How sex services help people with disabilities
Today Charlotte has a busy day.At 10 o'clock in the morning, her daughter had already gone to school, ahead of her were meeting hours with clients, arranged by the hour, in parallel, she was working on staging at a local theater and planning a political campaign. Our Skype interview is interrupting a business call, Charlotte replies: "Today we have a session with the participation of two girls, I will work with Zara."
She has about an hour and a half before leaving the house. It is 10 am in London, 5 am in New York, and this is the only window in Charlotte’s schedule for the next two weeks, when she can talk to me. “How can I help you?” Asks Rose.
We contacted Charlotte through the British organization TLC Trust, On the website of which sex workers place their profiles, ready to help clients with disabilities. The webcam is pointing up somewhere, so all I see is Charlotte's face, which props her head with a pillow and rubs her sleepy, but already painted eyes, as well as the straps from the bra on her shoulders.
In addition to working with people with disabilities, Charlotte has been an open advocate for the provision of all types of sex services since she entered the industry in 1997. Now she is actively engaged in the election campaign - she plans to become a member of parliament and protect the right to sex life of the elderly and people with disabilities, as well as deepen and expand the course of sex education in schools. In 2013, Charlotte received the Golden Flying Penis Award in the nomination "Employee of the Year in the Field of Sex Services"; Actor Rupert Everett, who worked on the documentary series "Love for Sale", consulted her.
Charlotte spends evenings and weekends at rehearsals and performances at Sex Workers Opera, a multimedia production by London’s Arcola Theater, written and performed by sex workers and their friends who tell their stories in the form of dance and performance. In his spare time, Rose organizes social actions, such as the recent shlepaton (from the words "marathon" and "spank." - Ed.) Or a demonstration against legislative restrictions in British porn, under which elements such as fisting, squirting, spanking, batting, aggressive flogging, penetration involving objects associated with violence, physical and psychological humiliation, and strangulation.
I can safely say that nothing scares her - and in professional activities as well. Charlotte has learned to adapt a variety of sexual stimulation techniques for a wide variety of clients, including those with intellectual disabilities, non-functioning genitalia, or functional limitations. Working with a person who is paralyzed below the neck, for example, Charlotte speaks to him about sex, causing him an erection, and then describes how his arousal causes a rush of blood to his face: the sensations build up on his cheeks, his face as a whole and eventually the brain connects .
"I had a client who had an orgasm because he was touched by the ear," she continues. "The body is able to adapt, regardless of how - with the help of eyes, ears or touches. Our body will always evolve depending on the circumstances. It uses its erogenous zones and uses other senses, if the necessary ones do not function. "
“I understand the emotional aspect, and sometimes it can be exhausting for a sex worker,” she says. “Sometimes nurses can prepare a client for my visit. But I also have some clients who are embarrassed to tell their nurses about me, so I have to take on some additional responsibilities, this can also cause uncomfortable situations. It is scary that you can hurt them, do something wrong, because you do not have special training in this area. For example, to raise some pain s necessary only in a certain way, and a mistake can hurt you both. "
There are emotional costs. One of Rose’s former clients suffered from skin cancer, which literally devoured him outside and completely consumed him during their relationship. “He continued to amputate more and more new parts of the body as the cancer ate the skin,” recalls Rose. “I couldn’t put too much pressure on his skin because she was cracking and starting to bleed. But he was such a nice guy, all the time he was joking. He came to me himself by contacting TLC - he wanted to lose his virginity before he died. "
"With each regular client an emotional connection is established. Seeing how their condition progresses from month to month, how their body changes - all this is very sad." Charlotte says she is now on three "death lists". I hear such an expression for the first time. Rose explains that after the death of clients, she is called and invited to their funeral.
No matter how grim the attendant circumstances, her sex drive does not fade away, at least so she claims. In the documentary series "Love for Sale", Charlotte convinced the skeptical Rupert Everett that her minimum was an orgasm from each client, and sometimes two. "Of all the professions in the world, I have the highest level of job satisfaction," she says to me. "I love sex!"
Despite a conservative policy on porn, sex services in Britain have always been legal, as opposed to the United States, where prostitution is prohibited (except for 11 counties of Nevada and California, where it is conditionally subject to the law on "persons of marriage age"). Ironically, this gave rise to an even more professional level of sex services in the States - “sex work with the body,” a developing area of “erotic education,” which is obviously not related to sex research in the medical, academic, or mystical sense. Already by name it is clear that this is not an easy task.
Practicing practitioners use a variety of titles, from "erotic massage therapist" and "intimate mentor" to "surrogate", "somatic sex instructor" and "shaman". They are perceived as a kind of doctors. You can even take courses at the California Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (the only institution of its kind in all States), and receive a certificate from the California Department of Education, which makes it possible to conduct relevant practice. “So far there are no regulatory laws, as this is a relatively new area,” explains Ph.D., Rev. Ted McIlvenna, President of the Institute.
In the distant 60s, the Methodist Church commissioned Rev. MacIlvenna to convert gays into heterosexuality — this impracticable mission, in turn, pushed him on the path to fighting for the sexual revolution and gay rights. He is also the owner of one of the most extensive erotic collections in the world. To the question of whether he can describe his field of activity as a therapeutic one, I get a sharp NOT: "We do not save people, we help them to function sexually. To say that we treat people who are seriously ill is complete nonsense."
Among the graduates of the university, Cheryl Cohen-Green is proudly listed as a sex surrogate, which Helen Hunt played in the 2012 film of the same name. “She has never encountered any problems, like none of our former students,” says McIlvenna. “There are no medical incompetence lawsuits in our address because our“ intimate mentors ”are not asked for petting or other things that may be abuses of medical credentials. "
“I can’t say that we were always protected, but there wasn’t any particular harassment,” these are the words of Dr. Kenneth Ray Stubbs, who along with Dr. Joseph Kramer was one of the pioneers of sexology in California in the 1970s (then called “erotic massage "). "Now there are a lot more practitioners. There are legal frameworks that allow people to do this openly or something."
Stubbs recently added the title of "shaman" to his regalia, as he sees his role in evoking certain energies in people, helping them to explore themselves through sexual contact. “When I first started teaching erotic massage, I realized that my goal is not just to bring a person to a victorious end,” he explains. “When genital contact within a massage helps a person to know his sexuality, recognize it and understand more about himself, that's what inspires me personally. "
"No, of course, I am not saying that distorting it in a quick way is a useless thing. And this can be a good thing."
In sexology there is no place for romance. "We do not heal, we do not change anyone's life dramatically, we just explain to people how to relieve stress," says McIlvenna. Not to mention the fact that the realization of fantasy can be very useful. “If I see that it will be beneficial for someone to go to Bunny Ranch in Nevada, I will recommend him to go there,” he adds. “Some girls there know a lot about how to help.”
In the end, sexological work with the body is not about lovemaking - this process is akin to psychological training, only with the help of touches, which, as it happens, sometimes affect the genital area. As a graduate of the institute Ken Stofft summarizes, "I do not sleep with my clients, and they do not sleep with me."
Prior to this, Stofft was engaged in the support and consultation of people with drug addiction, and he himself is a former, but a cured alcoholic. He usually works with men of 45 years and older. For him, sexual discharge is only one way to get rid of addiction. “When a person suppresses pain with drugs and alcohol, the body usually suffers,” he says. “My task is to help a person go through a difficult stage, experience a thirst for life, and direct his sexual energy in a constructive direction.”
"The overwhelming majority of men who turn to me for help are hungry for male support that does not include sex. Just hug, let yourself be touched by another man, lean on a strong shoulder without sexual overtones - all this almost does not fit into our culture ".
Descriptions in online resources for sexological work with the body vaguely resemble the inscriptions on the new-age-advertising: "Relationship problems? Do you believe in gravity? Are you ready to know the highest meaning, purpose, strength and inspiration in your life?? "- Asks one of the experts. Doctors often promise" miracles of the body, "" the flowering of desires, "and sometimes even" eternal peace.
Charlotte offers something completely different - the opportunity to fuck just like everyone else. To feel the transcontinental difference in approach, it is enough to talk to her mentor Tuppi Owens, a 70-year-old doctor, known as the pioneer of the sexual revolution in Britain, responsible, in particular, for the return of joy to porn. Her 1969 porno-album "Sexual Harmony", released several years before the famous "Joy of Sex", was decorated with an unprecedented cover for those times: a couple having fun sex, where both partners laugh, because the man was so energetic that a woman fell off the beds. (Owens also founded the Sex Maniac's Diary long-lived magazine and the Sexual Freedom Awards, which Charlotte was awarded in 2013).
Among other things, Owens founded the Outsiders Club in 1979 - sex network for people with disabilities, when one of the distributors of Sex Maniac's Diary lost his sight. As his friends and girlfriends began to gradually avoid him, Tuppy decided to help him with his personal life. “I took it with me to parties and introduced new women. We had a lot of fun, and once I said, listen, it's fun. Let's get the club together.”
Owens with particularly warm feelings recalls a support group for women with disabilities. Her name, "V group", appealed to women with cerebral palsy who could not spread their legs. "We met four times a year in London, and a couple of years later, two women found partners, one of the participants decided that she wanted to become a man, and one died - she was so eager to live and get as much pleasure from life as she knew that is doomed, although it hid it from us. In the end, everyone achieved what he wanted. Of course, except for her. "
“In the meantime,” she adds, “the deceased woman actually progressed farther than anyone else, she did not deny herself anything and lived to the fullest. After what happened, I talked to her mother, I was interested to understand how her mother reacted to the fact that her merry daughter with might and main was fascinated by online sex. She told me: “I had no right to stop her, because she didn’t have much time left. On the one hand, she demanded respect for her privacy, and on the other, she sometimes called me and said, mom, look what I have going on here. "
“The best sex instructors and teachers for people with physical and intellectual disabilities come out of sex workers,” Owens continues. “Yes, they never admit this, but they are best known for how many people with disabilities can enjoy physical pleasure.” Until now, Tuppy personally runs the program "Sex and Disability Helpline" - a line of trust and support for people with disabilities.
"For example, today a 29-year-old girl with cerebral palsy called us and told her that terribly awkward to talk about it, but she worries that she doesn’t have a boyfriend. ”Tuppy persuaded her to meet at lunch.“ I was over the moon because I had the opportunity to save this unfortunate girl. She is so lonely and could not even share her problem with anyone, the thought itself led her to a terrible embarrassment. This is a real tragedy. ”Somehow, she received a call from several men with congenital cerebral spinal hernia who could not achieve an orgasm during normal penis stimulation.“ One of them called me back in 10 minutes and happily reported that he had just experienced for the first time in his life orgasm! I remember thinking then - you are fast. "
"It’s amazing and not at all like torture," she says, and with a sigh of relief, explains, "people never called me in tears, customers take my services seriously."
“What I like about her is that she is never afraid to tell you the truth in person,” Johnny tells me on Wheels on Skype. He’s 22, he has cerebral palsy and vision problems. He’s a friend of Tuppy and one of Charlotte's clients. - She can give advice on how to care for herself, how to dress ... Many doctors or nurses will never be completely frank with you because they are afraid to hurt your feelings. "
Johnny is one of the speakers and public figures of TLCwhich often communicates on behalf of the organization with the press and attends thematic events. Meanwhile, before the release of the film "Surrogate", it never occurred to him that one could resort to the help of sex services. “People with disabilities are not taken in the context of sexuality,” he continues. “It’s customary to think of them in any other way — for example, as people in need of care ... it feels like you're a serial maniac. People just don't understand how to react to it. "
He is aware that their relationship with Charlotte is built on a commercial basis, but for Johnny, it’s not about sex: "There is such a simple thing as a hug. For many, this is nothing special, but for us such contacts are very rare" .
It is not always about orgasm; what Owens does extends into areas that are sometimes conditionally related to the concepts of "disability" and "sex." Once she had the opportunity to work with a group of adults and fully physically formed patients whose mental development was at the level of six month old babies. "They had diapers, they could not even touch their genitals, - says Dr. Owens. - But, for example, during the sleepy hours they were without clothes and you could devote this time to pleasure. It could be a massage that helped them to feel more connected with your body, to feel what they want, perhaps to touch themselves. It's a question of finding comfort with your own body and trying to understand what it wants. "
So says Charlotte.
"It gives us, sex workers, the opportunity to change their attitude towards people with similar problems, and instead of sympathizing with or feeling sorry for them, simply treat them as ordinary living people."
For Charlotte, this is not supernatural; sex is just one of the nice options of our daily life.
"Sexual emancipation is a wonderful thing, and first of all it is joy: you can allow yourself to be relaxed and natural within your comfort zone. In the end, it all comes down to not being afraid to try new things. Like all life."