"" Girl "and" boy "- this is not a diagnosis": What do fathers think about raising children
Being parents and so difficult, and strive to educate children consciously and protect them from stereotypes are even more difficult, especially if one considers that the talk about “real men” and “true women” sounds already at school. We have already talked with mothers about how they raise children, struggling with stereotypes and social pressure. It is time for fathers: we asked three men about the difficulties associated with children, fears and gender stereotypes that they face in education (where without them).
Responsibilities in our wife for child care are distributed equally, so I spend a lot of time with my daughter. Now she is of such age that the most difficult thing is to react correctly to her opposition, to the desire to do what is impossible: for example, jump on the vacuum cleaner wire or try to insert the plug into the outlet on your own. At this point, it is something you need to take or interest.
He plays his daughter what he wants: in cars, dolls, designer, toys from the "Kinder". Often we make toys ourselves: the swings are from chopsticks for Chinese food, mini-sleds for toys are made from scrap materials that we find in the closet. I do not approve of toys marked "for girls" or "for boys." All these extremes - "girls play with dolls, boys with tanchiki" - seem to me like nonsense that limits the thinking of a child. If the parents don't let the girl play the truck, and the boy is mocked when he plays in the kitchen, then they just take away the freedom of choice. I would say more - infringe the rights of the child. The same with the division of clothes into pink and blue.
As for gender stereotypes, the most popular one is probably “you are a girl, you should be calm, sweet, in a skirt”. Why the girl can not wear headlong, walking in jeans and a black robe? Why should they be dressed like Playboy models? I still don’t like the associations of many fathers and mothers, that the girl is "beads, pupae, flowers". A girl is a person with her own interests, and not with your attitudes.
One day, a dad on the court said to his son, who nudged my daughter lightly: “Don't beat, it's a girl!” It turns out, if it was a boy, then he would say: "It's okay to do something?" So far I have not responded to this, but I feel that I will begin soon. Although at first glance there is some advantage in this - they give way to the girl and don’t touch (although mine can stun herself), but in these words there is also a tinge of some kind of “inferiority”, weakness. In principle, no one can be beaten, and not just girls. And it is better to be able to defend yourself, too, to all: both girls and boys. Of course, I heard about the installation "boys need to be educated harder than girls." But “girl” and “boy” are not diagnoses. There are people with different temperaments, and their behavior depends on it.
With horror, I think that in the future someone will molest her daughter. But I can not always be around - it will be at least funny. There are thoughts to give it to the boxing or sambo section so that she can give a skillful rebuff. I am also afraid that she may not tell something, but carry in herself, withdraw. Therefore, I am already trying to carefully provoke her into any conversation about myself, in order to understand what thoughts lie in this children's head.
We have a lot of books at home, and we read them every day. I rarely change some sentences in books: or rather, I don’t even change, but I keep silent for now. Growing up a bit - I will say how it is. Just some tales are like horrors: for example, when a wolf ate seven goats, and then fell into a hole, and joyful kids jumped out of his belly.
In general, after the birth of my daughter, I began to look at everything differently: I began to think about everyday things that closely intersect with my life and which I had not thought about for a long time. That pain is when you fall and hit, and that it passes. What if it is very sweet - it is no longer tasty. What a sour wrinkle. That the leaves bloom in spring, and they die in the autumn.
My daughter is a little bit "on her mind", stubborn. For example, we very long struggled with the fact that she did not do homework at school: either she forgot, or did not want to do it. I understand that if she is left to herself, she will only do what she wants. It is clear that to shout, prohibit and crush is meaningless. So for me now the most difficult thing is to understand how to influence it so that there is a result. This is a daily struggle to, on the one hand, not to become a tyrant, and on the other - not to let everything go by itself.
I do not remember that in the kindergarten where the daughter went, the girls would be driven into some kind of path. In our group, for example, girls were the main “violators”. As for gifts, mothers from the parent committee tried to give something that suits more or less everything: a set for handicrafts, a small designer, a controlled boat, which can be launched in a pond, was presented to the prom party. Perhaps this was done on purpose, perhaps, people unknowingly wanted to get away from stereotypical decisions.
From the side of the grandmothers, sometimes phrases are heard that the daughter is “a girl, you need to dress more beautifully, in a dress”. But the daughter is very active and in dresses she walks only on solemn occasions. So I would not call it serious pressure. Regarding household duties: I’m doing my home rather than my girlfriend - my daughter sees an example, I attract her too. My girlfriend works very hard: she earns most of the money in the family and, unfortunately, therefore she spends less time with her daughter. My daughter sees that her mother is at work all the time, but thanks to this we can buy something, go somewhere.
If the daughter comes home and tells that she was told that giving birth is the main female function, we will tell her that this is not so. She sees examples: Mom works, both grandmothers, friends and acquaintances, too, and it’s clear that no one is working on the household just now. As for marriage - how it goes, I do not think that we will put pressure on her. Again, she sees that we have many different friends: someone has children, someone does not. True, sometimes unexpected and unpleasant things fall down: the daughter comes and says that she is "fat" or "ugly." This is what surprises me, but fortunately, these are fleeting flashes.
I am wary of what is happening with the school now. All the time there is an attempt (albeit sluggish) to create again something like a pioneer organization. At school, children are attracted (albeit without obligation) to all sorts of near-military affairs. And the general situation in the country: there is a constant talk about a conservative turn, about restricting the right to abortion, while not talking about sex questions.
So what about the future, my fear is rather common, not personal. Unfortunately, we live in a bad political climate, which is not getting any better, and, figuratively speaking, a stone in the head can fly both to a girl, and her dad, and grandfather. I do not see any hope for change for the better, but what comes from the school and from the state, we must somehow stop, level and explain to the child: "Here they say so, but in fact everything is different."
The most difficult thing now with the youngest son is to find time and energy for the games. He says: "I want to make a new designer - get me all the tools, the old power supply from the balcony." And then I immediately remember myself: my grandfather had a bedside table, in which there was a mountain of rubbish - some kind of radio tubes, transistors, wires. I was not allowed to poke around there, but I did it anyway - it was very interesting. Therefore, I understand my son. On the other hand, somewhere to climb, pull out the boxes - and he will throw in five minutes, and I will clean. Therefore, it is often difficult to decide: so, everything, we get this trash.
There are no such difficulties with teenagers, but there are difficulties of a different nature. There is no son all day, and then he writes: "I want to stay with the girl." My wife and I do not allow. Calls back in ten minutes: "I want to bring a cat." That is, on the one hand, it is not necessary to play with him, but the “response” is much stronger.
What are my fears? I am afraid that the younger son will not study. But first he went to the kindergarten, and now he is making scandals, rests, does not want to go: it is interesting at home, but not in the kindergarten. And I'm scared that he will sit at school at the back of the desk and spit at the ceiling.
I heard the phrase "the boys do not cry," I used to say that in my childhood. I wanted to tell my son a couple of times, but then I braked myself: "Stop, we are other parents." Or the phrase "Girls forward", "Table for us, cover quickly, girls" - well, what is it? I will not impose on the children a patriarchal way of life, that "the man in the family is the main one". “You have to marry, children, Petka has already done this” - also some kind of incomprehensible nonsense. In my childhood I had a granny who was carrying herself on everything: cooking, cleaning, feeding, washing the floors. Some kind of trash, but I thought it was right. Then the mother began to live with her stepfather, and there everything was different: he was a cook and cooked everything himself.
Now at home with older children like this: if you want to eat, cook yourself or go to a cafe. Therefore, if you know how to cook - well done, cool. Better able than not able. Do I need to teach my youngest son to wash floors and cook? It is like a question: do I have to wash my hands? Of course, it is necessary to wash the floors in your room, if there is dirty. Or he asks: "I want to eat, Dad." And what will I say? "Find yourself a woman, and she will cook you a meal"?
Photo: MoMA Design Store (1, 2), Amazon