How to get out of a relationship where you are bullied?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to get out of a relationship where you are bullied?
It seems to us that there is no violence nearby. That in good families or even just in pairs a man does not raise a hand against a woman, because this is a relic of the past. Lack of awareness makes us blind and deaf, and when we get into the situation of domestic violence, we are hampered by a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. What is the nature of violence and how to deal with it?
OLGA MILORADOVA psychotherapist
There are things that you think about: it can happen to anyone, but not to me. And in general, it would seem, in our time, the phrase "beats - it means love" can only cause a skeptical smile, and domestic violence is all about some distant patriarchal countries, where a woman without a hijab doesn’t go out on the street. Despite the visions of science fiction writers (who, by the way, were often right) about the future of women in the 21st century - from childhood to communicate with dolphins on myelofon and fight with space pirates - the reality is that every third woman in Russia is subjected to some form of violence ( both physical and psychological) from their partner. And if psychological violence may not be so obvious, then why don't those of us who are beaten up run away from the aggressor, as far as possible, at the first opportunity?
The main problem is that the person will not show himself as a torturer initially - hardly anyone will beat a woman on the first date. Relationship violence is forming slowly and gradually, and it is very important to try to figure out what happened between two people such that from two happy lovers they turned into a victim and a monster. The most typical relationships built on violence develop according to the principle of so-called educated helplessness. It is about consolidating the power of a man over a woman, which is accompanied by the destruction of her self-esteem, suggesting to her the idea that she does not represent anything, and she, so gray and homely, was very lucky to be with such an excellent example of masculinity as he. And the higher in this situation it is possible to gain a foothold of him, the lower will be her self-esteem and the more helpless and vulnerable she will become. It is not necessary at all to be straightforward gross insults, it can also be a very delicate and highly intellectual work on the systematic destruction of a woman’s self-esteem, which only complicates the ability to objectively assess what is happening.
To regain control of your life, you need to regain your former self-confidence.
It is all the more terrible if this situation develops on a “favorable” basis - when a woman, due to some circumstances, really found herself in a situation of dependence on a man. Leaving work, perhaps, he also initiated, giving birth, moving to an unfamiliar for her, but comfortable environment for him, etc. - with all such options, helplessness will increase significantly and may lead to complete paralysis of the woman’s will, making her more unprotected, passive, incapable and unwilling to do anything. It is important to note that these relationships are most often not endless hell and are intermittent in nature with bright intervals - with declarations of love, carrying on their hands and other manifestations of insane feelings. This makes a woman believe that everything will change and improve, and forms in her emotions, which, because of their intensity, make her convinced that this is really stormy and fiery love. But this is by no means love. In essence, this relationship pattern is reminiscent of what is formed with all the well-known Stockholm syndrome.
On the basis of all this, we will try to understand what emotions prevent us from escaping from the vicious circle. What are the reasons why women remain in such a relationship, despite the fact that in such situations it is necessary to report to the police? First of all, powerlessness. To regain control of your life, you need to gain former confidence in yourself. You can make a list of your positive qualities and achievements, remember your strengths. This list can be used as a lifeline whenever you want to slide back into self-deprecation. The support from friends, parents, maybe a psychological counselor is very important. However, we must realize that it is best to seek support from those who believe in you and your independence, for example, if your parents like to reproach you with the fact that without them you would not have achieved anything in life, then it is clear that they are not the ones you need in this situation.
If you were so terrible, he could just leave, but who gave him the right to "punish"?
Then the feeling of guilt interferes. Perhaps your partner is a skilled manipulator and made you believe that it is because of you that the situation is as it is, and you all deserve it? Or maybe you, as a rational person, understand that two people are involved in relationships and they have not always been an angel either? Perhaps you even tried to gain former confidence on the side and cheated on your partner? Whatever the case and whatever happens, none of your actions can be a cause for violence. If you were so terrible, he could just leave, but who gave him the right to "punish"?
Fear. Despite the horror of the situation, it may seem that change will not bring anything good. In addition, when a woman suddenly starts to get out of control, she shakes the power structure that has formed in the relationship, which terrifies her partner, she is afraid of losing control and often begins to threaten and squeeze even harder to return the old lines. In no case can you give in to these threats - if you give up the slack, there are chances that the winged winger with a new victory will tighten the screws even more. If you are seriously afraid of threats - go to the police, hide from your friends, in a crisis center, in any case there is a way to overcome possible obstacles.
Shame. Many cannot cope with the situation themselves, but, on the other hand, they are not ready to ask for help. Because it is not customary for us to take litter from the hut, and then how to look after neighbors, colleagues or anyone else, and in general there is always the fear that when applying to any services you can gain the stigma of the mentally ill. It is also unpleasant for many to admit to being a victim. But until you get rid of the situation, you will be forced to remain in this sense of shame all the time and hide something. It is not necessary to consider yourself a victim, on the contrary, overcoming violence requires enormous strength and you should consider yourself rather as a winner. To overcome the trauma inflicted by such a relationship, it is very important to regain the love of self, accept yourself, recognize your uniqueness. It is important to understand that, despite the help of anyone, this path you have to go on your own. It is impossible to correct the situation with domestic violence, such a relationship is a total hell from which to get out.