How to stop all the time to be late?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. We started a new regular section where professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova will answer pressing questions. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to stop all the time to be late?
Are you late for 15 minutes or an hour? Do you experience a sense of burning shame or do you think excessive punctuality is absurdity? Have you lost due to the lateness of a number of lucrative offers or your boss gave up on you and takes everything for granted? Anyway, the fact remains: to appear somewhere in time is a big problem for you. Perhaps you are justifying yourself by the fact that everyone is late, but deep down you want to be somewhere in India, where even airplanes do not take off on time. But if you are still unlucky and you are living in Europe, and therefore you are forced to dance to the tune of punctual larks, then let's try to figure out what this problem is and how to deal with it?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
Despite the fact that the symptom is seemingly the same, the root causes may be different. Therefore, we will try to consider the most common causes and their corresponding solutions. First, think about whether you are late always and everywhere or, for example, only to work? Or meeting with a specific person? A lot depends on our motivation and interest in what is happening. And if we talk directly about work, it’s quite likely that you understand that it is necessary to go to it for a number of reasons, but you also want to spoil it somehow, that sort of office rebel wakes up in you - seemingly not doing anything special, but leading invisible fight against evil. Stop it. Fair. Most likely, from this struggle you are the only one who suffers, experiencing anxious stomach cramps with every delay. Or admit that, yes, this is a protest, but it is stupid, and begin to arrive on time or, at least not hiding from yourself and without undue anxiety, experience this petty joy, if you already understand that such delays do not threaten you with anything. Well, the best option is to think about changing jobs, in the end. Suddenly there is a place you don’t want to be late? If we are talking about meeting with people, then there is a serious reason to think, for what purpose do you communicate with this person? Maybe out of a sense of duty, pity, because of the inability to say no?
The second very common reason is you hate waiting. Perhaps you are a true connoisseur of your own time, and it hurts you that instead of doing something useful, you have to wander aimlessly around the metro station and wait for a friend / colleague. Well, in our age of all kinds of technologies, you probably have some kind of gadget, thanks to which you can do something useful. Answer letters, read articles, go through the next level of the game. If you deny technology, then the book will help you. Another thing is if you are an extremely disturbing person and it is easier for you to come later than to panic because of the possible reason for your friend being late. If this is the case, then, being late, you do not decide anything, because then you will still be nervous no less because of your own lateness, and besides, there is an excellent chance that the one with whom you meet will be late even more and one can still be nervous about whether he left without waiting. So, to choose the lesser of the evils, it is better to arrive on time and understand that the situation in which a person is late does not change at all, only our emotions change due to the constructs we have created. We can think that trouble has happened, and worry, we can get angry, but again we can use time productively, without inventing a reason for negative emotion. Think to yourself that yes, he is late, and you happen to be late, your anxiety or anger, or sadness will only harm you, but you are not your enemy, right?
If at first you organize time, then gradually become involved and it will organize you.
Difficulties with self-organization. You can not wake up on time. Or you woke up on time, but at the last moment you lost your keys, found that your dress was wrinkled, or something like that. I will not lie, this category of being late is to be the most serious work, reminiscent of the mother's instruction from childhood about collecting a briefcase before going to bed. You will have to seriously tune into the fact that from this point on your life must move a little back in time, for everything that you have tried to do in the morning you will have to cook in the evening. Iron things, clean shoes, put everything you need in your bag and so on. It will be very useful to have a permanent place to store your keys, documents, phone and all the important little things that you cannot find, and regularly put all these items there. You will not interfere with the compilation of lists, sticking reminders and all in the same spirit. Perhaps, with time, the pedant will even suspect you, but it is better that way, than, having reached the car, rush back for the keys, take the keys, run after the wallet, and so on.
You have problems with timing. There is topographical cretinism, sometimes cretinism is temporary. You can hardly estimate how long it will take to get from one point to another. Again, fame gadgets, now almost any way Google can calculate for you. Nevertheless, there are such things as traffic jams, traffic jams in subway crossings and other terrain features. If you are traveling to a new place, add at least half an hour. Subsequently, simply note how much road you have taken, how much - lunch, and so on. Yes, and by the way, you are not one of those who should schedule several meetings a day at a time. Due to the fact that time is an abstract substance for you, you are likely to seriously get confused. If it is still necessary - plan with a margin, set timers, reminders when it's time to go. If at first you organize time, then gradually you will be involved and it will organize you.
Excessive softness. You can not interrupt the conversation, because it is impolite, you are uncomfortable to inform you that it is time for you, you can not refuse your mother to bring her somewhere, where you are not on the road. Unfortunately, learning to say no is one of the most important skills in the modern world. Undoubtedly, it is not easy to master this at once, therefore, without changing your politeness, warn people immediately, for example: I have exactly 5 minutes to this conversation, if this is something serious, then we will discuss tomorrow / I will call you in the evening. The main thing is to strictly follow the declared, because as everyone knows, what talkative interlocutors can turn into 5 minutes. But at least in this way you will begin to set your own boundaries and subsequently learn how to defend them.
And finally: someone else is guilty of your punctuality. Whoever it is: a family member, friend, partner - determine for yourself how important it is for you to be in the joint activity somewhere on time. If you are ready to endure this, then simply accept it, if not, then leave when it is convenient for you, and meet with the procrastinator on the spot, perhaps this will eventually stimulate him to think about his behavior.
The main thing is not to give up, the struggle with time - one of the most difficult, not without reason psychoanalysts, having achieved from the client only a systematic appearance at the session on time, already consider this a considerable breakthrough in therapy.