So it is accepted: Different people about why modern couples marry
We are used to treating marriage as something very traditional., but in fact it has changed beyond recognition even over the last hundred years: if before family life could not be imagined without a wedding in the church, and divorce was something unthinkable, now many in principle do not want to register the relationship officially. We talked with several heroines and a hero about what marriage is in our time and whether it is necessary now, in principle, to formalize a relationship legally.
My husband and I live together for a little over four years, almost immediately he made me an offer, but we got married only two years ago: first, circumstances unfortunately did not work in our favor, but then it was just too lazy to get to the registry office. But one day, at the wedding of our friends, we suddenly decided to take advantage of the opportunity and filed an application. We wanted to arrange a very simple, comfortable and spiritual holiday without space spending, but even with such initial data, the organization process has exhausted me terribly, and a couple of times I firmly thought: why is this all necessary? They would have lived quietly and without further stamps and nervous shocks. But the wedding ended up with a wonderful, more like a crowded barbecue with a night fire and choral singing with a guitar. It turned out a real celebration for ourselves, our loved ones and friends.
I believe that for many today, a wedding is a certain stage in a relationship, not an obligatory, but a familiar and understandable way to affirm your love. The stamp in the passport, alas, does not guarantee a long and happy family life, and does not change anything in essence. But it's hard to imagine how I would feel now, if we never got to the registry office. Probably, after all, she would have experienced some inaccuracy in our relations.
We meet four and a half years, of which almost three live together. We have a child, partly a general budget, and in conversations with Russian-speaking people, I most often call Mandela a husband - the word “partner” refers too much to business, and I do not find other adequate terms. In Spain, where we live, we are considered a so-called stable couple - this means that we have all the same rights as a couple in a marriage. We can jointly file a tax return, for example. Unlike Russia, there are no problems with visiting each other in the hospital - fortunately, we were only in the hospital for a pleasant occasion when our son was born.
Nevertheless, we are planning to arrange a marriage, even the date is already known - the second of November. We started collecting documents in November last year - for two foreigners from different countries it is difficult and long. We went to this for one reason only: official marriage will allow me to quickly acquire Spanish citizenship. My fiance lives here for a very long time and has already applied for citizenship - and after a year married to a Spaniard, I can do it too. Otherwise, just by age of residence, to submit the documents will turn out only in 2024 - in general, a marriage of five years should save.
In general, I believe that the meaning of marriage now is in solving legal issues. If he is needed to solve visa or similar problems, then there is nothing to think about, we must get married. But to solve the question of dislike for each other or “to prove that love is real” marriage, it seems, is not strong enough - this is just a bureaucratic act. You can be officially married and not be a family - or vice versa. I am indifferent to weddings, dresses and other accessories that accompany a marriage, like rings. My parents have been married for thirty-seven years and adore each other - but mom, for example, hasn’t been wearing a wedding ring for a long time, simply because it’s old-fashioned, and she loves other jewelery.
With the cute-only we have been together for almost four years. It all started is banal - on the Internet (on a local and very crowded dating site), a week later he introduced me to his parents, and a week later he moved to me. And it began to turn: moving to a bigger apartment, changing jobs, getting to know all the friends from both sides, traveling, and other exciting events. And even later - the birth of the long-awaited planned child. We did not register a marriage: first there is no time, then there is no need. Although from time to time this question is raised by relatives (if our parents have a joke, not only the same names and age, but also indestructible marriages, the duration of which is half a century, divorce-betrayal-betrayals never existed in our families), and sometimes a loved one worries ( "Maybe all the same? ..."). I am extremely calm: for me at the moment there is no argument in favor of the stamp in the passport.
My question is "why?" I can’t get a clear answer, except for “so accepted” and “in a human way”. In the Internet discussions, strong supporters of official registration cite three main arguments: 1) division of property during a divorce; 2) resuscitation; 3) prison. So-so prospects, to be honest. Plus, a special argument is a beautiful wedding (often - it doesn't even matter with whom). They also mention "if you lose love - it is easier to keep it this way."
If we talk on all these points - it so happened that I don’t need to solve material problems with my husband’s help: we live in my apartment, and after the birth of a child, due to circumstances, they sent a dad to the decree, not my mother’s decree - I returned to work through one and a half months after delivery. At the same time, I work remotely from home - well, that is, the whole family is still assembled, but dad solves everyday everyday issues more often: my working day with all the flexibility and convenience remains a working day. About resuscitation and prison - the scale of contractual relations in our country makes it possible to circumvent more serious restrictions. About a beautiful wedding - we, firstly, by today's standards are already too old for this, secondly, quiet and secretive - we do not even have accounts in social networks. Well, what about “keeping” a person next to you, if he dislikes me, - again, why? This is a mutual torment.
Documentary and bureaucratic support of our life together is not only no more difficult, but, on the contrary, more convenient in some matters. A "confirmation of love and seriousness of intentions" for me is not expressed in the stamp in the passport, but, for example, the fact that every day the husband carries night watches with the baby (as well as feeding, walking, etc. - it’s not a problem for him to stay for a few days alone with the child, if necessary) and lets me into the kitchen in order to feed them with the dishes prepared by him. Apart from other everyday manifestations of love and concern for each other.
I do not feel any embarrassment when filling out questionnaires or saying “not married” in conversations (a loved one always says “married” about herself), although we wear rings (we wanted to spend money donated for birthdays) and call each other “husband” and “wife "- yes, yes, of course," no you are not husband and wife, but cohabitants !!! ", I will say more - we also call each other" bunnies-suns ", although in fact we do not belong to the unit of hares or to stars - yellow dwarfs, but only homo sapiens.
In any case, we are for love. For some, it is impossible outside of official marriage, for someone like us, the actual is enough - everyone has their own circumstances. Perhaps ours will change one day, but it seems to me that it is better to marry after twenty years of strong life together, if you want, than read oaths in eternal love and roll up a celebration with a swing to infinity - and get divorced without having had time to pay the loan for it.
We have been living together for four years, but have not yet gotten married, although I made the offer quite a long time ago. All the time, it’s impossible to find the right moment to allocate enough time for a long carefree honeymoon (if this is possible at all). But now it seems they have decided and set a seemingly realistic time limit for themselves.
Marriage, I think, is another step to get closer to each other in a relationship. He is not the most important, but he stands in a number of important steps, such as acquaintance, first date, first kiss, first intimacy, moving under one roof, acquaintance with parents, first joint journey, birth of a child, building a house (I don’t insist on this order and the exhaustive list completeness - each has its own set of important milestones). At the same time, I fully admit that someone can do without formalizing the relationship, finding his own explanation for this. Each couple finds joint happiness in their own way.
Honestly, I did not plan to get married, especially so early. But two and a half years ago, something went wrong. A few days before February 14, a friend threw off to me the news that on that day they would be painting everyone. And I sent it to my boyfriend. At that time, Gleb and I met for about half a year, but we didn’t talk about relationships, feelings, etc. at all. We were so cool. Gleb jokingly wrote that we could sign, but, unfortunately, on this day he will not be in Moscow. I was against this option. Then he began to send a completely stupid pictures on the theme "you broke my heart." I was pretty quickly bored with images of unhappy men, so I said something like, “Okay, let's get married,” hoping that he would refuse. But Gleb agreed.
Then he left for a week, and we no longer raised this topic. Until we went to the Monasterio party in Space Moscow. There, under the set of Chris Libing, Gleb said that he loved me and wanted the joke to become a reality. I realized that I want the same. In May, we began to live together, and in August we got married. Just went to the registry office at home, put their signatures, bought a crazy awkward video of the ceremony and flew to Kaliningrad. Of course, our parents were shocked. But not because we got married so quickly (my mother, it seems, became less worried about me), but because there was no white dress, a luxurious feast with a toastmaster, strange competitions and other wedding attributes.
I can not say that the stamp in the passport has changed something for me. Unless I stopped subconsciously looking for someone else and felt more confident. I want to spend my whole life with Gleb, but at the same time I have no illusions about the inviolability of marriage. My parents divorced when I was six years old.
Usually people are surprised when they find out that I am married. Some even think that I just call my boyfriend a husband. Quite often the question reads in your eyes: "You are so young, why do you need this?" There is a lot of talk about pressure on unmarried women - and I think that raising such topics is super correct - but, unfortunately, there is not a word about discrimination against those who started a family early.
It seems to me that everyone has the right to choose which relationship to enter into: to marry or not, to have children or to be childfree, to love men, women or transgender people. Yes, in legal terms, marriage gives certain advantages, but this does not mean that everyone is obliged to marry. Love and relationships should not concern anyone except the partners themselves.
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