"Like a ball game": Girls about the difference between flirting and harassment at work
UNTIL THE MEMBERS OF THE ETHICAL COMMISSION STATE DUMA ARRIVEthat women might be offended if they didn’t “give them signs of attention,” we decided to find out where the girls themselves draw the line between harassment and flirting. We have already explained how to recognize harassment and why any relationship in the circumstances of the hierarchy turns out to be a problem. Today, the heroines - those who have been solicited in the workplace, and those who have built a relationship with a colleague - understand the difference between the office novel and the manifestation of power.
At the previous place of work I had an unpleasant manager - it became clear at corporate party a couple of weeks after my arrival. Before that, I was very quiet, and at the party I drank champagne and began to communicate with everyone. This guy ran to the store, bought brandy - I noticed it and, without a second thought, asked me to treat me. I got drunk decently, and the manager began to wink at me, said something like: "And I thought you were quiet, but you were not at all. You will soon be promoted." I did not react at all. At the end of the evening I was sitting on a chair somewhere in the corner and was going to go home, a colleague sat down next to her and in a whisper offered to go to him. I refused, after which he repeated this request again ten. In the end, I just called a taxi and went home.
The next day I was very uncomfortable, and I told the girl colleagues about what had happened. It turned out that this guy also offered them to go to his home - he was coming to all women under the age of twenty-five. Considering that they were all his subordinates, I do not consider this an acceptable behavior. Personally, he did not touch me, did not try to embrace and so on, but one of my colleagues was less fortunate. We were glad when he was fired - though not for harassment.
Now I work in a more pleasant place, where everyone behaves as correctly as possible, even when they get drunk. In my opinion, flirting at work is OK, if you work in different departments and are not connected in any way by hierarchy. But if flirting occurs in pairs “a boss is a subordinate,” then one of the people has more power that she or he can use to put pressure on the other. This creates an unhealthy situation that can lead to violence.
I encounter everyday harassment, if not every day, then once every two or three days exactly - due to the specifics of the work and the modern Russian mentality. I work in the service station, mostly communicate with male buyers, and the team is also overwhelmingly male.
Comments about my ass, an offer to go to someone's home, immodest questions or scabrous jokes - all this happens to me all the time at work. In this case, the harassment is just ostentatious, because their goal is not to force me to something, but to be cool in the eyes of other men. For me, this is obvious, because as soon as the viewers disappear, colleagues become adequate. And neither my appearance nor my behavior influences these situations - only the presence of the audience. A sharp flinch or a rude response from witnesses at the time solves this problem - until someone again wants to show off.
I am against all such antics. I’m rude in response to humiliation and don’t let my colleagues assert themselves at my expense. In my opinion, harassment is about power, not about flirting, about "putting in place" "overblown women." This is the same everyday tool that diminishes the value of women's work and strengthens the usual structure of the world. In my opinion, at work you need to work, and outside it everyone decides for himself what is acceptable for him - where is the compliment, and where is the abomination and manifestation of power.
Several years ago I worked for a company engaged in international passenger transport; My duties included, among other things, communicating with drivers. Mostly they were nice and kind, some brought small gifts - a bottle of champagne, chocolate, they could kiss on the cheek or hug. I perceived it as a manifestation of fatherly care: I was twenty-five, and they were all over fifty.
But at some point, the kisses on the cheek became too slobbery and moved to the lips altogether, and the hand of one of them was on my knee. Probably, I was too naive, since I didn’t understand what was happening, right away: I grew up without a father and I didn’t want to take the attention of such adult men in a sexual way. It seemed that I spat in the soul. I do not know how I would continue to work, but soon after that I was fired, and the situation resolved itself. I learned a lesson that you should not underestimate men and write them down to disinterested old men only because they suit me as fathers.
Nevertheless, many people start relationships at work - it seems to me that this is normal, but we spend most of the time there. Flirt is like a game. If you threw the ball, and you did not throw it back, you need to understand that this is all. But if flirting between colleagues is easy to imagine, then between the boss and the subordinate is already more difficult. The latter may be trivially afraid to lose work and agree on what he does not want. However, I think that if the feelings are truly mutual, then the relationship can be formed in this case as well.
I had a vivid example of harassment associated with one of the major clients. I accompanied him on a business trip; after long negotiations and a business dinner, we were together in the elevator. At first we talked naturally, but suddenly he changed his face and offered to continue the conversation in his room. Fear, panic, shock, awkwardness - I was taken by surprise, so I could only look away and say no. He continued to insist, but in the end I managed to bring the situation to zero and not to provoke a conflict.
After that, I was worried for a long time what would happen to our business relationship now, whether it is necessary to talk to the manager in order to transfer the client to someone else. But in the end I decided to leave it between us until the next unacceptable signal. A lot of time has passed since then, but there were no more problems with the client - as if he, on the contrary, began to behave professionally in my presence.
For me, the permissible flirting at work is a compliment to appearance, professionalism, competence. It is always nice to hear the encouraging words of colleagues, partners and managers. But a lot depends on the wording, place and time. Even a compliment can be made by crossing the border. I think the main thing in this business is to have tact and to observe general rules of etiquette.
About five years ago I came to work in a startup with a very small team - about six people. Everyone was young and friendly, and only one of the guys was married, which the boss immediately told me. And this married guy started to look after me very delicately - at first it was difficult to understand what he means. He washed coffee cups for me, stayed at work a little longer when I was late. Periodically, we went somewhere after work, and when I got sick, he brought me a bag of medicines and oranges. We corresponded, exchanged songs in iTunes. However, everything was very innocent: I liked the boy, but because he was married, I perceived what was happening as a harmless flirtation.
All this was terribly strange, because the team was small and our feelings were noticeable. Flirt lasted about six months, until he decided to admit to liking openly. I terribly panicked because I didn’t want to become the reason for the divorce, and I sharply refused him - maybe even offended. From this job I soon quit for another reason, and he got divorced (also not because of me).
I had another classic situation. My colleague, super friend and a great guy, somehow plucked up courage and called me not a date. I tried to explain everything and politely refused him. But he wrote to me anyway: he called out to smoke, go somewhere, asked where I was - as if the first step gave him courage. As a result, I almost stopped responding to messages. The situation was very uncomfortable, because this is a cool person who did not want to send to hell - but he did not accept the refusal. Perhaps some men consider such persistence to be correct, because they present themselves inside the story of the romantic conquest, and the girl is put in the place of the flirt, which deliberately refuses them. In my opinion, this is an outdated view of things, which has long ceased to work and only hinders. So if someone says no, everything should be obvious.
If you understand that a person is not just flirting for the sake of flirting, you need to be courageous and honestly say: "Sorry, nothing will come of it." And if you then change your mind, you can always call for a date itself again - there is nothing wrong with that. I think earlier, if someone was cute at work, you had to call a person for coffee or find an excuse to make a photocopy together - in general, everything is much simpler now. Coming to a new place, in any case, you begin to follow all your colleagues on Facebook and Instagram, and it’s very easy to find a reason to draw attention to yourself in social networks. Although in general it seems to me that a novel at work is rather awkward, and sooner or later someone will have to quit.
Now I meet a guy who was once my boss. When I got a job, we both moved away from a long relationship and were in the mood to hang out - especially since at that time the office started every Friday at the office; sometimes we gathered at his apartment. In general, he is a very sociable person, and I do not remember that at first he would give me more attention than the others.
I have been friends with guys all my life, and the fact that I had another friend with whom I could go to the club was absolutely normal. Then, for some reason, we began to stay together more often, although there were no plans for a relationship - perhaps both of us were a little sad and lonely. As a result, we realized that we could not do without each other, but we decided not to advertise relations at work. It was hard to hide because we came and went together. Colleagues periodically asked whether we were together or not, and in the end we were forced to confess during one of the smoke breaks.
Flirting is a very delicate story, and everyone perceives it in their own way. If a colleague invites me to drink coffee together - this is normal, if he calls for coffee every day - I will think about it. I had an ambiguous situation in this sense, when my former colleague (now we are just friends) constantly paid me attention: I called for a walk, drink coffee, could give me flowers for my birthday, although I collected money with the whole team. This didn’t result in anything, but if he were hardcore to hint at the continuation of the relationship — for example, calling me to his house — I would be uncomfortable. But due to the fact that he did not demand anything from me, everything seemed quite normal. Perhaps he did not mean anything at all! I also perceive as an attempt on my personal space any attempt to get too deep into my life: I communicate with someone at work a lot, but this does not mean that I am ready to share something personal with everyone.
Photo:Katya Havok - stock.adobe.com (1, 2)