"I would be forever bored mother": Childfree girls about their choice
SEXUAL REVOLUTION, feminism and the development of contraception allowed women to decide for themselves when to give birth and whether to give birth at all. Nevertheless, many still consider rejection of children as “egoism” or a trauma that prevents a woman from living a “normal” life. We have already talked about the ideology of childfree, and now we talked with several heroines about why they chose conscious childlessness.
I live separately from my parents, and every time we meet, my mother starts talking about children. My requests not to raise this topic are ignored. The argument is the same: children are the best in a woman’s life. At the same time, the memories of my own childhood are constant reproaches, irritation and cry. Can a person who makes you happy annoy you all the time?
My relationship with my parents was generally mixed. I was a planned and long-awaited child and was not harmful or capricious. But I do not remember my mother saying that she loves me, hugged me or praised me for success. I seemed to know that they love me and take care of me, but at the same time I felt the detachment of my father and the discontent of my mother. Each parent dreams of bringing a new Mozart, Marie Curie or at least a small copy to the world, and eventually gets a completely new person, with his own advantages and disadvantages, often without special talents or abilities, perhaps with a difficult character and unexpected outlook on life.
My current relationship with my parents, especially with my mother, is strained - not least because of my position on childbearing. I can understand parents, because they want grandchildren, and I - the only child in the family. But I see no reason to break myself to please their desires. Yes, I am the very child who became a disappointment for his parents. Therefore, I do not believe that children necessarily bring joy to the family. I do not understand why lie and pretend that this is so.
I just do not like children. I know girls who love children are touched by them, but I have never had such a thing. I began to dislike children, especially infants, when I was a child, about six or seven years old. I never dreamed of a younger brother or sister - on the contrary, this prospect frightened me: I did not want to mess with a small child and live in the same house with him. When I was eight, my cousin had a son. Visiting him was a real torture. From me, as from a girl, they expected that I would be touched by the baby, and tried to impose communication with him on me, but apart from irritation I did not feel anything. In adolescence, this topic faded into the background, because I was busy with school, painting, my dreams and plans. And finally I accepted myself as a childfrey after twenty, when I realized that I was not obliged to live “like everyone else” and I have the right to build my life in harmony with my own ideas.
Parenthood, like any other activity, be it playing the flute or doing bookkeeping, requires talent. To be a good parent, you must be involved in the affairs of the child, be interested in his world and love everything connected with it. At one time I worked as a nanny, looking out for a five-year-old girl. I was weary of boredom. A ten-year-old son of a colleague sometimes comes to work with me, and I happily communicate with him. But even communicating with an intelligent and polite child after a while you get tired - and I am aware that with my own child it would be the same. And I’m also very immersed in myself, so I often do not pay attention to other people - but you can’t treat a child like that. In a word, I would be an inattentive and eternally bored mother.
I met my only man, my future husband, at eighteen. I was just very lucky: our views on children coincided. Yes, at nineteen-twenty, we jokingly discussed what our children would be. And when they got married, they just realized that we are well together.
Parents worked on a rotational basis and at home were a month after a month. At the time of their absence, I did not even stay with my grandmothers or other relatives, but with whom I would succeed. I thought for a long time that I had an unhappy childhood, but recently I realized that Mom and Dad always loved me, supported the strangest of my ideas, pampered moderately, allowed me to be themselves, never impose their decisions. I am very grateful to them and love them very much.
So I have no traumatic experience. I just never wanted kids. When everyone was playing with dolls, I was more fascinated by the designer, and I am glad that no one imposed stereotypes on me. I am not a childheater, I like the children of my girlfriend, but in very moderate "doses." But I do not understand how you can love children "in general". It's like loving people "in general" - they are all different.
In my environment, almost no one has children. Probably, I consciously choose such friends and partners who so far do not want to become parents. At the same time, my former men adored their nephews, the children of my girlfriends, and it seemed to be mutual. We parted for various reasons, but never because of the children.
I do not exclude that someday I may have children. I'm twenty-seven, and if I want to give birth in ten years, there may be problems. Therefore, I seriously think to freeze the eggs, so as to insure from a biological point of view, if the children still want it. But now I like to live without them.
My childfrey-position goes back to childhood: everyone played "in the family", and I - "in the work." My priority has always been self-realization. My parents always treated me like an adult, gave me a good education, supported every bold idea.
I was married to the usual "good guy," but I had to take care of him: wash, clean, entertain him - and this is not for me. I have always perceived the family as a burden that takes too much time and at the same time gives a very dubious pleasure. I would even say that it does not bring it at all. Now I have a boyfriend, but by occupation, we live separately for six months. Together we have an affiliate. In my coordinate system, our relationship is far from the first place. I do not exclude that he wants to "continue the race," and I will not in any way interfere with this: he has the same choice as I do.
I am a photographer, I love to play with children, make them happier and happier, invent stories, arrange holidays. But when the holiday is over, my studio, my business and my free time are waiting for me, which I dedicate to creativity in its entirety. It's all about priorities. Someone wants to nurse their children and husband. I nurses my business and my clients. In order to develop a business or raise a child, first of all, desire. In the second - you need to invest in the process time, effort, money, and most importantly - to love what is happening, and then the result will please. Everything that concerns the upbringing of children is not interesting for me - just like gardening, for example. I will never start a garden, I have to take care of him with love, just like children.
Often married couples with children do not understand my point of view and try to impose their own. But people who have opted for children have no right to condemn those who are not ready for such a colossal responsibility. For me, childfrey is when you realize that you do not want to give birth to a child, since you have nothing to give him: nobody in this union will be happy. Not all mothers are happy. According to my observations, every third or fourth woman would like to return everything back and make a different choice.
I became childfree not because of childhood injuries: I have wonderful loving parents. My beliefs are not connected with personal comfort: I often and willingly help people, sometimes to the detriment of myself. It is simply unacceptable for me to have my own children, because I consider it unethical to bring into this world another conscious being who will suffer here. After all, our life consists mainly of suffering: almost always we have some problems, and even if they can be solved, it takes a lot of energy. Forces to enjoy life simply does not remain. Half of my friends have chronic depression - and this is in Europe, where I have been living for the past five years. But there are places where war is going on or people are starving. And wherever we are born, disease and death are waiting for all of us without exception. It would be unbearable for me to think that it was I who made the child suffer.
It seems to me an absurd idea to have children to make them happy. I have no goal at all to make someone happy. It is quite possible to provide good starting conditions in life, learn how to cope with difficulties, and share personal experience. But a happy person can only be himself. I can not imagine how to explain to the child that I gave birth to him, so that he died one fine day. I adhere to this position from the age of sixteen and is unlikely to change it.
I was married, and the desire to have a baby did not arise. And even if it appeared, I would not have done it, because for me it is ethically unacceptable, like cannibalism or incest. Now I am dating a girl. She has not yet decided whether she wants to have a child, and I do not press her. She knows that it is unacceptable for me to have biological children - probably, too, so far everything suits her. In general, I do not believe in love to the grave and the joint upbringing of children - too many around the examples of broken families and single parents. I understand that at any moment I can be alone with the child, so I consider adoption, focusing not on my current partner, but rather on my own desires and possibilities.
Children do not annoy me, although I try to avoid very young ones. I hate to be close to helpless creatures who do not really speak and walk under themselves. I do not understand why they are considered cute. But I would like to adopt an older child - of course, after going through the courses and gaining some experience working with children. Perhaps in the process of learning I will understand that this is not mine and I do not need it - but if everything goes well and the adoption committee approves me, I will look for a child not younger than three years old.
It seems to me unfair that the requirements for adoptive parents are unrealistic, and anyone can give birth. It would be great if the children were brought up by professional teachers. After all, amateurs do not pilot airplanes and do not perform surgery. And children quite often are raised not just by amateurs, but by people who are completely unsuitable for this.
Photo: by-studio - stock.adobe.com, Hobbycraft