Without fear and reproach: How to conflict correctly
A few months ago we were already tellinghow to survive a difficult conversation. In short - you need to strive to communicate on an equal footing, closely monitor your emotions, understand what you are afraid of, and be mentally prepared for the fact that the dialogue may fail. Nevertheless, many of us are still afraid or avoid collisions: it is generally accepted that a conflict situation cannot be resolved calmly, everything will necessarily end in mutual insults and the fact that both participants will recall old grievances.
But conflict is not necessarily a quarrel or scandal. The conflict situation means only that the interests of the parties do not coincide and it is not immediately clear to both participants how to reconcile these contradictions. Usually there are five behavioral strategies in such situations. In everyday life, conflict is usually called direct confrontation - an open clash, when the interlocutors present different interests, values, opinions or opinions to each other: "Forgive, but I think otherwise." Other strategies of behavior in a similar situation are avoidance (“Let's just not talk about it”), surrender (“Okay, let's do what you say”) and compromise (“Let's both move a little“ in our own interests ”). Finally, the fifth option is cooperation, which just happens after an open discussion of a conflict situation and to which one should strive.
You may have recognized yourself in one of the five models and do not know what to do with it. We understand why confrontation is not a disaster at all and why we all need experience in such situations.
Conflict is not a quarrel
Confrontation does not necessarily imply a noisy quarrel, the transition to the individual, resentment and insults. Its meaning is only in the fact that two (or more) people discover that they are interestingly diverge radically. But how they lead themselves further depends on their communication skills, personal profile and, oddly enough, the experience of conflicts.
People who do not know how to make claims and disagree with others, usually do not know how to negotiate. Do not confuse the latter with the habit of giving in - they know how to do it, but you cannot always give in to others. A person who is too compliant accumulates aggression for a long time, which eventually “explodes” - and then the very scandal that she or he was going to avoid happens. In fact, no relationship can do without a clash of interests: there is no friendship, no romantic or family, not even a working relationship in which two people have never dispersed needs, desires, values or attitudes. The only question is how to manage with these discrepancies.
Without conflicts, it is impossible to communicate sincerely
Of course, you can try to bypass all controversial issues, differences of opinion and other "dangerous" places. But then in the relationship there are "inviolable territories", which over time becomes more and more. People who constantly avoid conflicts are moving away - whether they are a couple who are afraid to openly discuss issues of loyalty and flirting, views on children and marriage or financial problems, or colleagues who are embarrassed to talk about areas of responsibility and the boundaries of communication at work.
To avoid such a development of events, it is important to remember: confrontation in itself does not lead to a rupture of relations and does not even spoil them, although it looks very risky for some people. Open conflicts are often feared by those who grew up with harsh parents who used physical punishment, shouted, boycotted or demonstrated that they did not like a child during quarrels. Since childhood, such people have learned that to go to confrontation means to lose the love of significant people, and even endanger their basic needs (I quarreled with my mother - they deprived me of dinner). Learning to clash (perhaps with the help of a psychologist or a coach) is important for everyone - and we will tell about it in the following paragraphs.
There is no cooperation without conflict of interests.
Since people cannot be in everything and always communicate, they will sooner or later come across a possible conflict. But when they try to avoid such dangerous zones, they, oddly enough, are not united, but more divided. Indeed, without an open discussion of different visions and different opinions, they cannot be brought to a single denominator.
For example, your colleague thinks that you need to agree to conditions that are not the most advantageous for the company and sign an agreement that the contractors sent in order to acquire good business partners. You are of the opinion that once you are “bent over” you will be forced to accept inconvenient and unfavorable conditions the next time, and no business cooperation will work out. Perhaps a colleague is right, perhaps you are. Perhaps some of you have valuable information that the second does not have — for example, insider information about the partner company or contacts with someone from the management. You can learn this only by discussing the situation. And the discussion in this case is likely to begin with the words: “Wait. I do not agree. Why do you think this is a good decision? I think we should do the opposite, and here's why.”
If both interlocutors are calm and determined to have a constructive conversation, confrontation can turn into a discussion, and that one into full-fledged cooperation (you will tell what information each of you has and make the best decision). Of course, less favorable outcomes are possible: a third person - a manager - will decide everything for you, a colleague will not listen to you and the like. But if you don’t show that you don’t agree, open discussion will not work out anyway - which means that the decision will be taken without discussion and, possibly, possessing complete information.
The conflict mediation manual mentions an example when a divorcing couple could not share a country house built during the years of marriage for common money. The former husband and wife did not want to sell it and share the income and, of course, did not intend to own it together - this situation did not suit anyone. The situation seemed intractable until the mediator began to ask the spouses why they did not want to part with the house. It turned out that the husband sees in him a symbol of the family nest and is tied to the house as a place, I would often like to live in it and invite common children there. And his wife was going to take it and live on rental income. As a result, the couple signed an agreement: the man paid monetary compensation to his ex-wife, while he lived in the house and brought there children for the weekend. If a man immediately gave up the house without discussion, he would feel hurt that he was left without a favorite home, atmosphere and nature trips with children. And if his former wife had conceded, she would have remained without a substantial part of the income. The confrontation helped everyone to defend their interests.
Conflicts reveal feelings
Family psychologists know that quarrels, even frequent and hurting, are not always an indication that a couple will break up. Of course, they cannot be brushed aside from them, and actively conflicting spouses need help. But really, the “sentence” for a relationship is when one or both partners refuse to communicate. For example, when one emotionally declares: "We need to seriously talk!" - and the second one escapes (“Oh, let's not today!”) or shrugs it off (“Come on, everything is in order, what can we say!”).
Conflicting (of course, it’s not about violence, but about conversation) is better than going away from communication: confrontation shows that the partners have strong feelings towards each other, that they are not indifferent to relations. It is only important to learn how to properly deal with each other's feelings: talk about your displeasure and discomfort, not becoming personal, not generalizing the situation and not drawing conclusions about the relationship as a whole ("And you always! ...") and not hurt the feelings of another person. If quarrels began to repeat often and the couple feels that they are walking in a circle, they probably would not have been prevented by the help of a family therapist. With it, partners learn to be sincere, not hurting each other, and eventually learn to resolve conflicts without scandals, cooperating and yielding to each other.
There is another argument in favor of family therapy. Unfortunately, scandals often serve as a way to avoid discussing the very first and most painful conflict situation. That is, paradoxically, the scandal helps to avoid this conflict. Partners quickly roll into a scream, go to the person, remember the old and no longer relevant offenses, spit out emotions and disperse in different rooms. Then the peak of the quarrel is replaced by remorse, assurances of love and hugs - but the question of how to spend your free time or how to spend and save money, from which everything started, remains unsolved and even unresolved.
Open conflict helps defend what is important to you
Finally, there are things that you should not agree to under any conditions. If you dream of loyalty and a monogamous couple, you should not settle for an open relationship or close your eyes to partner betrayal. If honesty is very important to you, you are unlikely to be able to work in a company that is deceiving its counterparties. If you consider yourself a benevolent person who seeks to see something good in everyone, you will not be able to be friends with someone who is gossiping evil about people.
All of the above are examples of value conflicts. If an established relationship touches your values, impinges on something very important for you - confrontation, oddly enough, would be the best way out: "For me, this is unacceptable and I will not do that." Perhaps you will lose your friendship, partner, or will be forced to change jobs. But to preserve a relationship or a workplace by betraying yourself is a destructive choice that is best avoided.
Photo: LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)
