Everything is difficult: How to understand that you are together
Text: Sonya Margulis
And you could not ... Not that something is wrong - just in case. Just to be sure. Well, take some tests.
So you have a partner?
The face of the doctor stupidly sticks out between my bare, upturned legs. A questioning look is fixed on me. I carefully consider the squares on the ceiling in the office.
How is it "appeared"? In what sense? And how do I know? The partner is very serious. For example, when it is possible to go together to Auchan and throw in a single cart packaging of toilet paper, yogurt, chicken Petelinka and a sponge for washing dishes. Or tell in the evening how the day went. Or a ride on the rink under the arm - with idiotic smiles, as in the Soviet cinema. Or go to sleep, throwing his leg on someone else. Or remember by heart the phone number. Or…
Got it. Take what I think is necessary. (The doctor lowers his head and takes off his gloves.)
Where, in essence, is the boundary between relationships and what can later grow into them?
Once we went to the movies. I do not even remember what we saw. Because inside the sang stretched string, because the whole session I was waiting for, when he put his hand on my hand, because his eyes could not see anything. Well, sorry, to hell with all this female prose - it was just terribly nice and exciting. Then we drank in a bar nearby. You know, at the very beginning, when you feel a lot or are holding back very much, you don’t need much: one long look is no worse than an orgasm (I really think so). So, we were sitting, and sparks from the cross glances and knees trembled. A few more times we walked, skipping work and posting in the instagram the most strange and ridiculous trivia. Once he invited me to a concert. Every day began with "How are you there?" and ended with "Kiss." Well, this is exactly the relationship, how else?
Once I met a girlfriend - the one who called me to the very party. We again talked, decided to meet and how to chat. Usually such conversations are not crowned with anything, except perhaps a slight feeling of guilt from laziness to go somewhere and, as a result, irritation. But at the end of the week we sat in the “Nura”, drank a cocktail with vanilla vodka and discussed the work. An hour later, we switched to whiskey and began to talk about life. Loneliness, lack of prospects, the desire to go abroad - in general, one of those conversations, during which there is a desire to be home as soon as possible and that smoothly turn into a discussion of personal life (at this moment the desire to run away becomes even more acute). She began:
You see, there is one, but nothing will happen to him. Oh, yes? I did not know. Who? Did you not know? It seems to me that everything has been in the know for a long time. No, I have not heard anything. Well, we have been meeting with N. for three years. True, everything is very difficult.
Probably, it is necessary to somehow portray surprise. Or sympathy. And do not reach for a cigarette - I threw two years ago. And remove this frozen expression from the face.
Why is it difficult? Yes, he did not go away with his common-law wife. There is also a child there. A year and a half, he thought. Then he went to me. Then he returned to her again. In general, sheer drama. At the same time, I know that he really loves me. Just never be able to choose something. Okay, something I'm all about myself but about myself. Do you have something? Yes, as usual, nothing interesting. What is it! Now, I'm sorry. (She pulled the phone out of the bag and smiled mysteriously.) Oh, that’s easy: just drove by. Do you want to come with us to Solyanka? Thank you, I better finish and go to sleep. Well look. I was so glad to see you. And let's meet more often, eh?
We kissed the pharmacy "36.6", bought condoms and went to him - in a rented apartment at the "Water Stadium"
The bearded bartender was hoarse and jokingly joking about the night that had just begun. Not very young women in shiny dresses glue thick and bald men. In response, they ordered dozens of shots and told terrible jokes. Most wanted to fall through the ground. Someone put his arm around me. I turned around. H. stood next to him - three weeks ago he was flirting with me at the opening of the exhibition, after which I left with N. I drank more whiskey, and then another and more. We kissed at the "36.6" pharmacy, bought condoms and went to him - to a rented apartment at the "Water Stadium", without curtains and with linoleum on the floor. He busily and casually made love and snored, turning away from the wall. Everything swam before my eyes. Fighting nausea, I got dressed and jumped out into the street.
It was snowing - so dry, from which nothing is molded. He lay ankle-deep and spun in the light of a lantern. I got the phone: it was four in the morning, one SMS from N. and six missed calls from M., my ex-husband, who was sitting at home with the child and to whom I promised to return not too late. I did not read the SMS. M. said nothing and took me to the bed. Section, covered with a blanket. He put a glass of water by the bed, put the nurofen pill and left.
In the morning I read an SMS from N.: "Well, how are you?"
I felt the glass, washed down the pill and turned to the wall. I guess I misunderstood something. Or maybe a relationship is something completely different. Or maybe there are several of them at once - and this is normal. Or?