Love and friendship: Why any relationship is work
It seems less and less of us are putting on a "prince on a white horse" or that magic meeting that will turn life over forever. But the rejection of the idea of life as a fairy tale does not mean that stereotypes about relationships are finally a thing of the past. First of all, this concerns, of course, romance: the belief that everyone is waiting for the “same” single person with whom relations will be easy and simple, which will take us immediately and completely and with whom we will live together until the end of days without a single quarrel turns out to be quite tenacious. Some go further and, in principle, share the idea of love and relationships, considering that where there are feelings, there is no place for a rational approach, a sober head, and especially daily work. People are talking about awareness more and more around - but, it seems, it seems strange to apply this principle in many relationships so far.
ALEXANDRA SAVINA
The idea that true love is given without difficulty is also reflected in pop culture. It’s hard to imagine a romcom in which the characters calmly and deliberately discuss what they expect from relationships, when they plan to have children, and whether they plan at all, and what their views on the future together - all this sounds like the most uncomfortable story. Throwing aside the fact that our life basically doesn’t look like a movie (it’s unlikely you ever found yourself in situations from “Fiction Fiction”), it’s impossible to ignore the effect of pop cultural clichés on us. It is here that the idea that true love will develop by itself (otherwise what kind of real love is it?) Unfolds in full force. Relationships seized the routine? Of course, it's time to look for a new holiday love, and not try to understand what went wrong with the current partner, and draw conclusions for the sake of future relations. Have you made a mistake and offended your partner? It is enough to apologize with a beautiful gesture and forget about all the problems. Thinking how to find "that one"? Romkoms will tell you that true love should be only one - and you will understand that this is exactly the feeling just by looking into each other’s eyes. Finally, Romeo and Juliet are still considered the symbol of “real” love, that is, all-consuming passion (Juliet, recall, was not Romeo's first love, and their relationship lasted only a couple of days).
"Harmonious relationships require a lot of work. Maintaining them for many years is not for the faint-hearted. Doing nothing, sitting on everything ready, will not work," said Deborah Kabaniss, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University. "This does not mean that can be full of joy, be life-affirming, satisfy you sexually and bring you fun - but you have to work in return. Career successes require work, as well as maintaining physical fitness. Why do we think that for harmonious relationship is not necessary? "
It is strange to expect friends to be aware of how your business is going, if you have never spoken to them over the past year.
Long and strong relationships are, indeed, rarely associated with hard work - although, it would seem, the very idea of “long” and “sustainable” by default means just that. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship understands that the effect of novelty diminishes with time, and passion gives way to calmer feelings - and supporting them becomes the task of partners. To understand that in order for relations to "work", there is little initial enthusiasm, just look at the global divorce statistics. According to the data of 2011, Russia has one of the highest levels of annual divorces - 4.8 per 1000 people (although, of course, it should be borne in mind that in many countries with a patriarchal structure there are fewer, because divorce is socially unacceptable). In Europe, the situation is slightly better, but the data still cast doubt on "eternal love" - for example, in Great Britain, marriage lasts an average of twelve years and a little.
A lot of work is needed to develop relationships - even if we are not used to calling it that. The first resource that you have to think about is, of course, time: the strongest emotions also need to be nourished with meetings, conversations and attention. It is hard to imagine relationships that will develop on their own, without regular communication. And this is true not only for romance: remember how often friendship fades away over time and with age - it happens, friends have different ways, or less and less common topics for conversation, or it is harder to find time because of work, family and many other reasons. Of course, there is nothing wrong with seeing each other once a year and feeling that you are still close - there is no single “norm” and relationship formula, as long as the communication format suits everyone. But it is strange to expect friends to be aware of how your business is going, if you have never spoken to them over the past year. The same is true in relations with partners: the format can be any, but it is unlikely that it will take shape on its own while you are busy with other things.
Deborah Kabaniss gives other specific advice for long-term relationships. For example, in a relationship, you need to take care of the other person's feelings (even if this is your joy, you still need a conscious effort): try not to hurt him with a careless phrase, not to come to her or him with uninvited and unconstructive comments, not to hurt . Any relationship implies that you have to take care of another person. Of course, this is not about the patriarchal setting to dissolve in the partner and his needs, forgetting about himself and his interests - but there can always come a moment when the partner or partner needs support more than you yourself.
In any relationship, you should work on yourself as well - for example, honestly admit to yourself what you want and expect and what is important for you, learn to defend your borders and abide by others, conflict, not insulting and demeaning your partner, and at the same time fight for what is important for each of you to take into account the interests of others, not forgetting your own, not to lose yourself because of the desire to dissolve in another person. Perhaps this whole complex of skills will come to you as if by itself, naturally. Or maybe it will take more than one day before you can accept each other as you are.
In any relationship, you should also work on yourself - for example, honestly admit to yourself what you want and expect and what is important for you, learn to defend your borders and observe others
Any relationship, whatever their format, is also a choice. Every day we make hundreds of decisions - from large to the smallest - and this cannot affect us (there is even a separate term for this phenomenon - “decision fatigue”, that is, “decision fatigue”). It would seem that this has little to do with the realm of the senses, but everything is not so simple: there are no fewer choices here and the dating applications only open up the horizon, showing how many more options we have. But experts believe that a large selection often does not liberate, but, on the contrary, paralyzes: we begin to think that we have too many different options. In addition, psychologists say that because of the endless possibilities, we are rarely completely satisfied with the result: it is easy to imagine that we could find an option (partner, partner or friends) better if we made a little more effort and looked for a little longer.
In this paradigm, the decision to stop and not look further, but to develop what we have is also a big and serious choice, and it seems the last thing to think about in this situation is that this choice will come "by itself", therefore that "so destined."
PHOTO:Conscious Craft, Yes Bebe
