Instructions: How to get rid of jealousy
Jealousy is a painful feeling. Not only because it makes us suffer. It is worth admitting that you are jealous (a), as unwelcome accusations of possessiveness, low self-esteem, a passion for control and obsession with relationships fall on you. Tips jealous love to start with the word "easy." Although they are not something that is not easy to accomplish, and often impossible - “Just get distracted,” “Just find yourself a hobby,” “Just don't think about it.” This does not mean that you are doomed to suffer from jealousy all your life: to get rid of the feeling of jealousy, or at least you can weaken it. True, this will require a lot of time, internal work and, possibly, a review of their relations with a partner. We tell you where to start and how to act.
1
Give up control
You need to start with this. It doesn't matter if your jealousy is justified or not, and whether or not your partner really is interested in someone else. The first thing to do is to stop playing the dishonest game that jealousy draws you into. Control over the actions of the partner creates the illusion that you are in control of the situation. Unfortunately (or fortunately), it is not.
It doesn’t matter how you control your partner: monitor the page on social networks, get into him or her phone, hack your correspondence, or inadvertently ask: "Who did you talk to (a)?" after each call. All this in general does not affect whether a partner will change you or not. Well, or slightly increases the likelihood - if not treason, then at least, alienation. Because constant monitoring demonstrates your distrust and increases tension in a couple.
It is also sad that control works like a looped, self-reinforcing system. If in the correspondence, outgoing calls, things, something “criminal” is found, the controlling person reasonably comes to the conclusion that he was right and that means he must double his vigilance. If not, the desire to control still does not weaken: now everything is in order, but suddenly he (a) just erased (la) the message? What if the next time there? Need to be aware of.
2
Get out of the competition relationship
Jealous people are drawn into constant mental competition. Moreover, it is obviously dishonest, because only one person compares his qualities with the best qualities of a dozen more people: A. earns more, B. is very athletic, and V. is the soul of the company, not just me. Jealous men usually harbor the painful idea that they love only the best. Particularly prone to this are people in whose childhood lacked stable affection and unconditional love. Since a child cannot live without parental love, or at least hope for it, he has the idea that love must be earned, be the most special one.
Such people, having matured, really achieve a lot: they study well, take prizes at competitions or olympiads, pump muscles, achieve impressive success in their work. But it does not bring them the feeling that now they finally deserve love. The fear of losing a loved one, in which they have lived most of their lives, does not go anywhere. And it seems that the competition must be continued - in order to at least reduce these risks.
To give up constant competition is not easy, but necessary. It is possible that you will need the help of a psychotherapist. Teach yourself to think that you can and should love right now. Exactly or as you are. They love not for straight legs, perfect shape of the nails or a dizzying career. A real person has the right to be alive and different. You do not need to compete for love, and if you are undernourished, this does not mean that you have not reached a level. This means that there is an imbalance in the relationship that needs to be corrected. But in order to do this, you do not necessarily have to meet some requirements. You can start right now - so go to the third step.
3
Ask yourself what you lack in a relationship.
Jealousy can appear where there is not enough respect and security. For example, you are compared with other people, caustically criticized, make you feel worse than someone. Or your partner is constantly disappearing, slamming the door and leaving the house, using it as an argument in the dispute - and then refuses to explain where he was. This is a bad and disturbing sign. Such behavior is emotional abuse. It is perfectly normal to make a loved one aware of where and with whom we are and when we are going to return home (not every minute, of course, but within an hour or evening). If this is your case, perhaps the problem is not jealousy at all, but unhealthy relationships.
If your partner flirts with someone at a party, sends SMS or photos of playful content, interrupts your conversation for half an hour to lock yourself in the kitchen and be nice about the phone, and all this offends you - it means that your couple do not have enough clearly defined rules what is permissible and what is not. Someone calmly refers to such manifestations of attention to other people, and it hurts someone. We need to develop a general code of rules that will apply to both of you.
Comparing you, the partner draws you into a competition that you did not give consent to participate in. Try to disagree and remind yourself of this when this happens. Prepare a capacious and preferably short phrase and repeat it every time you realize that you have become a participant in the competition, for example, "Sorry, I hate to be compared." The phrases "Well, so what?" and "I do not want": "Masha has a whole house that glitters" - "So what?" - "You could also try, we do not have an apartment, but a pigsty" - "I do not want." Warning: if you know that your partner is prone to aggression and even more to physical violence, it is better not to use these tactics. Contact a psychologist or a crisis center.
If everything is not so bad and there is no direct violence in the relationship, perhaps you are missing some important component that would allow you to feel contact with a partner. It may lack completely different things: everyone has signs of attention, actions, words that are read as signs of affection and disposition. For some, these are gifts, coffee brewed in the morning, long frank conversations, special touches or sex, joint business. It is important that you know what symbols of love are for you. Feeling the lack of these signs, we perceive it as a dislike, and as a cause of cooling we often suspect someone else's fascination with something.
A typical example: a partner began to spend more time at work. You do not have enough jointly spent time, leisurely conversations and films, embraced under the rug. This causes a feeling of abandonment and, as a result, jealousy. Although the whole is not so important whether he pays attention to a new project at work or to a new, pretty employee. It is important that he does not give it to you. That's what it is worth talking about.
4
Talk openly with a partner
At the end of the "audit" it should already be clear what the conversation is about. It may be the development of joint rules of behavior: what are the limits of permissible flirting, is it possible to dance with other people at parties, are your sex relations closed to other people? Maybe you need to admit that you are very sensitive to certain manifestations of attention to third parties: someone is jealous of flattering comments about appearance, someone - to words about intellectual abilities, and someone to touching maternal or paternal care. In this case, your partner should be aware of this, so as not to hurt you.
Or you should look for and fill in the missing "signs" of affection: going to the movies or to the park on weekends, more time sharing in the evenings, regular calls, compliments, going out to the light together. It helps to make two lists for each of you: a list of actions and marks of attention of a partner that make you instantly feel loved or loved, and a "black" list of signals that, on the contrary, instantly make you experience tension, jealousy and rejection.
5
Look for other points of support
It is very helpful for jealous people to build up a sense of their own worth and sustainability. Jealousy is peculiar to those who feel uncomfortable without constant “infusions” of love and attention from outside, confirming their own exclusiveness and necessity to a partner. In general, this is normal: we all need close relationships, affection and warmth. But with jealous people, this need is often exacerbated - any threat to the integrity of the couple, real or imaginary, instantly makes them feel defenseless and unhappy.
In fact, your partner may or may not change you, flirt or not flirt with someone else - all this does not say anything about you. You are still a good, valuable and interesting person. Therefore, strengthen other points of support, besides relationships: do what you are interested in, invest in work and education, look for your own hobbies and talents, communicate with friends. You will feel better and will remove the "excessive burden" from relationships that will no longer be the only source of attention, care and support.
Photo: MUNCH! - stock.adobe.com, Pakhnyushchyy - stock.adobe.com
