If you are angry: How to cope with anger, so as not to offend the interlocutor
ANGER, IRRITATION, ANGER - EMOTIONS ACTIVErequiring exit and preferably immediate. We have already said that being angry is completely normal, and constantly ignoring strong feelings is detrimental to mental health. However, this does not mean that you need to offend the interlocutor - there are more productive ways to cope with the situation so that everyone will come out of it as winners. We have prepared instructions on how not to tell and not to do too much - and how to recognize the reasons for your irritability and learn how to extinguish it correctly. And if you have already offended a person, use our instructions on how to properly apologize.
Ask yourself what you're really mad at.
Carefully and without condemnation of the very (yourself) track the path of the emergence of feelings. When did it really appear? Have you been offended by your opponent before the outbreak of anger? Usually the true causes of angry feelings are personal. Anger signals a violation of boundaries, disrespect for our feelings or circumstances of life. It happens that people really quarrel over politics or pressing social issues, but in this case it turns out to be a conflict of values.
Well, if at the time of these reflections, you can retire. If you can not sit quietly in the next room, you can go to the toilet, bathroom, balcony or even to the staircase under the pretext of wanting to smoke, but at least to the next store for bread. Your goal is to be alone with yourself and your feelings.
Talk your feelings
It is clear that from the first and even the second time it will be difficult. Need a workout. All of us in childhood heard the quarrels of adults, which in many families took place in an elevated tone, namely in the formulations of the charge and the search for the last one. In stress (and a quarrel with loved ones is, of course, severe stress), the person regresses and the conflict resolution methods familiar from childhood come to mind first. We can open our mouth, going to say something constructive, and suddenly all of a sudden, shout: "What kind of a man are you!" - because that is exactly what mom always shouted to dad during scandals.
Take the habit, even if you are very angry, first signify your feelings to yourself and only then formulate the answer out loud. And it is also better to think about it beforehand. Again, this skill is achieved by training - from some time it will start to turn out. Impulsive reactions in anger seem to be a way out, but in fact they do nothing to help: they increase the stress on both participants and lead to an escalation of the conflict. Opponent, hurt by the live accusations, most likely will respond in the same way, and there will be more reasons to be angry with him. Get the funnel of anger. If you feel that you cannot restrain yourself - try to distance yourself physically to begin with.
Keep anger diary
Feel free to expressions. Describe: what feelings the situation caused, what exactly made her mad at you the most. Maybe there were some other feelings besides anger or irritation: bewilderment, hurt feelings, pain? Spend ten to fifteen minutes to write them down. Perhaps other similar cases or other troubles that occurred during the day are recalled, and anger is transformed into sadness and regret. If you practice such recordings regularly, after a while you will notice that you can better distinguish your feelings and understand their sources.
Do not try to suppress anger and forget about it.
This does not work. Anger, irritation, anger never arise just like that. To dismiss them is to secure the next outbreak in the near future, usually more intense and for a much more insignificant occasion. It does not improve your relationship with others, and most importantly, it prevents you from living and does not allow you to find the real reason for such strong and regular negative emotions. Looking ahead, we say that the reason is sure to be, and you should keep this fact in your head.
Do not rush to hang labels
Often, people who are constantly angry are very tired and overworked people whom no one helps. Irritable people often live for years in conditions of extreme discomfort (sometimes from childhood). Therefore, it is difficult for them to tolerate the slightest inconvenience, as it seems to others: they are suffering all the time.
Think about the sources of irritability.
You grew up in a family where physical, emotional, sexual abuse was practiced, or you are currently living or working in an environment where it is practiced (not necessarily in relation to you - such an environment is generally toxic). You do not have enough money for food, clothing, housing, necessary medicines. You do not get enough sleep, you do not have enough food, you do not have the opportunity to go to the doctors when you are ill. Where you live, there is no room where you could retire for at least an hour or more. You do not have the ability to make decisions about your own life (from work and rest schedules to food and sleep schedules).
If the points of this enumeration coincide with the conditions of your life, anger, irritation, depression and anger will occur regularly. The nervous system will respond to the state of danger and frustrations of basic needs. The situation needs to be changed as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Moreover, the reaction of irritation and anger in such circumstances rather indicates that the person is healthy and still not mentally broken - he has enough strength to resist.
Consider physical condition and exclude triggers.
It happens that severe irritation or anger occurs in response to emotional triggers. This is especially true if your childhood was not cloudless or if you were already in an adult relationship in an adult age. Keep track of the roots of sharp and seemingly unmotivated reactions and try not to push the trigger buttons. It can be anything: you can’t bear it when someone knocks into the room without a knock, looks at your monitor, takes something from your plate, you can only change clothes in private and you want your partner to leave the bedroom for this time . Do not try to endure it - it is better to politely agree with your loved ones so that your borders in these areas are observed especially carefully. It is important to remember that there are no unnecessary and wrong emotions. Any feeling is a signal, and our task is to decode it correctly, and not to jam it.
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