Without penetration and with SMS: Why do people choose non-penetrating sex
To finish, I usually go to my partner from above and rub your crotch about her thigh. This sexual practice is called “rabbing” and refers to non-invasive types of sex - that is, different sex activities that do not imply vaginal or anal penetration. In general, weasels outside the genitals are called contact non-penetrative sex, and sex by video chatting, sexting, or jerking talk is non-contact sex.
Women, men and people of other identities practice non-penetrating sex for a variety of reasons, both due to their physiological characteristics and to diversify their sex life. Most women, for example, according to research data, need to stimulate the clitoris head to increase pleasure and achieve orgasm. At the same time, sex without penetration is rarely spoken of and even less often viewed as “full-fledged”. Why do people have non-penetrative sex? Is it possible to consider such sex "real" and what to say to a partner if you do not want to engage in vaginal sex?
The article tells about non-vaginal practices associated with the stimulation of the vulva and the term "woman" is used. However, not all women have vulva, and not all men with vulva are women. The techniques described in the article may also be appropriate for some non-binary and transgender people.
Text: Sasha Kazantseva, leading telegram channel "washed hands"
Who has sex without penetration
For a long time I did not practice penetrating sex because of vaginism, but when penetration appeared in my life, it turned out to be logical not to replace some sensations with others, but simply to expand the possibilities. Since then, I have been engaged in non-penetrating sex in addition to vaginal stimulation, when I want to finish quickly or when my partner and I are too lazy to undress. Someone, in principle, prefers this kind of sex to other practitioners, others turn to him at certain periods of life (for example, after giving birth), others alternate it with penetration - according to their mood. “I love penetrating sex very much, but I love diversity even more,” Alina says. “I choose the type of sex according to the situation. For example, during menstruation I always do non-penetrating because I don’t want to pull out the menstrual cup and mess with towels. And sometimes my partner he does not want to penetrate. "
People can choose such sex because of physical or psychological characteristics. For example, due to vestibulodynia (vaginal penetration pain syndrome), decreased sensitivity of the vaginal walls, surgeries, saber-shaped pubic bone, small size of the vagina or a large penis of the partner. "I have reduced sensitivity in the vagina, I practically do not feel anything there," Madros shares her experience. "In addition, I now take antidepressants, because of which I can not get an orgasm. Combined, this kills for me the meaning of penetrating sex." Someone becomes difficult to engage in vaginal sex during menopause or medication; and non-penetrating sex can be a temporary solution during the treatment of STIs and other diseases, as well as in cases where there are no remedies at hand.
Non-penetrating sex can give a lot of new feelings and experiences, enhance or diversify sexual impressions, allow to know yourself and your partner from a new side.
For some, sex without penetration is primarily a matter of psychological convenience. For example, Katya says that she lives much better with non-penetrating practitioners: “I don’t know why, but the very idea of vaginal sex makes me reject, although I like other kinds of things”. So, it may be more comfortable for some to engage in such sex after experiencing violence, to someone because of their role or gender identity. “I see myself as a dominant person and psychologically I can not relax during penetration,” explains Eva. Some people practice non-penetrative sex to eliminate or reduce the risk of pregnancy and transmission of sexually transmitted diseases. Finally, someone may simply not be ready for vaginal contact, as Maya’s partner: “For both of us, this is the first relationship, and for a long time we had only non-penetrating sex. Now we also practice penetration, but the girl still has discomfort from fingers vagina, so she is more pleasant to caress outside. "
In turn, men can also refuse penetrating sex. Some are due to psychological, some - physiological features, some may have difficulty with erection or be in a relationship with a partner or partner, who does not like sex. Eugene says that he does not like sex with penetration due to a too sensitive head of the penis, besides, he is not interested in penetration: "When I did not know that penis vaginal sex is not necessary, I tried my best to delay the moment of sex in order to do less but it’s better to avoid it altogether. "
However, many people choose sex without penetration simply because they get more pleasure from it. Non-penetrating sex can give a lot of new feelings and experiences, enhance or diversify sexual impressions, allow to know yourself and your partner from a new side. According to Hel, it was sex without penetration that helped her explore her physical body and begin to experience pleasure from sex: “I finally got distracted from the crotch and tried to understand my body. To my surprise, I discovered that I could end up nursing my nipples or kissing Feet".
Is it really sex?
In modern culture, sex is often equated to the penis-vaginal act - or at least to the act of penetration. For example, instead of a vagina, there may be an anus or a mouth, instead of a penis, fingers or a sex toy. Nevertheless, sexual practices are infinitely diverse, and the answer to the question "What is sex?" Today it sounds like "Everything you want to call your sex." There are no "more correct" or "more real" types of sex - the main thing is that you are doing something with your partner or partner that brings you sexual pleasure and makes you closer. We have long overstepped the moment when sex was considered as a tool for solving reproductive tasks and regulated, and we definitely have the right to focus on our personal needs and comfort.
Luba complains that penetrating sex is usually considered the norm by default, and very little information about non-penetrating: “Until recently, I considered myself“ sick ”,“ inferior, ”obliged to endure painful and unpleasant vaginal sex.” Anna talks about positive experiences and says that she has never encountered misunderstanding: “In my environment, the principle of“ my body is my business. ”I know that my partner would like to have penetrating sex more often, but since this is not exactly that I love, he accepts me. Sometimes I wonder if we know and use all the devices? Suddenly there is something else? It upsets me when people do not consider non-penetrating sex to be full-fledged. "
Many are accustomed to calling actions like the ones described above “petting” or “prelude”, but in the current context this approach does not seem to be too modern. The term "petting" often means "not sex" or "not quite sex." And even if you do not consider any practice as significant for your sex life - for someone it may be the main one. “When we equate sex with penetration, and all other practices are called“ prelude ”, we adore the myth of“ sex scenarios ”: prelude (necessary to prepare for sex), penetration (during which both a woman and a man have an orgasm) - and that's it, finish. But sex is not synonymous with penetration, ”says Lori Mintz, a teacher and researcher in the psychology of sexuality at the University of Florida.
Those who practice non-penetrative sex, or are just about to try, will definitely not have to suffer from monotony. First, you can explore different types of rabbing - genital friction about any part of your partner’s or partner’s body, such as the vulva, penis, pubic bone, thigh, leg, or chin. Rabbing can be practiced even in clothes - this practice is called "dry-humping." Some couples practice joint masturbation - mutual or parallel - including using sex toys, such as clitoral stimulants. Cunnilingus and vulvar fingering also apply to non-penetrative sex. There are many interesting things outside the genitals: some may experience strong sensations, even an orgasm, from slapping and stimulating sensitive areas, such as nipples. Finally, there are non-contact sexual practices, such as sex via video linking, sexting (correspondence on sexual topics) and sexting (exciting talk about sex). Several times in my life I managed to finish without physical contact simply from an overabundance of emotions when communicating with an important person for me.
What to do if penetrating sex does not want
Penis vaginal sex in popular culture is usually hailed as “true sex,” while other species are either not well represented or are served as “complementary.” Because of this, those who are not suitable for penetration may feel uncomfortable: assume that “something is wrong” with them, or think that they are not able to enjoy sex - just because their body is not works according to the mythical standard. It is not surprising that in such realities it can be difficult to talk about its features.
According to a Swedish study, 47% of young women experiencing pain during vaginal penetration with a partner still continue vaginal contact, 32% do not tell partners about their unpleasant feelings and 22% imitate pleasure, despite the pain. Researchers have documented that women who choose to endure discomfort often considered themselves to be a “secondary” participant in sex against the background of a partner. Finally, almost 70% of participants noted that they consider partner’s sexual pleasure more important than their own. The survey was conducted in 2013, and perhaps over the past five years something has changed for the better - but the sexual pressure on women is still great. Therefore, it is especially important to pay attention to taking care of yourself, formulating your needs and limitations.
Admitting yourself or a loved one that you do not conform to the mythical "as it should," and it is not easy to understand your sexuality
Luba found herself in a similar situation: “With one boy I had endured vaginal sex for half a year, although I was very hurt, I didn’t get any pleasure and it was more like rape, but he liked everything; I tried rabbing for the first time, I even managed to finish once, but he was ashamed of me and laughing at me, so I didn’t ask for it anymore. I asked the former girl not to penetrate, but she didn’t pay attention to these requests, didn’t take them seriously, I thought i'm so shy or something wrong ode this. "
To abandon vaginal penetration do not need any "good reasons" like medical indications: in an ideal world, I don’t want to have enough simple "no" to abandon any sex practice. Unfortunately, vaginal penetration is still often considered the option "default", appearing simply on the fact of consent to sex. Dasha regularly practices non-penetrating sex - she says that she explains it to potential partners in advance: "I just warn them that I should not be penetrated." An understanding person should have enough general formulations like “I feel psychological discomfort during penetration and do not want it”, “when I feel something inside - I have unpleasant feelings, therefore I don’t need to persuade” or “I don’t want to have vaginal sex and I I don't practice it. " If the partner continues to insist on vaginal sex or other sex practices that you disagree with, it is safer to break such contact. "In sex, the main thing is that everyone feels comfortable, and if my comfort is built on the fact that nothing should enter into me, then this must be considered," Dasha is sure.
"This is normal"
Although people are often still embarrassed to talk about sex, popular culture constantly broadcasts various “sex norms” - so it’s not easy to admit to yourself or your loved one that you don’t conform to the mythical “right way”. “Discussing your sex and pleasure, showing your partner what you want is extremely important,” said female orgasm researcher Debbie Herbenick from Indiana University, because the chance that your preferences will be found out by chance is extremely small. Tell each other what you like and don’t like".
The more we speak on vulnerable topics and admit our “weirdness”, the faster our features stop being something “shameful” and become equal and respectable variant of the norm, which is usually much wider than we used to think. “In Russian culture, non-penetrating sex is often not taken seriously at all,” said sexologist Daria Berger. “Different people have different definitions of sex: someone thinks that sex took place, if there was an orgasm, someone — if it was penetration, for others it’s important just touching the genitals. If you understand that sex without penetration is preferable for you, discuss the situation with a partner or partner, tell us about your feelings and experiences. Together, look for a solution that will suit everyone involved in the process, in each case individual. "
PHOTO: Nik_Merkulov - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)
