Boston marriage: Why women decide to live together
The family today is perhaps the most flexible. from social constructs. People become freer in their desires and more clearly understand what is comfortable for them. There are more options now for cohabitation, sharing life, pair management and simply emotional community than ever before. Not everyone chooses an official marriage - for many, the so-called Boston marriage or companion marriage is enough.
The Boston marriage (quite recently the term was included in the Oxford Dictionary) is commonly called the joint life of two women who lead a common life and care for each other. Many of the girls in the student community were forced to share housing with neighbors, but this way is very far from the Boston family: here we are talking about the good life of good friends, and not random neighbors. This is not much different from a familiar family: girls lead a common life, share household duties and provide each other with psychological support, unlike temporary neighbors, who occasionally overlap in the kitchen. A pleasant bonus of a Boston marriage is the ideas of sisterhood and equality at the heart of the whole undertaking.
Women who do not like sex
The name of the joint life of two friends received after the publication of the novel by Henry James "Bostonians" in 1886. The main characters of James live under one roof: they are connected not only by the common life, but also by the struggle for the rights of women. The concept of "Boston marriage" was first mentioned in 1893 in a letter by the suffragist Edna Cini to the editor of one progressive publication at the time: she suggests including Boston marriages in the civil code. Edna notes that the existence of close and strong relationships between women has become so familiar that this phenomenon even got its name and a certain recognition in society. Thanks to suffragism, Boston marriage spread in America and Europe.
A patriarchal marriage inevitably offered the woman the role of a servant: whether she wanted to or not, but she had to keep the hearth, bring up the children, and become a showcase of her husband's welfare. It was almost impossible to find a man who was ready to build a fully equal relationship at the end of the 19th century. Boston marriage became an alternative to the traditional family and allowed to lead a full life, to make decisions independently without looking at anyone. However, at the dawn of its existence, such unions often could not only serve as a model of platonic friendship, but also mask homosexual relationships.
Many suffraggists who did not recognize the traditional marriage, started a family with fellow members or a lover
Homosexual love was tabooed, so many people perceived the Boston unions as purely platonic: it was believed that if a woman does not have a husband, there can be no interest in sex. Due to this misconception, the "romantic friendship" between women made society without any particular concern. Known story Langollenskikh Lady Eleonora Butler and Sarah Ponsonbi, who escaped from home and lived together in the suburb of Lengollen until the end of life. The Ponsonbi family, despite the anxiety, was glad that the daughter had not fled with a man. In her act they saw more imprudence than obvious "indecency."
It is difficult to say with certainty what kind of relationships were connected by Langollen ladies or other couples: women could be united by common work or the struggle for equality, the desire for independence, friendship or lesbian love. There are many examples of such unions left in history: Alice James and Catherine Peabody Loring, who lived together, became the prototypes of the heroines of the novel “Bostonians”. The Nobel Peace Prize winner Jane Adams has lived with her friend Mary Smith for more than thirty years. Many suffraggists who did not recognize the traditional marriage, started a family with fellow members or a lover.
Live with a friend
Of course, women used to live with companions before the birth of the suffrage movement, but they treated the “old maids” only with pity. The path of the girls then did not differ in diversity: life with parents before marriage, with a husband and his family - after. If a woman could not stay in her father’s house as an adult, she was forced to look for a companion. The way of life did not allow them to live on their own: the lonely lady had a bad reputation and raised doubts about her decency, so living with a relative or her friend became a necessity. But it was precisely the struggle for equality that gave Boston marriage a special status.
Many women now choose life with a friend, not with a romantic partner. Sometimes they are driven by informed choice, sometimes by the logic of circumstances. Many are building a life with proven friends, others are looking for partners through online communities. One of the largest such communities in Russia is the “Live with a Girlfriend” public, which helps women find a couple for a Boston marriage. If you wish, you can find other similar communities in social networks: “The Friends House” is a platform for finding both supporters of Boston marriage and partners for romantic relationships, and the “Boston marriage” group supports women's friendship and helps with finding companions.
Catherine and Alexandra, administrators of the “Live with a Friend” community, note that a variety of women’s forms are submitted: among them are applicants and students who are trying to move to a big city or are looking for an alternative to a hostel; low-income young women who want to divide the rent; women with children who can look for a partner for joint care for them. There are many who target Boston marriage directly. "We welcome not only Boston marriages, but also other forms of cohabitation between women. Regardless of their motivation, we want to be useful in finding a partner program. We don’t accept only those for whom apartment characteristics are in the first place, and not a person with whom we have to build relationships We are focused on interpersonal relationships. A home is a space for their realization, not an end in itself, ”say girls in charge of public.
Without romance and stereotypes
Olya and Nastya have been friends for thirteen years - since they met at an art college at fifteen - and their life together began a month ago. Of all the experiences of cohabitation - with neighbors or with a romantic partner - Boston marriage girls consider the most convenient solution. Now they are twenty-eight, they have moved to St. Petersburg and at the first opportunity began to live together. Both agreed that the general life is possible not only for great love.
Nastya feels that she is an aromatic romantic: thanks to the experience of living together, she realized that she does not like the romantic relationships that hold most of the cohabitations. She sees the reason in the constant emotional and psychological return that the partner needs. Not receiving emotional nourishment in the non-stop mode, he begins to think that they are losing interest in him. According to Nastya, this is the main reason for the conflicts inside the couple. "I do not consider myself to be a callous person, but active manifestation of emotions and desires is not peculiar to me. Living with a girlfriend, you can give her support, but no one will demand from you, let's say, psychological services. For me, this is the main plus of Boston marriage" - considers Nastya.
Olya, although she does not see anything wrong with loving relationships in general, also considers life with her friend more comfortable: romantic engagement leaves no personal space. "With Nastya, I am free from dramas and scandals. I really love a romantic relationship, but I need my corner of peace. Walking with a partner around the city and drinking coffee on the roof overlooking the Neva river is fine, but living together with a friend. In Boston the marriage manages to maintain a balance between communication, mutual assistance and their interests. As a result, the Boston family allows everyone to live their own lives, "says Olya.
Her friends are not faced with the question "who will cook the soup?" - in tandem, everyone does what he loves more
Another plus of Boston marriage is the ability to avoid gender stereotypes and evenly distribute household responsibilities. Olya and Nastya got used to the fact that in the family they did not divide work into "male" and "female": they were not prepared for the traditional role, setting priorities in favor of education and career. Thus, the maintenance of life on an equal basis for them naturally. Her friends are not faced with the question "who will cook the soup?" - in tandem, everyone does what he likes more. For example, Olya always cooks, and girls divide the financial expenses for food and housing in half.
Olya considers the ability to negotiate and a similar sense of humor to be the main thing in living together. "It is very important to be able to speak about everything directly, without any hints. It is much easier and more convenient. When you ask a partner to hammer a nail, he is embarrassed to say that he does not know, and as a result he breaks his fingers - this is very stupid and inconvenient," she says. The girl remembers that the guy with whom she once lived, out of false pride, could not turn to her for help, especially when it came to “non-female” work. Nastya is well versed in computers and could cope with a technical task faster than a young man who was not too familiar with the question. But he was afraid to ask for help because of prejudice. "It is very important for both of you to competently distribute household chores, knowing who will cope better with work. After all, you live in this space together. We get along well in this sense, and I can always rely on Olya without losing my own life", - says Nastya.
Age has nothing to do with it
If a woman is just looking for a neighbor, with whom you can share the costs, this is not yet a Boston marriage. "Boston" are guided not only by economic motives or everyday convenience, but choose life with a friend for psychological comfort. In such couples do not meet the kitchen separatism, the struggle for shelves in the refrigerator and strict marking of the apartment area, as is the case with random neighbors.
A survey conducted by the Live with a Friend community shows that for many women, the physical and psychological safety of women's unions is more important than material factors. Union with a girlfriend can choose women, regardless of age and status. "A lot of women think about such a lifestyle. In youth, they live together, but with age, many leave relationships with other women, because" this is not accepted. "In fact, there are examples of female same-sex, but at the same time, not sexual unions in Russia There is a lot of society. The cultural background can give such unions a sense of their importance and value, ”explains Ekaterina and Alexandra from the“ Live with a Friend ”community. An example is the story of Andrea, who at the age of seventy decided to buy a house with her friends: Lin and Sally. At first, the relatives reacted to the idea of their friends with some skepticism, and they did not believe in the viability of such a union. Doubts of relatives quickly disappeared when they saw that their friends were able to establish a harmonious life.
At a more mature age, Boston’s marriage was chosen by another heroine, Nina, who has been living with her friend for six years - now she is sixty-five. In such a union entered on the initiative of Nina: when her daughter went to live in Moscow, Nina invited her friend to her. Friendship lasts for fifteen years, the Boston marriage for them implies mutual care, attention and home comfort. The expenses of a friend are divided equally, in the distribution of duties they do not adhere to strict rules, sometimes they spend time together: they go to theaters or on excursions. Even if quarrels happen, large scandals never reach. "I think that a compromise can be found with any person, and I don’t see any problems in this. My friend has a difficult character, so it’s easier for me to give in. Of course, it’s difficult to recommend this kind of relationship to someone: it all depends on the person, but if you are lonely and you need psychological support, Boston marriage is the best option, "- says Nina.
Questions and answers
Many girls living together often face tactless questions about marriage or orientation. Culture still makes marriage a central event in the life of a woman, as if the desire to marry is built into girls by default from birth. Friendship in this scheme turns into a background to search for "men of dreams." It is believed that a woman will easily forget about her friend as soon as a man appears on the horizon. “I had a similar story,” Nastya says. “I used to live with a friend for two years. She left, leaving me her cat as soon as she met a man. Despite the fact that her friend considers herself an asexual, she moved in with a man simply because that this is “normal”: he goes to work and can provide it. Therefore, I really appreciate Olya, with whom we live now. She does not think that someone should provide it, and knows how to live on an equal footing. "
“Young women in Russian society are in an economically vulnerable position. This pushes them to early marriage,” Ekaterina and Alexandra from Live with a Friend agree. “Boston marriage reduces the costs of adult life and allows women to come to alternative models. Sometimes cohabitation with another woman it becomes a way out of an abusive relationship with a man.For heterosexual women, such a union can serve as a preventive measure against domestic violence: women have their own territory, and interaction with men is right the silts that the women set themselves. "
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