Young parents on how life changes with the advent of the child
The birth of a child, as one of the heroines of this material put it, is comparable "to going into outer space without insurance": it is overgrown with a set of beautiful clichés and frightening prejudices, and predictably causes in the newly-made parents feelings ranging from rapture to horror. The appearance of the baby - a solid holiday or a complete nightmare? Is it possible (and is it necessary) to have time for everything and not to deny yourself anything, even if you do not have a million rubles and nannies? How to be a good mother or father, but not to overdo it? How to build your comfort zone when everyone has an opinion and a ready-made set of tips? In the end, whether to say goodbye to the usual way of life forever? We asked several families, in which children appeared not so long ago, about how the appearance of a child changed their way of life, habits and worldview and what turned out to be the most interesting or most difficult.
Dmitry, Zhenya and Anna
ANNA Pavlyuchkov 36 years old, managing director of "Poster Picnic", on maternity leave
DMITRY SMOLIN 37 years old programmer
ZHENYA 9 months
ANNA
All children are very different, but for some reason, few people warn
I hardly believe that there are people whose life has not changed with the birth of a child. This is either slyness or a child from the very first days turns out to be enclosed in a tight ring of nannies and relatives. Even clutching our teeth in the old way of life and arranging a child for it, and not vice versa, it is impossible to deny the changes - at least at the level of feelings. The birth of a child is an incredible, insane event, a full flight into space without insurance. Although, of course, to give birth or not to give birth is a personal choice of everyone, and such a scenario has no right to be imposed neither by society in the broad sense, nor by the inner circle, native mother or pope.
Expectations and myths are the main enemy of any young parent. "Well, now forget about the dream," "At first everything is simple, and then colic!", "It's nothing, and then your teeth will go!". All this forms the field of fears and doubts, as if without this it is not scary and not nervous. In fact, everything is simpler and more difficult at the same time: all children and all problems turn out to be very different, but for some reason few people warn about this. Zhenya and I were very lucky. It sounds like bragging, but in reality it's more like a breath of relief from a poker player who has the missing ace on the river. While we were waiting for it to be now, like with friends - getting up at 5 am and the song is finished - she slept until 12, sometimes until one o'clock. Colic was shorter and less traumatic than anything I heard about them. But there were no predicted moments that really made people worry: a three-day boycott of the breast immediately after birth, an almost six-month absence of the necessary "Pentax" vaccine in the country, a two-month correction of improper adduction of the feet with the help of gypsum "boots."
Of course, our regime has changed, but I can not say that dramatically. For example, now we are watching a movie not for one evening, but for two. But the most amazing thing is that I get enough sleep in 80% of cases. It can be said that the changes are more likely associated with the long-awaited appearance of the regime and system. Many people talk about the lack of communication with friends and socialization in the first year after birth, but we have never been avid party-goers and prefer to cook dinner and lay our nest on the sofa for a movie or a book. Evening is a time when you can’t run away from a child and you can’t leave it to anyone, but Zhenya can only pack with breastfeeding for a while (and expressed milk from a bottle does not recognize). However, all the first months of her life fell on the dead season by the standards of concert life in Moscow - I never had to bite my elbows.
Perhaps the main challenge for me was the refusal to work. Throughout my pregnancy, I could hardly imagine how I could release these reins. It was difficult: having gone on maternity leave, I spent a whole hour until “Picnic” continued to stubbornly plow out of the house for several hours, although the affairs were transferred to reliable hands. As a prevention of stagnation and bed soreness in winter, she joined a small project of friends, which ended just a couple of weeks ago. Returning to work at least the first 1.5 years, however, I do not plan.
Trips are another sacrifice of a new status and a new life: earlier it was possible to go somewhere several times a year. Before the pregnancy, Dima and I closed the gestalt, a ride across the west of the United States by car, and on this May break, we finally interrupted a pause with a road trip to Italy - now three of us. Even for experienced travelers like us, this is a level up and a new wonderful world, where the restaurant has to be in the "fell-out" mode, and in the car sometimes listen to Italian operas performed by the daughter.
What has truly changed in life is the attitude towards the impossibility of controlling everything. Crashes even in the most built-up system are unavoidable, and it helps a hell of a lot if there is a person who can catch you and replace you before you feel like a terrible mother and monster. In this sense, I was incredibly lucky with Dima (in general, it turns out that I was very lucky) - we get really partner parenthood. The diaper changes the one who can replace it at the moment. Three-hour laying down is done in shifts for 20-30 minutes. Bathing before bed is father's patrimony, because strong hands and not so sore backs, meals during the day are my mother's, because for five weekdays in the week a hand will get stuck in a spoon with porridge even in the wheel of a bicycle between the spokes.
But all changes, large or small, are dimming compared with some new, fourth dimension of reality, which opens with the advent of the child. Watching a child’s knowledge of the world and himself 24 hours a day is exciting and it’s like reading a good detective with a dashing intrigue. The joint experience of what is happening with a partner makes you a little conspirators, a little crazy and becomes a trigger for some kind of sincerity in relationships: everything eliminates the most terrible colic, sleepless nights, a year without a vacation and a fifth pause in watching a movie in the evening.
DMITRIY
With the advent of a child, you often want to speed up and slow down time at the same time.
How much does life change with the advent of the child? Yes, strongly, without a doubt. But to be afraid here, as they say, late. Well, or early, if the children are still being planned. In any case, it is much easier for us than for our parents: in the age of disposable diapers, disposable diapers, washing machines and dishwashers in every apartment, multi-cooker, radio and video, and ubiquitous home delivery, the appearance of a child doesn’t add up to that and many new worries. The amount of free time all this, however, does not increase - it just gives you the opportunity to maximally free your hands from everyday life. And all the free time one way or another takes a child.
To “prepare” for the inevitable changes in life, in my opinion, there is little meaning: both changes and new discoveries are different for everyone here. For me, the most unexpected difficulty so far, probably, was the fragmentation of time into small segments no more than a couple of hours. The rhythm of your life adapts to the "piecewise" rhythm of the child's life, and this is certainly logical, but before Eugene appeared, I did not even think about these rhythms and about the inevitability of constant changes of context.
However, I won’t be surprised if in a couple of years I’m missing this ragged rhythm, the most unexpected discovery for me was that with the advent of a child I often want to speed up and slow down time at the same time. “I’d rather see how she matured” - and at the same time “let her not mature any longer”.
Xenia, Aglaia and Ilya
XENIA TUNIC 22 years old, motion designer
Ilya Buzinov 24 years old, motion designer, cartoon artist
AHLAYA 1 year and 2 months
KSENIYA
Decree for me - the opportunity to exhale and look around, to understand where to go next
My pregnancy was unplanned and happened in a rather tense period of life when I had to constantly be torn between work and study. I studied until the sixth month, but I worked until the eighth — so I didn’t prepare much, I just thought that at last I could have plenty of rest (haha). In general, I have never seen myself as a young mother - and now I think that it is still better to be financial first. The decree for me is the opportunity to exhale and look around, to understand where to go next, especially now there is a good reason to think quickly. So I do not regret anything.
The first two months after the birth I was sad and hard: my head was stuffed with various nonsense, I constantly thought that my baby and I were disturbing everyone, that the wheelchair was wrong, that everything was wrong, and the whole subsequent life suddenly seemed completely hopeless. Now it's even funny to remember this. We continue to meet with friends, go to exhibitions and events, even more than before the birth of Aglaia. Previously, this constantly lacked the strength and time, now the desire to diversify everyday wins.
I manage to find time for practicing computer graphics, but, of course, I would like more. Most of all I miss work.Here, one after another, there are materials about cool working mothers, the image of a modern heroine with a baby and a startup is, of course, my unattainable ideal. So far I have managed to intercept only a couple of freelancers and make a clip to a friend. So getter we have Ilya.
It seems to me that the appearance of Aglaia strongly rallied us with Ilya. A child is not always easy and joyful, but Ilya's calmness and patience help us cope with all difficulties. Thanks to my family, I am learning not to whine and not get angry, but these sins hindered me terribly while I was still working and studying. But no matter how much you read or write about parenthood, all the same, everything will be different for you, it is impossible to imagine all this wave of new feelings, thoughts and anxieties falling on you.
ILYA
If a child had appeared a year or two earlier, I would have been horrified
I have always lived with the thought that I will have a child, but someday in the gray-haired future. Although I always liked young parents: when children are twenty and parents are forty — almost a generation and a look. Actually, that's what happened. We did not plan a child, but to some extent I was ready. If this had happened a year or two earlier, I would have been horrified, I had neither the skills nor the profession, I don’t talk about the moral side.
For me, first of all, the material question was important, since we are not Muscovites and upbringing does not allow me to sit on the neck of my parents. For a long time no one was told about the child: I didn’t know how my friends and relatives would take it all, I was afraid a little (as it turned out, in vain - everyone gave such great support, I didn’t even expect it), they wanted to arrange everything, and then announce the news. A neighbor in a hostel for a long time did not understand why I was looking for an apartment - I said that I was just tired of living here. When I told my mother (and said on the phone) that Ksyusha was pregnant, at first she didn’t understand what we were going to do, but when I realized that we decided to leave the child, I was delighted.
In general, Aglaia’s birth really concentrated on me, before that I had no idea about time management, my work doesn’t imply a clear schedule, and I could get up at 11 am or 2 pm, not like now. The child in this regard is very tonic.
Mark, Hannah and Vika
Vika Boyarsky 29 years old, cook and journalist
MARK BOYARSKY 31 years old, photographer
HANNA 11 months
VIKA
I was worried about how Mark would feel towards Hannah. And now, when I see that he really loves - it's just space
The appearance of Hannah for us is one hundred percent planned and long-awaited story. During pregnancy, I read dozens of books about parenthood, health, parenting, development and psychology of children. For me, immersion in the topic turned out to be addictive and enjoyable, and so far this is a huge area of my interest. Nevertheless, I was preparing for the appearance of a child as the end of life. I was sure that I would not see the white light, I would always want to sleep, it would probably be difficult for me to perform the routine chore of caring for a baby, then it turns out that motherhood annoys me at all, I cannot combine it with work, I will start myself, I will like my husband, I will fall into the postpartum depression, we will not have enough money for food and diapers - in general, I seriously considered all the terrible scenarios at once. And I was very afraid that the baby would be born and for some reason I would not love her at first sight.
But everything turned out differently. The first morning after Hannah was born, I looked at her, and tears flowed from my eyes, she was so pretty. I could not understand why people do not give birth to children in a row non-stop. She said to Mark: “We immediately need more children, I don’t have enough of her alone, it’s too cool to stop.” By inertia, I continued to wait for something to go wrong and torment would begin. But Hannah slept, ate, slept again, put on weight, learned to smile. When she was three weeks old, we went to the “Poster Picnic” and got there all day from start to finish. I could not believe that we got a "gift" child. Of course, we had both sleepless nights, and rises at five in the morning, and the hated fireproof three extra kilos are still with me, but I can definitely say that I have never been so happy in my life as now when we have Hannah
As for the work, everything for me, too, was quite successful. A few years before pregnancy, I changed my profession, for the most part I left journalism and worked as a cook at Delicatessen. During the pregnancy, this case had to be abandoned: it turned out that it was too hard to stand on the whole ten-hour working day, and Mark and I wanted to spend several months before Hannah appeared in Asia, to travel together in the last two. Therefore, I returned to writing work - money brings my skill enough. To work full time for someone else besides myself, I would no longer be: firstly, it’s too important for me to be close to Hannah, and secondly, I think I’ve matured for some more personal professional history.
With the advent of the child an interesting thing happens: I call it to myself "the third eye has opened." I first encountered the fact that you can feel to someone feeling completely intuitive. We choose partners, favorite work, friends, being adult thinking people, loaded with their own ideas about the world, logic, common sense. You see the child for the first time, and some unreal avalanche of feelings is covering you, dictated by hormones, instinct and something else that the mind does not affect at all. In this state, you begin to look at other aspects of your life in a completely different way, learn to listen to these intuitive sensations, recognize them in your relationship with your husband, and at the moment when you take up some new project at work, and just when you walk down the street. For an ultra-rational person like me, this is like a vaccine, the body receives a dose of intuition, and some other level of perception of reality starts up after that.
I was worried about which Mark would make a father. I did not doubt his responsibility, that he would help and try, that our family would remain a priority for him. But she could not know how he would feel towards Hannah, whether he would love her. And now, when I see that he really loves, it’s just space. I am very lucky that Mark gives me the opportunity to relax, while I do not feel psychologically any discomfort, leaving Hannah with him. We divide all the responsibilities of caring for her roughly in half. I feed and put to bed, just because I can do it quickly and easily, Mark walks, plays, gives me the opportunity to work or go about my business and not think that something can go wrong.
The idea that you can somehow arrange something so that life does not change due to the appearance of a child is alien to me. Firstly, why then do you need a child if parents want to make sure that he doesn’t strain as much as possible and doesn’t affect the usual course of things? I am very good at chayldfri: I think that people who don’t go on about giving agitation, pouring out of each iron on us, as well as those who don’t have children, simply because the clock is ticking, are honest with themselves and able to sensibly understand people in life. I see the essence of love in change, in overcoming, in refusing to think only about the needs of my ego. I truly believe that parents should give the child the opportunity to cry at night, hang on their hands, demand non-stop attention - and give it all to him, because otherwise he simply will not be able to grow up healthy and happy.
MARK
We have lost the opportunity to be together and have not yet found a way to compensate for this.
The birth of Hannah changed our lives very much. Everything, except for my work, has become different, even if it can be formally called the same words - from global things, like traveling abroad, to a basic joint breakfast.
Pregnancy was planned and long-awaited. We have long wanted to have a child and eventually made IVF. We went to the courses for young parents, and they prepared the house, and bought furniture. Almost all the key decisions in the selection of things related to the child, I trusted my wife. Because he knew that it was important for her. And I just chose not to form my own point of view, so that then there would be no unnecessary disputes.
I can not say for my wife, but I will say for myself: it turned out that the things we were preparing for, in practice, are very different from the ideas about them. Having not physically experienced those feelings that fill you when every morning you see a little person with a gun on his head and eyes wide open, it is impossible to imagine them. At least a hundred times read about it. And when you first hear the voice of a child, and when a child grabs you with a pen by your finger, and just laughs. This is all very exciting. This is a joy. The same is about fatigue after several months of early ups, the inability to go together even to the cinema, not to mention a party with friends, but what is there - to lie in bed on Sunday morning and watch the series. From this sometimes sad.
We almost stopped traveling to the country for a whole year (it’s not comfortable enough with a baby), I gave up running and exercising in the morning (the last is my own laziness), choosing the direction for a trip abroad, we start from where it will be comfortable with the baby ( eat baby). But the saddest thing is that we have lost the opportunity to be together. And, alas, I can not say that we have found a way to compensate for this. On the contrary, whenever possible I try to unload Vika, and she me: we get up in the morning to have breakfast in turn and at least once a day go for a walk together with my daughter, giving the second a nap or just being alone.
I knew about many things in advance: that my wife would be at home with the baby, that I would try to help her to walk and that I would like it. What I did not think about - so that this will actually become my only personal time and will be replaced by running. Well, yes, I could not expect that all the meetings with friends would now turn into a discussion of children and running around for them, only the messengers on the phone remain for conversations on serious topics and friendly talk. If I turned out for the last year at all kinds of night / evening events, then only at work. I was lucky that the work provides such diverse opportunities for expanding horizons and the absence of a routine.
Our parents come to play or take a walk with their granddaughter on average once a week for a couple of hours, they are active and busy. In general, we alone are engaged in Hannah. Everything suits me, although I would like my wife to trust our grandparents more. And so that they show more confidence in what they are doing to her.
Probably, I am not sufficiently inclined to self-digging and reflection in order to answer well the question that I realized / discovered in myself, in life, in relations with my wife. I have always been home and family, even with friends I preferred to sit at home, chat and play board games or watch a movie and not go to a noisy party. This has not changed. I am a happy man. I feel that way for many years. I really appreciate and love my wife. She is a great mom.
Of course, like any parents, we made mistakes, but it is too early to judge them - the daughter is too small. The only thing that I would definitely change was my first night alone with her in the family room of the maternity hospital. I was afraid to take her in my arms and left her in a transparent plastic cradle. She slept quietly or just lay, and I looked at her in the dark, but did not take it.
Ivan, Kostya, Anna and Grisha
ANNA TETERINA 30 years old, an Internet advertising specialist
IVAN TETERIN 28 years old, civil servant
KOSTYA and Grisha 2 years
ANNA
I still remember the helplessness that you feel when two children cry and want in their arms, but you have to choose one
My pregnancy was very welcome and came almost immediately after our wedding. I learned that I was pregnant, on the day when I received my passport for a new name. After some time - that there will be twins. It looked like this: I came to the ultrasound at a stern uncle doctor who first told me horror stories, then frowned at the monitor screen for a long time and finally asked something like: "Do you want a child?" "Very," I answered honestly. "And two?" - and then I, of course, burst into tears. I have always dreamed of twins, but I never thought that this could become a reality. Then I read a lot on the forums of moms of twins that, having learned about twins, they experienced conflicting feelings: joy, horror, fear, and anxiety that they would not cope. My feelings were so unambiguous that I don’t even know if I even had such pure joy in my life as at that moment.
Throughout the pregnancy, I felt like I hit the jackpot. I was pregnant, and even two children. It seemed to me and my husband that it was unreal luck and reason for great pride. Although I was diagnosed with the rarest and most dangerous type of twins, making up only 1% of all multiple pregnancies, I recall my pregnancy as a very pleasant, meaningful time. I understood that, probably, it will not be easy for us when children are born. My parents live in another city, my husband's parents work a lot, we ourselves then lived in a one-room apartment. But all these thoughts, oddly enough, occupied me little. People often say that pregnant women become stupid, stop noticing the world around, but I think that there is some kind of program inherent in nature. I wanted to take out and give birth to my children healthy, except for this, then nothing bothered me at all.
Did I wear pink glasses? Probably. Although I still can not say that I experienced some unrealistic difficulties that would make me treat this differently. The most difficult thing was, of course, that there were two children. I came up with the term “deto-juggling”: I still remember the helplessness that you feel when two of your little children cry and want in their arms, but you need to choose someone one. Fortunately, this period passed quickly.
Before the birth of my sons, I somehow did not think about how I would distinguish them. I quietly laughed, reading about how moms draw green or tie colorful strings to distinguish identical twins. In fact, it turned out that this is really not easy, especially when you sleep a little. This gave rise to a whole series of jokes in our family: “the main thing is not to feed the same thing twice,” “all cats are black in the dark” and “the mother doesn’t distinguish”. There is also such a professional joke about the mother of twins, who shouts to her children: "Whoever you are, stop it immediately!" That's how it goes.
After the birth of children and the husband and parents helped a lot. It seems that I avoided post-natal depression mainly because everyone tried to support me and gave me the opportunity to be alone when it was necessary. Of course, my husband and I experienced a new period of lapping, already as parents of two children. They say that it is especially difficult for men in the first months after the birth of a baby, because a woman has a biological love for children, largely due to hormonal background, and for men it is social and really comes much later. I think this is true, but Vanya was most involved in this process. From an early age he was not afraid to be alone with them. When I returned to work, our children were 1.5 years old, and we even thought about him taking maternity leave and sitting with the guys for a while. We later abandoned this idea, but I am even sorry. I think he would have done well.
Perhaps my only disappointment was that motherhood does not give any answers. Deep down, I was sure that motherhood would reveal to me some new truth, a new one for me. In fact, I just had two people whom I love very much and that I want to take care of. Of course, some priorities have changed, but all the questions that I had for myself, for life, for the universe remained unchanged, they did not dare. They became even more.
Now children for me are primarily joy, and then responsibility, fatigue and everything else. People without children sometimes ask about where I take strength, although I rather think about where those who have no children take strength. It seems to me that living without children is very boring. Yes, there is a movie, wine and dominoes, but in fact all this is very monotonous. I think that in a person’s life there are not too many truly deep experiences, even fewer of them are positive. Of course, children take a lot of energy, a lot of time, but in return they give something that is difficult to describe in words.
IVAN
There were moments when I was waiting for a trip to work to rest. At the same time, after work, I still wanted to return to the children rather
I have long tried on the role of the father and modeled different situations, so the birth of children was natural for me. I was preparing to sleep a little, there would be more expenses, responsibility and so on. It was difficult to understand what exactly to prepare for: if with one child it is still more or less clear, then the twins introduced uncertainty. It was difficult for me to realize, for example, that we would lose so much mobility. If before my wife and I could break off and go somewhere next weekend, now every trip is planned for six months.
Probably, I fully realized that life had changed, only 5-6 months after their birth. At first it seemed to me that all changes were temporary. As if lovely, but very noisy relatives came to live with us. Soon they will leave (or rather, grow up a bit) and we will heal as before. It seemed to me that this "as before" is generally possible. The children made me more cautious about their decisions, their plans. My relationship with my wife, it seems to me, has gained a greater awareness, although initially it was difficult for me to accept the fact that now most of the love and attention goes not to me, but to the children.
Had to sacrifice personal time and personal space. There were moments when I was waiting for a trip to work as an opportunity to rest. At the same time, I still always wanted to return to them after work. I think I began to appreciate Anya more, her dedication, patience, initiative.She constantly stir up the water, inventing different activities and traditions for the family, and this works together. In domestic terms, of course, new habits also appeared. For example, we began to watch TV shows. Previously, it seemed to me that the series is the lot of housewives, but with small children it is an ideal opportunity to relax and switch in a short time.
Looking back, I would not do anything differently. It seems to me that my time as a parent has not yet come fully. Young children still relate more to women. A man can only help or not help her. Only now the sleepless nights are finally becoming a thing of the past, and the children gradually begin to speak, to explain their desires. I think that when they grow up, when it will be possible to communicate with them, to teach something, I will realize my fatherhood in a new way.
Cyril, Plato and Irina
IRINA SEATLOVA 28 years old, doctor
CYRIL SEATTLES 26 years old, comedian and producer of "Evening Show"
PLATO 1 year 4 months
IRINA
During the night awakenings of the child, we worked as a team of special agents: every movement, a half-look - all in a single bundle
Two years ago, two weeks before a positive pregnancy test, I signed a contract involving study and work in Germany for seven years. Tickets were purchased, an application for dismissal is written, documents for a visa are collected. The decision to move was not easy, and the news about pregnancy was shocking. My husband and I thought that children are not about us now, this is after dissertations, buying their own homes, in years! Now it seems to me that we easily made the decision to abandon the move and surrendered to the flow of change. Pregnancy was easy and beautiful, I worked in the hospital almost to the birth and collected compliments. We traveled a lot that year, walked, hugged, breathed every day.