Emotional Maintenance: Why Women Feel for Two
"GIRL, SMILE!" - EVERYTHING FROM US DOUBT Received such advice from an unfamiliar man on the street, although it would seem, what the hell. Women are expected by default to goodwill and the ability to smooth out conflicts. This is what a former Google employee James Dimor wrote in his letter: he was fired for a manifesto, where he argued that the problem of sexism in the IT sphere was greatly exaggerated, and women should concentrate on working in the field of communications, because "they have towards this natural inclination. " The blind and often unreflected belief that women are naturally better able to communicate, help and support, of course, has nothing to do with gender, but has long become a habit for most people. As a result, women, willy-nilly, accepted free care about the emotions of others - the so-called emotional service - as a given.
Imitation of emotions
In the 80s, the term was invented, however, for a much more specific situation. The sociologist Arly Hochschild, in The Managed Heart, explored how people's lives change when the service sector begins to dominate the economy. It turned out that representatives of certain professions (for example, flight attendants and collectors) are forced to actively actively control or even imitate emotions, adjusting to the mood of clients in order to successfully fulfill their duties. Hochschild was worried about how emotional service at work affects the personal lives of employees, what expectations they put forward in their address, depending on gender, origin and income. After Hochschild, the phenomenon of emotional service was actively investigated, but only from the point of view of behavior in the workplace.
A couple of years ago, emotional service began to be perceived as a more extensive problem - a kind of imbalance that has developed in relations between men and women, where the latter perform more "emotional work." For example, a woman is expected to create a comfortable environment in a couple, support a man on the road to success, and take care of older relatives or small children. The list is endless, but it's not just about family relationships. Often, emotional services have to be dealt with at work, starting with collecting money for gifts to colleagues, ending with unpaid corporate planning and outdoor events.
A woman is expected to create a comfortable atmosphere in a couple, support a man on the road to success, and take care of older relatives or young children.
Emotional service is an “invisible” job, and it is well illustrated by popular wisdom, which encourages the husband to be the head and the wife the neck. So gray cardinal who anticipates all the feelings of a partner and directs them in the right direction. From the same place, there are toxic stereotypes about the "real woman", who always have the wisdom to keep the family, comfort and warmth in the house. In general, while men were allowed to openly experience only two emotions - stoic calmness and righteous anger, women were asked to deal with everything else. American psychotherapist Kristin Hutchison believes that even trips to the family psychotherapist are most often initiated by women, and at receptions sometimes you have to wait until the man speaks independently about his feelings, and will not rely on his partner in everything.
“We continue to support the false idea that women by nature feel, express and control emotions better than men. We just blame women for all responsibility for relationships while men simply pass,” said sociologist Lisa Hübner of West Chester University. Thus, men can initially be suspended from working on relationships, drown out or not cultivate empathy with their loved ones, or just ignore their own emotions. Patriarchal culture does not encourage, and often even condemns - this leads not only to problems in communication, but also to growing internal contradictions that do not find a way out.
Blur concepts
Due to the fact that emotional service is still a new term, they are trying to use it to denote various problems. Thus, in The Guardian and Harper's Bazaar, in connection with it, they raised the topic of the still unequal distribution of household responsibilities in the family, namely, the situation in which a woman remains the only one who takes over all the work of life planning. Lists of products, dates of birthdays of numerous relatives, payment of bills, a menu for a holiday or the most ordinary day - in general, a woman remains a manager while a man only fulfills her requests (even if regularly and diligently).
The Guardian released a more than intelligible comic to this effect, and columnist Gemma Hartley gave a very good example: her husband did not pay attention to the box in the aisle for several days, and when she decided to remove it, she asked why she didn’t turn to him. for help. The point is that many men are ready to help around the house, but they treat it as tasks that can be thrown out of my head, barely finished. Women, as a rule, do not stop thinking about cleaning, children and cooking, always being on their guard.
This is more about domestic inequality and the pitfalls of external equality - there is only fair frustration from emotions
The authors of the texts above also call this disproportion an emotional service. True, this is more about domestic inequality and the pitfalls of external equality - from emotions here is just a fair frustration experienced by women trying to fairly share housework, including delegating a part of their managerial duties to a man.
In late October, the Free Emotional Labor Club group appeared on Facebook, which was created by American left-wing activists. The project was launched so that people who are not well versed in politics and the social sphere could ask questions and receive in response something more than an arrogant one: “Googled”. Can we call an attempt to explain to a man the foundations of feminism, social democracy or molecular physics as emotional service? Rather, voluntary activism. However, the RedBook columnist Andrea Bartz considers emotional service even her attempts to promote gender equality at work.
Relationship market
In May 2015, a flash mob passed under the hashtag #GiveYourMoneyToWomen, in a tweeter, designed to show imperceptible work in pairs. Columnist Toast Jess Zimmerman even ironically offered a specific price: "Pay attention to your attempts - $ 50, pretend to be enraptured - $ 100, temper your ego so that you do not get angry - $ 150, quietly smile at your horrible joke - $ 200, explain the basics feminism for a five-year-old child - $ 300, listening to your ranting about women is priceless. " The flash mob predictably caused a mixed reaction even in the West.
Now, emotional service is spoken not only as a specific gender problem, but as an imbalance in relations between people in principle. In publics, it is recommended to think about whether your girlfriend complains too much about life, whether you should help without counting on something in return, and the Internet is replete with stories about how "I have ceased to be polite and become happy." People really enter into all sorts of toxic relationships, from physical abuse to constant manipulation and depreciation.
Researchers are inclined to believe that in the future, when robots and machines take over all the work, emotional service will remain the only area where people can apply their unique skills.
However, it is important to feel the line between a truly destructive relationship and difficult situations that, for example, your partner would like to overcome, counting on the support of a loved one. Emotional service, despite the obvious gender component, introduces a strange, repulsive element of bargaining into human relations, where the exchange must necessarily be equal, and the debtors are simply thrown out over the threshold. It is impossible to express in figures the price of emotional intimacy, and taking care of oneself should not turn into a constant suspicion that someone took a little more emotional resources than he should be.
Now women, indeed, more often work in areas that require emotional service. Nannies, nurses, kindergarten teachers are mostly women, and this situation is unlikely to change anytime soon. However, researchers are inclined to think that in the future, when robots and machines take over all the work, emotional service will remain almost the only area where people can apply their unique skills: empathy and sincere concern for others.
Photo:Brick Owl, Marek - stock.adobe.com, andy0man - stock.adobe.com
