What if a girl behaves like a man on a dating site
We asked Tatiana Nikonov, familiar with Russian and Western dating sites, conduct an experiment: create a profile with your most natural photos, start writing to men first and behave like you don’t usually act like women. And then tell what came of it.
Recently, when you want big and pure love in the hayloft (or without), people willingly go to dating sites - only in the USA there are more than 40 million users. According to the research, the dating services occupy the second most popular meeting place (the first is still an acquaintance through mutual friends), and every fourth couple met on the corresponding site, and this figure is constantly growing.
However, there, as in any other place, it is easy for a woman to run into rude and offensive forms of attention. Physical distance additionally unleashes his hands, so many in the expressions are not shy. Sometimes one even gets the feeling that men behave at the datacom service, as in a store, looking at the “goods” and clarifying the performance characteristics without a curtsey. Additionally, they upset (and they upset) the offers of sex in the very first lines. User profiles are not so informative, to immediately know the person, which means that on the move sending a request for sex or desired you solely on the photo you liked, or he did not care with anyone, just to agree. That is, sex is not offered specifically surprising to you, but an abstract vagina that waits for its prince from the Internet for a one-time adventure. If you need an example of dehumanization, use.
A normal person, in most cases, hopes that he will want it, and not sexual function.
It is curious that women themselves are not against adventures at all. Moreover, according to statistics for the last year, a third of women had sex on the first date after they met at the dating service. However, it seems to me that a normal person in most cases hopes that it is his, and not sexual function, that is desired, and it is expected that the desire for a date will arise from mutual enthusiasm and arisen attraction during some kind of communication. In short, the adventures should be exciting and emotionally intense, and we did not write to the attendants.
My personal experience on the dating services is quite extensive: there were stupid stories and incredible acquaintances, somehow even a stunning boyfriend was found (they discussed the Game of Thrones for a couple of days - how it could end). I used to ignore online harassment, but sometimes I wondered: who are all these people who are aggressively inviting them to number? What exactly are they counting on? Is the contingent of dating services through one - dashing satire with packs of condoms in all pockets? Why is unwillingness to respond to the sexual call leads to insults? Maybe, in fact, men are really ready to rush on everything that moves, and intrusiveness is not arrogance and a consumer attitude, but simply a lack of empathy and the inability to understand the mindset of another person?
I decided to test the hypothesis “this is unintelligible, not objectification” as follows: I spent several days on the dating site, offering the men a meeting on the go. It is logical to assume that if male users of the mailing service actively offer sex, they should be willing to respond to the call - after all, you don’t even need to move, it’s come. For fidelity, I modeled the typical behavior of waving sentences so that it would not turn out that we mean something different.
For the experiment, I chose the Badoo site - this is a popular international service, where the audience is motley, and in the end the picture should have turned out to be more realistic. Unlike the fashionable Tinder, Badoo does not require a mark of mutual sympathy to start a conversation - under the terms of the task, the invitation must proceed without a wink. Moreover, Badoo is distinguished from Mamba and its partners by the fact that there is practically no search and offer of sexual services for money and, accordingly, no misunderstanding should arise.
Authors of exciting offers usually do not shine with beauty and well-groomed, and I was going to act exactly as they
The problem immediately arose in the fact that the site can not send messages to more than ten new contacts per day, and I was going to dial at least a hundred in a week. I’ll say right away that it was not easy - at some point such a number of men merge into such a monotonous spot that you distinguish them only by spelling errors. Nevertheless, I boldly created two profiles and with particular attention approached their design. In both I indicated my own name and age, 36 years old - and the service immediately offered men from 31 to 46. But this is not my size, so I greatly expanded the search in the direction of younger ones - such a spread is more suitable for me personally and for the experiment: Men on websites usually prefer to write to girls younger than themselves.
We had to carefully select our own photos: we decided that we should not put “typically female” ones: without cosmetics, processing, nudity and inviting poses. In addition, in a personal conversation, an employee of one dating service somehow told me that they don’t peck at ordinary images from ordinary life. In addition, the authors of exciting proposals themselves usually do not shine with beauty and well-groomed, and I remind you, I was going to act exactly like them. Interests indicated, taking a few neutral from the list of the most popular, but even they are enough to start a sane conversation.
In the sample were sent all the men in a row, past several filters. In order not to be sprayed on fake, abandoned and other unsuitable accounts, I turned to those obviously interested in new contacts, namely those who paid for the promotion of their profile. All services of this type have the function "Increase in search results". The first pages of photos that fall out on any request (in my case "Moscow, 22-46") are from users who paid for the first places in the issue. It is used often, because otherwise you will get lost on distant pages where no one will ever find you. I wrote to everyone in a row, regardless of whether they liked me or not.
Cleared from the list of users who are not participating in the rating (it is calculated from "yes / no" ratings by automatically selected users). In my view, passively exposing oneself to the very top is sufficient, but it is interesting to get some more information about the user. Of course, in this case, the number of those who agreed to the meeting should be somewhat overstated - this is not the average temperature in the hospital. I myself participated in the rankings in order to roughly understand how the local public perceives me and my position in the local hierarchy of attractiveness. I did not write to those who paid attention to me with likes or attempts to get acquainted, since the rules of the experiment meant only my initiative.
Men who had themselves come out to me before usually used an appeal like "baby", "baby" and "little girl"
I addressed men in the same way as they used to me before — and to any other women in similar cases, that is, in a characteristic condescending tone. Men, who themselves came to me before, usually used the treatment like "baby", "baby", "babe" and other diminutive treatment. This is a tricky approach - thanks to him, the addressee immediately feels humiliated and more calmly perceives a patronizing tone and pressure. Usually, this is how women are addressed, and not only on the dating sites - any street pick-up artist will more likely turn to you as a “hare” than as a “goddess”. Well, or first as a "goddess", and then quickly cut to a "rabbit".
Another pickup artist known to me is an appeal to you. It creates the illusion that you have known each other for a long time and have skipped the phase of careful sniffing. However, I have often come across the usual misunderstanding of why politeness is needed when meeting (a strange question). I sent the first messages, focusing on the appearance of the "victim", using the definitions of "cute", "cute", "sexy", "charming", etc. Men often think that they make a weighty compliment telling about your attractiveness, although no one asked them especially. Discussing something exciting (“Game of Thrones”!), It is much easier to cause and retain interest. Out of curiosity, I wrote to every other person, describing his overall attractiveness, like "You are so sweet." You are already sick, and I got it more than once. To the remaining half she turned, resting on specific features of her appearance, for example, "Sexy Look" or "Cool Feet." Unfortunately, I hardly met really cool legs, so I had to invent them on the go.
In five days I had 100 contacts, one had to be thrown away (judging by the answer, it was a fake profile from a marriage agency), and I divided the remaining 99 into categories - those who responded and did not respond to my ardent appeal. Positive were all those who gave direct consent to the meeting or put forward a counter offer. For example, they were not ready to meet immediately, but offered to see someday else. Negative answers: polite and not-so-bad refusals, “I don't know”, as well as all the scanned, but unanswered messages. Refusal to respond - this is also a failure in the meeting. Of course, I did not schedule any specific meetings - this is ugly in relation to unsuspecting research participants. It was enough to get an unequivocal consent in response to the offer of a meeting from a playfully minded stranger.
So, in my hands was almost a hundred men, hardworking listed in the table, graphs and subjected to manual counting. Did I succeed in proving that male users of the mailing service are sleeping and seeing how to get under someone's skirt? Yes, actually, no. It turned out that less than half of those who received the offer responded to me, and less than a third received positive answers. Let me remind you, this is theoretically a higher figure than on average, because I addressed only to men who paid to be in sight, and actively evaluated other people's profiles - that is, in principle, they are ready to meet and meet.
Less than a third agreed! Yes, it is less than the number of women who had sex on the first date. My theory crumbled to dust. On the other hand, the sample was not extensive enough for serious research, so I looked at the answers from the other side. To do this, I compared the age and the rating of research participants with mine, because the reaction was probably corrected by the components of my application. If I had a profile in my profile, 25-year-old Angelina Jolie or 70-year-old Jane Fonda, the data could be quite different.
In the diagram below, the vertical axis shows the age scale of my poor experimental subjects, the horizontal one shows a personal rating. It cannot be said that the rating absolutely accurately shows the attractiveness of a person with the opposite sex. Not all people who are attractive in life know how to put the right photos, not all popular and interesting people are attractive enough in photos, not all highly appreciated photos make you want to meet, and so on. But approximately it seems to be true, sometimes frightening. For example, a user with a rating of 7.61 is the owner of photos of a 40-year-old youthful, looking very successful man, looking for someone older than 30 according to the questionnaire. Yes, this is the same marriage agency questionnaire, it was created by professionals. The owner of the questionnaire with a rating of 5.10 indicates that he is 38, he is married and is looking for "adequacy" (read: mistress without requests). My rating at the time of sending messages was 6.10, that is, rather low, which is understandable: neither the photos on the beach, nor the draft postures, nor the neckline for half the frame. So I put myself in the center of the graph - at the point of intersection of the coordinate axes.
What does this chart show? Yes, in general, something in life. Highly rated people are less likely to agree to coarse offers, especially if they themselves are younger than the requester. They clearly believe that they have a large choice, which means that it is necessary to choose meticulously. It is easier to get consent from a person who is rated significantly lower than you, than from a rated one much higher. Low self-esteem leads to agreement on almost anything, hence the "simpapuli". Young men agree more often than more mature ones - I suppose that in the hope of a decent sexual experience for older women, especially if she offers. Peers prefer someone else - in Russia it is still customary to be interested in women younger than themselves. It is interesting that younger and more popular men refuse to give up rather than just keep silent. If you are young and welcome, you can’t be silent.
Next, I took up consideration of responses to requests of various types. I used two methods: "common" ("what a cute baby doll") and "specifics" ("I want to touch such a stomach"). The second variant seems to me more disgusting, since the first one at least fits into the generally accepted schemes of positive evaluation of women. No one gave men the right to pester us with their assessments, but if practically everything is done in this way, it is difficult to blame for following universal standards. But the "specifics" - this is a natural dismemberment. Men write about your legs, eyes, lips and ass, leaving behind the frame the existence of the person to whom it all belongs. However, it turned out that when referring to the men themselves, the "specifics" gives more than one and a half times more positive response than the sentences "in general". That is, men perceive this approach as personal attention, not objectification. Either they have not received compliments for a long time.
What did I end up looking for the hordes of horny? In fact, men in their behavior on dating sites are not too different from women. They want individual attention to their own personality, rather than stamped references. For the most part, they are not ready to jump into bed with just anyone, and their self-esteem depends in the same way on the assessment of those around them, even if we are talking only about photographs. A man is also a person who wants to be valued and respected, and then you can go to bed.
What else? High willingness to have sex without first acquaintance does not mean appreciation of you personally. If you stubbornly stick or immediately agree to have sex, most likely, the man does not care about you at all. He wants sex at least with someone, and you do not distribute any special fluids of sexual irresistibility. I do not have a single photo in a bathing suit. All that man knew about me is that I consider him sexy. Independently they did not know this. Of course, dating is a difficult thing, and many simply do not understand that trying to interest and coarse harassment is not at all the same thing. It is better to seem ridiculous or stupid, but not rude and disgusting. Even a clearly unpromising character can captivate a girl on a normal date, and yet every third, as we know, loves adventure.