Women survivors of sexual abuse, on the concept of "victim"

Harassment and violence was one of the main themes of 2017 - but this year the discussion is just continuing. One January threw at once several reasons to think: #TimesUp actions at Golden Globe and Grammy ceremonies, new accusations (against James Franco, Aziz Ansari, photographers Mario Testino and Bruce Weber and not only), a sensational letter of a hundred French women, who signed Catherine Deneuve, the statement of Brigitte Bardot and much more.

It seems that the world is finally ready for a large-scale conversation about violence and a serious review of the norms - and finally understand where the line between harassment and flirtation lies. An important part of these changes is to change attitudes towards victims of violence. We talked to four rape survivors about how they coped with this experience, what they think about the #metoo movement and how they relate to the actual word “victim”.

Tatyana

The victim is expected to have typical behavior and follow the rules imposed - the survivors, however, confer on their own experience and do with it what they want

In my life there have been several instances of violence and countless stories of harassment and attempted violence that have been avoided — and they are absolutely wounded, albeit in varying degrees. The first case occurred when I didn’t even go to school, and a couple of years ago they put the pedophile in - caught him with a little boy. The last incident happened a few years ago on a date, and I didn’t even try to resist - I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me, only I begged all this to stop. What happened provoked severe depression, the treatment took three years. I lost my job and five teeth, spent all my savings, gained fifteen kilograms and found myself in gray hair, more than once I tried to hurt myself physically.

Now I am generally fine: I still go to psychotherapy every week, although this topic is rarely raised, the drug treatment was over more than a year ago. In addition to therapy and working with a psychiatrist, various resources support me. First, internal: I adhere to a healthy lifestyle, I observe mental hygiene and, if necessary, appeal to experts. Secondly, external: the support of friends helps me incredibly, I felt this very keenly during # I am afraid to tell you when my story about personal experience provoked not only a wave of negative, but also a lot of support. Thirdly, it is very important for me to work for people, it helps to feel the soil under their feet. I have a blog about sex, and then, to more clearly mark the difference between sex and violence. I want terrible things to happen as little as possible, and evaluated uncompromisingly.

It is important to understand that violence leaves a mark forever, it changes a person, and even if you "coped and moved on," it still remains with you and is never erased from memory. However, the label of the victim is static and does not provide for development, therefore it is more correct to say "survivors of sexual violence." It is long, but true, because experience is a process, moreover an individual one. The victim is expected to have some typical behavior and follow the rules imposed - the survivors, however, confer on their own experience and do with it what they want.

It is also so important to speak out loud about any cases of violation of sexual integrity. The more different stories we hear, the less there will be notions of "real violence" - but it will become noticeable how widespread and how many different forms it takes. The worst thing that happens to survivors is stigmatization. Any person is much more than the trouble that has happened to him, but the “rape victim” is an indelible stain that, for example, a “victim of a terrorist” never has. I wish that the "rapist" would become such a stain - and the focus would shift to the perpetrators.

Taisiya

People absolutely do not understand how to talk further with you.

Violence in one form or another has been happening to me regularly since the age of eight. I was raped twice - when I was thirteen and when I was fifteen. At first, it was probably an inner strength that helped me cope with this. The defense mechanism also worked: I decided to consider that everything is normal, this is not rape, I wanted it myself and only I was to blame. Then it helped to cope with the injury, but later this attitude began to interfere with life - and the next stage was psychotherapy. I started going to psychotherapists from the age of eighteen, but the real breakthrough happened only when I was thirty. I understand the meaning of the division into "victims" and "survivors" and why the term "survivors" appeared. I myself called myself still a rape victim. Why so? I have no answer.

The action I am afraid to say was not the first movement against violence - before that they were already in the West. #Metoo is one of the last and loudest ones, including because Hollywood was touched upon, and this, naturally, greatly increases the resonance in society and in the media. I know about the letter of a hundred French women, but, I confess honestly, I did not read him, so I can’t judge him in any way. But I understand that there is a reaction to any action, and this is one of the possible.

Many people are simply not ready for change, and the status quo suits many men and even women. Often people are afraid of them, they believe that the “pendulum of feminism” has swung too far, that they will be, as frightened, imprisoned for the fact that a man gave up a seat on the bus or opened the door, that they can blame anyone for their harassment. Perhaps some accusations were excessive, but I think that any movement and progress is arranged. Now we are at a stage where everything boils and boils, but with time everything will calm down and new standards will be established.

I very much hope that the “self-blame” reaction will forever become a thing of the past, because I don’t know a more negative, destructive answer. You guess that something is wrong, you begin to suspect that you have become a victim of violence, but are tormented by doubts; I do not want to believe that this could happen to you. So I doubted for almost twenty years, I also thought that maybe she was to blame. When ten people attack you and say: “I’m guilty myself,” of course, you feel very bad, you stop navigating, you roll back in passing through injury and recovery.

Another reaction is when people do not understand at all how to talk further with you. It seems to me that this happened to me in school: my classmates, somehow finding out about what had happened, simply did not know what to do - and began to ignore me. This is partly due to age - how can children know how to react to this, but the society as a whole does not have an answer either. I still come across this when people, having learned my story, do not understand what, in fact, goes on to say. I consider it my duty at this moment to help them start the dialogue. I say: "It's all right." I begin to reassure: "Look, nothing terrible, in general, in fact, the main thesis is that all this is surmountable, the sooner you begin to deal with such an injury, the better." Now I feel stronger and in a more mature position than most of the interlocutors who I need to help lead this discussion.

Alexandra

This is not a part of me. I am a woman, a person, a person, a teacher, but not a rape survivor and not a rape victim

This happened in 2010. Psychotherapy and the support of friends helped me to survive the rape. It was especially important to realize that what happened was rape, and to relieve myself of guilt. For several years I have been working on myself, discovering new and new facets of what happened, and over time I got rid of the hatred of men, aversion to sex, vaginism, and fear.

I would not call myself either a survivor of rape, or his victim, because I do not consider what happened to me as a reason for this to become part of self-identification. What happened, happened. But this is not a part of me. I am a woman, a person, an individual, a teacher, but not a survivor of rape and not a rape victim.

The movement #metoo and the previous one - I’m afraid to say - showed the scale of the problem. On the one hand, it revealed how many women were subjected to violence, on the other - that men absolutely do not know about it. Patriarchal propaganda has led to the fact that men consider it normal to pester a resisting woman. According to statistics, most rapes are committed not by strangers in the dark doorways, but by good acquaintances of the victims. And this is not a cosmic asshole, which Evil Mind sent to us from another planet. These are ordinary men who, under the influence of a culture of violence, pose as machoes. Both flash mobs were very powerful and inspiring. It's great that women gain a voice and speak loudly about problems.

Now, regarding the letter to the French. The movement against Weinstein, it seems to me, at some point really turned into a “witch hunt”: for decades the pent-up power of humiliated women in Hollywood suddenly broke down barriers and flooded everything in its path. Everyone got under the distribution, the element did not spare anyone. A counterbalance naturally formed in the form of a group of French women, who, in fact, voiced the point of view of very many people. I suspect that there is less harassment in France, since Hollywood has a very powerful film industry: a lot of money and power lead to systemic abuse.

I completely read the letter, signed by Catherine Deneuve, and did not notice anything terrible in it. Just another point of view. It seemed to me that the authors want to retain the ability to both declare their desire (albeit inappropriate) and explicitly refuse. To be honest in their intentions from the one and the other side, without fear that someone will be jailed for an awkward flirtation, and for refusal they will be deprived of prospects.

This letter opened the way for discussion about the limits of acceptable behavior, and sooner or later society will come to a consensus, make the right conclusions - but for this you need to talk and listen a lot. A wave of accusations of violence carried both unconditional assholes (like the same Weinstein, from which it all started), and men, whose behavior was ambiguous, unpleasant, but not criminal. In this case, I consider it a necessary victim after decades and centuries of silencing the problem of harassment and violence against women. But over time, the situation should come to balance.

There is a lot that needs to be changed in relation to the victims of violence. The most important thing is to transfer responsibility for what happened from the victim to the criminal. Now for all otduvaetsya injured woman who undergoes repeated re-traumatization. You need to possess great fortitude to go through all this. A woman is told that she was “wrong” dressed, “misbehaved” herself, was in the “wrong” place, and so on. I was on the road, staying at the hotel, was dirty and wearing a big old faded T-shirt in the pellets - and what, did it save me?

The stereotype that is raped only on the dark streets, is very disturbing for several reasons. Firstly, if rape occurs under other circumstances, it is very easy to fall into a stupor, because you do not believe what is happening and you do not understand what is happening and how it happened - this reduces the ability to resist, since you are completely unprepared for this. Secondly, it is difficult to realize what is happening as rape if the perpetrator is your close or “just good” person. Thirdly, it transfers responsibility to the victim. But who rapes whom? Who performs the action?

In general, in the attitude of society to the victims, it is necessary to transfer the arrows to the rapist and ask him to the full extent of the law. It is necessary not to teach women to behave "decently", but to teach men not to rape.

Olga

Yes, you cannot throw it out of the past, but it is impossible to remain in such a state permanently.

Rape happened a little more than two years ago, at the end of 2015. Everything is simple and difficult at the same time. At first, I was in prostration: I did the same as I always did - I fed animals, I went to work - just on the machine. All listened, but did not hear. And then I turned. I took leave, a few days later I realized that I could not stand being at home, and found a psychotherapist. I went to him at the session, we removed the post-traumatic symptoms. However, I did not rely only on his knowledge. I always considered myself a strong spirit and did not give myself the abyss here - I was engaged in auto-training.

It seems to me that the definition of "victim" puts a person in a passive position. Yes, you have committed a crime, but you are able to cope with it, survive. Speaking about myself, I use “rape survivor”: I accepted, worked and move on. Yes, you cannot throw it out of the past, but it is impossible to be constantly in such a state.

It seems to me that Denew is right: there is a great chance that when using the vague law on sexual harassment, every second man will be in the queue for a court hearing, simply because gender does not make you unconditionally decent. The search for "persistent courtship" can bring to paranoia - it would be interesting to read where this fine line passes when yesterday it was still possible, and today it is already impossible.

I didn’t shout about rape at every step, although now I regret that I didn’t go to the police. But again, I heard a lot about how the authorities make such statements. It's low. I see that society is divided into two camps: "It is my fault, slabachka" and "Shoot him eggs." I myself belong to the second - if the moratorium on the death penalty were lifted, I would have voted to include the article for rape in the list of crimes for which it is being appointed. Society, in principle, needs to be changed, taught to look at things not so one-sidedly - this concerns not only the issue of violence. No need to lisp with the victims as with children, but also to look like a rogue - wrong.

Cover: Etsy

Watch the video: What is sexual violence? (November 2024).