina
It is unlikely that anyone will deny that in our culture Romantic relations are considered to be much more important than friendships - because of what we talk a lot about the quality of the first and sometimes forget to look at the second. We have already told you when it is worth considering whether everything is in order with your friendship and whether you need this relationship in principle, but now you have decided to deal with another situation - when it seems that there is reason to worry, but in fact nothing terrible happens (Of course, provided that everyone in the relationship is comfortable). Remember that there are no universal recipes and what is acceptable for some may be quite unpleasant to others - be guided primarily by your own feelings and those of your friends.
1
You are not seen as often as before
Friendship in childhood and in college years is very different from relationships in adulthood: the opportunity to spend days and nights together is gone, everyone has their own business, plans and responsibilities that cannot be left for a long walk around the city or going to the movies. Thanks to social networks, it becomes clear how much time we actually spend separately and how much of everything in the life of friends now happens without our participation: any mark on someone else's Facebook reminds you that you could be there too.
But in order for a friendship to remain strong, you don’t have to see each other every day - for the time spent separately, you will surely have time to get bored, and you will have something to discuss. The fact that friends go somewhere without you is also not a reason to worry - unless you feel that you are deliberately excluded from important events.
2
You do not agree on all matters.
Everybody knows how important it is in partnerships to coincide in views on global issues: in a pair, where one wants to live in a big city and build a career, and the second - to fish in a small European village, both will not be easy. With friendship is less clear. Of course, if the views of a friend strongly contradict yours, you cannot close your eyes to this, and each meeting turns into a fierce dispute, it is easier not to put up with what is happening and to minimize communication.
But there are other cases: for example, if your girlfriend dreams about three children, and you are a convinced childfree, nothing prevents you from communicating on other topics and supporting each other in the decisions made. There is no unequivocal answer, but it is worth assessing what outweighs - what is important is in your relationship, and the joint past or contradictions in important issues.
3
Your friends are not friends with your partner.
Pop culture constantly reminds us of the image of “ideal” relationships: it is believed that partners should share not only all interests and hobbies, but also friends - how much a partner fits into your social circle determines how much you and each other come on.
In reality, much more nuances. Of course, if the partner does not at all agree with any of your friends, and those, in turn, flatly refuse to meet with each of your new boyfriend, there is reason to think. But this does not mean that you can not meet with any of the friends separately, without a partner. The main thing is for each of the parties to respect the other: the partner accepted your friends, and the friends respect your choice, even if their ideas about personal life differ greatly from yours (if, of course, this is not about the issue and the threat to life and health, we hope this is not your case).
4
They can say something that will upset you
Even if you completely coincide with your friends in your views on important issues, from time to time you may disagree with each other - and there is nothing to worry about. In any close relationship, honesty is important - it can mean that sometimes you can hear something from your friends that will be unpleasant.
The main thing to remember is how constructive criticism differs from uninvited comments, self-affirmation at the expense of others, and personal transitions. If a friend constantly scolds everything that you do and think, regardless of whether you asked for his opinion in this situation or not, this is at least a reason for a serious conversation. You can not fundamentally coincide in the views, but none of you have the right to dictate to others how to live and how to act in this or that situation.
5
You do not share with each other
Friendship is very different: what you are willing to tell one friends, you may not want to tell others. This does not necessarily depend on the duration of the acquaintance and the degree of closeness: similar to our experience and views may be found in non-obvious people.
Of course, finding out that a friend did not tell you about something that others know is insulting. But this does not mean that you need to take it personally or that something is “wrong” with your friendship: each of us has the right to open up to others as much as it is comfortable. “Different people have different ideas about their personal space - about what they are willing to share and how much they want to come closer to other people,” says PhD and relationship specialist Irene Levine. If you regularly communicate, learn from each other, how are you, and are aware of the main events in each other's life, there is probably no reason for excitement. Friendship can take different forms, and because you communicate with one person on one topic, and with another into another, relationships do not become less “valuable”.
6
You are no longer in first place in each other's life.
Alas, with age, friendships begin to occupy less space in our lives than before: a partner, children, work and other important things occupy the space we used to give to friends. Any friendships go through different stages: then you move away from each other and see less often, then you become closer again. But all this does not mean that friendship will automatically survive any crisis: it will have to work seriously on it, as on any other relationship.
“Do not expect friendships to support themselves,” says Irene Levine. “Yes, you can continue to communicate with good friends as if nothing had happened for a long time before seeing each other. But friendship will not necessarily last forever - but about relationships that are important to you, you need to take care - to spend time with a person and make efforts. " In general, the main thing - diligence.
7
You do not keep "account"
Ideally, in friendship, as in any other relationship, two should be invested: today they help and support you, and tomorrow you answer the same. At the same time, of course, “keeping the score” is at least strange: the calculations, who, to whom and how much helped, turn the help itself into an artificial construction. If it so happens that one of you helps the other more, there is nothing to worry about: circumstances are different and one help may be much more necessary than the other (for example, if your friend lost his job or someone of his family was seriously ill). The main thing is that emotional work and support in your relationship does not fall on the shoulders of one person: if a person communicates with another, only when he needs attention, support or help, this is not very similar to friendship.
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