“They will have a cupcake!”: How to overcome shame and talk about sex
"WE ARE COMING TO BE ENGAGED IN SEX BY PROTOCOL, certified by a notary! "- so usually ironic over the principle of consent. And although the conversation about preferences in sex is often the key to a great time spent, talking about them in Russian is still not accepted. At best, people still" embarrassed " or "strange" to do it. Find out how an open dialogue helps to understand its features, avoid trouble and make sex as exciting as possible.
TEXT: Sasha Kazantseva, leading telegram channel "washed hands"
Before, during and after
Each person has his own unique set of needs and limitations, psychological and bodily features, on which it depends how we love to have sex. Guessing without discussion how each of the participants imagines "good sex" is difficult - especially since there are really many practices. “When I first have sex with a new partner or partner, I often find myself thinking:“ What is happening at all? Do I really want it? ”Says Margot. - I often think about discussing wishes to“ before ” rather than “after” to understand how much they match. "
The fact that cool sex develops by itself, and the partner must intuitively understand what we like, no more than a myth. In fact, it may turn out that one side wants a gentle and slow interaction, and the other - an intensive one; or that it is important for both to be in the leading role. Someone has a low pain threshold or there are limitations in mobility; for someone, vaginal penetration is impossible, someone does not want to stop, and someone plans to “fight” by default for a partner orgasm to the last. Preliminary discussion helps to avoid disappointment, orient one another’s needs, not to violate other people's borders and take care of one’s own. Even if everything suits you in sex, your partner or partner will surely be pleased to hear why this is so - and even such conversations can start up on their own. In any case, an open discussion will advance the relationship - both with another person and with himself.
Preliminary discussion helps to avoid disappointment, orient one another’s needs, not to violate foreign borders, and take care of one’s
During a conversation before sex, especially the first, it is important to discuss how you will communicate in the process. Someone can say directly during sex, if something is not pleasant, it is more difficult for someone - in such cases you can agree on a non-verbal sign system and a stop word, the latter also solves the question of "spontaneity." The extent to which sexual interaction is discussed in detail depends on specific people. You can say: “I don’t want to discuss anything except preservation, if something goes wrong, I’ll just say 'abracadabra'” - this is also a form of sex agreement, which takes into account the principle of consent. However, this approach is more suitable for those who are planning to be a host. If you want to lead or dominate, then you need to retire from the comfort of the one whose position implies greater vulnerability.
Discussion after sex can also be pleasant and unifying. Using "I-statements" and avoiding ratings, you can talk about what you liked and want to repeat next time, and which experiments are better to pause. It is not necessary to hush up even unpleasant incidents in order to understand how you can better take care of each other in the future. Sometimes insights come at all "backdating" - a week or even a month after sexual contact. However, despite the fact that in our country it is customary to react in the spirit of “Why didn’t you just say it right away?”, There is no rule prescribing to understand everything at once. Especially in the sexual sphere, which most of us did not teach anyone to reflex. It is absolutely legitimate to voice a new look at things even after a while - this conversation ultimately concerns all sex participants.
Why are women harder to talk about sex
“It’s hard for me to admit out loud what I want: it seems that if I say,“ enter with my fingers, ”the world will collapse,” Katya admits. Few of us were taught to talk about sex openly, but shame from talking about it instilled in many. “Some of my clients have heard from teachers and parents that“ talking about sex is embarrassing, ”or that only perverts do it,” notes therapist Olga Razmahova. “Most of us grew up in an environment where the topic of sex did not come up, so we automatically avoid verbalization. Even those who just want to think freely about sex have to overcome an internal barrier, allow themselves such thoughts. "
Since childhood, this kind of talk is served as forbidden - and without explanation, - so that in adulthood we avoid them from the subconscious fear of being rejected. Talking about desires and feelings is not easy, but it is likely that it will benefit not only you, but also everyone with whom you have sex. In this case, the dialogue may be afraid, for example, both people in a couple - and not to talk about their sex for years. “Andrey and I lived together for almost six years, but we started discussing our sex only when we went to family therapy. We learned a lot about each other. For example, some things didn’t like me or him - it just seemed to both of them that “" - says Julia.
Talking about desires and feelings is not easy, but it is likely that it will benefit not only you, but also everyone with whom you have sex.
Where do ideas about what is "appropriate" and "not appropriate" in sex come from? Back in the 1970s, scientists John Gagnon and William Simon introduced the concept of "sexual scenarios" - a kind of "rules of conduct" that mass culture supports. So, the authors write that the sexual scenario for men in the United States is “to know what to do,” and for women to be led. This approach assumes that "men do not ask," and women, respectively, "do not speak" and that if you violate this tacit agreement, the excitement will immediately disappear.
According to the concept, we build perceptions, expectations and behavior in sex based on such cultural scenarios. Not surprisingly, it is much more difficult for women to start talking about sex: the above-described idea, unfortunately, is still alive. An extensive study of the University of Michigan, which was attended by 8,500 women and men, showed that men call “bad sex” the one in which they did not get enough physical discharge, and women the one in which they experienced significant emotional discomfort or physical pain. Another study found that women may not inform partners that they experience regular pain during sex. Even when it comes to such a serious thing as physical discomfort, many are still afraid to admit it for fear of being "wrong" and imposed on the habit of putting someone else's pleasure above their own.
In the very shame before the topic of sex there is nothing shameful: given the conditions in which our relationship with sexuality was formed, it is rare for anyone to start talking about it immediately, easily and without embarrassment. It is important not to "shame ourselves for shame" and remember that most of our experiences are certainly understandable to the interlocutor. Excellent reception - just say about embarrassment, articulate fears and ask for support. “To speak about our shame means to stand in the position of vulnerability,” Olga Razmakhova comments. “When we are ready to be frank, even if it is not easy for us, it causes respect and makes the conversation productive.” Experience of shame and "shame for shame" is in most people, the main thing is to avoid value judgments and speak in the first person - this helps the person next to feel calmer and also be honest.
How to build a conversation
As in any sphere of life, in sex it is easier for many to talk about positive wishes than about restrictions, and it is often easier to mention features that we perceive as “generally accepted” - but nonetheless it is important not to ignore even complex topics. “I started reading sex blogs and at some point I told a partner:“ So, we are adults, we have sex. Let's sit down and discuss what someone likes, ”Ekaterina shares her experience.“ I also asked the partner to directly ask me if I want to have sex - because earlier he immediately went into action: he started to caress me, I answered on the machine - and it was not possible to think whether I want sex or not. "
An important conversation about sex is often recommended to be held in a neutral setting without a sexual context - that is, dressed and not in the bedroom. This will help to focus on the dialogue and bring it to the end, not to “float” into spontaneous sex, and also to feel safe, which is especially important if you have to discuss unpleasant situations. The time for such a conversation can also be planned in advance: it is possible that some of you will need to prepare or simply psychologically tune in.
Talking about sex is often recommended to be conducted in a neutral setting without a sexual context - that is, dressed and not in the bedroom.
You can think in advance about the wording. For example, before the first sex you can offer: "Let's discuss what is important for us in sex. What we like and what exactly does not fit." As a rule, the second person in the conversation is easier to overcome embarrassment, so ask your partner or partner to talk about yourself first, explaining that this will help you cope with your anxiety. Speaking of reasons often helps to build a conversation on a difficult topic: "I'm so embarrassed! But I understand what to say better than to keep silent."
This is normal if for self-support during a conversation you need to close your eyes, walk around the room, cover yourself with a blanket, turn to the wall, or touch something in your hands. If in doubt, will they understand you correctly - just warn about it. Finally, do not be afraid to ask questions in order to maintain an emotional connection during a conversation: check with your interlocutor whether she or he is comfortable speaking in such formulations on a specific topic and in such an order. If all this time you uttered a monologue, then politely ask for feedback on its completion.
Cupcake, Mushroom and Rabbing
The fact that the Russian language is poorly adapted for talking about sex was not written only by the lazy: we lack vocabulary and examples of its use. Thus, most genital names refer either to medical terms or to expletives, while sexual practice names - rabbing, fingering, dry humping, pegging - do have to be borrowed. It is not surprising that bilingual people often choose other languages for discussion: “I have been living in Russia for a long time and, naturally, I speak Russian,” says Saskia. “But when I have the opportunity to discuss sex with partners in English, I switch to it. I just don’t understand how to talk about all this in Russian! "
Those who start talking about sex in Russia now — not even in a public field, but simply in their bedroom — have to be the pioneers. “We call the genitals with a guy with funny words“ pissing ”or“ pussy ”,” Catherine says. “Although after he was circumcised and the penis looked like a mushroom, I can call his organ“ Mr. mushroom ”:“ How is Mr. a mushroom? ”or“ Why is Mr. Mushroom so tense? ”“ When I ask for something in sex, can I not call the organs directly, for example, “Lick me” or “Can I kiss you here?” ".
Some, on the contrary, prefer to avoid allegories: "I like to call the organs in ordinary words:" vulva "," vagina "," clitoris "," member "," eggs ", - describes his sex-vocabulary Nu. - To negotiate something in sex, I also prefer straight: “I want you to touch my clitoris with your tongue”, “Insert two fingers in my ass”, “Can I bite you on the nipple?”, “Can I stick your fingers in my mouth?” With my euphemisms it does not add up: once I asked to “take me from behind,” referring to anal sex, - a person could not understand for a long time what exactly I was . Chu, for example or for me, please, "fuck me" means a rigid penetration and one for my partner - a penetration Too was a misunderstanding. ".
"Instead of the word" sex "periodically use" cupcake ", advertising of cupcakes in the microwave with the slogan" And in forty-five seconds they will have a cupcake! "
Arina says that in addition to the standard "Let's have sex" and "How about fuck?" she and the girl use non-obvious phrases: “We offered each other“ eat apples ”when we read that we used this expression to describe sex in Russian folk ballads - we have the same thing. Are we going to cook dinner or lesbian? "In Hannah Gadsby's stand-up. To offer something in sex is convenient for us with phrases like" Kitty, can you please ... "or" Kitty, and how would you react if .... "We call vibrators" friends ": we have a pink friend and purple friend. Instead of the word "sex" is periodically used zuem "cupcake", cakes affected advertising in the microwave with the slogan "And forty-five seconds, they will have a cupcake!", obviously hinting not only at the bakery. "
Sexual vocabulary in the Russian language includes many injective expressions, and it is not surprising that in the conditions of lack of terms such words take root. In addition, a junk talk (he is dirty talk) can start during sex - the main thing is that both men like this practice. “Despite the fact that I work with scientific texts and we speak“ penis ”,“ vulva ”and“ scrotum ”in the ordinary language, it was in sex with my partner that the sworn“ x * nd ”and“ n * * yes ". In general, I really like to talk about sex - to describe what I want, to discuss after what I liked, to recall past times and to resold them. However, it is still difficult for me to ask for something during sex - I'm afraid to knock down the mood of my partner or partner. Usually I just try to catch a moment that seems acceptable to me, and ask for the type of “slamming m Yenya, “fuck me in the mouth” or say “I want to lick your breasts” and look questioningly. With men I talk about sex is a little more difficult, with women - easier, ”says Yulia.
To find the right words, and most importantly, to understand how they sound in lively speech, you can read Russian-language sex blogs, modern educational literature on sex, or watch TV shows on the topic of sexuality. If you find the actual term in English, but do not know how to translate it into Russian, feel free to use the original, just do not forget to explain its meaning to the interlocutors. No one will dare to accuse you of "rabbing" instead of "rubbing against each other crotch", if you feel more comfortable with that.
But one thing is to want to say - and another to say out loud. Even after reading all the sex literature and expanding vocabulary to impossibility, it can still be difficult. For such cases, the psychotherapist Olga Razmakhova recommends using this method: "When it’s already clear what you want to say, but it’s still not clear how - you should try to talk about sex out loud alone with yourself, in front of a mirror. At first it can be funny and even“ embarrassing before reflection ” "But it will be easier over time. If it’s not possible to discuss sex with a partner or partner, it will be great if you can find at least one person with whom you can speak freely about a topic - a psychologist, a close friend or friend." Simply put, practice and practice again.
And if I refuse?
Of course, when we openly offer something, we may face a refusal - and this is normal. However, it is the fear of failure that often prevents people from sharing their sexual desires. So that the reaction does not frighten, it is important to remember that asking a direct question in the spirit of "Do you want to have sex?" or "How do you take me to spank you?", we take care. So we offer a partner or partner to calmly reflect their need, choose "yes" or "no", "want" or "do not want." If you are denied a sexual offer, it means that you at least managed to create comfortable conditions so that the person listened to himself, disagreed out of politeness or confusion, and could take care of his borders. Those who do not ask do not get rejected - and you definitely have a reason to praise yourself, firstly, for courage, and secondly, for supporting a culture of careful and ethical dialogue.
If you feel embarrassed or ashamed after the refusal - this is also normal, and this can also be said. The fear of failure and the experiences associated with it are familiar to many, your partner or partner is certainly not an exception. Discussing with each other feelings related to refusals, as well as showing respect for the boundaries of another person, we make the contact more trustworthy, and the refusals themselves - less scary.
Illustrations: Anya Oreshina