GazLighting: Why do men inspire women that they are not in themselves
Gaslighting is a relatively new term. but even if you are strangers to him, you almost certainly came across "soft" forms of the phenomenon: for example, when a case was reminded to a friend, and the person assured you that there was nothing. Gazliding refers to a form of psychological violence when one person manipulates another, tries to confuse him, distorts information in such a way that a person begins to doubt the adequacy of his own perception and his memories. Of course, not every situation, when a person convinces you that there was no event, is a manifestation of violence: it is quite possible that he does not sincerely remember him. Nevertheless, gaslighting is a frequent use of abuser and a way to establish control over another person.
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The name of gaslighting was due to the play “Gas Light”, which in 1944 starred the same film with Ingrid Bergman. Bergman's husband, Gregory, convinces her that she is going crazy to hide her own crimes: he searches for the jewels hidden in the house and turns on the light
the attic, which is why the rest of the lamps in the house shine more dimly. When the heroine speaks about this to her husband, he insists that it seems to her, at the same time convincing her that she has committed acts that she does not remember, isolates her from other people - as a result, the heroine believes that she is losing her mind.
Gazliting is associated primarily with partnership - it often becomes one of the elements of violence in relationships. This is one of the “tools” of the abuser, who seek to control their passion: for example, when a person touches a partner’s feelings or offends him, he can use “harmless” phrases like “You react inadequately”, “It was just a joke” or “Relax!” so that the partner feels guilty for reacting "wrong" and "too much". Another frequent example is treason, when one of the partners convinces the other that nothing really happens.
The purpose of gaslighting is to change a person’s view of reality, to make him doubt his own version of what is happening and his memories. It can take different forms: for example, an abuzer can deny facts (“I couldn’t say such a thing, you invent”), devalue the emotions of another (“Please, be quieter”) or emphasize that a partner doesn’t adequately perceive what is happening (“Is it normal to cry like that in such a simple situation? "). In the book of psychoanalyst Robin Stern "The Gaslight Effect" there is a checklist - twenty signs that may indicate gas light. For example, if you constantly apologize to a partner, parents or boss, you worry that you are not “good enough” for them, before fraying the partner home, frantically checking whether you have forgotten about something that can make him angry, all the time you justify him in front of your friends and relatives and much more.
According to Stern, women are more likely to become victims of gaslighting, and more than men are among manipulators, although, of course, different situations are possible. At the same time, gaslighting concerns not only partnerships: manipulators can be colleagues, friends, bosses, and the word itself recently, for example, is often used to describe the actions of Donald Trump, who manipulates public opinion. This type of violence is often found in pop culture, as a metaphor of control and not only: one of the clearest examples is the series "Jessica Jones".
Often the victims of gasliding are children who are manipulated by their parents. Ariel Liv, author of An Abbreviated Life, in which she said that she was a victim of domestic violence by her own mother, a poetess and an artist, talks a lot about her experience, physical and psychological abuses, including gas-lacing. According to her, gas-lacing by her mother was worse than "slaps, blows, kicks, tweaks and beatings during quarrels. The real damage to me was that she denied everything and accused me of being ill with her, because I'm angry for no reason. The denial of violence was worse than the violence itself. " Stern distinguishes several stages through which the victim of gas-llaying passes, regardless of whether it is a family relationship, a worker or any other. The first is denial: the victim notices that the abuzer behaves strangely, but shrugs off what is happening, thinks that this is not a serious incident that will not happen again, and does not give it any attention. At the second stage, she begins to doubt herself and her own perception of the situation - but she defends herself against an abuzer, because she hopes that she can prove her point of view and convince the gaz-liter. Finally, at the third stage, the victim begins to believe that the abuser is right, and she is mistaken and is to blame for what is happening - she hopes that if she agrees with him and meets his expectations, she can win his approval. Like other types of violence, gas-losing may have the most serious consequences: in the third stage, the victim may face depression or anxiety disorder.
It is also difficult to cope with gaslighting because, unlike physical violence or direct threats, it is harder to prove: the victim doubts that he understands what is happening, her perception is distorted. She gets used to adapting to the abuzer and may not realize that she needs help, seeks to please the abuser and meet his expectations, forgetting about herself and her own comfort. Nevertheless, it is possible to fight gaslighting. The most obvious way is to go to a psychotherapist or to a support group for victims of domestic violence. If this is not possible, you can turn to friends or relatives for support who you trust: they will help you look at the situation from the outside and expose the manipulations.
Ariel Liv, who talks a lot in public about her experience in dealing with gas-lacing and domestic violence, developed a strategy that helped her protect herself. She advises staying unmoved and sticking to her own version of events, resisting when others doubt what you are saying (“Defiance does not make you a difficult person. It makes you stronger and more enduring”). She also advises not to persuade the abuser: no matter how strong your arguments may be, the abuser will never accept them, and the sooner you understand this, the easier it will be for you to get out of this situation.
Robin Stern, in her book, notes that the first step to cope with gas-lighting is to be ready to completely sever relations: in her opinion, this is the only way to change the balance of forces. At the same time, she believes that the question of whether to break off relations or try to change them, everyone should decide for himself: for example, in the event that an abuser is your boss or a colleague, you may want to stay in your position because working in this company has other benefits.
Breaking a relationship with a family member is even more difficult - you can experience a whole range of difficult feelings for him, a mixture of love and anger. In Stern's book, there is a lot of victim lambing ("Remember: the only way to change such relationships is if you change them. Of course, if only you change, this is not enough - your gazlighter must also want change. But if your actions remain the same, it is almost impossible will change "), but the idea that change does not have to be dramatic or drastic can be a great help. Sometimes it is enough to start small - for example, to see how long you have not given a place to your own feelings and desires, and to pay attention to them.
Images: Juulijs - stock.adobe.com (1, 2, 3)
