Instructions: How to make compliments so as not to offend anyone
The #metoo movement is still one of the most discussed topics. in the world - and the coming January only gives reasons for conversation. While some support women who decide to openly talk about harassment, others fear a "witch hunt" and that the current situation will lead to a "wave of puritanism", so everyone will have to say goodbye to flirting. In fact, this is certainly not the case: harassment has nothing to do with flirting, and in any relationship it is important to respect the borders of others. We decided to look at the example of a compliment - we tell you where to start and how not to offend anyone in the process.
Be sincere
The main thing in any compliment - he must be honest. Many are accustomed to a different coordinate system (especially when it comes to work or any other situation where there is a hierarchy): it is believed that you can praise the person and what he does, even if you don’t really think so - provided that "relevant" or "useful." Of course, no one forbids doing so - but a truly pleasant compliment will be when it is said from the heart. The easiest thing to do is to follow in the same working environment: do not praise a colleague or boss for helpful comments on your work, if you are not going to follow them - most likely, the person will notice that you have not listened to his opinion, and the effect will be exactly the opposite.
Remember the context
This principle is primarily concerned with communication with not the closest people, for example, with the same colleagues. Of course, nothing prevents you from praising a cool, in your opinion, suit or new hair color of your co-worker around the office, but most likely, most people are waiting for you to talk about work, and moving to more personal topics may seem like a trespass.
Consider the situation: the same compliment about clothes or a haircut, made right after your colleague finished speaking at a meeting, would be much less appropriate than just meeting at the office kitchen. Another good reception is to give a compliment to a person immediately after he has done something that you think is admirable: for example, to praise a colleague for an excellent presentation as soon as it ends.
Consider what is important to another
In an ideal world, the ultimate goal of a compliment is not only to emphasize what you like, but also to make it pleasant to another person. This is best done if you get to know the person better and pay attention to what is important to him. This principle will help to avoid the dangerous moments associated with the compliments about the appearance: if you still want to praise the way a person looks, pay attention to what he can control - and to what he puts effort.
For example, you can praise a sense of style, and not how the clothes fit the figure, interesting makeup, and not how the shade of lipstick is combined with the skin tone. The same goes for the phrase "Wow, it looks like you play a lot of sports!" Speak like this, only if you are sure that the person leads an active lifestyle, and do not want to emphasize that he corresponds to the conventional concept of beauty.
Remember the relevance
Alas, in 2018, many still need to explain that street harassment and catcolling have nothing to do with compliments. An inappropriate comment (about appearance and not only) first of all violates the boundaries of another person, even if the author himself thinks otherwise. Of course, this does not mean that it is impossible to say that a person looks good, in principle - but talking about body parts, body shape and sexuality is better to leave until you know your interlocutor well and that will be really appropriate.
If you still want to speak about your appearance, make sure that the person feels comfortable and safe, and check your own motives - do you really want him to be happy after your words (and not draw his attention to yourself, for example), and would you rather sound ominous instead (even the most exquisite compliment, said after midnight on a dark street, will sound that way).
It is necessary to think about the relevance of talking about appearance when there are no hints of violence and trespassing: for example, if you tell a person after a long illness that he has lost weight, it will sound at least strange.
Forget about reservations
The phrase "doubtful compliment" implies that this is not the best way. The purpose of a compliment cannot be the desire to humiliate a person or assert himself at his expense.
Make sure that the praise does not have a "double bottom": phrases like "You do not look like a person who is interested in it" or "Great, I didn’t expect that you will succeed!" imply that a person does not meet any expectations or does not deserve something that happens to him. The words "You have changed so much, look so good!" may cause a person to doubt himself - and so on. Before you turn to another, think about who the compliment is targeting - him or yourself. In the second case, review the approach.
Discard stereotypes
This item is close to the previous one. One of the main reasons why it seems to many that due to the struggle with harassment flirting and compliments will disappear from our lives, because many people in principle cannot imagine compliments without using stereotypes.
The good news is that you can get rid of it if you look after yourself. Thinking over what you want to say, see if it doesn’t look like you consider yourself taller, better and smarter than your interlocutor. “Not bad for a girl,” “I didn’t think that it would be interesting to a man of your age,” “You are fine with logic for a convinced humanist” - not at once.
Don't be jealous
“Yes, you are a good fellow, I have achieved such success! Not that I am ...” - this option of a compliment does not offend the interlocutor, but he will almost certainly become uncomfortable. On the one hand, it is not clear what to do next - whether to thank you, or rush to console and convince you that you are worth something too. On the other hand, such a compliment always looks kind of insincere, as if you are just using another person to talk about yourself. Nothing prevents to know how a person has achieved impressive results in a particular business, or to ask for advice - it's just not a compliment, but another conversation.
Do not say that things "decorate"
And one more small rule concerning the compliments of the exterior. Very often, when we want to praise a person’s clothes, we say that this or that clothing "decorates" him or "goes" to him. In this, in general, there is nothing bad - if such words often did not imply that a person looks slimmer in one or another clothes or that his figure seems more conventional beautiful.
In the American edition of Bustle, they even invented twenty-one replacements for the wording “clothes decorate you” - from the simple “You look amazing!” to a more unusual "Looks like what Rihanna would wear." The principle is the same: praise the efforts made by the other person, and not by how much it corresponds to stereotypes.
Illustrations: Katya Dorokhina