How to argue with a stubborn opponent?
ALL WE HAVE GROWN THE MASS OF QUESTIONS TO THEMSELVES AND THE WORLDwith which there seems to be no time or need to go to a psychologist. But convincing answers are not born when you talk to yourself, or to your friends, or to your parents. Therefore, we asked a professional psychotherapist Olga Miloradova to answer pressing questions once a week. By the way, if you have them, send to [email protected].
How to argue with a stubborn opponent?
Even if you are not an avid debater, there is still a chance to get into a situation where you understand: no, well, now it's impossible to keep silent. Especially when it comes to a topic that touches you personally, gender or professionally. In fact, it is not so important what exactly you hooked. It is much more important that, entering into an argument, you are sure that if you own the arguments (knowledge, facts), now quickly explain everything and everything will fall into place. Perhaps such a scheme works with people even ardent, but rational. At this point, even if you reach a certain heat, shouting barely contained evidence to each other’s faces, at least you can be sure that reason and evidence base will honestly win.
But there is another category of people. They deny the facts presented in scientific articles, because foreign ones are from “geyropes”, and domestic ones are outdated, they do not reckon with Wikipedia, because it is not known at all who wrote all this, they absolutely do not care about your professional knowledge, say, if you the doctor, and they gave birth - now they know everything about childbirth and much better than you. So, if you are already unlucky and you got involved in such a deliberately losing situation, how to get out of it with the least loss?
Olga Miloradova psychotherapist
First, make sure you understand what you are talking about. Yes, I’m talking about this: instead of loudly blinded, it is better to understand in time that the debater, violating the laws of common sense, is you. In disputes, anything happens, of course, it is not always easy to control your emotions, and when control is lost, then for the sake of a mythical victory you are ready to confidently falsify facts or at least fairly exaggerate them and give questionable sources for completely verified information.
Slow down a little, perhaps it makes sense to pause for a while, to move away (to the toilet, to smoke, to drink water). Think about what you just said, are you really sure of all this, or you don’t really know yourself, perhaps the arguments are so-so, but you simply are so impressed with this or that reasoning that you are trying to fit everything to it? Remember, your task is not a victory over the interlocutor or his conversion into his "faith", but a dialogue of two reasonable people trying to look at the issue in perspective.
Always try to estimate in advance: how far are you ready to go in this dispute and why? If the dialogue is hot enough, but nevertheless there is no aggression in it, everyone speaks honestly, openly and resort to reasonable argumentation, then such a discussion will only benefit and enrich all its participants. But it happens that the tension continues to grow, no one is going to give in to anyone, and the statements are becoming sharper. In such cases, it is time to understand that everything will end up with completely absurd accusations and obzyvatelstvami and it’s time to sort out a similar showdown. In any case, such a dialogue is equivalent to throwing beads. So if you know in advance that rational conversations are useless with some specific person, try to avoid disputes with him at any cost.
Remember, it’s not the one who brought the other to tears, insulted or humiliated wins the argument
How to curtail an unpleasant conversation, while avoiding a quarrel? The main thing - to try not to annoy the enemy. To do this, you can let him know that despite the fact that you are not ready to continue the discussion now, you may return to it some other time. You can appeal to the facts cited by your opponent in a conversation that, for example, I am not very familiar with what you are telling me, but I will definitely read about it and in the future we will again discuss this, and so on. Undoubtedly, if you understand that a person is impenetrable, then it is not at all necessary to ever return to this discussion, but at least this will create the appearance that the dialogue has remained open and will not offend anyone. You can also try to transfer the conversation to another topic (preferably narrative) or switch to a conversation with someone else.
It’s one thing if it’s about a random person you’ve just met at a party or confronted in the comments - it’s not a fact that you will ever have to communicate with him again. Quite another, if we are talking about a person with whom you are not indifferent. This may be a friend or family member - God forbid, for example, to argue with a parent about politics. In this case, all means are good and you can resort to the help of someone third (another friend or relative) who can explain to you that both of you are wrong or that you are not right and you should shake hands and calm down. You may have to accept and accept the fact that you will not change this person anyway, and now your task is to reduce the tension between you and try to relax both him and yourself. If this is a parent - to say that even if you have different opinions, but you still love him and you should not spoil the day with ridiculous arguments. However, it is possible to say the same to a friend, if this, of course, is true and adequate to the situation.
And remember, winning is not the one who brought the other to tears, insulted or humiliated. The winner is the one who stays cool to the end and can say: yes, you now call me a fool. But we know that I still have my arguments and my truth. And what do you have besides rage, anger and powerlessness?