"We have love under control": Different people about their virginity
According to VTsIOM, more than 20% of Russians surveyed consider premarital sexual relations unacceptable for both women and men. At the same time, adults, who deliberately keep their virginity, are still often considered “strange”. We have already talked about how the concept of virginity has changed in the modern world - and today we talked with several women and men who do not have sex, and found out how it affects their lives and their perception of themselves.
The topic of sex for me is inextricably linked with the problems of women's health that I had as a teenager. I hate to look at condoms, disgusting masturbation and porn, I am very afraid of pregnancy and all the complications that may accompany her.
I am a philologist by education, I am surrounded almost by some girls, which in no way helps to find the other half. Dmitry, the first guy I liked, we met on social networks. But communication immediately turned into a strange course. As a techie, he told me, a philologist, that he wanted to assemble a radio himself, and invited me to the Mitinsky radio market. In response, I invited him to the theater, but no romance happened. We have not met for a long time, only occasionally we correspond in the VKontakte network.
With the next guy, Sergey, we met in the subway on May 9, 2015. He carried a large flag of the USSR, I was small, and he suggested “to be friends with flags”. In mid-May, he invited me to take a walk in Moscow. We wandered for a long time, enjoyed a beautiful garden and almost summer days, he even confessed to me that his parents hinted to him that it was time to get married. I was in seventh heaven. After a while he invited me to the movies. At parting, I kissed him on the cheek and asked him not to forget about me. But after this meeting, he abruptly stopped writing and calling.
There was another attempt to spin the affair with the Spaniard, who is studying with me. He invited me to the pond, we swam, took a selfie in swimsuit - but then everything stopped again. For the first time in my life, from impotence, I confessed to a man that I was an asexual. He answered something like: “Well, anything can happen in the world ...” Now we communicate only on educational issues.
Parents say that I am "crazy", that I need a "normal" guy, that everything that is not used dies off. But personally, I am proud that I had no one. It is not a physiological component, but a childlike purity of my consciousness connected with it. I believe that I am not wasting my life energy, saving it for higher purposes. I sublimate sexual energy not only in studies and social networks, but also in active citizenship.
Many Orthodox Christians marry virgins - this is exactly how I feel. It is difficult to count how many guys tried to sleep with me, but they always received a decisive refusal. I simply tell them that I am not going to ruin the future family life for the sake of momentary pleasure and soul destruction. Moreover, I believe that only the guy who is definitely not going to build a family can persuade to have sex outside of marriage.
I try to clarify the question of the virginity of a guy at the very beginning of communication in order to immediately understand the intentions of a person. On Orthodox dating sites there is a special box for this. Of course, virginity is an indisputable advantage when searching for a life partner and significantly increases self-esteem. I think almost every man secretly wants a girl to belong only to him, and vice versa.
While studying at school, I realized that I wanted a family. I do not need long courtship - only the ultimate goal interests. I did not make official offers to marry, but there were prerequisites. Most guys offered to move in with them, which was impossible for me. The funny thing is that men usually fully support the idea of innocence before the wedding, but when it comes to themselves, the words conflict with their actions.
Of course, the feeling of being in love is often confusing, but it’s just a dependency from which to free yourself. By the way, I can not say that any of the former guys live very happily. Only one started a family, the rest are still changing girls. In my life, no one reacted strangely even to the very idea of striving for a pure marriage. Everyone understands that this is cool, and maybe even a little jealous that they did not save themselves for their beloved husband or wife.
I live in the Caucasus. Here, being virgin before marriage is not an achievement, not a choice, not pride, not a world view, and so on. It is just a given. If you're up to twenty-five years old virgin - that's fine. Virginity after twenty-five years is due to the fact that a woman either did not have time to get married, or chose a career. Then there may already be complexes. In Moscow, virginity is sometimes perceived as a deviation with the freedom of love. We have love under control.
When you're a virgin, sex seems like something unreal. Appreciate the opportunity to choose the one with whom to decide on this, waiting for love. I decided not to get married in spite of my mother. Because of sex, I don't need this red tape. I say to someone that I am divorced, to someone - the truth. The reaction is different. Up to twenty-five years they say "well done", after they are silent, but with their whole appearance they show pity or contempt, surprise.
My virginity is largely the result of a conservative upbringing, but also my own decision. For twenty-three years, I just have not met a guy who would really trust. Maybe it’s me too frivolous, maybe I’m tritely not ready on a subconscious level, and as soon as romantic relationships take a serious turn, I try to complete them and escape.
About 360 days a year, virginity is not a problem at all. You do not think about it and are busy with others. But there are days when you literally hate yourself for such a feature. For example, you communicate with the guy who you like, you understand that he is obviously more experienced than you in this regard, and you immediately give up, crawl away, and the person may not have thought anything like that. Or suddenly you just remember that of your friends you are the only “such” left, and you wind yourself up. A few years ago I heard from an unfamiliar guy that he would never mess with virgins. It would seem that it makes no difference to me what a person thinks that I haven’t seen ever since? But I still went for a couple of weeks with the certainty that something was wrong with me and in general I was "defective."
All close friends know that I am a virgin. If someone suddenly asks, it’s not a problem for me to answer even unfamiliar people. I only heard in response once in my life: “Oh, how you live without sex, poor creature,” but from such an unimportant person that it did not make any particular impression. And the best friends are the best to ignore the like. I have a close friend who firmly believes that all my problems from the lack of a sex life, and in general, “I need a man,” but this point of view even seems funny to me. There are friends who believe that the first sex should always be after the wedding, and as a result, children should be obtained - and this idea does not seem wild to me.
As soon as I meet a suitable guy, I won’t wait for a long time. Until I met - and so normal. I used to set myself deadlines. She said that at eighteen I would definitely lose my virginity - in the journals they write that this is the most suitable age. Then I turned eighteen, and I postponed the term, convinced myself that I would definitely lose my virginity to twenty years. Now I am even a little ashamed of such reflections.
In abstinence there are pluses. I am definitely smarter than myself in adolescence, I have no supernatural expectations from the first time. Moreover, the idea of dying without having experienced the “charms of carnal love” does not seem catastrophic to me. I don’t think that finding a partner for defloration is a huge problem, but, as a romantic person, I still believe that first sex (and ideally everyone) should be out of love or at least not out of desperation .
My relatives and family friends raise their daughters so that any thought about sex before marriage seems shameful and dirty to them. However, my parents do not adhere to traditional views. Any of my decisions will be perceived normally, because they trust me.
It always annoyed me how the girls at school tried to follow the modal fashion and copy each other - whether it concerns a new tattoo, hair dye or haste in deprivation of virginity. Many of my school acquaintances had sex only because it was necessary for them to be recognized as cool in a get-together. I do not like this alignment. Usually the people with whom I share the fact that I am a virgin show their respect, but I realize that many of them do not understand me. Someone may consider it a hypocrite. It is unpleasant, but I do not care about them.
Of course, I am attracted to guys, I love to flirt. But I want a relationship in which I will love as much as I do. It is important for me to trust a person. Of course, two must be attractive to each other, that’s all magic. But it does not end only on wild desire. In addition, relationships built only on sex, definitely have their time. More than once it is watched.
They say that I am attractive, guys often pay attention to me, but every time either the person is not interesting to me or only the short-term connection is interesting to him. This is a normal story. I'm not forty, not fifty, but only twenty-three. And this is only a matter of time, a question of my desire, a question of the environment, which may not correspond to me in the proper degree. I will understand when I am ready.
I do not blame girls who live on different principles. I have a lot of friends who have not one, not two and not three guys. We can discuss the funny moments of their intimate life and make fun of each other. And yet, girls usually have some kind of sadness when they talk about relationships that are tied only to sex. Everyone says: "I don't care," "it's just for fun," "I'm lonely, and so we slept, it means nothing to me." But most girls still start falling in love with their partners. And given that sex is not always a relationship, they often find it unpleasant and painful. Some start having problems with self-esteem, because society stigmatizes these girls, guys show disrespect for them at the moment when sex stops. Why do I need this?
I never had a purpose to specifically have sex until a certain age or until the wedding. I didn’t want to do it thoughtlessly - for example, a couple of hours after meeting or because of public opinion. This process for me is directly related to the emotions that I feel for a man, and he to me. It's simple: no feelings, no desire.
In my youth, I was very much in love. With my maximalism, it seemed to me that I had met the second half. In the future, I wanted to create a family with this man. And then he crashed in an accident, and everything collapsed in a flash. To survive the loss of the dream of a happy life was very difficult. Later I began to look for similar feelings and did not find. There were sympathies, but disappointment came too quickly, strong feelings did not arise.
I do not consider virginity to be a feature — I just know what I want and do not trade it out. Do not hesitate and do not hide it, but I still consider the topic personal. Only the closest are aware of this. I do not understand why discussing intimate questions with everyone - they concern only the couple who are in a relationship. I think that the need for a close person, sincere feelings, love, support, understanding and full-fledged relationships will never disappear. Career, hobby, friends - it's great, but ultimately a person needs a person. Own, dear. Now I have a boyfriend with whom the relationship began. We are interested together. We learn each other - let's see what happens.
This was my decision, but circumstances contributed to it. Education was influenced (by the way, adequate, without prohibitions and moralizing), and my gradual path to God was drawn to the temple from a young age. In adolescence, if I fell in love, then not for long. Overwhelming sympathies were non-reciprocal, but I didn’t want to get upset and disappointed once again, so I just went deep into my studies.
Having survived the last blind love at the age of sixteen, I stopped showing the sympathy of the first. Then I was seriously in love - so much so that I did not notice that feelings were non-reciprocal. He tried his best to end the relationship with me, but I was constantly justifying him. Even when he said that my legs were thick and cooking was not mine (which was absolute nonsense), I decided that I would improve my culinary skills and lose weight - I would do everything, but I would be better for him. And lost weight. Only overdone - it came to the initial stage of anorexia. It was scary, but I am grateful for this experience, because after the incident, I began to really appreciate myself.
In those relationships, everything was done with hugs and kisses. About any closeness of speech did not go (we talked too little), besides, I was firm in my convictions: sex only after the wedding and nothing else. At sixteen, it was rather a desire to go against the crowd, so I not only "kept myself", but also announced a boycott of alcohol, tobacco and mate. I still adhere to it, but only because I understand the meaning, the logic of my principles.
Now I’m looking for a man with whom we will have a serious relationship, aimed in the long run at marriage. Of course, in this marriage will be sex. Perhaps it sounds old-fashioned and cloying, but I want my intimate life to begin just after the wedding — with a man whom I will admire and for whom I will become the one.
When I had the opportunity to have sex without commitment, something stopped at the last moment, and only later I realized that it was very good. I had no novels. Relationships that do not commit to anything are somehow uninteresting, not serious, not adult-like. If it is God's will, the meeting of the right person in the future for a married life.
But I can tell you why you would not want to start a relationship at all. I am busy physically hard work and do not earn in such a way as to provide for my family. It is not easy to communicate with the opposite sex - girls do not really like me. In addition, in the case of wars, conflicts and force majeure in general, it is easier for one person - nobody depends on you.
When there is no example of a good family, the corresponding views on family relations are added. Moreover, I think that even if I once become elderly, children will not need me. Therefore, it is better to reject the idea of a family in my case.
I think abstinence affects me. I feel whole, strong - both in the physical and in the spiritual sense. And when you refrain from looking at girls, you look differently, for real - not as on the subject of lust, but just as on a person, without emotions. The fact that I was not in an intimate relationship with girls, few people know - only those who deserve my trust. Someone has become more respectful, someone doesn’t care - and I don’t tell those who don’t understand.
Photo:neftali - stock.adobe.com, tom ruzicka - stock.adobe.com, Flickr