“You are angry with fat”: Why change for the better is also a test
Moved from a small town to a big one full of possibilities. Began to earn more money. Changed tedious work on an interesting and promising. I bought a car or moved into an apartment more spaciously. All this would seem to be reasons for joy - but for some reason we do not always immediately feel delight when changes in life happen for the better. Many at this moment admit that they do not feel anything or are experiencing havoc, sadness and other, quite sad feelings. We understand why we can feel worse when life seems to have improved, and what can be done about it.
Text: Yana Shagova
"New Territory" of life
To begin with, any changes are stress and challenge, even if they lead to what we wanted. And the bigger and sharper they are, the more overload our psyche experiences. Take the move from a small town to a big one. Suppose even that you immediately have a good job and housing in a new place and that the move was desirable. But you have to get used to everything again: to noise, to a huge number of people, to other methods of communication. We'll have to learn to navigate the transport system, develop new household habits, develop new areas and streets.
There is no change without loss. During the same move, we lose a lot of things: the ability to quickly navigate (we are surrounded by new terrain), all the usual nooks and yards, a favorite bench in the park and favorite walking routes, the usual view from the window. In principle, any changes can be compared with the move: we are “moving” to a new life, to a new, undeveloped territory, and with it we are losing the old one. Therefore, one can never say that change brings only joy - even if it is a long-planned and desired change for the better. The loss of the habitual is a real loss, and we will experience it like any loss: grieve, remember, be angry and sometimes even regret the decision made.
Who am I?
Each of us forms our own identity, defining ourselves, for example, through origin, family, profession, nationality, orientation, lifestyle, or something else. For many, it is the way of life that matters - especially considering how our world is focused on success, consumption and achievement. But even with all the “success indicators” increasing, a change of identity can be a serious and difficult process.
For example, we used to think of ourselves as a bona fide and hardworking person with a modest salary. And here we have received increase, and the income has essentially grown - and now it is necessary to find some new self-determination. And even if we continue to earn money with our work, we can still feel uncomfortable from time to time, subconsciously believing that it is not too decent for an honest person to be wealthy.
Growing up young people often grieve because they cannot spend time with friends as often as they did in their student years. And it's not just that the need for communication is not being satisfied - it may very well be that communication at work and with a partner is enough. And not that a person still wants to have parties twice a week until the morning - all this may well become not as attractive as before. The fact is that at this moment the idea of oneself as a sociable man and a true friend breaks down. There are doubts: if I am not the soul of the company, suddenly I'm a “boring careerist” or “boring family man”? We have to think about how to form a new positive idea of what has changed or what has changed.
Forming a new identity is not a quick process, and losing old ideas about yourself can be quite painful. Therefore, at the beginning of some stages of life - marriage, going to work, having a child, increasing wealth - a person may feel confused, bad and guilty, or think that he seems to have lost something.
"We were always like this"
Identity is not only personal, but also family: "We are such a family." For example, "we earn a little, but honestly"; or "proud and never ask for debt"; or "educated people engaged in intellectual work"; or, on the contrary, "hard-working, and not a bit crazy." And if a change for the better in your life suddenly goes against the identity of the family, this can cause conflicts and the most real dramas.
It would seem that there was more money, moved from a small town to a big one, found a dream job, went on a trip - great! The family can only be glad for you. In fact, it is often not so easy. "I told my family that I went to learn Spanish, which I always dreamed of. And my mother got angry:„ Spend extra money on nonsense! You know English, and it’s enough, you’d rather start saving money for an apartment! ”"; “My father doesn’t understand why I spend money on taxis when there are subways and trolley buses in Moscow. I earn enough, I help my parents, and I don’t like his conviction. Why should I justify myself in general for my lifestyle?”; “My grandmother believes that idlers who are not adapted to work live in the cities. And when I moved there from our village, she began to say that now I will become“ spoiled ”and“ spoiled ”"; “Mom does not understand why I chose a career as a makeup artist. She believes that“ working with hands ”is a shame, and is embarrassed to tell relatives what I am doing now.”
Such stories can be heard from young people who decided to "break" the order established in the family. Sometimes even financial aid to relatives as if does not compensate for the older generation that family identity is violated. By accepting help or approving success - a diploma of higher education, a new job, and so on - they continue to reproach grown children for changing their habitual way of life. In the eyes of parents and grandparents, the new rules look almost like a betrayal: "We have lived like this for generations, and you don’t appreciate it."
In Russia, this problem is particularly acute: the more traumatized society is, the more disasters (wars, repressions, periods of famine, and so on) have survived the last generations, the more inflexible it becomes. And a person who “swings” at a new life experiences additional stress due to the pressure and misunderstanding of the family.
Other social circle
Any change in lifestyle in one way or another changes the environment. When a person’s income grows, his leisure time changes: for example, now you can afford to go and go to those places you could not. Not all friends can go there with you, and not everyone will be allowed to pay for them. A job change is often a change of schedule and mode. The same can be said about the birth of a child, moving to another area, the appearance of a partner with a person who has been alone for a long time. There is less time and resources for previous contacts, interests and ideas about acceptable and usual change: for example, young childless people can come home from a bar at five in the morning, but young parents can not always decide on this spontaneously.
Of course, this is most often solved by new rituals and rules - and if relationships with friends and acquaintances are built on mutual sympathy and common interests, there is a chance that they will continue, regardless of the changes. But some contacts, alas, will inevitably fall away: some friends may not be happy with your success or simply not be able to adjust to you, and with someone, interests and ways will completely diverge. Of course, this is sad: you cannot turn back, but old relationships and friendship can be very pitiful.
Anxiety or mourning
Paradoxically, improving living conditions can increase anxiety in people who used to live under constant stress. For a person who has lived for a long time in difficult conditions (for example, in a family with a relative with alcohol dependence, where someone beat him, where he constantly lacked money, food, and so on), the catastrophe becomes habitual. Any calm is perceived as a small "respite" before the next misfortunes. And when the respite is delayed, it is alarming - because now something bad should happen. Well, when is it already? When? This anxiety is so unbearable that sometimes a person begins to create "deteriorated" living conditions for himself: to miss deadlines, do everything at the last moment, take more cases and obligations than he can fulfill, until the last one not go to doctors and so on.
And very often, life improvement triggers deferred mourning. A person who has lived for many years in unbearable conditions finds himself in a better situation and realizes how terrible his former existence was. And if earlier she or he could not afford to feel sorry for themselves or be angry with those who caused harm and pain, now all these feelings fall on the person. From the outside, it may look as if a person is "furious with fat," it is unclear how dissatisfied: "What are you saying, life has improved!" But feelings over the past years remained and require some kind of permission.
How to take care of yourself
To get used to the new life, you need a lot of time. It is worth giving it to yourself and not rushing your own feelings. It is important to understand that everything is all right with you: if you don’t rejoice at the desired new housing, dream job, wedding with your loved one, increase your income or have mixed feelings about all these joyful events and changes, this is absolutely normal. Remember that even with the most desirable changes we lose something old. Therefore, grieving, bored, doubting or being dissatisfied with something in the order of things.
Remember that any change is stressful, and give yourself time to adapt. Yes, it takes time to get used to the pleasant and joyful, no matter how strange it sounds. Do not demand from yourself over-achievements in the first months. If your income has doubled, rejoice, but don’t try to catch up on everything lost in the past years: don’t grab at all repairs, trips, expensive purchases and paid training courses at the same time. If you have changed a specialty and have become successful in it, do not immediately try to become a super professional, do not scream and do not take more orders and projects than you can pull. The desire to grab everything good is immediately very clear, but try to move a little bit.
Think about the details of the past or what you miss from the old way of life and can you recreate it now. For example, once in a couple of weeks, go to the park in the old district and sit there on your favorite bench, or find a coffee shop that looks like your favorite one. Do not be surprised and do not be alarmed if you find that you miss strange and not so pleasant things. And if necessary, think about how they can be replaced if they were destructive. For example, if as a teenager you liked to walk in “dangerous” areas, you can try extreme sports or trekking - so that all the difficulties that you encounter are controlled.
In the book "Peering into the sun: life without fear of death," Irvin Yalom described his client, a 52-year-old nurse who grew up in Harlem, and in her youth had taken drugs for several years and had sex work. This woman admitted that sometimes she was nostalgic about life on the streets: "Life was very simple, day after day it was all the same: you just had to survive." Of course, this does not mean that the heroine and people who have such feelings would really like to return to the hell that was experienced. It’s just that our psyche is arranged: sometimes we miss the certainty of the old life, even if it was very hard.
Praise yourself - a lot and in detail. Often people instead of rejoicing for themselves, immediately raise the bar of demands. This can happen in any sphere: got a new job - you need to immediately become the coolest in the department, found a couple - now you need to make the relationship perfect, and so on. Do not drive yourself - better give yourself time to feel the pleasure of new work, new relationships, new opportunities.
Think or even write a list of what you did to change your life. Even if what happened seems like simple luck, you will most likely find that you have tried very hard. For example, it seems that the fact that you met and met your current partner is pure luck. But if you think about it, in the past you learned how to build relationships, ventured out of those that did not suit you, experienced failure, tried to become a more accepting, sensitive and contact person, or gave yourself time to live without relationships and get to know yourself better. All this plays a role in the fact that the current relationship has developed - even if you are really very lucky with a partner.
Praising and supporting yourself is very helpful. First, it makes life more calm and comfortable, helping us to adapt to change. Secondly, we feel like a good person, worthy of a good life. This helps to cope with feelings of guilt in cases where the family or our environment try to impose it or when we ourselves feel that our success is not deserved. In addition, in this way we learn and reveal our strengths better and understand what winning strategies have led us to positive changes. They are all very individual, and it is useful to know them in order to rely on them in the future.
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