"I do not degrade, do not turn into furniture": Housewives talk about their lives
the reverse side of emancipation suddenly turned out condescending attitude towards women who have dedicated themselves to home and children - sometimes they are considered victims of patriarchy and "failed individuals". However, the role of the housewife is the same life choice, worthy of respect, like any other. We talked with the housewives about why they refused official work, how their workdays are organized and whether they are satisfied with the state of affairs.
Julia Dudkina
Helena
About nine years ago I gave birth to a child and went on maternity leave. I decided to return to work pretty quickly - just a year later. We found a nanny, left her and her daughter first for an hour, then for a couple of hours - they were preparing for the fact that soon we would not be home all day. Everything went well, but then the nanny had trouble in the family, and she had to go to another city. The new nanny daughter categorically did not like - began a constant cry, tantrums. In addition, at work, I myself miserable for the child. I felt unhappy - I sat and pasted over the computer with jelly bears and thought: I have a daughter, but I don’t spend time with her. Why then all this?
There was another problem. It turned out that I am a very bad manager - I could not at the same time solve work issues, look after a nanny and an au pair. Without my control, they tried to do everything in their own way - not at all as I requested. Everything fell out of my hands, and life became very difficult.
In the end, I decided: with a good deal, I will live 80-90 years. Really ten of them I can not spend on the house and the child? So I became a housewife. My husband and I by that time had a joint budget and a bank account to which our cards were attached. Before making large purchases, we always consulted with each other. In this regard, nothing has changed - we, as before, plan expenses together.
My husband reacted calmly to my decision. If he was dissatisfied with something, he said nothing. But the mother-in-law was indignant - she said that I sat on the neck of her son. Even now, nine years later, she periodically asks me: "Lena, don't you think about going to work?" But during this time I managed to give birth to my second child, so I think for some time I will still remain a housewife. Over the years I have learned to ignore the words of my mother-in-law.
I like being a housewife. Probably, if I only spent all day working with children and cooking, I would have lost my mind. But, fortunately, I can always send my children to my grandmother and go to the theater with my friends or have a drink. The cliner still helps me with cleaning, but I work with children and food myself. There is not so much free time left, but before noon I can still devote myself to a few hours. I usually spend it on my hobby - I make it out of porcelain. At noon, I cook dinner, then I take the children out of the garden and school, I arrange for cups. In the evening I do homework with them and by nine o'clock I am already falling over from exhaustion. I do not know how women live, who, in addition to all this, also manage to work. Although, maybe this is something wrong with me, since I am not enough for everything at once.
Husband earns enough - we are not in distress. In addition, we have real estate. If anything, we will not have to starve. Of course, I know that sometimes people get divorced, and I am not immune from this. But I have family and friends, and my husband and I acquired all the property in marriage. If I can find a good lawyer, I’d hardly be left with nothing.
I do not think that I will always be a housewife. When the children grow up, I will decide where to go next. But today everything suits me. Everyone has different values, different character. I admire women who build a successful career and at the same time deal with children. It just turned out that this does not suit me. I made my choice and do not regret it.
Irina
Once I was not going to get married and have children at all. But it turned out that during my studies I met a man whom I loved. We got married, and then he was offered a job in China. I decided to move with him. To continue my studies, I transferred to the correspondence department, but I did not get a diploma. We had a child, and then we moved again - now to the USA. I completely devoted myself to my son, because here we had neither relatives nor friends who could look after him or help around the house. Hiring a nanny would be expensive, and it turned out to be psychologically difficult for me to leave the baby to a stranger.
For several years it was quite difficult for me: there was not enough time for myself, it was not always possible even to take a shower. In addition, like many young mothers, I found myself in social isolation. Abroad it was felt even sharper. The most difficult thing for me was the thought that I was not developing in my career plan. Husband worked, achieved something. I only solved domestic issues, was engaged in servicing my relatives. Sometimes I felt like nothing.
My husband really tried to support me. I understood that I was financially dependent on him, but he himself never hinted at it. I have a separate bank account, and I never report on what I spent the money. He would be glad if I found something to my liking, but the question of money was never with us.
In immigrant families, it often happens that one person is dependent on another. Sometimes relationships break down because of this. But my husband and I are one team, and I don’t regret anything. We come from a depressed region. If I refused to emigrate, I would most likely have worked as a speech therapist in a boarding school or kindergarten. But I decided to rely on my husband, it allowed me to see the world. Now his son is three years old, and he went to kindergarten. I finally had some free time, and I began to teach piano on weekends.
On the Internet, I often see discussions where housewives are criticized. Call "appendages to her husband," "mothers." This is very disappointing. Yes, someone thinks wrong how I managed my life. I am vulnerable and aware of this. If my husband and I were suddenly separated right now, I would not even have enough money to buy a ticket to my homeland.
But from this I do not become a bad person. I do not degrade, do not turn into furniture. For three years I have matured a lot and changed. You can continue to grow, even if you do not have a job. I learned a little code and take pictures. Maybe in the future I will go to college and learn a new profession. Of course, when you have been doing home and child for several years, then it’s hard to change something. You seem to be in a small swamp - you are warm and cozy, but somehow boring. On the other hand, getting out of this swamp is scary and cold.
Nataliya
My husband and I met when I was only eighteen years old, I went to college and studied at the vet. Gradually, I began to realize that I could not cope with this profession. One day the teacher decided to show us how different stages of anesthesia work, and right before our eyes I killed a puppy. For me it was a real stress. I could not arrange any protest: the teacher was a respected professional and any actions against him would be meaningless. I began to sink into depression. She stopped going to college, lay all day on the bed. I tried to sleep until my husband returned from work.
At that moment I did not understand that I was depressed, and tried to cope with this condition on my own. When I got a little better, I tried to enter another university. But even there I did not work out. Trying to find some landmarks in my life, I went to the Orthodox Church. Under the influence of priests and parishioners gave birth to a child. Already, I realize that it was very stupid to have a child, while being depressed. If earlier I had very little internal resource, now it doesn’t remain at all.
Getting a child into the garden turned out to be very difficult because of asthma and allergies. He came home with a rash and wheezing in his chest, and then it turned out that the psychologist, after taking classes, treated everyone to some kind of candy. As a result, for five years I became a housewife. When the health of the child still became better, I tried again to send him to kindergarten and go to work. I have no specialties, so I had to get a job at the store. But the son periodically was ill, and the husband took the sick-list to sit with him at home. We considered and understood that financially everything was much better when I was at home. So I quit. At the same time we decided to have a second child - since I decided to remain a housewife, then why not?
One day my close friend broke up with her husband, and we decided to move in with her to help each other. A friend works, and she also has a son. So in my care now have three children. Sometimes sad thoughts come to me: my husband is noticeably older than me. What will I do if something happens to him and I do not have a source of income? But, I think, my friend and I will not abandon each other. In addition, there is another mom with their own real estate. In the extreme case, we will start living with my mother and sell one of the apartments.
I know that some women condemn me. But I accepted myself as a housewife. If now I go to work without education and experience, I will receive 25-30 thousand rubles a month. You can't hire a nanny for this money. And to look after three children and at the same time work is completely unreal. I can not say that being a housewife is simple. I wash, clean, cook. It happens that during the day I have a lot of free time, I relax and go about my business. But in the evening the children come home all soiled, and I start to do the laundry. In the end, I go to bed at three in the morning and fall asleep without hind legs. Still, my current position suits me. I conduct a public dedicated to my favorite group, I interview him. People thank me. So there is some self-realization in my life, I get enough social approval. My husband always helps me with the children, takes on the homework that I did not have time to finish. He supports me in everything, and it was this support that helped me to accept my social status and to feel comfortable in it.
Catherine
When my child was born, I went on maternity leave and could not get out of it for a long time. My daughter had allergies, tactical dermatitis, mild asthma. In addition, in state kindergartens there were problems with places, and for private I would have to give up my entire salary. We did not have grandparents, so we did not expect help from anywhere. I could not get out of the decree on time, and I had to leave work. After three and a half years, we finally managed to give my daughter to kindergarten, but I still needed to take her after classes, stay at home with her when she was ill. So I decided to spend some time as a housewife - until the school starts.
At home I was bored and sad. In Moscow, all distances are very large. Often it was impossible to see friends, and the husband returned from work late at night. I was thinking of becoming a freelancer, but this prospect was also depressing. I like to constantly communicate with people, move, and I absolutely do not know how to do something for which I have to sit at a computer for a long time in silence. At some point, I started to get depressed and had to be treated. Life has turned into groundhog day: no intellectual burden, only monotonous household chores. When my daughter grew up a little, it became more fun - now you could talk with her, go somewhere together.
When the daughter was seven years old, we moved to Germany, the husband was called to work there. My plans to go to work have failed. Now, to get somewhere, I had to learn a language. I got down to business, but after two years I became pregnant again. So I had to stay a housewife. On working days, I take the children to the garden and to school, then I go home, clean, cook. Then again I go after the children and I arrange them in cups.
I have not worked for twelve years and lost all qualifications. So now hardly find a job in the specialty. But I still think to go to the employment agency and ask if there are any suitable options for me. In any case, I do not want to remain unemployed all my life.
I know, some believe that it is always possible to find another way out, not to become a housewife. But this is easy to talk about if you have grandparents who can help with the child. My husband and I did not have anyone, and we simply found no other way out. If I had my way, I would not become a housewife. I am not even sure that I would have given birth to children if I had known in advance that everything would turn out this way.
And yet in Germany, being a housewife turned out to be a little easier. In Moscow, I did not dare to hire a nanny, and besides, all the experts with good recommendations agreed to work only full time. This we could not afford. Here we settled in a small town where many know each other. They quickly helped me find trusted people who can leave a child for a couple of hours. Now at least I could go to the driving school.
Maria
I did not plan to become a housewife, it just happened. We came together with a young man when I was studying in the magistracy. Several times I did internship in different companies, but I didn’t stay anywhere. It turned out that I can not stand office work and open spaces - there is noise everywhere, people. Besides, I was annoyed that I had to spend a lot of time on the road. If you spend twelve hours at work and the way back and forth, how much time do you have for your affairs?
At the same time, I have such specific work that you can do it mostly in the office. Remote positions offer only experienced, qualified professionals. Because of this, I never found a job that would suit me, and became a housewife. Not sure if this word really fits. I cook, buy food, I can decompose things. But I just hate washing the floor, wiping the surfaces, it is shaking me from this. As a rule, for such tasks, I call a cliner. When my young man first saw that an au pair came to us, he was taken aback. He wondered why he would invite a special person if he could get out on his own. But gradually he got used to it. But I responsibly approach to the purchase of products. I can go to three different stores to find quality products and make a wonderful dinner out of them.
I do not like that I am excluded from social life. Getting somewhere, meeting a friend is a whole event for me. Sometimes I feel flawed: all projects, business, and I'm somewhere on the sidelines. I got depressed last winter. For a few days I could not leave the house, even get out of bed and eat was an achievement for me.
Not financially, I was absolutely dependent on a young man. He pays utilities, but at the same time we live in an apartment that belongs to my family. If anything, I will not stay on the street. And yet I was very uncomfortable, until I had no income. Now I began to take the dogs to overexposure or I myself go to them as a dog nurse. Sometimes it brings in 25-30 thousand rubles a month, sometimes 15. I wouldn’t have enough money for an independent life, but still it became easier for me when I got at least some personal money. Here it’s not even the money itself, but the self-esteem.
Living together for the salary of one person is quite difficult, even if the salary is not bad. All expenses must be planned in advance. Often we can not afford to vacation abroad. When we went to Cyprus, then two months later we closed a hole in the budget. My boyfriend hinted to me several times that our life would be easier if I went to work. Yes, I myself would not mind, but not yet obtained. True, on New Year's Eve I worked in the Republican bookstore, and I liked it. I never thought that I could work in the service sector, but it turned out to be very nice. I begin to think about going there and start saving money for a second degree. I want to learn something that I really like and that will allow me to work remotely.
Photo: hyggelife 1, 2, 3