Ugly and sweet: Why are we being drawn to the bad guys
Olga Utkina
I'll start from afar. I have a girlfriend. A beautiful, slender girl, breasts, mop of curls, a diploma of MARCHI and a good salary - all with her. Her boyfriend is a 35-year-old loser, an alcoholic and a walker, who cheats on her at every opportunity. All she gets from him is empty beer bottles, as well as constant reproaches: you are fat, what an ugly stuff you put on, why dinner is warm, not hot, if you were less hungry, you would earn more. For three years now she has been constantly complaining, crying, suffering, but suffering. There is another girlfriend - also a great-looking girl with chic work, big blue eyes and thin ankles. It’s a very clinical case: her boyfriend not only cheats on her almost every week and gets drunk every night, he also hits her. But each time the next morning he drags himself to her with a confession, and now they have sex on the kitchen table. And so five years in a row. Each of us will always find friends of varying degrees of closeness, who have been wallowing in the depths of hellish relations for many years now. Someone, for example, I, in order to meet such a person, simply look in the mirror. For many years I was confidently leading the rank of best drama queen. Wait for the guy on the street for three hours at night in an unfamiliar area, dying of fear, and then find out that he was all this time, knowing that you were waiting, hanging out with friends? Made by Get a three-day scandal due to the fact that the potatoes are sliced and not diced? It was! In response to the message about the terrible pain in the stomach to hear - "well, go to the pharmacy, enrages your sour face!"? And that was it! The list goes on and on, but the worst thing is that a lot of people live like this. It doesn't matter how you look, what you dress, where you were born, who you work and how much you earn - reproaches will pour in daily. So what's the big deal? Why do we all suffer and over and over again, as if changing attachments, still face the old set of complaints?
The first reason: "Who needs me, and so I at least not one". In fact, for any girl, no matter whether she works as a Victoria's Secret model or not, she has several guys in her whole life who sincerely were in love with her, wanted to carry her arms, gave the moon from the sky and called her married. Just at that moment, when such a fan appeared on the horizon, a lover of sadomaso-relations told herself: “He’s something to me too well, why would it be, I’m even embarrassed and don’t need it all, I’m suffering because of my ex. I’d better go and drink wine, paw about sad unhappy love, and then I’ll write to the former sms in the spirit of “You nasty asshole, but I love you anyway.” And let this clown with his love and marriage let him go through the forest. "And the point here is not that the new fan is bad, but that there is certainly no drama in the relationship with him. And why are there relations in which there is no drama? It's boring!
Reason Two: "Life is a pain, so why should a relationship be a succession of smiles and hugs?" Very few of us really know how to rejoice. We are always looking for a reason to whine, even where it is not. Went on a class trip? Super! But no, what is there to rejoice, because before the salary is still two weeks, and the money is all spent. Delicious dinner? Fine! But no, because now the ass just will be even more. Bought cool new shoes? And then an ambush: in a couple of weeks, they will completely destroy the Moscow reagent! There are a million such examples. We are always looking to complain. And therefore, having organized bad relationships as an inexhaustible source of complaints, we plunge into them, like in a warm bath. Everything is bad? Well, of course! As usual!
The third reason: "The more unhappy I am, the more people love and pity me. " Young children, seeing that the mother is busy and does not pay attention to them, often do this: demonstratively, but not hard, hit the door jamb or the corner of the table with a handle or leg and start yelling, they say, oh-her, how painful it is. Mother immediately tigress rushes to her baby, sorry, hugs and loves. The problem is that this technique only works for three-year-olds. When you are 20+, with constant whining and complaints you cause in your loved ones not sympathy, but deaf rabies. Of course, once or twice a friend is happy to hear complaints about the next guy, but at the 118th time this will cause her either irritation or boredom.
Reason Four: "In fact, I really like to feel miserable." You sit down faster and harder on self-pity than on alcohol or something stronger. Drink a few glasses of wine, close the curtains and, lying in the twilight of Friday evening, cry in the pillow: "Why do they love everyone, but don't! I try so hard! Oh, how unhappy I am! Why? Why? Who is to blame and what to do "Probably, the higher forces thus distinguish me from the rest! I have my own special path - it’s not by chance that I am so disastrously unhappy my whole worthless life!" Thus you can bring yourself to hysterics, while experiencing a strange pleasure. The more you feel sorry for yourself - the more pleasant it is for you.
Reason Five: "Bad relationships are very simple." To organize bad relationships is easier than good ones. Any guy - even the most beautiful one - learns about his carelessness towards his girlfriend quite easily, just enough to regularly remind him that you don’t need care. And not because you decide everything easily, but because you will suffer, worry, but do not need help, because you are not worthy of his highest attention. Here is a simple household example: you had a date, then great sex, two hours at night, and you're going to go home: you don't have panties with you, a toothbrush, or just get up early tomorrow. The guy - warm and sleepy - stands up on the bed and offers to walk you to the road and help you catch the car. Almost any fan of a terrible relationship will say this: well, what do you, I myself catch, you also have to dress, lie down, lie down! What the translation means: "Yes, spit on me: well, some scum will stick to me, well, okay! The main thing is that it is convenient for you, cat, but you don’t need to worry about me! Yes, I don’t know this area, but it's two o'clock at night, well, I’ll go through some yards. Well, somebody will grab me by the ass in a nook and cranny - well, it's nonsense, I will survive. " This seditious thought - it is important to intercept it in advance, swallow the above monologue and say: "Of course, do it, I really am afraid to go catching the car alone." It is - for a certain category of girls - more difficult. Just as difficult to start and maintain a good relationship. To learn to take care and to take care in response, not to be offended in the first second with an argument with the thought “again me, poor baby, offends this asshole”, but try to understand what you (or something else) caused in a person a different emotion. Maintain good relationships - daily work, keep bad ones much easier. You just need to constantly cry the blues and swallow all the insults, experiencing masochistic pleasure from them.
So why not go and right now not to cut off your hand or not to jump from the bridge, why trifle?
And now attention, a question: how to get out of such relationships from hell, when you seem to understand everything as a head, but you cannot do anything with yourself? There is one tried and tested method: you need to be alone for a couple of days - leave or lock yourself at home, pour yourself some tea, sit on the sofa and say (you can hear it out loud): do I want another 10, 20, 30 years to live with a person who will be daily offend me? Do I want to wake up in a bad mood, cry in the evenings and have a reputation as a vile whiner? What is the percentage of pleasure for me in this relationship and what is unpleasant? And if more unpleasant, then, it turns out, I deliberately make myself bad? So why not go and right now not to cut off your hand or not to jump from the bridge, why trifle?
These thoughts are sobering. In your head everything turns upside down, you suddenly begin to understand that you want love and care, you want to be met at the airport, talk amenity, take walks and ask if you wear woolen underpants when it’s -15. It is important to change in the head this one's bar here - from undervalued to normal. At first it will turn out so-so. But here, as in sports: self-control and discipline are needed. And after a while, it all just starts working.
With this we finish our small pickup session for unsure girls, and we wish everyone to stop babysitting and finally find their love in the new year. And erase from aytyuns to hell with all the sad pop music.
Illustration: Masha Shishova