“I hide the fact that I am from the Caucasus and that I am gay”: Geography of Russian homophobia

On April 1, Novaya Gazeta published a shocking investigation, According to which in the Republic of Chechnya, LGBT people are massively detained and even killed. According to the newspaper, at least three people died because of the persecution. The authorities of the republic were quick to respond to this information. Member of the Human Rights Council under the head of Chechnya, Kheda Saratova, said she would not even consider a statement about the murder of an LGBT representative: “gays are worse than war”, and the authorities would understand the killing of a homosexual by his relatives. A spokesman for Ramzan Kadyrov, Alvi Karimov, said that there are no gays in the republic, but there are only "healthy men who lead a healthy lifestyle and play sports, with an orientation determined from the moment of man's creation." In turn, the Russian LGBT Network has already declared its readiness to evacuate homosexuals from Chechnya, and also has organized a hotline for help.

We talked with LGBT representatives from different cities of Russia and learned how powerful the community lives alongside Orthodox activism, where you can't go on a date without looking around, and in which republics you can pay with your life for your homosexuality.

I realized that I was a bisexual at 24, as it seems to me, quite late. I had no internal conflict on this score. I just realized that I was attracted not only men, but also women. At that time, I had already moved to Georgia, but my relatives remained in Dagestan.

Once I told my mother that I would not marry because I was bisexual. She replied in the spirit: "Well, you fool!" Apparently, she thought it was just a joke. Perhaps the fact is that by this time I had already been married and had a child. In general, I think, if I tell my relatives about this, they would rather not believe me in a trite manner. Well, okay, they know less - sleep better. And I don’t hide anything for my friends for a long time.

I know only one girl from Dagestan (just because I subscribe to her on social networks), who openly speaks about her homosexuality. But this is literally the only case, usually such things are shared only with the closest circle of friends. There is no full-fledged LGBT community or any specialized organization in the republic, but there are small parties. People actively communicate on the Internet, someone even lives with each other. I think that compared with Chechnya in Dagestan, the degree of homosexual hatred is much lower. But, naturally, when it comes to gay parades, everyone speaks very aggressively.

I realized my orientation when I went to school, and at first nothing seemed to change. I did not attach any importance to this and did not ask questions. Then the situation changed. When everyone is heterosexual and condemns homosexuality, and there are no people around who are ready to respond and help, you begin to get used to the fact that you are like some kind of abnormal. I hated myself for a long time, I even wanted to commit suicide. But then I met my first boyfriend, and despite the fact that we were not together for long, I stopped hating myself.

I am familiar with other gay guys in the area. Among them, someone lives openly, but most, of course, are hiding, because they can lose family and friends. In Kurgan we are afraid to meet new people, constantly waiting for the bases. Rare meetings do not particularly prepare you for relationships, but end with one-time sex. There are people who have created same-sex families, but even they are forced to hide. Kurgan is a dark place without activists and the LGBT community. Many young people who refuse to hide have lost their families and are forced to wander through rented apartments, poor work and even engage in prostitution. I believe in what is happening in Chechnya, my distant relatives lived there and talked about hostility towards others.

I realized my homosexuality at the age of eleven, and in principle it was already clear then that it was better to hide it. I tried to integrate into Dagestan society and follow its traditions, so as not to put myself at risk. I have never felt the presence of the LGBT community. There was a feeling that everyone communicated only on the Internet. At 22-23 years old, I started to get acquainted with men on the Internet, then I still had to go to an Internet cafe. But, of course, it was rarely possible to meet with someone, just for security reasons.

Attitudes towards homosexuals in Dagestan are extremely aggressive, and this is noticeable not only in words. Sometimes it is not even necessary to live in the republic in order to be beaten up or even killed for orientation. Some of the guys who moved to other regions were invited to relatives in Dagestan under some kind of innocent excuse - for example, to a wedding. And when they came, they beat or even killed them. A very common idea that gay is a shame for a family.

Personally, I was born in a so-called liberal family by Caucasian standards. What is called, mother is a teacher, father is a doctor. But even with a decent education, my parents would never accept my homosexuality. Too much pressure from local traditions even on seemingly adequate people. This is very sad, because sometimes I really want to come to Dagestan to see my mother and sisters.

Many homosexual Caucasians enter into fake marriages with partners they have found on the Internet. I have two such acquaintances - a boy and a girl. This is a good way to hide orientation from tribesmen and relatives, but I am not ready to take such measures.

Some of the guys who moved to other regions were invited to relatives in Dagestan under some kind of innocent excuse - for example, to a wedding. And when they came, they were beaten or even killed.

I moved to Moscow at the earliest opportunity. He threw all career prospects and literally tore off. Before the move I had a serious depression, I had to drink antidepressants. I was lucky that my friend was a psychiatrist, because, firstly, he was very supportive of me, and secondly, he helped with pills.

At first, I felt much better in Moscow, but I still tried very hard to hide the fact that I am from the Caucasus and my identity is a security issue. Dagestan families do not like very much when someone finds out about the homosexuality of their son. Many are asked to lie about their origins. In addition, if the family does not know, rumors can reach her, and it is unclear what the reaction will be. So all Caucasians-homosexuals who move to Moscow and St. Petersburg, tend not to speak their native language, and even less to form national get-togethers within the LGBT community. In a sense, this is a frightening tradition - you literally have to give up your identity, forget about who you are.

But the fact is that every year I feel worse even in the capital, where people, it seemed, should be more tolerant. I was beaten at the hostel several times because of my orientation. And once a friend and I were taken to the police because he was drinking beer near a shop on the street. The policeman began to say something rude, because I look like a gay man. He said that he understood everything by his appearance and gait. I tried to protect my rights through various organizations, I complained to the police, but it never worked. So, if it becomes possible to leave for a more tolerant country from Moscow already, I will do that.

Awareness of one's own orientation passed slowly, but without agony. Only at the age of 16-17, when my parents began to position me as a bride and constantly ask about guys, I began to realize that they would not appreciate my choice. Remembering how my father drove him out of his elder brother's house because he was expelled from college for academic failure, I became more and more convinced that it cost nothing to tell parents. Mom suspects something, but these thoughts are driving away from her and every day she rolls up scandals with tears: “God did not give me children, I went to the doctors for ten years to give birth, now I don’t give grandchildren. Why am I punished so much?” My family believes that a wedding with a man of the opposite sex and children are the only thing worth living for. And they piously believe in the principle of "enduring - loving". Even if rumors about my homosexuality reach my parents, I will refute everything.

I told friends about my sympathy for my gender as a teenager, but I was condemned and ridiculed. Rumors spread quickly and still diverge. Every new acquaintance learns everything from my old acquaintances or their friends. In a city with 600 thousand people it is impossible to hide. At some point, rumors reached my school. When I was 17 years old, our curator began to look at me with contempt and all the time start talking about LGBT couples. She said that gays are bad and it would be good to destroy them all, while she looked at me intently every time.

In the group, everyone whispered and discussed me. There was not even one indifferent word - only hatred and aggression. I no longer put credits and began to blame on each answer. The teachers set up classmates against me, made fun of me and discussed me, not being embarrassed by the fact that I was in the same room. At some point, I could not stand it and dropped out of school.

There are quite a lot of LGBT people in Astrakhan. Those of them whom I know, either behave very closed, or communicate only with homosexuals. One way or another, I am familiar with about half of our LGBT community, and only four people live openly, because, by a happy coincidence, they have never faced aggression or condemnation.

I realized that I was bisexual at the age of 13, and yet I find it easier to call myself gay. Accepting one's orientation was not difficult. I just understood that this is one of the standard options, although in my family nobody thinks like that. Today my family orientation is a mystery. But I think my parents realize that I am at least not heterosexual. I think the consequences of a coming-out will not be catastrophic: parents will sooner or later accept this, and I’m almost not in contact with the rest of my relatives. In my family, the traditional component is not very strong. There is no such thing that my father could say to my mother something like: “This is not a man’s business - vacuuming”, but it’s difficult for me to call it liberal.

During my studies, it was a bit difficult for me, because as soon as it came to gays (bisexuals, childfree, feminists, prostitution, abortions, etc.), the teachers spoke quite negatively, finding fault, and underestimated grades in tests and exams. Classmates either did not support me at all, or after the discussion itself they said: "I support your views, I just don’t want others to know about them." But in general, I did not feel much pressure.

At work, it was easier for me, because everyone knew about my orientation. At first, some people did not greet me, but soon it all smoothed out. I can even say that I am comfortable at work, because I don’t have to hide.

In our region there was one large community, but with the departure, and in essence, escape, of its head in the USA, it ceased to function actively. Although it seems to me that even with him the community was quite passive.

And indeed, if you meet a man of your own sex here, you immediately notice the alarm. More than once, on the first date, I was asked questions: "Are you alone? Just one? And if we go to me, nobody will follow us?"

If we talk about attitudes towards homosexuality in Voronezh, then we can recall the protests against the "Law on the Promotion of Homosexuality," where there were about ten homophobes per rally. On the whole, even commenting on news on gay topics becomes uncomfortable. At this point, you realize that you have to contact such people every day.

From my friends, I heard stories about how they were blackmailed by telling their relatives about their homosexuality. I know about attacks on gays in rented apartments and just in the courtyards of residential buildings. And indeed, if you meet a man of your own sex here, you immediately notice the alarm. More than once, on the first date, I was asked questions: "Are you alone? Just one? And if we go to me, nobody will follow us?" I think it does not mean the security of this region.

In Moscow and St. Petersburg, people are a bit more loyal to LGBT people, but they are still far from European capitals. When I lived in Moscow, it was easier for me, perhaps because more people accepted me. But in general, I am thinking about moving to Luxembourg to my partner. Fold up or not - time will tell.

I have never been a "child-404". In adolescence, I heard that "lesbukha is disgusting," but did not attach any importance to this, only seemed to be embarrassed by this topic. At 19, I met a guy who loved me very much, and I agreed to be with him. A year later, she fell in love with a teacher of foreign literature. I did not make a tragedy out of this, but I didn’t tell anyone about it either, I didn’t even have any diary entries left. I wrote poetry and even showed her one thing. I did not consider myself homosexual, because at that moment I had a boyfriend.

Three years later I broke up with him, realizing that only girls attracted me. Soon I met my partner and have been meeting her for quite a while. My parents are hyper-warding. And although I had already moved away from them, my mother asked a lot of questions. Tired of endless lies, I wrote her a letter, where I confessed everything. I did not particularly count on understanding. Mom said that homosexuality is a disease, I need to be treated. And all such a gentle voice. But in general, relatives, communicating with me, keep neutrality. But there is an 18-year-old nephew who fully supports me.

I do not hide my orientation, it is listed on my pages in social networks. I write poems dedicated to my girlfriend and read them in poetry collections. Until now, I did not feel the pressure, except from thugs at pubs who know my girlfriend and cling, however, to everyone who does not drink with them. At work, colleagues know and treat with understanding. But it still feels like this is a curiosity for them, a kind of fad, but this is good.

Novosibirsk is a million-plus city. It is easy to dissolve in it, I know that we have quite a lot of homosexuals. In the city center, girls can walk by the hand and even kiss, and on the outskirts of any decent people it’s better not to linger for a long time and go around the high places with confident and fast pace. Perhaps I’m too optimistic about the world, because I wasn’t beaten, I wasn’t threatened, there were no “remedial rapes” in my life. But I was told that 104 kilometers from Novosibirsk, in the city of Cherepanov, one open lesbian was “let in a circle,” because she did not hide her orientation.

There are gay clubs and LGBT activists in Novosibirsk. One of them, a fashion designer, even ran for deputies, but, of course, he lost. And recently, one of the local activists sued the company 1000 rubles for the fact that she refused to employ, citing the refusal of non-traditional sexual orientation.

But at the same time, the Legislative Assembly of the Novosibirsk Region introduced the notorious bill “on the promotion of homosexuality” to the State Duma. Harmless May Day "Monstration" constantly equate it to the Maidan, then to the gay parade. And in general, Novosibirsk is a nest of religious activists, there is even a Milon - an Orthodox activist Yuri Zadoy.

Cover: Etsy

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