The Princess and the Pea: Why spoiled children do not exist
There are many approaches to parenting., but one idea can be traced in most cases: none of the parents want their child to be (or seemed to be around) "spoiled." What do modern fathers and mothers invest in this concept? How to prevent the usurpation of power in the family by a “little despot” without depriving the child of joys and without driving him into strict limits? We understand what is commonly understood as pampered and how to find a middle ground in raising a child.
Sweet and Tooth
Extreme selectivity in food, indiscriminate nutrition, excessive consumption of sweets - all of this is recorded in the asset "pampered." Often, in this matter, the leading role of grandparents, who really feed the grandchildren, because for them often something to bother is the key position in the list of “what to please”. In the grandmother's menu you can find pancakes or pancakes with honey, and semolina, generously flavored with jam, and cakes in butter or homemade cakes with cream, and just a kilogram of sweets. "Totally spoiled the child!" - parents are outraged. Are they right? Or cakes before, after or instead of "healthy" dishes do not pose any problem?
Of course, episodic ice cream instead of lunch does not harm; It is important to try to form a system in which the child eats in a balanced manner - and which can sometimes be happy to break. And here you need to understand: food should not be an instrument of encouragement or punishment. Candy as a reward for the top five in school or the absence of tears in the doctor's office is a sure way to eating disorders in the future. It is better to arrange small gastronomic holidays for no reason, going on a weekend with the whole family to have breakfast with eclairs just like that, and not as a reward for success.
Nutriciologist Masha Budrite says that children need a balanced diet that brings energy and is necessary for the growth and development of the substance. More importantly, the fact that at this stage habits are laid down - and how the child eats and his surroundings will largely determine his health in the future. The best ways to make healthy eating a habit are to lead by example and explain. Meals are best done family, eat at the table without haste; even a very young child can be told interesting facts about the products so that the food is not boring.
If the child refuses something or does not want to eat at all, do not force him or punish him. A healthy child will not go hungry - you just need to give him the opportunity to have a snack with something useful. But it is important to be attentive to trifles and not to write off everything “harmful” or whims: the psychotherapist Ekaterina Sigitova notes that excessive selectivity in food can be a sign of anxiety that a child is experiencing, and it is important to recognize this condition in a timely manner.
WHO data, the Harvard Food Pyramid, or the Eatwell plate system of the British Health System can help with diet planning. Such an illustration can be hung in a prominent place - the child will be interested - and you should also familiarize her with grandmothers or other “nursing” relatives. As for fast food and sweets - by the efforts of marketers, such food looks more attractive than “normal”, and with children it works especially effectively. Both bright colors, packaging, direct and hidden advertising, as well as "bonuses" play a role - for example, toys that a child receives with food.
An interesting example from Canada: in the province of Quebec in the 1980s, a law was passed that prohibited any advertising aimed at children under the age of thirteen. The study showed that this led to a significant decrease in the consumption of fast food among local children compared to their peers in other provinces. But if we can’t do anything with advertising, we can explain to children why it shouldn’t be abused with such food and instill healthy habits in them.
The history of toys
Many parents are familiar with this situation: every trip to the store or going out to the street, where not all the tents have been demolished, turns into a hysteric about buying a hundred thousandth machine, pony, doll or lizuna. It happens otherwise: you do not seem to buy toys, but the apartment is littered with them - give relatives, give friends, bring guests. Children play with each new toy for several minutes, after which it is abandoned. Everything is ambiguous: on the one hand, I do not want to raise an insatiable consumer, on the other - children who do not have a lack of toys, just grow up with a calm attitude to the material and value interesting experience more things. Artemy Lebedev, the father of ten children, writes in his own way that the experience is more interesting than toys.
Psychologist Inna Pasechnik notes that “to overwhelm” a child’s toys is bad only when their purchase replaces high-quality warm emotional communication - that is, when adults “pay off” with gifts. This can be seen on the example of orphanages: becoming a sponsor and bringing a bunch of expensive gadgets is easier than finding the time to socialize with difficult children. In this case, the child quickly begins to understand that you will not achieve true spiritual interaction from an adult - but he can be an excellent “cash cow”; it affects the worldview and contributes to a consumer attitude towards other people in the future.
There is nothing wrong with buying a child a lot of toys if it happens against the background of warm confidential relations, in an atmosphere of love and affection. Nevertheless, it is useful for the child to feel the value of what they are buying for him - otherwise an idea can be formed that you can get everything you want without effort. It is important that the child understand that a new machine will not appear in exchange for a broken one instantly. It makes sense to introduce restrictions: for example, the rule "we buy a new machine once a month."
Practically from any age you can explain to a child that toys cost money, and money is earned by work - and when age allows you to give out pocket money, rules will also be required for them. For example: "Every Monday you get N rubles - and this is your pocket money for the week." It is advisable to give them not a single piece of paper, but small bills or coins - so it is easier for a child to plan and control spending. To convey to children the essence of informed and responsible consumption, it makes sense from an early age to slowly involve them in activities such as collecting waste paper or plastic for recycling. Charity campaigns, such as #kind_caps, are understandable even to young children and allow them to feel involved with something useful and important - and this is the foundation of the future value system.
Gadgets, cartoons and self control
Since many smartphones and tablets have appeared in many, the debate about the benefits and harms of the digital environment for children has not stopped. Probably the answer here lies in moderation. Writing a tablet or turning on cartoons for a child for a while while you are preparing dinner is one thing. It is completely different to keep it uncontrollably one-on-one with content of dubious quality. After a long time in front of the screen, children often become nervous, irritated, and sometimes even aggressive - although there are amazing “self-regulating” children who voluntarily make the decision to end the game or watch cartoons and quietly part with the tablet or phone.
Inna Pasechnik talks about these studies: children who have good emotional contact with their parents and at the same time free access to gadgets use the latter much less frequently than those whom parents try to control (or pretend to control). The psychologist says that she personally met small children who at some point put off the tablet or say: "Mom, take the tablet from me, I can not stop, but I still need to do my lessons." But addictive children are almost always those who have some kind of emotional distress, a kind of hunger, which they seek to satisfy with food or the digital world.
See nothing, hear nothing
“My eldest daughter is ten years old,” says Alexandra, a mother of three children, “and over the years my parents have successfully put themselves in the caretaker’s place. She’s“ difficult ”to clean, help cook, say thanks - just a princess on a pea. she needs something — red carpets will fall under her feet, and two pensioners will buy and give anything they want, although they will come to their senses with increased pressure for two more days. Their irrational expenses make me mad: souvenirs to my daughter’s friends for mad money, expensive "disposable" shoes. C my point of view, pamperedness is precisely that attitude. "
Gadgets, sweets and toys are just the tip of the "spoiled" iceberg. A much more serious problem is extreme egocentrism, emotional deafness, lack of empathy. In this case, the child simply does not think about other people and their feelings, it does not occur to him to take into account the needs and desires of others. Here you can start “nurturing feelings” from a very young age, with books and films whose heroes can be condoled while acutely reliving the pain of others. "Ugly Duckling", "Oliver Twist", "Polianna", "Girl with matches", "Without family", "Miserable", "White Poodle" - the choice depends on the age and sensitivity of a particular child. Of course, it is important not to injure him at the same time - but in general such works teach you to empathize, leaving an imprint for the rest of your life.
For teenagers, documentaries like “Blood, Sweat and T-shirts” or “Blood, Sweat and Takeaways” can be useful, in which heroes - spoiled young British - are sent to developing countries to visit the production of clothes from the mass market and participate in industrial food processing.
Inna Pasechnik explains that it is possible to teach children to think about the feelings of others by example: first of all, parents themselves should notice his feelings, show understanding and empathy. You can also, for example, at dinner tell about your day - for example, about what difficulties were at work, how you quarreled with your boss, got upset, but then overcame everything. This helps the children to see that you are also a living person who is capable of grieving. You can and should talk about feelings: if you can not agree with the child, honestly tell him that you are offended, upset, and right now you want to take a pause in communication.
Why boundaries matter
As a rule, the external signs of "spoiled" - disobedience, stubbornness, whims - are associated with the lack of clear boundaries permissible. In matters of upbringing, society periodically goes to extremes: the Soviet system of walking was replaced by the system, when nothing was impossible, a generation of parents came to meet the child in all his desires. There are downsides to both systems. Continuous restrictions lead to the fact that the child does not understand what needs he has, does not understand his feelings - and can not make decisions and make a choice at all. When a person decides everything, he loses an active position, feeling himself “furniture” without energy and motivation.
But the conditions when everything is done as the child wants are also not the most prosperous. A parent is a security guarantor who defines boundaries and says what is possible and what is not. So he shows strength and takes responsibility for the life of the child, his moral values. If a child has too much responsibility, this is an unbearable burden that can lead to increased anxiety. Sometimes “bad” behavior is just an attempt to get a strong and intelligible reaction from an adult to make sure that the parent is there, he is strong and able to keep everything under control. Defining the boundaries in the child's behavior helps him orient himself in the world, gives a sense of security and prepares for adulthood.
Inna Pasechnik says that, unfortunately, the ratings of others - "a spoiled, ill-mannered child!" - often sound in relation to children with special needs. She explains that in some cases, the inconsistency with the norms of behavior and rules, the inability to accept the word "cannot" are associated with the peculiarities of the child's psyche and physiology. It is difficult for such children to “correctly” respond to the environment - for example, a child may approach a stranger, ask a frank question, take a thing without asking. In some children, emotionality and impulsivity are increased, while others, for example, with highly functional autism, hardly read the emotional signals of those around them. Therefore, outside observers who mentally label "capricious" and "spoiled" on some child should remember that not all features are visible to the naked eye.
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