“What does“ fu, is this for girls ”?”: How feminists raise children
ALL MORE PEOPLE FIGHT with gender stereotypes - but if an adult has the strength to resist what is happening around, then the children have a far more difficult situation: relatives, kindergarten teachers, and school teachers, who can also impose patriarchal views, come into play. We have already talked with mothers about what stereotypes they encounter when buying toys for children - but education is not limited to toys alone. Now, three feminist mothers told us how they raise children - girls and boys - and how they manage to cope with the influence of others.
I remember once we were given a book with stickers that was dedicated to the family. On one of the turns, mom and dad were drawn from work: dad was sitting on the couch with a newspaper, and mom, putting on an apron, was cooking food for everyone. That is, they both returned from work, were tired, but at the same time the entire burden was laid on the woman. This book should have been considered a daughter. Someone will think that this is a trifle, nonsense (yes, maybe I myself once thought so), but the children read everything very well. In fact, both books and cartoons affect the child - from there, behavior patterns, thoughts and patterns of action are often taken.
Most of the books in our children's library are about girls, but not princesses in pink clothes waiting for a prince, but ordinary (or unusual) heroines who aspire to something, make choices, defend their position. I’ll make a reservation here: I don’t see anything wrong with princesses, but a child should have a choice - to become a princess, a little scientist, a young engineer or a ballerina. Actually, the boys, too.
I have not yet seen any particular problems in kindergarten - it’s true, my daughter goes there irregularly. But when I was only “admitted,” I immediately asked the teacher to not offer my daughter only dolls and strollers. She agreed, adding that her daughter also loved cars. At home, Katya plays different things: she has a kitchen, cars, dolls, animals, puzzles, cubes, a doctor's kit, tools, a railway. Now she is most involved with the constructor and builds cities, bridges and roads. Maybe once she will constantly play with dolls - we do not mind, complete freedom of choice. We see our task in offering our daughter as many options as possible so that she understands what she wants.
Once, when we walked with Kate on the playground, I saw a boy fall. He was a year and a half, he was walking with his grandmother. Grandmother did not run up to him, did not even move from the place - he lay and roared, and she repeated from afar: "What are you crying? You're a boy, get up!" Another time, also on the court, a girl of about five yelled something loudly, and her grandmother immediately pulled her up: "Don't yell, you're a girl!" It is very difficult to hold back at such moments and to say nothing, to be honest. I understand that Katya will at some moment come across both a "tyzhedevochka" and stereotypes, but I want her to be ready for this and know that this is not normal.
When my daughter was in kindergarten, there was traditionally celebrated the "Day of Love and Beauty" on March 8, at which the mom's long-suffering was celebrated, their willingness to always wipe the nose of the child and clean the apartment. Mostly mothers came to the matinee itself, and when my husband came instead of me once, he looked like a black sheep in the hall. Later, the teachers asked me why I didn’t find the time to attend the matinee (the stereotype of the “bad mother” in all its glory). It looked as though the dad's attention was valued much less.
Another gender stereotype that we encountered is non-female sports. In the first grade, the daughter began to practice judo, and did it quite well: at local competitions she received medals for second or third place, given that she had to win four or five fights with boys of her age (up to thirteen years, the competition is common, because physically and girls do not differ). But, despite the successes, by the third year the daughter refused to go to judo, because those same boys, whom she had put on the shoulder blades at competitions, were teasing her: they looked into the locker room, called names. I wanted to make a scandal, but my daughter asked me not to do this, she was ashamed. And I decided that my own feminist struggle was not worth it to cause discomfort for the child, judo was forgotten.
The daughter chooses the literature herself, and I willingly buy books that she is interested in: about travels, myths, biology, chemistry. We do not go to large online bookstores, and in independent stores it is rare to find any obscene patriarchal stupidity.
The school system is a separate story. The school where the daughter goes is not the worst, so sexist stereotypes are broadcast there mostly not by teachers, but by other children. She is very seriously struggling with this. Once a teacher called me and, horrified, said that my daughter had a fight with a boy. It turned out that this boy already mocked a small physical abuse (buttings, tweaks) of all the girls in the class, and the daughter was the first who did not hesitate to punch him right in the forehead. He got off with a couple of bruises and a wounded ego, but it turned out to be useless to speak with his parents: a deeply injured mother and father who wants his son to "grow up as a peasant." Even the best school can not control what is happening behind its walls, so the conflict ended in nothing: I only praised my child for not being offended, and the boy began to behave more quietly.
Most girls in school wear skirts, complicated hairstyles, which they build in front of their mother’s school, paint their nails. I have never conducted any feminist lectures for my daughter, but this all seems irrational and surprising to her: the skirt is simply uncomfortable, and the extra ten minutes of sleep are much more important than a beautiful pigtail. When I look at things through her eyes, I understand that all the complex constructions of feminist theory can be expressed in one simple children's question: "But why?" Indeed, most of what modern women are forced to do in order to meet the requirements of patriarchy seems to me absolutely pointless.
My children dragged sexism from the garden (before this, there were no manifestations, and where did they come from?) For example, attitudes about colors: pink - "the color of girls", in boys it is forbidden. Lilac and purple too - they are beginning to reject things of this color. The problem is exactly how it says: "Ugh, this is for girls!" I am outraged, I tell them: "What does this mean? If the" fu "- girls are worse, or what?" They get lost, then they answer: "Probably, no, not worse. We are just boys, and this does not suit us." I try to play a little back, make them think about what they say, and then explain that there are no “girl” and “boy” colors. It seems to me that they learn, but somehow they are built into social conditions. I think that it’s not worth breaking them, but they live in society - more important is their own attitude towards this. Where do the installations come from? I think that it is not from the teacher, but from other children in the garden, and they have it from their parents.
With cartoons, I don't bother much. Even manufacturers divide cartoons into "girls" and "boys". In those that my children watch, there is no obvious discrimination, but the distribution of roles is present. At the same time they have no favorite cartoon or book, where the main character is a brisk, courageous girl. But you still find such! In most works, the main character is a princess. That's where full of sexism, so it is in folk tales. But we do not read them for various reasons, including because they scare my children. At one time I was worried that I had deprived the sons of the heritage of world culture, and then I thought: so what?
The phrase "boys do not cry" is really malicious. In general, the whole story around the feelings - that they can be shown, you can show that it hurts you, that you can be weak - for boys it is absolutely forbidden. As a result, this leads to an increase in internal stress, which will be different in the different ways: one in fights, the other through stress.
Naturally, I want my children to be equal partners in their future family: spend the same time with the child as the wife, do the cleaning. In general, it seems to me that domestic self-service is an important part of educating boys. For example, I grew up in a patriarchal family. My brother and I had a part of the duties that was shared, but I was told that "you are a girl, you must do this, but the boy is not obliged."
It is necessary to explain to the boys that there is no special person in the family who should serve everyone. To the older child, I say: "Yes, there are things that I do for you, but this is in my goodwill." I used to wash things for the whole family: sorted, threw them into a typewriter, hung them up - until I discovered that an adult son treats this work dismissively - he did not consider this to be work. He has been washing and ironing himself for six months already. Sometimes she comes to the kitchen and says: "Horror, I’ve run out of clean socks." I answer: "Here is a washing machine, here is a dryer." I began to make housework visible.
The elder has responsibilities at home, I teach him to prepare food and explain that the rest of the family members are not obliged to ensure the availability of food in the kitchen - if not, he can cook it himself. Also in marriage: if the obligation is not assigned to one person, then the work is done by the one who has the time and resource. The younger ones clean up the toys. Generally embed young children in the work correctly. It is difficult: it is easier to do it yourself than to teach a child (he will do everything wrong first!), But with girls we still go through it. With the boys, I think we should do the same. What is the difference between them?
Photo:iprachenko - stock.adobe.com, Mallivan - stock.adobe.com, Ozon