How to distinguish your desires from those imposed by society?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to distinguish your desires from those imposed by society?
The tendency to group even by small companies and follow some standard is peculiar to each person. Some people are able to live happily and harmoniously according to the rules of society, while others are fine, but do not leave anxiety about the decisions made. How to determine whether we are on our own life course or are we following someone else?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
Perhaps you have been drifting all your life, were an ideal share-girl, you didn’t do anything that you could regret afterwards. Parents are not happy with you, stable work and relationships are attached, but why is it so depressing and does not leave the feeling that something in life has gone wrong? When we grow and form, it is perfectly normal to learn through imitation, copying skills, especially the closest people to us - the parents. Gradually, our circle is expanding, and we begin to borrow some features and ideas from brothers and sisters, friends, teachers, information falls on us from the Internet and television. Undoubtedly, parents still retain a dominant role - it is from them that we learned speech and facial expressions, learned a bunch of rules and stereotypes about what is decent and not very good, what is moral and what is not. You may even have inherited a family scenario, which you are more or less programmed to follow in order to realize what they did not have time. How to understand this exorbitant baggage and understand that this is our decision and desire, and that we imposed?
In addition to the scenarios, there are also antiscenarios, so if you, in spite of everything and everyone, decided to become a sort of "Baba Yaga", in order to be sure that you definitely want this particular thing - perhaps you are no less a victim of the program not pretty In fact, the statement that this or that desire was imposed on us is only partly true, because as a final decision on what to follow in our life, we always make ourselves. You can justify the choice of extraneous influence, lack of experience, knowledge, maturity, but nevertheless, we choose which concept to follow. There is always a choice.
So, for starters, you can try to deal with these decisions and those whose desires and concepts led them. Write down on the sheet the events themselves: admission to the institute, moving somewhere, employment, buying a budgie - look at what was written and remember, between what and what did you choose? Who did you consult with? What influenced the final choice? Consider an alternative: why the parrot, and not a snake, for example? Maybe you have always dreamed of a snake, but a friend said: "Ugh, how disgusting"?
Perhaps you have inculcated a passion for science all your life - passion has never arisen
Next try to go a little deeper. Try to write down the settings that existed in your family. They may be, by the way, quite a lot, but do not despair - you have been saving it all for years, have you really thought to figure it out in one day? Recall, for example, the notorious "you are a girl," not a single woman who overshadowed her future life. Maybe this setting prevented you from being yourself, because decent girls "don't laugh out loud", "don't cynically joke", "don't have sex on the first date / before the wedding", etc. - insert your own version. Perhaps you have inculcated a passion for science all your life - passion has never arisen, but you are all tormenting your dissertation for joy ... Exactly, for whom joy?
Raise awareness of what you do. There is such a good old exercise: imagine that you have only one year left to live. Are you satisfied with what you have already done? What would you like to change? Would you do what you are doing now? And despite the fact that many people would probably have fun and say that they would take a loan and go to Bali, with such a statement of the question it becomes not so important whether your parents are satisfied with your life and whether you meet the requirements of society - it’s important , Are you satisfied. Try to get rid of in your thoughts and in speech from such a construction as "I should." Try replacing all your responsibilities with “I want”. For example, you must enroll in the magistracy. You are interested in a subject, you want to improve your qualifications, or it is a master's degree program in a country that interests you and you can spend some good time there. If all of the above is incorrect, then why and to whom then you owe it?
And finally, think about what makes you follow someone — perhaps you are afraid to voice or make something of your own. Why? Maybe you do not trust yourself? Perhaps, you had a negative experience, brightly imprinted in your mind, when you had a chance to share something intimate with someone, or perhaps express your own idea in public and be ridiculed? If this is indeed the case, and the psycho-traumatic experience really conditions your whole life, then, although it is already the first step to recognize and accept it, depending on the depth of the injury, long and painstaking work may be required.