"There is a priest, but there is no vagina": How to talk about sex with children
Good habits and a healthy attitude to life laid in people since childhood. The sexual sphere is not an exception: if in childhood they hid what sex is from a child, told about cabbage or slipped sexist books "for little princesses", it will not be easy to grow up with a healthy and relaxed attitude to sex. It is in our power, however, to facilitate the task for the new generation - or at least for our own children. We asked experts - psychologists, sexologists and progressive parents - about how to talk with children about sex.
Text: Daria Gavrilova
How old do you need to start talking to children about sex
Lena Averyanova
chief editor of the project for parents "No, this is normal," the mother of a four-year-old daughter
Talk with the child about the body, its organs and the device is now advised to start from two years, gradually moving further, expanding the range of topics and concepts. I believe that this is correct, because the topic is really important, and the sooner the dialogue begins, the better: physicality and everything connected with it should not be a gray spot in the communication between the parent and the child. I started telling my daughter about the body from about two - two and a half years. It was strange, because no one had such conversations with me, I have no experience in receiving such information from a significant adult, so I had to act on a whim.
The main thing in our talk is openness and honesty. I actively do not want my child to feel the shame associated with physicality, so I stop any hints of it. My husband and I are not ashamed of the child: if she enters the room, when one of us dresses, no one puts her out of the door, does not cry, "Do not look!" and not trying to pretend that something terrible has happened. At the same time, I am telling her about the importance of keeping boundaries and the fact that we do not do some things in front of everyone, but they can be done alone with ourselves - for example, to examine yourself, touch and study. And if there are questions - ask their parents. At the same time, I try not to use expressions like “do not be shy” in such conversations, because they all the same hint at the fact that it would be better not to discuss it.
How to answer the question, where do children come from
Evgenia Ivaschenko
sexologist
When a child of preschool or primary school age asks where children come from, he doesn’t want to talk to you about sex at all. Most likely, he is interested in issues of an existential nature - where he really came from in this world. That you know the answer, which can drive you into the paint, and he - no. Therefore, it is enough to give any answer that does not bother you personally and seems adequate. At this stage, it is enough to outline the picture and, most importantly, to convey the relationship. Attitude is a non-verbal thing. It is important that the child understand from your facial expressions, moods, voices that this topic is not forbidden, that he has not touched anything shameful, funny or dangerous. Therefore, speak exactly and as you feel comfortable.
Do not delay with the disclosure of this mystery to school age. It is better to give a son or daughter information accessible to their age at that time when the child himself does not see anything “such” in it. Then this knowledge will be perceived as neutral, just as information, without the layers of shame and embarrassed giggles. He or she will learn about the giggles from classmates, and it would be better if by that time the child had already formed a calm attitude.
Alik Kemalov
international coach of the educational project about sex Dance4Life
All the world's best practices boil down to the fact that the earlier a child learns about reproductive health, the better. It’s known that washing hands, brushing teeth and other habits is good, and it’s important to tell children about it, but how to protect yourself from STIs is for some reason a taboo subject. It is not necessary for the child to immediately talk about the types of sex and even more so about poses and other things, but it is important to speak directly and honestly. If we talk about the exact age, then I would set the bar at eleven or twelve years old - at this age it is worth telling about sex as a physiological process, where and why, how to protect yourself. Until this age, you must also be extremely honest, but do not go into details. If a child directly asks where he came from, then you should not deceive him about cabbage. I would say that children appear from the mother's belly.
Which vocabulary is better to use and whether you want to call a member "tap", and the vulva - "peach"
Nastya Krasilnikova
authoring channels "Your mother!" and "the robber's daughter":
It seems to me that sex education begins quite early, from the moment when you, in conversation with a child, begin to call different parts of his body. I call the sexual organ of my son the word "penis" and urge all close people to do the same (and although my son is not yet two years old, he knows this word perfectly). In my opinion, a healthy conversation about sexuality begins with this - with the ability to call parts of the body with a name. And it surprises me and jars upon the fact that children's content with which I adjoin is constructed in such a way as if the child’s genitals do not exist.
My son has several encyclopedias for kids from the same series - about the forest, about animals, about the farm. I wanted to buy a book of the same series about the human body, but it turned out that the genitals were simply not mentioned there, and changed my mind. Or, for example, in the educational cartoon “Malyshariki” there is a series about the body - all parts of the body are called there, but it is as if they “forget” about the genitals. And there is a wonderful song with the words: "Well, but the priest? This is the priest. The priest also needs to know. The priest - to dance!" Why does the priest need to know, but at the same time pretend that the penis and vagina does not exist? In general, there is nothing shameful in having a person's genitals, and I will try to make my child know this.
How to tell young children about the differences between boys and girls
Lena Averyanova
The daughter did not directly ask about the differences between the bodies of boys and girls, but she knows that she has a vulva and vagina, and the boys have a penis and testicles. She also knows about the euphemisms with which these organs are called: since many use them, I think it’s good to be aware of what the genitals can be called. Further, this conversation has not yet gone, apparently, it is simply uninteresting. But when this interest wakes up, I'll help you figure it out.
In general, we are also talking about gender and gender. For example, she watches Ru Paula’s show with me and asks, “Why do boys turn into girls?” I say that they like it and it happens that way too, you can be a boy, but you can dress and look like a girl. And vice versa.
Are there any good books about sex, body and sexuality for children?
Lena Averyanova
As I have already said, I don’t have accumulated practical experience of such conversations, so I often look for some clues to make it easier for me and the child to understand. Now a lot of cool instructions on how to talk with your child about sex can be found in the social networks of psychologists and educators. I advise, for example, Yulia Yarmolenko, the telegram channels “So they become gay” and “No means no”, the blog “The Philosophy of Sexuality”. Unfortunately, there are almost no books about sex and consent for children in Russian - apparently, braces are doing their job. But sometimes you can find something - there is a good book, "Let's talk about it," it just says about the differences between boys and girls, and about relationships, and about pregnancy.
Do speak with children about the principle of consent
Nastya Krasilnikova
Of course, I will talk with the child about the principle of consent. It seems to me that one can begin from the moment when he learns to understand words and interact with other people. My plan is to explain to my son what borders are - his own and others'. I will try to convey to him that the principle of consent works in life in general, and not only in the sexual sphere: it would be good to ask the person’s consent if you want to take his toy, are you going to touch him or want to involve him in the game. This may sound crazy, because children are such immediate beings, but I will do everything in my power to ensure that respect for the freedom of another person for my son is something that goes without saying. I will tell him about the principle of consent in the sexual sphere when he begins to be interested in other people in a romantic or sexual sense.
How to respond to baby masturbation
Evgenia Ivaschenko
I proceed from the position that every person, no matter how old he is, has the right to dispose of his body. Yes, the parent is obliged to protect the child from potentially dangerous actions (such as "fingers in the socket"), but masturbation does not pose a danger to either health or the psyche. In addition, parents are often mistaken for masturbation of a situation where a child simply touches his genitals by studying them. With the same success, he could study his own heel - although the heel is not so interesting, because it has fewer nerve endings.
If you accidentally caught the child behind “these,” it is a reasonable and polite choice to act as if you did not notice anything. Most likely, the child himself will understand that you need to switch, and the situation will resolve itself. If the child has not ceased, you can just put it mildly that he or she can do it alone. Here you can, picking up words depending on age, gently explain what intimacy is. As a rule, children understand such things well. Just like at a certain point, they begin to close the door to the toilet. Childish masturbation is normal, and the parent's task is not to burden the child with a sense of shame and not to hang a taboo on everything related to physicality, but to show that the theme of relationships with your body deserves every respect.
How and when to talk about pedophiles, harassment, rape and other negative aspects of sex.
Nastya Krasilnikova
First of all, the child needs to be told that there are personal boundaries that other people cannot violate. Of course, I will explain to him that his body is his body, and no one can demand physical contact from him, including parents and other close relatives. We will discuss safety and the ability to listen to yourself. I try to build our relationship so that he can trust not only me, but also himself and his own feelings. It seems to me wrong to frighten a child with negative aspects of sexual life before a more or less conscious age, but if he asks me who are pedophiles or what is harassment, I will definitely explain to him.
Photo: Anthony Paz - stock.adobe.com, lalouetto - stock.adobe.com, michaklootwijk - stock.adobe.com