I am looking for the makings of a mistress: How I tried to become a dominatrix
GRANDMOTH, VALVING AN UNBLEETED TAX, politely asks what entrance I need - I am surprised to pretend that I have not heard the question, I look around awkwardly and, fortunately, I immediately rest on the black door I need. This is not the entrance, but the entrance to the thematic hotel "Goji" - "13 comfortable rooms with individual design and unique BDSM equipment." In one of the rooms, five minutes had already passed since a master class on female domination began, which is held by Lena Rydkina - a sex coach, a feminist and polyamorca with extensive experience in BDSM. Why am I going there? Good question. First, I try to crawl out of the notorious comfort zone - and what could be less comfortable than BDSM? Secondly, I am going to write a text about it - and at the same time find out whether I have the makings of a mistress and whether it is possible to learn domination at all.
The class, organized by Kinky Practice, is claimed to be a “hen party with a lively model” - a man in which you can try out newly acquired skills. "Live model" and a dozen girls of different ages are located in the room, clearly intended for lovers of medical fetish; everything is red or black, and on the wall, from which hooks and chains stick, hang two white robes. We are told that in this room there is usually a gynecological chair, but now, thank God, it does not need anything. Participants sit on soft mats on the floor and look at an ominous device that resembles a “goat” from a physical education class: the first part of the master class is theoretical, so all these subjects are still playing the role of a stage gun that can shoot. I take out a notebook with a pen and immediately remove it back - it seems that no one except me thought to write a synopsis.
Everyone introduces themselves and tells what brought them here. The first girl announces: "I'm Masha, I'm twenty-four, I'm here because my boyfriend went to male domination, which takes place in the next room, and I decided to also go for the company." The second one warns that it would not name its age for anything, but for many years already “in the subject” and wants to systematize its knowledge. Some terms that she casually mentions - for example, "trampling" and "switch" - Lena has to explain for everyone else.
Looking at the participants, I mentally agree that it is impossible to guess your sexual preferences and experience: having met any of the practitioners in the subway, I would never have thought that they would spend Sunday at the Hotel Goji. Nevertheless, here we are - the majority of those present are not entirely newcomers to BDSM, but no one is covered with black latex, is not made up with blood-red lipstick and does not even remotely resemble Betty Page. One of the girls is wearing a sweatshirt with cute animals - we are joking that this is exactly what the real Mistress looks like, because she can command in her pajamas. After all, the “living model” also appears - let us call him Anton: the man says that he and his wife have been trying different practices for a long time, but he has never been “lower” with several girls, so he was somewhat excited waiting for the practical part.
When the word comes to me, I inform you that I have no experience of dominance - in sex and in life I’m used to the mode “I don’t want to decide anything” and “just do what my partner likes.” At the same time, the stereotype that all women by nature love to obey is very annoying (several girls nod at this phrase) - so I want to know in a safe environment where the dominatrix takes inspiration from and how realistic it is to awaken the imperious queen. inclinations did not notice.
Looking at the participants, I mentally agree that it is impossible to guess their sexual preferences and experience: having met any of the practitioners in the subway, I would never have thought that they would spend Sunday at the Hotel Goji
The theoretical part is really more like a conversation with a girlfriend than a lecture: Lena teases bikes from her international sexual experience, at the same time setting out the basics and answering rare clarifying questions, and also explains why she prefers what is stated in the BDSM master class topic latex. " A non-standard approach to BDSM involves getting rid of clichés with which games of dominance-subordination are associated: first of all, from gloomy aesthetics with chains, latex, shackles and dungeons, and from no less frightening seriousness experienced by experienced “themes”. Rydkina proposes to explore the gameplay potential of BDSM and the unusual psychological and physical sensations that can be gained from these practices - and says that everything can be fun and easy, and it is not necessary to thoroughly plow up yourself to become the "right" domino.
Strict Ms. on heels and in a corset - the image of porn, which men often dream of; it is important to understand how it suits you most - and not to succumb to the partner's persuasion, if he just wants to realize his fantasy about a certain type of Mistress, and you don’t like to play the "golden rain" or whip a person. Lena says that, through trial and error, she found practices that are especially interesting to her because of their psychological aspects: among them, foot-fetish and feminization are inventing for a man a “female” alter ego like “princess”, “schoolgirl” or “whore” , dressing him up in stockings and dresses and becoming a submissive slave.
During the break, everyone drinks tea from plastic cups and chatters; the “living model” goes to the arena before they go out for a smoke. While I am cravingly thinking about escaping, our teacher changes clothes - having seen a dress with a print from the characters of “Time of Adventures,” I decide to stay. Adventure time has come: domino shows a variety of devices - the Wartenberg wheel with sharp needles, paddles of different stiffness, strapon, butt plug with tail like a pony. While Anton, on the orders of Elena Vladimirovna (many Dominians demand that the "lower ones" address them solely by name and patronymic and "you") wags her booty and tries to dance without rising from her knees, the mentor discusses with us which woman’s image for Anton more suitable: with a collective decision, we turn him into a princess Anechka, who dresses up in a net suit - a stocking for the whole body and a short skirt. All this complements the wig, bright lipstick and the same tailed cork.
Watching the cheerful domino slapping Anton with a device that looks familiar, I understand why BDSM is used as an experimental therapy: in fact, this is the same psychodrama, the ability to realize suppressed mind desires in an area free from condemnation and shame. Connoisseurs say that the state of subspace that the “lower ones” experience is similar to a mystical trance - a person has absolute confidence in him, and his mind is separated from the sensations that the body experiences. American psychologists who have studied couples and BDSM practitioners believe that the “upper” in the course of the session are in a “stream” - a positive mental state in which a person is fully involved in what is happening (the “flow” is often spoken about in the manuals on productivity and time management). Although I’m watching the adventures of Princess Anechka from the side (the students were offered a hand in the punishments, but no one was willing), I feel pleasantly excited and involved in what is happening - apparently, this is a demo version of the “stream” dominatrix. I feel a similar condition when I talk about something before the public or when, after an attack of procrastination, I finally join the work and write the text for several hours.
The states of “flow” and subspace, as well as the behavior of the brain during BDSM sessions, have been little studied - but it is known that BDSM practitioners have a greater ability to empathy and more stable emotional health than the average person with unexplained sexual preferences. At the household level, this can be explained by the fact that domination allows us to express aggression, which we often suppress in everyday life. This is especially true for women who are required by the culture to be cute, docile and polite. As our domina in a cartoon dress notes, in everyday life you can find a lot of inspiration for BDSM sessions - instead of suppressing and accumulating offense, you can, for example, “turn on” the lady and “punish” the partner for the dish not washed in time, providing him erotic impressions, and self - a powerful way out of accumulated discontent. Lena adds that "it is sometimes pleasant to punish not just the man who has been guilty, but in general all the men" (amen). It is important to remember that the role of dominoes is not the way of a samurai, which cannot be minimized: although many lovers of BDSM prefer one role, there is also a rather large group of switches — those who in some situations act as “upper” and others as “ lower ", depending on the context, the relationship with a particular partner and mood.
Instead of suppressing and accumulating offense, you can, for example, “turn on” the lady and “punish” the partner for the dishes not washed in time, providing him with erotic impressions, and imagine a powerful way out of the accumulated discontent
The role of dominatrix has a lot in common with the actor's profession: it seems to be easy from the outside, but in fact it requires preliminary preparation, remarkable creative efforts and improvisation skills. As our teacher emphasizes, it is important to think through the sessions in advance and have at your disposal several tricks that can be applied at any time: nothing leads you out of the right mood, like the thought “oh God, what will I do with it next, I can’t think of anything ". In addition, the “top” or “top” always has responsibility for safety - not only for the physical health of the subwoofer (Tatyana Nikonova told in detail in the instructions for newbies), but also for the emotional state: nobody canceled the stop words, but In a state of Subspace, a person can forget about their existence altogether, so the domino must be very sensitive and immediately terminate the session that turned the wrong way. I consider myself rather empathic, but it’s impossible for me to understand how comfortable our model feels while Lena slaps him on the ass and makes him read poetry.
When the session is officially completed, we again sit in a circle, like in a summer camp, and share our impressions. It is especially interesting to listen to Anton: still in a skirt and wig, he sits next to Lena and surprisingly calmly talks about his feelings (no hard feelings). I look at him and understand that I want it too. Not in the sense of putting yourself in the ass cork with a tail, although why not, but in the sense of not being afraid of vulnerability. I want to be able to trust the partner and myself as well - and possess such unshakable self-esteem so that any experiments with a balance of power cannot destroy it.
On the way to the exit, we and the organizer Tanya look into another room where the bondage workshop is taking place: several fully dressed couples are concentrating on the ropes while the teacher, who looks like a university professor, explains something about loops and knots. Coming out of the dark corridor, I think some kind of vague, good idea that love takes on surprisingly different forms - sometimes so unobvious that it’s not enough to study them for four hours at the Hotel Goji.
Photo:Walt disney
