“Head Pool”: How I Live After Brain Surgery
diseases and effects of operations - whether it is scars or impaired speech - it is not easy to accept as its new features. It is doubly difficult to love yourself at the age when you do not want to lag behind your peers or be a black sheep. Lesya Nikitina, a teenager who had surgery on the brain, told about the internal conflicts she had to decide after this and how she managed to improve relations with her own body.
I am twenty-five years old, and my life as a whole is no different from the life of my peers: there is a lot of work on weekdays, a lot of work on weekends. But nine years ago, my ideas about the future were vague. I remember the day when we heard the bad news: it was July heat, birds sang and really wanted to swim somewhere, and my mother in the front seat of the car sobbed quietly, looking at pictures of my head.
"I sawed a skull"
My condition worsened for a while, and after another half faint we went for an MRI. Doctors found a tumor in the head that blocked the circulation of cerebrospinal fluid - a whole "pool" was formed in the head. This fluid - cerebrospinal fluid - pressed on the brain, and this could be fatal at any moment. The summer for my family ended abruptly - we queued for a quota and began to prepare for the operation.
I must say that my autopsy scarecrow least of all. I was an excellent student, I was in the eleventh grade, I had to take the exam, go to university. I was horrified at the thought of losing a year, or even more. What about hair? The doctor said that he would have to shave his head well - and it seemed to me that life was broken. The first week after the diagnosis, I practically did not leave the room, could not touch the hair - they seemed to be disgusting, and they would still be cut off, why should I comb it? It seems that I just cried and did nothing else.
By the second half of the summer, I was more or less reconciled with my fate. In late August, it turned out that the queue for the operation would come closer to October. I missed the first of September - I read books that I liked, ate ice cream and walked around the Krasnoyarsk Academgorodok. I was afraid to make plans, and the doctors were very cautious with their predictions: the hope that the operation would be successful was weak. Nevertheless, the time came, and I was in the operating room. Everything lasted sixteen hours: I sawed the skull, removed the tumor, pumped out excess fluid and put a shunt.
"I have not seen myself for two months"
On October 31, 2008, I woke up with wild thirst in intensive care, my whole body ached. My head was terribly heavy, I could not move it, but the worst thing was that I did not see straight lines: everything was broken before my eyes. I spent a little more than a month in the hospital: I was learning to keep my balance and walk again, although it was very difficult because of the distortion of the picture before my eyes. I also heard a splash of fluid in my head: it was impossible to remove the entire volume, the remnants of the liquor had to go through the shunt. Hair, by the way, they decided to shave me only on the back of my head - however, after taking the drugs, they still fell out. After the operation it was necessary to drink pills, put droppers and restore motor and cognitive functions.
I have not seen myself for about two months. There were no large mirrors in the hospital, and the priorities were different: it was more important to walk along the wall to the toilet than to wander around looking for a reflective surface. When we arrived home, I did not recognize myself. It was not my face, not my body, not my hair — everything was alien. But the worst thing is that every day I became more and more. If on arriving home I could climb into half of my things, then after two weeks everything became small. The doctors who operated on me reassured that now the brain had finally started working normally and the body began to produce hormones. But I did not want to go half-and full.
"Every day like a bad trip"
Secretly from my mother, I began to lose weight: at first I caused vomiting after eating, and then I simply refused to eat - I thought that if friends saw me like this, then the portal to hell would immediately open. I did not show myself to anyone, rarely went on the social network and refused to meet, because you could always refer to the “rehabilitation period”. Perhaps this was the first mistake: now I realize that in such a situation it is very important to communicate with friends. But then I did not understand what was happening, but every day was like a bad trip; I was afraid of myself and others, I thought that I would end up in a mental hospital or lay hands on myself. I did not roll up the scandals - I just made a silent protest to everything around and, of course, to new myself.
Learned to come to their senses. It was too much to stay in school for the second year or to miss the time before entering university when my peers were supposed to become students. I began to prepare for the exam. I decided that I would go to philology, as this program was the easiest to master, and began to study the necessary subjects. And yet, running headlong to keep up with classmates was also a mistake. A break was needed to recover, to recover, to understand who I really want to be, but youthful maximalism did not allow me to do this.
It was hard to learn: if before I could have overlooked a paragraph once and the information was instantly remembered, now I had to re-read the chapters ten times with zero result. I was tired all the time, and there were still problems with speech: if earlier I had easily expressed my thoughts, now the difficulties began. Nevertheless, I passed the exam ERA well.
Once a good friend touched the back of my head and said that he was too strange to look and feel and not to tell anyone about the operation, - so I did
The first course of the institute has become a new school of socialization. I lost the habit of big companies, and here I was again among strangers. I really wanted to seem "ordinary", so I was hiding the details of my life, and when I was asked about the eleventh grade, I just made up stories. It was another mistake: do not hide the truth, so as not to seem "boring." A man is what he is and must live for himself and not for others.
I was also afraid to meet guys. Scars on my head, a changed figure, new hair - with self-esteem, I was not all right. Once a good friend touched the back of my head and said that he was too strange to look and feel and not to tell anyone better about the operation, so I did. The scars on his head covered the hedgehog, which grew into tight little curls: as a result, there were remnants of long straight hair in front, and a lamb behind. When the strands on the back of my head grew back, I cut off the rest of the hair to their length; after washing it turned out that the whole head is curled. Until now, when asked why I am so curly, I do not know how to respond. I don’t want to explain for a long time, and I don’t really want to, so I refer to genetics - it’s strange to talk about how I’ve gotten into my mind. ” Perhaps this is another mistake and I will understand it over time.
"It's never too late"
Now, when nine years have passed after the operation and people began to contact me, who are also preparing for serious interventions, I can speak freely about what happened. I understand how important is the support of the person who himself went through it. Nobody tells what to do, when it’s scary, how to tame a fantasy, how to deal with yourself then, how to communicate with people and not be afraid to admit to them in the previous operation.
My relationship with the body is still complicated, but I found the optimal diet and became more active. I understand that appearance will not be the same as before, but I try not to bring myself. In my first year in my mode, there was nothing for weeks but kefir, apples, and packs of laxatives — in the end, I started to have problems with my stomach and intestines. I overcame the difficulties myself, although, in an amicable way, with this it was necessary to immediately go to a psychologist; Now I know that there is a therapy that helps to harmonize with the body.
Nobody tells what to do, when it’s scary, how to tame a fantasy, how to cope with yourself, how to communicate with people and not be afraid to confess to them in the previous operation.
Recently, I have ceased to be afraid that they will start to perceive me inadequately - in any case, it gives me a changed speech: when I worry, I speak chaotically and with hesitations. Two years ago, I stumbled upon one of the VKontakte groups on a message from a girl who was going through an operation and was very afraid that something bad would happen. I wrote to her and shared my experience, told me what to expect at first, and asked me to write about the restoration process when she was allowed to use the gadgets. Now she is preparing to go to university.
You realize your mistakes only later, when you stay alone with yourself, look at life with detachment and start to get the missing pieces of the puzzle. But it is important that it is never too late. Even after many years, you can talk with your mom and talk about fears, let people close to you and try to make friends, realize that they love a person not for her appearance, no matter what metamorphosis happens to her. My husband considers me a strong man - no matter what shape my hair is.
