How to stop feeling guilty in front of parents?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked the professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to stop feeling guilty in front of parents for living your life
It seems that you have grown. And you have your own separate life, independent of mom and dad. You may even live in another city. At the same time, it is clear that regardless of age, we are all the same children for our parents and they worry about us and worry. However, for some reason, some of us start adulthood easily and calmly, feeling behind the back invisible support and support, while others are constantly tormented by feelings of guilt for leaving their loved ones unattended and allowing themselves to live their own, separate life.
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
It may seem that those parents who desperately need us simply love us more. But, oddly enough, everything is exactly the opposite: the more healthy and harmonious relationships within the family, the easier the parents let go of their child. Because they did not grow in him the continuation of themselves and value in him an independent personality. Parents who try to pull you back and sow that feeling of guilt are deeply insecure parents. Unsure so that they have to control everything around and, of course, their children first. These are manipulative parents who surround you with their endless care and undeniable knowledge of how and what is better, without the help of which you would not live a day. They give you the feeling that you are not good enough, and at the same time, since they do so much for you, you have to be a good girl and do everything the way your mom or dad wants. If you have the strength to physically separate from this type of parents, then everything is not so bad. You at least have the mind and the strength to understand the need to escape from excessive control. Now we need to take the next step - to realize where your guilt comes from and what is happening.
For the parent manipulator, the child is his narcissistic continuation, and his separation is like amputation, the loss of a part of himself. It is not surprising that they want to convince you so much of the need to return. Understand also that all this is hardly some kind of cleverly planned act and does not come from evil. Forgive your parents for their attempts to control you, in a sense, they really believe that this is the only way to keep you safe from harm, although in fact they are told by their own anxiety. Perhaps they themselves were raised by the same insecure and anxious parents, and it was your honor to break this vicious circle.
You should not sacrifice your interests and desires for the sake of the desires of others. And no, this is not egoism.
You must clearly remember a few things for yourself. Each person has his own life, and your life is your responsibility. You do not live to meet someone’s expectations, and you don’t have to sacrifice your interests and desires for the sake of others. And no, this is not selfishness. Having mastered these truths, try to gradually begin to rebuild relationships with parents. Catch the initiative in your relationship. Feel more mature in this situation. Try to respond to all provocations calmly and patiently, as if you are talking to a child. In your parent, there really is an inner child hiding somewhere in need of unconditional love, and if you have this love, tenderness, or at least sympathy or pity, then do not hesitate to manifest these feelings.
Call and visit your parents when it is convenient for you - in this way you will not let them feel abandoned, on the one hand, but take control of the situation - on the other. Mark the boundaries and do not allow them to invade your personal space (to condemn your relationship, try to find out details that you would not want to share), immediately stop such attempts at the root, but calmly. For example: "I love you mom, but this is only my relationship / my decision / my business."
Remember that this article is about excessive parental care and control. If you really do not pay attention to your parents at all and feel guilty, that is why ... Well, guilt is sometimes a useful emotion that motivates us to change for the better. On the other hand, if your parents were not always complex and manipulative behavior - this is something completely new for them, then you should think about it. Maybe something is wrong here and we are talking about age-related depression or even the onset of dementia - and they really need help.